not attracted to my wife

[thisisausername]

Here's my situation in a nutshell:

We've been married close to 10 years.

Have 3 kids.

She's a good mother and I believe a good woman.

I love her, but not in a sexual way.

I'm just not very attracted to her.

 

I've been trying to find a way, for years now, to view her, physically, in a more positive light. I've tried ignoring the issue. I've tried pretending like it's not an issue. But, now it's getting to the point where it's just wearing me down. It's making it hard to focus. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I keep going like this because I don't want to break up the family, but it's making me miserable.

[ShatteredReality]

Have you tried talking to her about trying new things that you find to be attractive or sexy? You must have found her attractive at one time or how else would you have gotten where you are...What happened to make you lose the attraction?? Basically ignoring it won't do anything, but there are things you can do to try to get that attraction back...and especiallly if she knows you need certain things she may be able to have a hand in getting that back...

[russt]

Here's my situation in a nutshell:

We've been married close to 10 years.

Have 3 kids.

She's a good mother and I believe a good woman.

I love her, but not in a sexual way.

I'm just not very attracted to her.

 

I've been trying to find a way, for years now, to view her, physically, in a more positive light. I've tried ignoring the issue. I've tried pretending like it's not an issue. But, now it's getting to the point where it's just wearing me down. It's making it hard to focus. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I keep going like this because I don't want to break up the family, but it's making me miserable.

 

 

So you love her but not in a sexual way, hmmm, I can kind of relate to that but in your case, why not, you obviously have or did for at least 3 sexual encounters and I'm sure many more. What changed, physical appearance, goals, ideas, interests, another sexual interest, personalities?

[DaisyLeigh]

Let me guess. She got fat, right?

[2sunny]

are you focusing any time and energy on another woman besides your wife? be honest!

[2sunny]

and IF you are as uncreative as your username - you may want to work on growing your imagination! it may help! yaaaaawn!

[thisisausername]

Let me guess. She got fat, right?

 

Bingo!

 

When we met, she was fit. We both were. We used to go to the gym together. But that's changed. I've stayed in good shape. She hasn't. It's been an ongoing issue for several years now. How many years do you go on like this before you just say, "enough!"?

[thisisausername]

Have you tried talking to her about trying new things that you find to be attractive or sexy? You must have found her attractive at one time or how else would you have gotten where you are...What happened to make you lose the attraction?? Basically ignoring it won't do anything, but there are things you can do to try to get that attraction back...and especiallly if she knows you need certain things she may be able to have a hand in getting that back...

 

Yes, we've talked about it many, many times.

[thisisausername]

are you focusing any time and energy on another woman besides your wife? be honest!

 

There's no other woman. I've been trying to deal with it by focusing on my work.

[thisisausername]

and IF you are as uncreative as your username - you may want to work on growing your imagination! it may help! yaaaaawn!

 

Coming up with a more creative username on here is going to help my marriage? Yeah, yeah. Get real.

[thisisausername]

So you love her but not in a sexual way, hmmm, I can kind of relate to that but in your case, why not, you obviously have or did for at least 3 sexual encounters and I'm sure many more. What changed, physical appearance, goals, ideas, interests, another sexual interest, personalities?

 

It really comes down to physical appearance and goals related to that. I'd say we have it pretty good in other areas. I've been athletic and into fitness since day one, and value that in a mate as well. She's known that all along. When we started out, she was into working out daily. But that has since dramatically changed.

Edited May 27, 2011 by thisisausername

[xxoo]

How does she feel about her appearance and current fitness level? Is she happy as is? Or is she down on herself? Is she wanting to change but failing?

[2sunny]

It really comes down to physical appearance and goals related to that. I'd say we have it pretty good in other areas. I've been athletic and into fitness since day one, and value that in a mate as well. She's known that all along. When we started out, she was into working out daily. But that has since dramatically changed.

 

you should divorce her. placing THAT much value on her looks isn't fair to even the MOST beautiful woman.

 

you aren't showing loving behavior as you don't love her for WHO she is... do her a favor - divorce her. she deserves a man that loves her unconditionally, one that will treat her with loving behavior, not judgement.

 

get counseling... find out why you are so shallow.

[Lovelybird]

Do you watch porn?

 

Do you have resentment in other areas?

 

People say the brain is the most powerful sexual organ. when people are not attracted to their partners physically, it is probably because they are not attracted to their partners emotionally in the first place.

[reservoirdog1]

you should divorce her. placing THAT much value on her looks isn't fair to even the MOST beautiful woman.

 

you aren't showing loving behavior as you don't love her for WHO she is... do her a favor - divorce her. she deserves a man that loves her unconditionally, one that will treat her with loving behavior, not judgement.

 

get counseling... find out why you are so shallow.

That's a bit harsh, IMHO. At least without knowing more about the situation.

 

Partners should do everything reasonably possible to keep themselves attractive for each other, rather than simply taking it for granted or "letting themselves go" once they're married or after enough time has passed. There have certainly been female posters on LS who have complained about their formerly fit, active husbands becoming overweight and wearing sweat pants all the time while still expecting sex. And the responses are rarely "you're shallow, do him a favour and divorce him."

 

Fair enough, with three kids, the OP and his wife don't have nearly the time to spend at the gym that they used to. And as I said, we don't know anything about the reasons for his wife's weight gain. Is there a medical reason? Is she depressed? Post partum? Also, how has he raised the issue with her? Has he been accusatory, or loving? Made her feel bad, or been sensitive?

 

I highly doubt this is so cut-and-dried as to simply say "OP is shallow. Period."

[2sunny]

That's a bit harsh, IMHO. At least without knowing more about the situation.

 

Partners should do everything reasonably possible to keep themselves attractive for each other, rather than simply taking it for granted or "letting themselves go" once they're married or after enough time has passed. There have certainly been female posters on LS who have complained about their formerly fit, active husbands becoming overweight and wearing sweat pants all the time while still expecting sex. And the responses are rarely "you're shallow, do him a favour and divorce him."

 

Fair enough, with three kids, the OP and his wife don't have nearly the time to spend at the gym that they used to. And as I said, we don't know anything about the reasons for his wife's weight gain. Is there a medical reason? Is she depressed? Post partum? Also, how has he raised the issue with her? Has he been accusatory, or loving? Made her feel bad, or been sensitive?

 

I highly doubt this is so cut-and-dried as to simply say "OP is shallow. Period."

 

it is not all of what he says - but the way he types it... no feelings, avoiding her more by working more... no solution in HIM - just pointing the finger at her.

 

a cold and unfeeling man can push a woman to feel unloved all in itself.

[What_Next]

I can't say I agree with 2sunny on this one. Perhaps in the end divorce might be the answer, but calling you out and calling you shallow, no I don't agree.

 

You have every right to express your desires and feelings as far as I am concerned. Doing it in a tactful way without hurting feelings is an entirely other matter.

 

When you have discussed this with your wife how has she reacted? How have you presented it?

[ShatteredReality]

So...did you marry her strictly on her "fitness" values?

 

Over time you're going to have to accept that any partner you choose is going to look less appealing over time. After having children a womans body changes dramatically. I had a friend who was a size 4 before she got pregnant. After she had her daughter and "lost all the weight" that she could lose without looking like a walking stick she was never again able to dip below an 8. Her body changed. She was less than thrilled, but it's a sacrifice we women have to make in order to have children.

 

I have two kids...I have been having a very difficult time taking all the weight off....at first my husband told me this bothered him. He used to tell me it hurt his feelings that I wouldn't take care of myself the way other women in his family did - like my weight problems were a slight against him. Yet, he was unwilling to support me in making the changes necessary to take care of the issue. We're better now - he has adapted to the point where he likes my body the way that it is, and he's begun to support my efforts to change it - and I am not doing it for him. I am doing it for me. If he has a problem with the fact that I will struggle with my weight for the rest of my life he's welcome to leave. The last thing a "fat girl" needs is a man sitting over her, degrading her, making her feel worse. Know what happens when a man makes his woman feel like she's just a worthless fat cow? She eats more or loses her motivation to work out as hard because she begins to feel she'll never measure up to his expectations. That's why I don't do it for him...it doesn't work if you do it for someone other than yourself.

 

How do you support her in this? Do you offer to take care of the kids so she can go work out more? Have you offered to help change the way the whole family eats to support her efforts to eat more healthy? Or do you just tell her you are unhappy with her weight and expect her to fix it all alone?

 

You need to analyze what's truly important to you - children become a womans focus if she's a decent mother and her needs come secondary. As the children get older she can begin to take care of herself a bit more as they need her a bit less...but she'll need your help either way. If you cannot figure out a way to either find her attractive despite her looks or help her change it (if that's what she wants) then you may want to consider - what would you want her to do if the situation were reversed?

[greengoddess]

you should divorce her. placing THAT much value on her looks isn't fair to even the MOST beautiful woman.

 

you aren't showing loving behavior as you don't love her for WHO she is... do her a favor - divorce her. she deserves a man that loves her unconditionally, one that will treat her with loving behavior, not judgement.

 

get counseling... find out why you are so shallow.

 

I don't agree with this. I value fitness too. I need to be with someone that resspects their body and their appearance.

 

I swear I think some women dupe men into marriage. I had a friend who was really big. Decided it was marriage time. Got fit and gorgeous. Got married and then put on 40 pounds the first 6 months of marriage. That is just wrong. He did not marry a fat woman.

 

A few extra pounds and not expecting a perfect body is loving them unconditionally but just allowing yourself to get fat fat is wrong too. I don't find fat men attractive. Sorry I guess I am that shallow but i need someone who can keep up with my energy level too not someone to fat to walk miles around a beautiful city.

[LilyBart]

I don't agree with this. I value fitness too. I need to be with someone that resspects their body and their appearance.

 

I swear I think some women dupe men into marriage. I had a friend who was really big. Decided it was marriage time. Got fit and gorgeous. Got married and then put on 40 pounds the first 6 months of marriage. That is just wrong. He did not marry a fat woman.

 

A few extra pounds and not expecting a perfect body is loving them unconditionally but just allowing yourself to get fat fat is wrong too. I don't find fat men attractive. Sorry I guess I am that shallow but i need someone who can keep up with my energy level too not someone to fat to walk miles around a beautiful city.

 

Got the BEST laugh of the day! Thanks!

 

I happen to agree with you. My mother has put on 10 lbs since the day she met my dad - does yoga, dyes her hair, etc. looks pretty darn good for 'a senior'. Never had any work done either.

 

You would be surprised HOW MANY men resent their W's (or future W's) getting fat (we're not talking 10-20 lbs here, lets say about 60 lbs) - to a point where I've heard one say that he checks out their mothers to see what the possibility might be for this incident occurring.

 

Listen, if a man marries a hottie he wants to STAY married to a hottie. Not a fattie.

[Zolie]

The fact is, we all appreciate attractive mates, and have a hard time when our mates' attractiveness changes as the years pass.

 

Women put on weight. Men get beer guts. Women stop spending as many hours grooming/working out (in direct proportion to the amount of housework, childcare, and job responsibilities they have). Men lose their hair. Women switch to comfortable clothes, instead of sexy clothes.

 

Point is, we all change as we age and mature, and as our priorities and responsibilities change. If the changes are obviously too unfavorable, then our spouses could be turned off.

 

But, there are only so many hours in the day and even if a person is unhappy with their own size/looks/condition, etc, and even if they know their spouse is also unhappy with it all, they aren't likely going to devote the time it will take to fix it when there are so many other pressing issues to deal with on a daily basis. It's just not a priority when the kids are demanding attention, the dishes need to be washed, the boss expects top notch work, etc.

 

Eh, I don't really have any good advice for you. I'm just making note of the facts as I see them. There is no easy solution to this problem.

[2sunny]

i still smell an affair brewing.

 

IF you don't like the way the M is - or the way your W is - do her a favor and leave. she can find someone who loves all of her... without judgement.

[anne1707]

Fair enough, with three kids, the OP and his wife don't have nearly the time to spend at the gym that they used to. And as I said, we don't know anything about the reasons for his wife's weight gain. Is there a medical reason? Is she depressed? Post partum? Also, how has he raised the issue with her? Has he been accusatory, or loving? Made her feel bad, or been sensitive?

 

Along with the above, another factor may be how old the kids are - having some pregnancy weight a year after birth is much more understandable than five years after. Plus if the kids were had in quick succession that will also make it more difficult for a woman to get her weight back on track

[Zolie]

Same thing can be said when men stop being active and spend their time playing video games. In cases like that women are more than justified with finding their SO unattractive.

 

I agree. Both genders are capable of changing from the way they were when they were in 'courting' mode. It's the way humans are designed. Whether it is by Divine design or biological design, the fact is we are wired to gussy ourselves up to attract a mate. For some people that comes easily, especially when young, but becomes harder to maintain as we age.

 

For some people, though, it is more 'work' to get gussied up, even when young. For them, then, it is natural to stop working so hard once the mate is won.

 

And for all of us, no matter if it was easy or hard when we were young, it becomes harder and harder with age to stay trim.

 

OP, when you and your wife were first going to the gym, I would guess it was when you were both young, late teens, early twenties, right? And before kids? Does she say why she won't go to the gym now? Is it lack of time? Fatigue?

 

On any given day, which one of you does the majority of the child care, housework, errands, etc? You know - all the normal tasks required to keep a family going? Be sure to count even the little tasks - those add up. Some couples share all those responsibilities equally, and sometimes only one of the couple does the lion's share.

 

In the latter case, that person is often too exhausted to add "Go to Gym" to their list of tasks.

 

Sometimes I think Life is a rook. We spend 22 hours a day of our work week either sleeping, working, getting ready for work, traveling to and from work, raising children, preparing meals, keeping house, running errands, etc. That leaves a whopping 2 hours of each day to do the things we want to do. Given that most of us have a dozen or so things we want to do in that measly 2 hours, it's no wonder we feel like we never get to do what we really want. What's the point of Life, then? lol

[2sunny]

2sunny I smell the fact that you are probably a big girl and you are taking this thread a little too personal

 

that's not possible in this case.

 

i'm not fat. in fact i'm extremely fit and slim... but i certainly understand what shallow looks like when a person places too much value on looks... what is on the inside is of more value than any exterior can show.

 

that is what the OP doesn't "see"