Follow head or heart?

[Followheadorheart]

My boyfriend and I have been together for several years. During this time we broke up a few times and I did date some others that he is aware of.

 

He is currently putting pressure on me to move in my home and marry me next year. I haven’t been comfortable with this idea because of her different finances. He has very little but I am very comfortable working and saving. But we do love each other and get along. Yesterday he said he was always worried that I’m always looking for someone else that is “better“ for me. He knows my daughter doesn’t care for him and does feel I should find somebody more compatible in terms of education (I’m a lawyer) as well as finances. My heart is saying don’t leave him but my head is telling me to run from him because I’ll regret it if I don’t.

 

My daughter is visiting me next week for the holiday and he expects to see her but she doesn’t want to.

 

This is so hard. Any thoughts?

Edited December 17, 2018 by Followheadorheart

[Andy_K]

Why doesn't your daughter like him?

[Garcon1986]

Welcome to LS.

 

The terrible thing here is that finances are the source of failure of many marriages. You will have to ask yourself if you are ok with forever being the breadwinner? From what I know of most women, they always hope their hubby will step up to the plate but it has always failed, because the hubby will become complacent. If there's no concrete steps he is taking towards having his own independent salary, it will become more and more miserable for you.

 

On the other hand, if he is working and has a comfortable salary but it's just less than yours, that's slightly different. Many couples live with salary differentials.

[Followheadorheart]

My daughter feels he isn’t trustworthy.

 

She knows he has lied to me in the past about his money issues and he did serve time for check kiting over 10 years ago. However we’ve known his family including his kids for 30 years and they are all hard working and honest. Since rebuilding his life he has worked hard and has always been very kind to my daughter.

[Garcon1986]

Can you look in the mirror and tell yourself you will be happy with him 5 years down the road in the married life if he still does not earn his own salary? Or are you describing a situation where he's full time, but actually earns less than you?

[scaredtodeath200]

I will probably retire in 5 years but he shouldn't since he can't live on social security alone. He earns about $30k/year and gets social security; but only has about $20K in assets.

[Mrs._December]

I wouldn't do it.

 

 

I think he sees you as a way not to have to worry about finances anymore. It's pretty common knowledge that lawyers make a decent living, and since he's obviously underemployed (and likely always WILL be) you're the answer to not having to worry about it.

 

If he's so 'in love' with you, why is he pressuring you to let him move in and marry him? Why does it have to be within the next year? There's a reason for it, and I'm betting my house that it ain't for love.

[d0nnivain]

If you are feeling pressured to move in & marry something is wrong & you should not do either. Your inner voice is telling you not to do this. Listen.

 

Love isn't enough. Since you do love him, take a baby step & work to rebuild trust between him & your daughter. See if you can get them to spend an hour or two together but don't push farther than that.

 

Before you move in or marry speak to lawyers & accountants about prenups & other protections.

[smackie9]

Ya you need a prenup so all bases are covered. You are a lawyer you should be able to find an associate that can set one up for you.

 

Remember if he gets an illness you will be on the hook for his medical bills because medicare sees both your incomes as one. That means he won't be eligible for coverage. And we know he won't be able to afford proper private insurance, YOU will be covering that most likely. Secondly, since you have more income, and you divorce, he can expect alimony from you to keep him in the lifestyle he's used to. Thirdly, he will have access to your bank accounts/credit cards, etc.I assure you he will insist accounts will be shared. He will simply say "we are married now, it's the thing to do, you love me right?"

Listen to your daughter. She's thinking with her head, she's got a sense that he's got some shadiness going on.

[amaysngrace]

It sounds like he’d be more like your child than your husband.

[snowcones]

I'm not a lawyer, but if you married and then divorced, wouldn't the retirement you've earned (even before the marriage) have to be split 50/50 with him?

[amaysngrace]

I'm not a lawyer, but if you married and then divorced, wouldn't the retirement you've earned (even before the marriage) have to be split 50/50 with him?

 

And the marital home?

[snowcones]

And the marital home?

 

 

I know the marital home if purchased before the marriage will be separate property, but I don't know about retirement accounts.

[amaysngrace]

I know the marital home if purchased before the marriage will be separate property, but I don't know about retirement accounts.

 

Oh right, mine tried to move into my house that I bought after I filed but before we were officially divorced so that’s totally different.

 

Thanks.

[Wallysbears]

This guy sounds like he is a gold digger.

 

Date him if you'd like but do NOT move him into your house, do not give him money and do NOT marry him.

[olivetree]

This sounds just like this thread:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/669525-should-i-give-my-daughter-s-demands

[smackie9]

I know the marital home if purchased before the marriage will be separate property, but I don't know about retirement accounts.

If you are in Canada, all your property, assets and money is all ballz in when you are married or if you live common law for one year. You are also on the hook for child support even if they are not your kids. Now you know why a lot of guys wouldn't touch a single mom with a 10 foot pole.

[Versacehottie]

This sounds just like this thread:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/669525-should-i-give-my-daughter-s-demands

 

i was going to say the same thing!!! And another!!! In any case, you could search the forums and see the extensive responses that were given to this other poster

[Followheadorheart]

So my plan was to talk to my daughter calmly and request she at least allow my bf to spend a few hours with us over the holiday.

Before that I discussed with my bf why my daughter had concerns about him (ie, he served time for a white collar crime a long time ago) but I’d tell her that she needs to at least give him another shot.

He has rebuilt his life but is limited in his ability to be financially comfortable by savings lots of money for retirement. As stated earlier he makes enough to pay his bills but that’s it.

 

My question is this: he heard me out and said you know neither of us are getting any younger and we will be 70 before you know it. I’m 61 and he is 66 so us living together and getting married has an expiration date. I said nothing in response other than I understand. He also mentioned that his share of home expenses when we live together is an amount less than I recall. It would be less than his rent he pays now. In my opinion it should be pro rata based on income we each have but it concerns me he told me I said that amount is fine. I never remember that and I have a very good memory.

 

What do I do? I love him but I continue to feel pressure and almost manipulated. Am I being too hard on him?

[Logo]

What would happen if you tell him how you feel?

[Followheadorheart]

I already talked to him about my anxiety relating to his financial ability to help me with household expenses.

I suppose it scares me that he said there is an expiration date to living together especially since his money issues have been a good reason for delay and I’ve been patient. Also that he didn’t go to work a few hours a week because it was inconvenient. Not that he lost so much. He doesn’t get paid that much an hour.

 

I love him but just can’t get comfortable he has really changed and is fiscally reliable.

[elaine567]

In my opinion it should be pro rata based on income we each have but it concerns me he told me I said that amount is fine. I never remember that and I have a very good memory.

 

What do I do? I love him but I continue to feel pressure and almost manipulated. Am I being too hard on him?

 

Tell him he is mistaken and that you never agreed to any of that and reiterate the amount you feel he should pay.

 

I love him but just can’t get comfortable he has really changed and is fiscally reliable.

Love may not be enough...