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My relationship - or, is it still a relationship?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 11th November 2017, 5:53 PM   #46
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I wrote him these things today early in the beginning of my day. He responded with this now. I will not be taking any initiative now,I will be just waiting what he shall write or decide.
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Old 12th November 2017, 12:08 PM   #47
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Dear All, here are the news of today. He wrote to me more. Mainly, he wrote that he wants to meet me very much but he will not act as if we "were only friends" and he insists on that. He said that my attitude (reluctance to sleep together) is "completely undeserved" since he showed me his feelings. Secondly, he told me that " he is meditating" and that I should think about doing it too, since he senses that I am in an inner turmoil inside. (Of course I am, but I don't think that it's about any meditation - mostly it's about having a single, full and sincere conversation and things would be fine. Of course I am in inner unrest and can't concentrate on anything because I would like to know if we can rely on each other.) I feel like we are kind of in different spaces - I would like a single sincere conversation and he is living somewhere in the abstract world - is it promising for the future life together?

I have not taken up any action since yesterday. I have also read some online articles about those men who love being in touch through texting and talking on the phone but feel reluctant to meet in person and it made me feel that, indeed, I should appreciate that he wants us to keep meeting face to face. So I understand I have to be truly grateful for that and I am. I am also willing to go see him, wherever he is in this world, if only I could have this issue solved out.

On the other hand, it cannot be that way that we don't talk, don't share anything through days and weeks, we are growing strangers and then we meet up and end up in bed immediately. I often asked him about his days and activities, I tried for a couple of times to share with him my artistic works or something interesting I did - since I would love to share such things with someone important - but with little result. Last time I tried to share my work with him, I think he even didn't notice.

I feel that all I did those days was worrying about it and it took a lot of my creative energy and potential away (meaning, plainly, that I keep wasting my days out of worries). Perhaps I should stop bothering and continue just observing things. As you advised me here which, I know, is the wisest. That is, I should be waiting to see how he will communicate (and if he will!) through those coming days.

I understood that I should appreciate immensely that he wants to keep meeting face to face, on regular basis, but I also still feel that to build and keep a true relationship, one needs a normal communication also in those times when we are apart.
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Old 12th November 2017, 12:13 PM   #48
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I understood that I should appreciate immensely that he wants to keep meeting face to face, on regular basis, but I also still feel that to build and keep a true relationship, one needs a normal communication also in those times when we are apart.
No. No you should not appreciate that he wants to keep meeting face to face on a "regular basis." How often is regular? Just how many hours apart are you two?

You seem like a very smart, warm, intuitive, artistic person who has a lot of give to someone in a relationship. Why are you settling for these breadcrumbs when you could find someone in your locale to meet your needs?
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Old 12th November 2017, 12:36 PM   #49
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Thank you so much for your help and such kind words. I truly appreciate your help (I am also aware I may not see very clearly now since I am motivated by feelings).

I live in a very small place with a very small number of inhabitants. There is nobody I could meet here. I tried for many years. Also, I work away from home (although I prepare my projects at home). We both live in different countries but it's not a problem for me. He would like us to meet once in a month or every second month. I can also keep visiting him. I am independent. All I want is just love and communication.

I cannot do it as it is popular nowodays and, perhaps, believed to be normal: to meet up, sleep together, not to mind anything. It's not about religion or any specific views. It's about respect for him and myself. I know I would feel very bad inside. I believe that it is beautiful that he wants us to keep meeting but, as you said, it's also not enough if there is no communication at all in those times when we are apart. And yes, I have a great desire to keep sharing and learning about each other. He told me he keeps me in his heart and thinks of me, but I am also alive and real.
I feel sad because once in the past, when we met face to face, he asked me if I shall not forget him and if I can see him again and I persuaded him it is far from my desire to forget him. But now, with so many days of him living in his own world and feeding me with "I send you hugs" from time to time, hardly ever asking what I do if I don't ask him first, it's growing very disappointing. And it makes me think about the future. Of course you are right that I desire to be with someone who can truly share with me. With such person, I would not hesitate to meet as soon as possible.



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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
No. No you should not appreciate that he wants to keep meeting face to face on a "regular basis." How often is regular? Just how many hours apart are you two?

You seem like a very smart, warm, intuitive, artistic person who has a lot of give to someone in a relationship. Why are you settling for these breadcrumbs when you could find someone in your locale to meet your needs?
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Old 12th November 2017, 12:42 PM   #50
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I have been in your situation a couple of times and every time it ended with a heartbreak. Im sorry you are going through this. Its an illusion, this man doesnt care about you and only uses you for sex when you meet up several times per year (even less I guess). He tells you words... bla bla... there are no actions that show his commitment. Meeting one or two or three times a year to sleep with you without meaningful communication in between makes you sex buddies, not a couple.

Im very sorry, but you are headed towards more and more heartbreak. You waste your best years on this man (trust me, I wasted many years on such men). They have deep intimacy problems (mostly stemming from bad childhood) and without sufficient interest from their side you cant "save" nor "heal" them. This guy has a mental problem and he gives you emotional breadcrumbs... you instead are giving him all your pure and sincere love. You love an illusion, not a real person.

You could have a loving family with someone else. Period. Please wake up. And trust me, I spent many years on such guys. I regret this wasted time deeply.
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Old 12th November 2017, 12:55 PM   #51
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Ps. Is it selfish of me that I expect that, if we are a couple, we should communicate sometimes in a natural way?.
You're not a couple. All the things you are describing here - they are the components of your relationship. There isn't anything else except for in your hopes.
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Old 12th November 2017, 12:57 PM   #52
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They have deep intimacy problems (mostly stemming from bad childhood) and without sufficient interest from their side you cant "save" nor "heal" them.
Very very true. The more you say, Cathy, the more I don't think this guy is "hiding" anything, like another family. I think it's a combination of, like you said, him living in an "abstract world" and simply not having the emotional IQ to have a relationship beyond what he is offering. He's likely narcissistic, which he demonstrates by not asking about you at all but expecting you to fall in line with exactly how HE wants the relationship to go (sporadic communication and sex with every meetup).
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Old 12th November 2017, 1:11 PM   #53
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Thank you so much All of you. Gia37, thank you for your accurate advice. I am so sorry to hear you suffered so much and I know that this suffering was very real and painful. There is nothing worse than being alone with someone supposedly precious. I hope that life is more generous for you now. Too many things happen in a completely unfair way and meet us so unexpectedly. I think that your advice is very accurate and I also have this feeling that I'm setting up for a heartbreak. I even imagine extreme situations (quite impossible, but why not to take it into account?) of what would happen if, for instance, we had a family. I mean, would I be able to rely on him (if this is what we have now?). I doubt so.

Cautiously Optimistic, thank you so much too. You are right. This has to do with the childhood bad experience. I believed we had a brilliant communication when we were trying to solve his problem. Now it's like I'm away but " in his heart" still. Like a photograph or a picture on the wall. I know and feel that he doesn't do it intentionally. I believe he thinks that everything is alright and our situation is perfect. That's why he was so offended that he didn't deserve such decision from me. I know that his intentions are good but the outcome is kind of different. And that's why it's especially hard for me to hurt him, knowing that he simply may not understand that something is wrong. I tried to discuss it but I think he will not change his mode of communication. And, indeed, it's about him. Unless I mention something about myself. i know he doesn't do it on purpose and I even know he has a good, beautiful heart. I think I understand now this saying that "sometimes love is not enough". All I will do will be observing his actions and modes of communication. I will try to invest in myself a little bit these days and see if he communicates and in what ways. We can always meet and it is so important to see if it's worth it. And yes, my "inner feeling" tells me that I should postpone it.
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Old 12th November 2017, 1:15 PM   #54
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That's why I wanted to offer him space and wait for him when he is more ready.
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Old 12th November 2017, 1:20 PM   #55
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That's why I wanted to offer him space and wait for him when he is more ready.
But, it seems as if he's already shown you the maximum he can give. He likely will not change. There's nothing wrong, of course, with you being OK with the status quo, but you're not or you wouldn't have started this thread .
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Old 12th November 2017, 1:23 PM   #56
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Why is he telling you what to do and how to feel? And why are you even entertaining this?

He's not giving you what you need in a relationship, and it's time to put YOU first and YOUR needs.
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Old 12th November 2017, 1:40 PM   #57
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Dear All, truly thank you. Very true. And, indeed, I wouldn't start this thread if I didn't feel that something is wrong. I was wondering if maybe things are ok and I'm demanding too much but I would like to communicate sometimes and share our inner lives with the person I love. Why I am to act like strangers with this supposedly most important person? He also wrote now that he is so scared of losing me. : ( I sense he began worrying and grew interested. And it makes me so sad to give him sadness and fear right now but it's very hard this way for me too. I decided that 1) I will be observing the steps he takes (if he takes initiative to communicate, what is this communication, etc., does he care what I'm doing here at all and where I am), 2) I will stop taking initiative to communicate (most of our communication was the result of my initiative to ask about him, although back then, in spring, when there was this problem, it was so different.. ). Let's see what will happen.
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Old 12th November 2017, 1:54 PM   #58
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He wants to meet me very much but he will not act as if we "were only friends" and he insists on that. He said that my attitude (reluctance to sleep together) is "completely undeserved" since he showed me his feelings. Secondly, he told me that " he is meditating" and that I should think about doing it too, since he senses that I am in an inner turmoil inside.

Perhaps I should stop bothering and continue just observing things.
Cathy, with all due respect - this man is terrible.

To say those things to you is condescending, rude, disrespectful, and extremely manipulative. He wants to have sex with you, and he is attempting to guilt you, pressure you, and manipulate you into getting exactly what he wants - regardless of what you want from the relationship. That is NOT OK!

Please, don't continue to observe things. Tell him that the relationship is done. Spend your time and energy looking for a relationship with a man who will love you and treat you with the kindness and respect that you deserve.

Seriously, there must be someone else you can date... If I was you, I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than give this man one more minute of my time... I can't tell you how much I abhor his behavior. He has SERIOUS problems - why are you not seeing these red flags for what they are and taking the steps that you need to take to protect yourself from this man?
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Old 12th November 2017, 1:56 PM   #59
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His behaviour is typical of someone with an attachment problem (read about "avoidant attachment"). These persons had a traumatic experience in childhood or their teen years when they were vulnerable (someone died or abandoned them or didnt give them the emotional/physical closeness they desperately needed) and they now perceive close attachments/intimacy as DANGER. Such persons keep others always at arm's length. But... as soon as they see that their "desire" object (or rather their "prey") starts losing interest, they make a sudden move closer... but as soon as you show more interest they are gone again. It's like chasing the wind on the fields.

This problem could maybe be fixed with lots of psychotherapy, but most such individuals dont even recognise they have a problem. They prey on insecure persons who also have attachment problems (maybe in the other sense, too clingy). I realised I am such a person and oh boy, all men I attracted were the avoidant type.

With them it's a dance that never ends... you make one step closer, they make two steps behind. And these persons can be successful professionals with high IQ (one I know has PhD in economy).

To me the key was to recognise I also had an intimacy problem. That was the reason I (still) continue attracting such men.

Last edited by gia37; 12th November 2017 at 2:00 PM..
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Old 12th November 2017, 2:04 PM   #60
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Mainly, he wrote that he wants to meet me very much but he will not act as if we "were only friends" and he insists on that.
Please do not be flattered by this statement. He is saying this to make sure

that you know he is expecting sex. He sounds like he's saying he isn't going

to waste his time traveling for a "friends only" meeting to get to know you.

He wants sex with you pure and simple. Sometimes men will say anything to

get it then disappear afterwards. You don't know where this man lives,

haven't been to his home and you do not know him. If he were as in love as

you say he couldn't help himself from contacting you because he would want

to hear from you as much as you want to hear from him. Men in love don't

act like this. As far as his past "problem" making him to want this distance; I

don't believe and BTW is he getting professional help for it during his self

improvement process?
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