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Open Marriage


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 23rd July 2014, 9:22 AM   #1
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Open Marriage

Hi everybody just signed up this this forum as I am interested in expanding my understanding regarding Open Marriage.

I have just finished reading an excellent book called "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan.

In some ways the book confirmed some of the things I had been thinking about. As a NLP therapist I have listened to hundreds of couples who have been struggling in their relationship, one only has to look at the global stats to realise that the monogamous model that has been accepted as the norm isn't working for most people.

I have been married for the past 38 years, been faithful to my wife and had little interest in looking outside my marriage for either sex of friendship, in saying that I am a sexual person who enjoys the company of women, most of my clients are women and as a general rule I seem to have a real connection with the opposite sex. I am 61, athletic, 5.10 & 170 lbs.

2 months ago I had a real connection, non sexual with a 32 year old Chinese women, she is attractive with a fabulous personality and body. I meet her several times at a local health spa and within 3 weeks she was wanting sex, which I refused; 38 years with the same women, you get the picture. This was clearly freaking me out, whilst at the same time our sex life had died 2 years ago, yet I also knew that things where changing in my own marriage

The real issue for me was honesty with my wife, so the journey began. Firstly let me say that I have no intention of leaving my wife, but I am interested in per sewing an open relationship. The 32 year old is totally open to it, so we will see where it all goes.

What I am convinced about is that the global model of marriage that we all know needs to change as do our core believes.

Your thoughts!

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Old 23rd July 2014, 9:28 AM   #2
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"Our" global model of marriage needs to change as well as our core beliefs??

I hope you mean "my wife and I's" and not all of humanity...
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Old 23rd July 2014, 9:33 AM   #3
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Does your wife agree "our" model needs to change?
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Old 23rd July 2014, 9:40 AM   #4
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Does your wife agree "our" model needs to change?
yes she does its not working for the majority.
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Old 23rd July 2014, 9:44 AM   #5
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I suggest you do a little more reading. There are books and web sites that deal with open marriages, polyamory, and swinging - all variants with some key distinctions. Sex at Dawn is a fascinating book. I also suggest "The Ethical Slvt"

The hardest part is to enter into this ethically, by gaining your wife's approval or at least informed indifference. I think you want to approach it that way, from what you've said. She will no doubt be freaked out if you begin seeing a much younger, attractive woman, and will almost certainly have issues with insecurity, jealousy, and fear of abandonment. Even though you are apparently familiar with psychology, it can't hurt to remind you of this possible roadblock, because you'll have to find a way through it. Or, she may be okay with it all as long as you two stay together and otherwise maintain status quo.

I'm in my second marriage (first was completely traditional), been together 14 years, and we've had an open relationship of some sort the entire time. Early on, it was a poly relationship (we both had secondaries), then moved to swinging together, and lately to that plus open. I'm almost your age, and had a 2 year long FWB arrangement with a woman the same age as your connection. She and my wife became friends, but that may not be typical. For us, there is very little jealousy to deal with in any of the arrangements we've had. I don't know your perspective on that, but if your situation were reversed, how would you feel? If it would be difficult for you to accept, then you'll understand how this may impact your wife.
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Old 23rd July 2014, 9:55 AM   #6
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I suggest you do a little more reading. There are books and web sites that deal with open marriages, polyamory, and swinging - all variants with some key distinctions. Sex at Dawn is a fascinating book. I also suggest "The Ethical Slvt"

The hardest part is to enter into this ethically, by gaining your wife's approval or at least informed indifference. I think you want to approach it that way, from what you've said. She will no doubt be freaked out if you begin seeing a much younger, attractive woman, and will almost certainly have issues with insecurity, jealousy, and fear of abandonment. Even though you are apparently familiar with psychology, it can't hurt to remind you of this possible roadblock, because you'll have to find a way through it. Or, she may be okay with it all as long as you two stay together and otherwise maintain status quo.

I'm in my second marriage (first was completely traditional), been together 14 years, and we've had an open relationship of some sort the entire time. Early on, it was a poly relationship (we both had secondaries), then moved to swinging together, and lately to that plus open. I'm almost your age, and had a 2 year long FWB arrangement with a woman the same age as your connection. She and my wife became friends, but that may not be typical. For us, there is very little jealousy to deal with in any of the arrangements we've had. I don't know your perspective on that, but if your situation were reversed, how would you feel? If it would be difficult for you to accept, then you'll understand how this may impact your wife.
Thanks for your input and wisdom. This is a journey no doubt and I am looking forward to it. My wife and I sat down last night and had a 4 hr conversation, she is a very whole, balanced and mature person, who is 100% emotionally stable. We will move forward at a pace that works for all of us. I still love her immensely and nothing will change in our current relationship unless we are both in total agreement.
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Old 23rd July 2014, 2:49 PM   #7
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I'm sure an open marriage is a good idea in theory. Sadly emotions have a way of getting involved. Doesn't the chinese lady want more than occasional sex with a married man? What if one of you falls for the other? What happens if your wife says she isn't happy with it 6 months down the line and you are happy having sex with your new lady and don't want to stop?

And what about the big L, once you start exchanging fluids, exchanging emotional bonding follows right behind.

Again a good idea in theory - not convinced it will work though.
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Old 23rd July 2014, 2:54 PM   #8
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I agree with everything you have just said. I would be wonderful f we had the answers to some of these very tough questions, which is why we are taking this one day at a time, trying to be honest with everybody involved and making sure that no decisions are made until we are all in agreement.

Thanks for your input and concerns.
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Old 23rd July 2014, 3:02 PM   #9
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Will your wife have another partner also? You said your sex life with her died a couple of years ago. Does that mean just with you or is she not interested in sex at all?
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Old 23rd July 2014, 3:04 PM   #10
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Does your wife know about the Asian lady? Is your wife going to pursue a man for sex outside of the marriage or is she interested in that? Is she just going along to appease you and keep you in the marriage? Does the Asian lady want more than just sex? Is she. In a relationship and if so, does her partner know? There are a lot of dynamics you have to consider, but if you and your wife feel confident that you can keep,the conversation open and trusting, then there is no reason not to pursue it if your own sex life together is over. Not to pry, and please don't feel you have to answer, but I'm curious on why you two aren't having sex anymore. Would you have a need for an open marriage change if you could recapture your own sexual desire for one another?
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Old 23rd July 2014, 7:05 PM   #11
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Yes please explain more about why you and your wife haven't had sex in 2 years.

IMHO If she's "done" with that aspect of your lives and she is not interested in any sexual relationship with you, then I think getting her blessing is an irrelevant formality - kind of like getting the queen of England's blessing to go to war after Parliment has already had the passing vote.

Some random thoughts on the matter-

-She has no authority over your sexuality if she does not wish to engage it.

-Just because she has no interest anymore, that does not give her the right to unilaterally end your sexual existence.

-If she is not having sex with you, then she has no risk of STDs from you.

-What her blessing would give you is continuation of your sexfree roommate arraingement with her without fear of her of blowing up the marriage in a fit of anger when she finds out.

-how her blessing benefits her is at least initially you will be somewhat committed to not leaving her for this other woman since she is allowing you to be with her without repercussions. In other words she is opting to allow you sex with another in exchange for allowing her to maintain her current status and lifestyle vs getting divorced.

My own personal thoughts on this are if you want to come out of this with any semblance of a sex life at all, you have to go into it with a hard line drawn in the sand that a continued sexless existence for you is not an option. You either have a sexual identity within your marriage or outside of it.

You are at least giving her the option of what her role in that will be.

When you pose this paradigm shift in your marriage to her, she has 4 options-

- allow your relationship with this other woman without repercussions and maintain her current status and lifestyle.

-disallow the 3rd party but address sexless issue at home to the point you are living an at least healthy sexlife at home. If she renegs on that at any point you go back to Asian woman.

- Don't ask, don't tell and don't ask any questions about your whereabouts, ie she looks the other and lives in ignorance as to what you are doing on the side.

- divorce.

SPECIAL NOTE :If you capitulate on this and allow her to refuse the open marriage without fixing the underlying sexless marriage, you will condemn yourself to the rest of your life in abstinence.

Are you ready to do that? Was the last sexual experience you had two years ago good enough to hold you for the remainder of your days?

Last edited by oldshirt; 23rd July 2014 at 7:11 PM..
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Old 23rd July 2014, 8:42 PM   #12
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Wife has gone through menopause and has zero interest in sex and along with that I am no longer sexually attracted to her. We get great haven't had a fight for over 10 years do loads of stuff together, camping hiking love spending time together. She is open to having sex with me because she knows I stihave a sexual appetite but I'm not interested in sex with someone who isn't passionate about it.
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Old 23rd July 2014, 8:46 PM   #13
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Asian lady has no current partner and as I said is keen to participate in an open relationship
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Old 23rd July 2014, 8:57 PM   #14
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I'm sorry but you remind me of the guy who woke up one morning and thinks that life is passing him by and you have to hop on the mid life express and re live you youth.

Here's the way it is. Your youth passed you up a long time ago and you haven't come to grips with it yet so why not do the next best thing and have a open marriage even though you've been happily married for 38 years to a good woman and for what, a piece of ass?

Good luck to you and good luck keeping up with a 32 year old woman whose just hit her stride. She'll probably put you in the hospital with a heart attack. IMO, I think you flat out selfish.
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Old 23rd July 2014, 9:35 PM   #15
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I've been married a long time and I don't see us ever doing this. We don't want to share. We create our own variety, within our marriage. I don't see anything wrong with it for other couples, if everybody knows the deal and genuinely is OK with it. But personally, I think a marriage should be protected. Involving other people seems dangerous. That other person is a variable that you can't control.
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