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Men make me sick to my stomach. Literally


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Old 14th April 2019, 10:12 AM   #1
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Unhappy Men make me sick to my stomach. Literally

Before anyone gets offended, let me explain.

I'm straight, I love (manly) men, I got nothing against them as a whole. I've been single for a few months now, and I'm occasionally going out on ”dates”.

Why ”dates”? Because they are laid back, casual encounters; they aren't your typical fancy restaurant dates when you know you go out for a date.

I'm trying to keep an open mind about it - that's why I dated men ranging from early 20's to 50's (I'm almost 30 years old). I met some of them online, some of them were introduced to me by common friends, I met others in certain places etc. I went out with doctors, musicians, IT guys, 1%er bikers, engineers, designers - you name it.

I have never dated so extensively in my life, so maybe it's something more common than I'd think, but most of these men make me sick to my stomach after a while.

Initially, when we start talking, everything seems fine. We casually chat online for a few days, we laugh and have a good time, I'm not being flirty because I don't wanna mislead them in case there's no chemistry between us (by the way, I'm not uptight, but I'm not like ”I can't wait to kiss you/ hook up with you” either).

So, after a few days, one of us usually sets up a meeting. As I said, everything is very laid back, as I'm not a fan of forced things. It typically goes like ”I was invited at xxxxx, wanna join me? / I'm going out to a movie, wanna come?”.

And then, everything changes. I meet up with them, but I don't find them attractive as partners. Some of them proved out to be insane (one of them was bipolar and wanted to commit suicide shortly after our date), others were alcoholics, most of them had big self-esteem issues, some were very rude and selfish in real life.

I always come back home exhausted and disappointed. Sometimes, if they want something more, I'll tell them that it's better for us to remain friends, sometimes I simply show no interest in seeing them again. But here comes the part that bothers me the most: they won't cease.

They start bothering me all day long. Some feel like sharing they're **** ups, others tell me about their erectile dysfunctions and crappy sex lives (not that I'm asking for any details), they start whining and they become super clingy.

I'm aware that I reject them, but it seems the stronger the rejection is, the more interested they become. And it seems like the rejection turns them on, not me as a person, because they couldn't care less about me.

I just wanted to ask if this is normal when dating... I'm trying not to lose hope, even though I find a lot of this tiring.
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Old 14th April 2019, 10:18 AM   #2
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Sadly it's not atypical. As the saying goes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Just keep trying. Remember with each bad match you are hopefully one step closer to a quality partner.
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Old 14th April 2019, 10:27 AM   #3
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You could consider pre-screening by only selecting people who are professionals or part of extracurricular clubs (on meetup for example) that you agree with. In that way you might save a little time not having to worry about the lower quality dates.
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Old 14th April 2019, 10:27 AM   #4
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Hang in there. You've only been single for a few months. Enjoy being single and spend time with your girlfriends doing things that you enjoy.
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Old 14th April 2019, 10:31 AM   #5
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This is consistent with my experience dating - minus the men who won’t cease.

As they say, you have kiss a lot of frogs.

I would say your expectations are a little high if you expect these men to take you out for a nice dinner... that would be more reasonable to expect of someone you are actually “dating,” not for a first meeting.
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Old 14th April 2019, 10:54 AM   #6
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Maybe instead if telling them "let's be friends" say something that will let them know you don't want to see or hear from them again. Something like, "It was nice meeting you but I don't feel enough chemistry to go further. Have a great life." Then block them and move on. Don't be vague but direct about what you don't want.
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Old 14th April 2019, 11:11 AM   #7
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Personally, I think online dating sucks. But to each his/her own. Having said that, you seem to be getting too close to these people way too soon. Going to a movie with other friends? Really? You don’t even know this person and you want to sit next to them in a dark room and introduce them to your friends? Don’t think for one second that you know anything about them until you’ve met them face-to-face, several times. Keep them at arms length until you’ve sussed things out better.

And, yes, there are a lot of odd people out there. You need to be aware of that and not act like it’s not a reality. Half the world is on some kind of drug or medication, have severe mental health problems, and/or other issues that a normal person simply can’t deal with. It’s not about being judgmental or cruel, it’s just a simple matter of fact - normal people cannot sustain a relationship with a dysfunctional person. Learn to weed out people you don’t resonate with. And, honestly, I wouldn’t even have lengthy conversations with them online. Just talk briefly, meet them, and go from there. Bottom line - establish better boundaries.
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Old 14th April 2019, 11:27 AM   #8
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I gotta say that I'm relieved to hear that other went trough similar experiences.

I'm not doing any online dating, I'm not using any dating app. When I said I meet them online, I meant on social media. I like to go out with them and not spend too much time talking online because nothing can replace real interaction.

The thing is, I always noticed red flags and backed up.

Just a recent example: I went out with a guy, he was pretty good looking, he had a great career in the IT field & was very intelligent, but as we were heading home (we live in the same area) he wanted to beat a homeless man that was sleeping. I got home, unfriended him and deleted his phone number. He kept texting me the following days, telling me that I shouldn't be upset over such incident. What on Earth was he thinking...

Probably it's my fault that I'm being friendly, but I'm doing it because I don't wanna offend them. I think I'll try to more blunt next time, if needed.
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Old 14th April 2019, 11:32 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bathtub-row View Post
Personally, I think online dating sucks. But to each his/her own. Having said that, you seem to be getting too close to these people way too soon. Going to a movie with other friends? Really? You don’t even know this person and you want to sit next to them in a dark room and introduce them to your friends? Don’t think for one second that you know anything about them until you’ve met them face-to-face, several times. Keep them at arms length until you’ve sussed things out better.
I don't introduce them to my friends. I'm not that silly, don't worry I would never go out with someone for the first time and meet up with my or his friends.

Also, I'm meeting them face-to-face because I think this is the best way to get to know someone. Most of the times, there isn't any second date, because of the red flags I notice.
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Old 14th April 2019, 12:14 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by golden.peach View Post
And then, everything changes. I meet up with them, but I don't find them attractive as partners. Some of them proved out to be insane (one of them was bipolar and wanted to commit suicide shortly after our date), others were alcoholics, most of them had big self-esteem issues, some were very rude and selfish in real life.
You're talking about online men mostly here. Yes OLD is the playground of the disordered, although there are good people who dabble in it.

I've met some messed up men but they don't make me sick. Makes me want to help them but I know I can't. OLD made me realize how many unhappy people there are out there. So I started volunteering at a suicide prevention center.
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Old 14th April 2019, 12:58 PM   #11
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Wow, you really have encountered some doozies. It's a cautionary tale for all those people here on LS who think they know their long distance relationship person well enough to move right in, isn't it? You just don't know until you meet them and know them a bit in person.

As for the ones who keep contacting, simply block them or tell them "I'm not interested in keeping up communication. Sorry." And then block them.

Get rid of ALL those.

I'm going to suggest you go ahead and join one of those background check places and just start background checking them before you go out too. You'd need their name and a name of a sibling or a partial address, I imagine, unless they had an unusual name.

I can't fault your online approach, with the no ramped up flirting. I think that's smart. No reason to flirt with someone you've never even met. They're just going to think, She flirts with guys she's never met.

So it's only a matter of time before you finally get a good one out of this bad batch. Be sure there's nothing in your social media or profiles that makes them think you'd be tolerant of addicts, alcoholics, and sidewinders. Make sure there's no statement that makes them that comfy you won't mind, like some statement like you love everyone or have empathy for everyone or feel sorry for everyone. Convey that you do have ethics and boundaries in a subtle way.
Good luck.
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Old 14th April 2019, 1:23 PM   #12
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I think I misinterpreted what you meant when you wrote, “So, after a few days, one of us usually sets up a meeting. As I said, everything is very laid back, as I'm not a fan of forced things. It typically goes like ”I was invited at xxxxx, wanna join me? / I'm going out to a movie, wanna come?”.”

It seems that social media is no better than online dating. I have ceased friending people on Facebook that I don’t know. There’s no reason I can think of that I need to read the daily musings of someone I never met. I did it recently because this guy was on a like Facebook page. I had forgotten why I don’t add people to my Facebook page but he reminded me pretty quickly. And he just couldn’t take a hint so I unfriended him. As far as I can tell, the internet is the worst thing to ever happen to the dating scene.
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Old 14th April 2019, 1:59 PM   #13
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Doozies - I love that word!

Sadly, the background check isn't available where I live. The only thing I can do, and do it sometimes, is to browse their name on Google to see if anything pops-up (though it's mostly their Facebook or LinkedIn profiles, nothing much).

Also, keep in mind, these are the guys that seem OK at first and then prove to be otherwise.

Also, what does OLD stands for? The acronym I'm not a native English speaker.

Thank you!
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Old 14th April 2019, 2:07 PM   #14
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OLD= OnLine Dating
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Old 14th April 2019, 3:42 PM   #15
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I think going out with guys you "know" from social media is probably mostly the same as the ones you would date from an online dating app. Basically they are strangers to you and you don't really "know" them. So it's kind of a gamble. Through social media it might narrow it down a bit if you have a real life mutual friend or similar interest. Other than that it's probably as random as online dating. Plus then you will be faced with the fact that if they have followed or creeped on your social media, they will have conjured up who they think you are based on that one dimension rather than what the real you is.

I think people can be persistent when you are not interested because they are trying to prove to themselves that they are worthy. I think maybe just be more clear that you are not interested in dating them and don't say anything about the friends thing. In that context, it probably gives them hope or the feeling that they just need another chance to win you over. Dating is somewhat of a numbers game so you do have to go through some people to find the right one--though you can get lucky and bump into the right one at any point. You just have to keep trying, refine and change up your efforts sometimes and back off when it brings you down or has you discouraged. I'd say it's really important to give attention to your friends and hobbies because often the best love stories come out of something surrounding those things.

BTW, your english is really good for a non-native speaker Good luck
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