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what if you found out your spouse was planning to leave when kids reach 18?


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Old 22nd July 2014, 3:00 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by HereNorThere View Post
Yup, most healthy people would just beat them to the punch. Life is too short to be wasting time with the wrong person. Think of all the years you could have with a good, loving person.

Wow, I'm surprised people brought up financial stuff. The economy must be really bad if people are staying in miserable marriages just to save on rent.
Sorry, but no, you're not "wasting time" in an unloving relationship, if your doing so is providing a stable environment for your children. Not everybody gets the fairy-tale ending.
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Old 25th July 2014, 12:50 AM   #32
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So you are using him for housing and food on the table and letting him live under deception and a lie?


This is what I am talking about in this post.


What would you do if you found out your spouse was doing like Cococbel and living a lie and biding their time for several years until the kids reached a certain age and then were going to be gone one day?
A lie? He is aware but doesn't care.

FTR - I spend all my money on food, clothes for the kids and very often bills and rent. My husband has a low income and can barely afford rent and bills, you could say he is using me too.

Last edited by Cococbel; 25th July 2014 at 12:54 AM..
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Old 25th July 2014, 1:05 AM   #33
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Honestly,

It would depend.

I have been through rocky separations already. And sudden financial and emotional shifts.

I am not interested in putting my family through that again. Especially my daughter.

If I found out about the 18 year old plan, I would plan my own exit.

And, honestly, I would improve myself as much as I could, check out my options and make the transition to single-hood as smooth for myself and my daughter.

I wouldn't just pull the pin, but I wouldn't hang around for another 13 years either.
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Old 25th July 2014, 2:01 AM   #34
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Originally Posted by Turtles View Post
Sorry, but no, you're not "wasting time" in an unloving relationship, if your doing so is providing a stable environment for your children. Not everybody gets the fairy-tale ending.
All at the expense of an unknowing husband? You aren't doing children any favors by showing them they can just deceive and use people to get what you want from them.
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Old 25th July 2014, 9:29 AM   #35
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When me and my ex split...

You know in the beginning where all your friends ask you "what happened" and wanna get together with you?....its funny what something like a split reveals to you about your friend's "perfect marriages"....

One buddy of mine...successful guy, lots of assets....told me in one of those get togethers..... "once the kids turn 18, I'm leaving her" lol...told me why.....I totally get it....and he was serious, he even told me of "fail-safes" and preparations he has already put in place.

His kids were like 6 and 8 so hes got a ways to go
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Old 25th July 2014, 12:47 PM   #36
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I'd be pretty crushed if I found out he was going to leave. Since I'm a SAHM, I'd work on getting myself to a place where I could support myself financially, and also start putting $$ off to the side. And yes, I'd try to work on our relationship too. But, if he was done and not willing to work, I'd leave. I'd probably be an unbearable bitch after knowing that. lol
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Old 28th July 2014, 9:19 AM   #37
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All at the expense of an unknowing husband? You aren't doing children any favors by showing them they can just deceive and use people to get what you want from them.
The premise was, if you learned that your spouse planned to do that. So in effect, we are talking about a situation where both parties are aware of what is going on.

But to your point, showing them they can put personal satisfaction ahead of duty and responsibility is not doing them a favor either. It's a tough decision either way though and really depends a lot on the rest of the situation.

Last edited by Turtles; 28th July 2014 at 9:22 AM..
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Old 28th July 2014, 4:38 PM   #38
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The premise was, if you learned that your spouse planned to do that. So in effect, we are talking about a situation where both parties are aware of what is going on.

But to your point, showing them they can put personal satisfaction ahead of duty and responsibility is not doing them a favor either. It's a tough decision either way though and really depends a lot on the rest of the situation.
What about integrity vs living a lie.

If pretending to be a happy family until the last child is off to college is okay then so is cheating. Both are based on decieving the children and in both cases the children will more than likely find out.

And in the case of waiting to he empty nesters the kids will one day learn that not only was their childhood a lie it was also their fault.
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Old 29th July 2014, 12:09 AM   #39
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Why can't you be a happy family, without riding blissfully into the sunset with your beloved soul mate every evening?

Why does it make their childhood a lie? The nature and extent of their parents romantic life, is really none of their business. And cheating is based on deceiving your spouse, not the children. Again, the children don't need to be involved in your romantic life.
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Old 30th July 2014, 11:11 AM   #40
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What about integrity vs living a lie.

If pretending to be a happy family until the last child is off to college is okay then so is cheating. Both are based on decieving the children and in both cases the children will more than likely find out.

And in the case of waiting to he empty nesters the kids will one day learn that not only was their childhood a lie it was also their fault.
My parents did this. They stayed together until we kids had grown, then split. I was angry that they'd made us wait, and denied us a shot at a happy childhood. My brother - the youngest - was gutted, felt it was his fault somehow. It did us no favours. I'm the only one who didn't go on to a life of drugs, crime and prison.
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Old 31st July 2014, 8:59 AM   #41
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My parents did this. They stayed together until we kids had grown, then split. I was angry that they'd made us wait, and denied us a shot at a happy childhood...
you do not know that, no one does.

life is what you make of it, hindsight is 20/20 so regret will always be there, its what you do going forward that determines YOUR happiness.
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