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Should I give in to my daughter's demands?


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Since I reconciled with an old boyfriend 5 months ago, my daughter has refused to accept him in my life. She says I can do "much better" in terms of someone who is more educated like me and has better finances like me.

 

I am already 61 and she is 26. I know she has my best interest at heart but this is becoming a very hard situation even though she lives with her bf out of town. For example, when she comes home for the holidays she doesn't want to "be around him". He has tried to reach out to her but she doesn't change.

 

She also tells me "isn't it a red flag that I don't like him?" and other things that make me feel really confused and upset. She says I'm really settling but I explained to her at this point in my life I'm looking for a good companion and they won't be exactly what I would prefer.

 

I know he may not be the perfect match but he is good to me and my son (who lives near me and has mild autism) and I know he really cares for us.

 

I would make sure that he didn't take advantage of my money, etc.

 

She typically has good common sense - I don't want to alienate her - it's only me, my son and my daughter. I'm a widow.

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Tell her what you told us. Remind her that you have no intention of "being taken" but for now she has to trust your judgment. Don't force them to spend time together & do keep your eyes open. Education alone does not measure the character of a person.

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Demands are rarely something you should give into, whether they are issued from family or from terrorists. So no, you should not. However, the tough thing about the interwebs is that we only get half (if that) of the story. Your daughter is still young but she is old enough to have formed reasons for why she does not like him and the statement about red flags gives me some pause that perhaps this isn't the whole story. Your lament that you just want companionship is also troubling, not because it's a bad thing to want but because loneliness makes us sometimes ignore harmful aspects of a relationship.

 

So what I would suggest is a long, specific conversation with your daughter. Tell her up front that you may not - and current do not - agree with her but you want to understand why she is so dead set against him. If your BF is just annoying and boring, she can live with it. But if there is another side to the story, you should hear it. And when you do, make sure you don't just hear it...listen to it as well.

 

And then make your own call.

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I will say what someone told me after the death of my mother - be kind to each other.

 

Very likely, she has your best interest at heart. Sometimes, when we are in a situation or involved with a new love interest, there are things we don’t see that someone outside the situation may see better... have a conversation with her, listen to her concerns, and tell her how you feel. But, really consider what she says because I’m sure, she loves you and she is just trying to be protective...

 

That said, you are a grown woman and you are entitled to make her own decisions. If, after she has shared her concerns, you decide to pursue this relationship... then, she should respect your right to do so and let it go.

 

If he is kind and respectful, if he is financially stable and there is no risk that he will take advantage of you financially, and if you enjoy his company... I see no reason why you wouldn’t pursue the relationship. But - don’t discount her concerns because as they say, love is blind sometimes. Don’t rush into anything and be careful. Good luck.

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Ask her what EXACTLY, SPECIFICALLY it is she doesn't like about him. Lack of Education? Lack of money? Those are generalities. At your age (unless he's much younger) he's made it this far OK, apparently he's done enough in life to keep him from ending up in jail or under a bridge, so he must be somewhat self sufficient. If it truly is all about his social stature and she has no evidence he is trying to con you out of your money, then you might have raised a snob. Sorry.

 

You may want to start the conversation by making a list of all the things you like about him. Be specific too. Compare lists at the end. Of SPECIFICS.

 

 

PS if he connects with your son, that is a highly valuable thing. I have an autistic son and it takes so much patience, understanding, etc ... so I get it.

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What doesn't she like him, OP? What are her specific reasons?

 

You mentioned you would safeguard your money. I am gathering that she's worried he's a freeloader or some such thing?

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I am in my sixties also, look, we do not get many men at our age, get real, you need this guy, blunt but true

 

 

your daughter is being too picky, as you just are in your twenties, so many men come then... what can she know of mature life?

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Plain and simple, your daughter has no right to tell you who you should or shouldn’t date. If my son acted like that, I’d faint dead away from shock. Unless your bf is abusive or anything else along those lines, then your daughter should be gracious toward him as long as he’s in your life. Let her know that you’re not going to tolerate her rudeness.

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here is the potential issue:

 

even though my daughter has known his family for many years, he and his brother had a business failure (due to financial missteps). He did serve limited time but has rebuilt his life the best he can. He does have a job and collects social security so he can pay his bills. But he doesn't have much in terms of assets.

 

I am financially settled and worked all my life.

 

She feels I should be with someone who is more financially sound but he knows he needs to stand on his own 2 feet to be with me (including if we live together).

 

He is extremely loving and caring to me and my kids but she doesn't want any part of it.

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See fears you will spend "her" inheritance on him. It's all about money.

 

Ignore her. Have fun with your companion. Do pay attention to the red flags but as long as you are not co-mingling money or financing some scheme of his, just enjoy.

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For some reason, she feels threatened by this man's presence in your life. When my babygirl was 4, she went through this when I was talking to a guy and I had to sit her down and tell her that he was just someone I met and he was not going to be replacing her in any way, shape or form--and from there she's been good for the past 31 years.

 

If you're fully woke about being with him, he's good to you and your son, and you've already protected your finances, then I'd tell your daughter "well, it'll sure not be the same without you here, however, I'm not going to choose between anyone just because you choose to look down on him. That's your issue, not mine. Make sure to pick up your presents--they'll be here" and not play in or give into her demands.

 

You are an adult of sound mind, not her child and not a ninny. You are fully capable of making decisions on who you want in your life and it's not up to her nor do you have to seek her approval. Ever.

 

At our age, a man who is clean, not an alcoholic, is reasonably healthy, kind, treats you like a queen and is open to love is a find. Dating is not like it was when we were in our 20's and your daughter cannot see that at 26.

 

If he makes you happy, and you've taken measures to protect your interests, then that's all that matters. Have a great holiday season!

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See fears you will spend "her" inheritance on him. It's all about money.

 

Ha! This was my first thought, too.

 

I'll bet dollars to donuts that this is what this is all about--she's only interested in your money, not your happiness.

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He is extremely loving and caring to me and my kids but she doesn't want any part of it.

 

and you know what? She doesn't need or have to. Totally her choice, but do not reward her tantrum because it's not about if he's good enough for you: it's about how much money are you leaving her once you die.

 

Don't run after her because doing that is admitting you're wrong and she's right. She's not. She has no sane reason for interfering in your affairs--at least none you've expressed here.

 

You are the parent here with easily 30+ years of life experience, not her.

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Yes it may be a money/inheritance issue but I guess you ARE settling.

You say nothing about how he makes you feel nor anything about your happiness.

You say, he is good to you and your son and that HE cares...

 

I know at 61, there may be fewer options, but is this really "good enough" for you? Your daughter doesn't think so, could she be right?

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He does make me happy and we have a great time together but I have to admit I get very anxious about how he is dealing with his finances because of any detrimental affect on me ultimately (I cannot be in position at this point in my life to have a "liability").

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He does make me happy and we have a great time together but I have to admit I get very anxious about how he is dealing with his finances because of any detrimental affect on me ultimately (I cannot be in position at this point in my life to have a "liability").

 

You need to keep him at arm’s length. I hope he doesn’t live with you. The problem is, if he has a criminal past, he could very well access your accounts and steal your money. It happens a lot. Don’t make yourself susceptible to someone you’re not comfortable with just because of your age. There’s no law that says you have to have a guy in your life, especially if you’re settling. Honestly, I would never date someone with a criminal history. That’s a complete dealbreaker. Btw, I’m in my late 50’s but feel no real inclination to settle for any guy just because of my age. Nor should you. Risking your finances is a big no.

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I agree with what Elaine said, above. How do you really feel about him? Can you do better, or is it just too daunting to try? And can you be okay with dumping him and looking again, if you don't find someone?

 

That said, while your daughter may want what's best for you, she is being very manipulative and disrespectful. If she wants to avoid this man, for no truly good reason, then I would turn it around on her and say that her live-in boyfriend isn't welcome either. Experiencing a similar scenario may be educational for her.

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He does make me happy and we have a great time together but I have to admit I get very anxious about how he is dealing with his finances because of any detrimental affect on me ultimately (I cannot be in position at this point in my life to have a "liability").

 

Then never marry and never mix your finances for any reason. And let him know the reason why--don't spare him on this point. There are consequences for not having gotten one's retirement together by the time they're in their 60's and he's not entitled to skate on your dime.

 

Make sure your will is solid and iron clad.

 

If you do choose to marry him, an iron clad prenup should be signed by him before you step one foot into the church.

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Last night my daughter called and when I told her I was watching a tv show with my bf she had an absolute meltdown...she told me that she would never speak to me again if I didn't break up with him! She said she won't take my calls or texts... in other words, its "her" or "him"....what do I do?

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For now, pick him. Always pick the person who is not making demands. She is also being dramatic & irrational. If things don't work out, you can always reach out to reconcile with her.

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here is the potential issue:

 

even though my daughter has known his family for many years, he and his brother had a business failure (due to financial missteps). He did serve limited time but has rebuilt his life the best he can. He does have a job and collects social security so he can pay his bills. But he doesn't have much in terms of assets.

 

 

What did he serve time for, OP?

 

A business failure is not a criminal act, so it seems there is something else to this story.

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Her behavior is completely unacceptable. Don’t try to contact her.

 

Is there some other reason why she’s so vehemently opposed to this relationship that we’re not aware of, or is this behavior typical of your daughter?

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I don't know...she can get very "pig headed" and stubborn.

 

My inclination is not to respond or if I do, remind her it is my life and if I decide to break it off it will be on MY terms not HERS!

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