Can I get past my wife's affair?

[gbot]

This is going to be long, so my apologies on the front end.

 

A year ago, my wife came home from work and I cooked dinner while she sat on the couch, grimacing. I asked her what was wrong. She said nothing. I asked again, and again, until she looked at me and said, "I don't think I can be with you anymore"

 

From that point forward, she became someone I didn't recognize. She had no love, no care, for me anymore. It just wasn't there. I asked her if it was another man, and she said no.

 

A week later, she was out "shoe shopping" while I was at home with our two-year-old, and I'll never forget the feeling of knowing that hit me. I knew, in my bones, that she was screwing someone else. I logged on to her email account, and what I saw there, the most recent message, made it clear that she was not out shoe shopping.

 

When she came home, I confronted her with it, and she admitted it, and I honestly thought that having that brought out into the open would put us on a path to getting things back together, but that did not happen. In fact, the opposite happened. About a week later she asked me for a divorce.

 

Divorce. I packed a bag for myself and my daughter, and we went to spend the night with my parents. Later that night, about 2 am, I was tossing and turning, and I wanted to see if my wife was at our house, so I put my child in the bed with my mother and I drove to the om's house, and her car was there.

 

A week more of this, of her with this guy, going out to bars, and all the while blaming me for her choices, I had a nervous breakdown, and experience unlike any I'd ever had before. I could not stop crying, and I just lost emotional control. I check myself into the hospital and spent a weekend in a mental health center. And it helped me. When I got out, I stopped communicating with her, and I focused on my daughter and on getting joint custody of her. I talked to lawyers and I did my best to get myself together. I found out later that while I was in the hospital, while she was supposed to be parenting our child, she dumped her off at a friends house for the entire weekend, spent the weekend at her bf's house.

 

We got a divorce. I got joint custody of my child. I moved out of town. I started dating, but what I found there was that I hated being away from my child. It was eating me up inside, that she wasn't under my protection, that I was not a part-time dad.

 

My moving had an effect on my ex-wife, and she started calling me. Of course, the relationship with the om didn't work out. I knew I didn't love her anymore, but I missed my child so much, it tortured me continually.

 

Long story short, I started seeing my ex again, and we eloped and remarried. I can tell you, without a doubt, that I did it to have my family back together again.

 

My now wife again has been transparent ever since. I have to give her credit, she is giving it a go, doing all the right things, trying to make me happy, begging for my forgiveness on almost a daily basis. Recently, we found out she is pregnant with our second child, and I am happy that my family is growing.

 

Here's the meat of this post. I feel like a chump. I had my freedom, was dating women, but I failed to make the most of it becasue I missed my family life so much, missed my child so much, that I jumped on the opportunity to get it back. It didn't matter that I no longer love my wife, just that I got my family back together. I just believed things would work themselves out.

 

But I am so unhappy. I love parenting my child, but it isn't enough to sustain me. Whereas I used to feel so close to my wife, now I have no desire to be close to her at all. I, simply put, don't care anymore. I am nice to her. I treat her with kindness. I do not, though, give her love. I simply don't have it to give.

 

I am a good-looking man, pretty smart, and I have a good job, all the kinds of things that would enable me to meet another woman, and perhaps find someone I can love, who can be my partner, but with all the things my wife did to me, essentially abandonned me in a fit of mid-life crisis, I just can't feel it for her anymore.

 

So, here I am, married to the woman who hurt me more deeply than I ever thought possible, a father to a beautiful child, and another one on the way, and I just keep thinking, what the hell is wrong with me? Why couldn't I be strong and move on with my life, and parent my child as best as I could under the circumstances of my custody arrangement?

 

And all of that said, I do want the ideal. I want the family, the happy home life, all of that, I just don't want it with the woman I currently call my wife, but if there was a way to get past it, to see her again like I used to see her, if there was a pill that would enable that, I would take it.

 

I am seeking peace. I never wanted my life to be like this, so scarred, so beaten up. She says she loves me, that she only wants to spend the rest of her life making it up to me, but how can I really believe her? How can I get past this and have a happy life?

[JustJoe]

Dude, your wife made a bad choice, and paid for it with a divorce, you made a bad choice to re-marry her, and now you have to pay for it. You both need MC very badly. She is proving that she has changed, with counseling maybe you can change too, and learn to love her again.

[seibert253]

Dude, your wife made a bad choice, and paid for it with a divorce, you made a bad choice to re-marry her, and now you have to pay for it. You both need MC very badly. She is proving that she has changed, with counseling maybe you can change too, and learn to love her again.

 

Joe said it best.

Nothing to add to what he said.

[reboot]

You fell in love with her once. It can happen again. Lay your pride down. It will just eat you up.

[RedDevil66]

Joe said it best. Get some therapy alone first then get the wife to come only once you feel you want to stay for sure.

 

A "wrench" thrown into the marriage like the wrench she threw is pretty hard to heal from

[lkjh]

I know what Im about to say will be different from others but if a woman left me for another man that would be it. It would be over.

 

If you can work it out try for it. I am not a fan of divorce except when it comes to infidelity, she made her choices and if you can't love her because of them that is perfectly natural.

 

If you do leave her let her know why and try to make it as friendly as possible for your daughter

[stillafool]

Wow OP I feel for you as you have been through so much. It is too bad you didn't stay in your town when you moved out to stay closer to your daughter. You would have been able to see her often while still moving on with your life. I don't know what to say.

[2sure]

You remarried her. Together you planned and are having a second child. You feel like a chump?? She f'd up big time, has turned herself areound and dedicated herself to you completely. You took her back...in spades.

 

I know you are looking for a way to be happy. And you can be. Therapy and MC will give you the tools. But you have to recognize and own some of this.

[rewe4reel]

So, here I am, married to the woman who hurt me more deeply than I ever thought possible, a father to a beautiful child, and another one on the way, and I just keep thinking, what the hell is wrong with me?

 

Nothing at all. You're just more unselfish than most people would be in your situation. You decided to do what you felt was best for your child, by getting remarried. For all the people who claim that divorce isn't such a bad deal for the kid, don't blame yourself for putting your child's needs for an intact family over your own personal needs.

 

 

Why couldn't I be strong and move on with my life, and parent my child as best as I could under the circumstances of my custody arrangement?

 

See above. Living in two households is difficult at best no matter what anyone says. You manned up and took the hit for your child.

 

 

 

And all of that said, I do want the ideal. I want the family, the happy home life, all of that, I just don't want it with the woman I currently call my wife, but if there was a way to get past it, to see her again like I used to see her, if there was a pill that would enable that, I would take it.

 

Buyer's remorse sucks. But the pill shouldn't be for you; it should be for your wife. You're just afraid that she hasn't/won't be able to change permanently from a cheater to an honest loving woman.

 

 

I am seeking peace.

 

The seasoned warrior knows that often the best route to true peace lies in being fully prepared for all-out war. Be prepared. The greatest general wins the war before it is even fought, without firing a shot.

 

 

 

I never wanted my life to be like this, so scarred, so beaten up.

 

Hearing you loud and clear.

 

 

She says she loves me, that she only wants to spend the rest of her life making it up to me, but how can I really believe her?

 

Actions, not words. If she really means this then she will show it by becoming totally submissive to your needs. She will do what you want, when you want it, with no complaining, and happily. Sexually, as a mother, as a wife. If she is truly remorseful. You must change to become an "alpha" male in the relationship, take the lead. You say "jump" and she must say "how high?"

 

You now OWN her. And she must be thrilled to be your property.

 

Or else you and your marriage will never truly recover.

 

(Sorry ladies but this is the only way it can work under these circumstances.)

 

 

 

How can I get past this and have a happy life?

 

Don't let your happiness depend on her actions. You can be happy with or without her. But, if she is to be with you, it must be 110% on YOUR terms, and ONLY on your terms.

[2sure]

I'm not going to quote the above poster...but for anyone who reads that and thinks it sounds completely nuts and dangerous....you are correct.

[reboot]

I'm not going to quote the above poster...but for anyone who reads that and thinks it sounds completely nuts and dangerous....you are correct.

 

That's definitely a sure fire recipe for disaster.

Edited May 27, 2010 by reboot

[reboot]

rewe, would you really want to be in a degrading relationship like you just described?

[linwood]

I'm not going to quote the above poster...but for anyone who reads that and thinks it sounds completely nuts and dangerous....you are correct.

 

Actually I agree with the above poster entirely.

[reboot]

Actually I agree with the above poster entirely.

 

So you'd want to be married to a pathetic, degraded slave?

[gbot]

Out of curiosity does your wife know or sense how you feel about her?

 

Yes, she knows, and I think it is a great source of sadness and frustration for her. Thing is, I don't do it on purpose, to intentionally torture her, I just go about my day and do what I do, and it comes out in touching her less, talking to her less, that kind of thing. She absolutely notices.

 

The others who have responded thoughtfully, thanks. Seems to be the consensus is that we need marriage counseling, and I agree, assuming we could find a good one. In my limited experience with the counselors, I find many of them are overpaid, undereducated hacks, but perhaps there is one good one out there that could help. I'm certainly open to it.

[2sure]

gbot -

 

I'm getting divorced, but for what its worth:

 

MC absolutely did help me and I think even made my h a better person. Like you said you have to find someone you feel comfortable with.

 

I learned a lot about communication, relationships, men, women, family...that I took for granted that I knew, but didnt. I also gained some coping skills that I plan to use the rest of my life. MC is too often left as the last resort. I'm a converted skeptic myself.

[KikiW]

Keep looking until you find a good one. They ARE out there, and they are worth every freakin penny you spend. Trust me on that one.

 

I don't agree that you wife should become your slave (as was suggested, sexually, as a mother and as a wife). While I absolutely agree that transparency is key, your wife is a human being and doesn't deserve to be treated any less than an equal. You chose to re-enter into the marriage with her, and it sounds like she is doing everything she can to show you she is committed to you. It sounds to me like you have never dealt with her infidelity (yes, you had grieving time, but it's still not put to rest). That's where a counselor can help. S/he can help you verbalize your feelings appropriately, and give you ways to move forward.

 

Your children will know you dislike their mother, no matter how much you try and hide it. Eventually it seeps in. Do EVERYONE a favor and get thee to a good counselor!

[Doing it Since '78]

If she did it once, she has the potential do do it twice. You re-married her, so I'm assuming you knew the risks when you said I do for the second time. Own up to your decision and keep it moving. Just don't be a sucker and get kicked in the sack by not knowing what devious games she was up to in the past.

 

You are actually ina better position than most, you KNOW the warning signs, the triggers with her that could possibly make her stray. Most peopel don't with a new mate, and get karate chopped in the neck every time.

 

Get that new baby DNA tested as well. Matter of fact suggest it to your wife, by seeing that the new baby is yours, that can hopefully alleviate some of your worries. Explain to her this is something you need done, to move on. If she gets upset, well sorry for her.

 

If not the DNA test, suggest something that will put her in an uncomfortable position with her "past life" and push for it. If she in unable to open up that book, even if it makes you feel better, tough $ hit. However whatever you do, once you explain that you need this ONE (it's gotta be a biggie though, nothing trivial, a big one that puts her in an uneasy place, but makes you feel better) thing to get you back into the swing of things, you MUST let it go.

 

No more Mr. Moody, no more non-touching, whatever. Think about the one thing you need to move on, suggest it, have her do it, and keep it moving.

[reboot]

Why would you suggest such a thing? He's never even hinted that he's worried about the baby not being his. How insulting that would be to his wife.

[Doing it Since '78]

Why would you suggest such a thing? He's never even hinted that he's worried about the baby not being his. How insulting that would be to his wife.

 

Insulting to his wife? How about the fact that he WILL question the baby's paternity because he still has such a lack of trust and general distaste for his wife.

 

Maybe not out loud will he question, but he still will feel some kind of way about it. He needs some action or sqeemishness on her part to reinforce his decision, not just bull$hit lovey dovey stuff, some concrete proof that she won't pull this game on him again, or at least a starting point for him to even think about putting his heart and trust back in her hands.

 

Remember what she did with it last time

[reboot]

What she did with it last time, she'll either do again or she won't. Odds are he'd know it right away if she did it again. If you spend all your time worrying about it, you're going to miss out on everything good about a relationship.

[linwood]

So you'd want to be married to a pathetic, degraded slave?

 

Please quote that part of the OP`s post for me.

 

I seem to have missed it.

[Doing it Since '78]

What she did with it last time, she'll either do again or she won't. Odds are he'd know it right away if she did it again. If you spend all your time worrying about it, you're going to miss out on everything good about a relationship.

 

Who the hell wants that type of knowledge, or even having to think about that? Isn't the purpose of remarrying her so she WON'T pull that type of $-hit again?

 

At this point I don't see that much good in their relationship, at least not on his end. Sure she is happy, because she had her moment, and managed to reclaim her throne back. Now that she is preggo a second time, he is that much deeper into it, money wise, time wise, responsibility wise, etc

 

His cycle was interupted, in that he didn't get a chance to do his thing, balls to the wall style. I also think on some level, he want's her to feel some of the pain he felt, and maybe that she hasn't really been punished enough for her adultry, and maybe even rewarded for it. Maybe he needs her to feel how he felt when she was chasing behind ole boy, in order to move on. Only he knows why that is, and what he needs to move on

[reboot]

Please quote that part of the OP`s post for me.

 

I seem to have missed it.

 

she will show it by becoming totally submissive to your needs. She will do what you want, when you want it, with no complaining, and happily. Sexually, as a mother, as a wife. If she is truly remorseful. You must change to become an "alpha" male in the relationship, take the lead. You say "jump" and she must say "how high?"

 

You now OWN her. And she must be thrilled to be your property.

 

This is what you appeared to be agreeing with.

[JustJoe]

Damn, Rewe, why not just brand her and chain her to the washing machine? Gbot, you now have two kids with this woman, and a whole lot of history. The first marriage is over and done with. Now, get some help, treat her right, keep your eyes open, and you can learn to trust and love again. I'm betting on you, pal!!