Dating in your 40s the good the bad and the ugly

[Purrrfect]

I'm a 45 yr old divorced mom. I'm very independent. Have a good job. Great credit. Own a house in a great well sought after suburb. 2 kids a teen and a 10 yr old. Told I am good looking and look younger than I am. I battle my weight a little but I do need to lose 20-25 lbs. Why is it that I'm constantly single and never have a BF? I realize I'm picky, and my expectations are unrealistic at my age. My friend can't understand why I don't date more and asked what I'm looking for in a man? I texted her a pic of Henry Cavill lol. She replied back " lol let's be realistic girlie". The one guy I was smitten with after my divorce turned out to be lying cheater. He was good looking and a porn star in the bedroom I compare a lot of guys to him and lose interest when they are lacking in any area.

 

I have zero tolerance for guys that don't have their **** together. I'll meet a lawyer who ends up being short and bald. I'll meet a good looking guy in his 40s only to find out his only job is driving for uber and he lives with 2 roommates or his parents. I ended up putting an add up om Plenty of fish. Ive received over a 100 messages. Most I delete. Im interested in white or Hispanic only. I don't chase men. I figure if a guy is interested he will let me know.

 

So far ive met 4 men.

 

1st guy I met I had zero interest in. He is 46 He seemed to be interested in me and I politely declined a formal date he was cool about it.

 

2nd guy also met for coffee. He is 42 He was ok. Very talkative and hyper. Never heard back from him. That was ok.

 

3rd guy was 39. Good looking. Nice and had good job. Met for coffee. Never heard back. Was a little bummed about that one. I didn't ask him why because I don't want the rejection.

 

4th guy was last night. 45. Good looking with a great smile. Our sons are same age. He has a good job. Seems very handy around the house. I for one am so sick of never having anyone around to do home repairs. We had a nice chat over 90 min. He paid for my 2 drinks. He had a lot less hair than I like but this pettiness I have to get over. Hes 6 foot. Seemed interested so I asked him to another bar I was meeting a friend at and he accepted. He kissed me and has been texting me today and wants too see me again. Is he handsome? Yes. Is he the best looking guy in a big crowded room? No.

 

I really need to give this guy a chance and get to know him.

 

Do I sound like a high maintenance pain in the butt?

Edited December 16, 2018 by Purrrfect

[Cersei]

I hope not to sound too harsh but:

 

If you want to be accepted for you then perhaps accept others for the people that they are.

 

Be honest with yourself. 2 of your qualities are not appealing to everyone. You are carrying an extra 20 to 25 lbs and you have children. To me when looking for a man those qualities were no big deal. However some men won't feel the same way.

 

Don't be so picky because it's not all about looks. Give everyone a fair shot!

[thefooloftheyear]

Not to sound harsh, but the picture I am getting looks like a typical average looking, overweight, middle aged woman with some baggage that thinks she deserves a top tier type of guy...Tall....Good looking, full head of hair...rich/good job etc.. Having good credit and a job are great, but isn't something that will really sway someone..

 

The fact that the good looking guys ghosted you, should give you some indication of where you stand on this...

 

Guys like what you are seeking at this age have ENORMOUS options...Most can pull much younger women or women your age that look dynamite with rockin bodies, etc...If they are in the market for women your age, then they are going for the cream of the crop...And who can blame them?? Point is your competition at your age and stage of life for those types of guys is very fierce..

 

Sorry if I was harsh, and any mischaracterization was unintentional, just trying my best to assess the situation...Maybe give some of those other guys at the other end of the trough a shot....That's all..

 

 

TFY

[Purrrfect]

Guys have to be ok with me having kids. If not they aren't worth my time.

 

I also will not date a shorter guy I am 5 Foot 9

The weight can get lost. I do lose it and unfortunately it finds it's way back. I'm not a BBW by any means. But yes I do realize im not everyones cup of tea.

 

I hope not to sound too harsh but:

 

If you want to be accepted for you then perhaps accept others for the people that they are.

 

Be honest with yourself. 2 of your qualities are not appealing to everyone. You are carrying an extra 20 to 25 lbs and you have children. To me when looking for a man those qualities were no big deal. However some men won't feel the same way.

 

Don't be so picky because it's not all about looks. Give everyone a fair shot!

[Purrrfect]

You are not harsh. I battle my weight. I think im a knockout when I'm a little skinnier. Right now not so much.

 

However I still have standards. I'm not going to date a flat broke guy with 3 kids paying child support through the nose. Or a guy living with his parents at our age. I'm ok with a single dad in fact I prefer that but im not ok with a flat broke one who doesn't even have stable housing. I seem to run into this a lot.

 

 

Not to sound harsh, but the picture I am getting looks like a typical average looking, overweight, middle aged woman with some baggage that thinks she deserves a top tier type of guy...Tall....Good looking, full head of hair...rich/good job etc.. Having good credit and a job are great, but isn't something that will really sway someone..

 

The fact that the good looking guys ghosted you, should give you some indication of where you stand on this...

 

Guys like what you are seeking at this age have ENORMOUS options...Most can pull much younger women or women your age that look dynamite with rockin bodies, etc...If they are in the market for women your age, then they are going for the cream of the crop...And who can blame them?? Point is your competition at your age and stage of life for those types of guys is very fierce..

 

Sorry if I was harsh, and any mischaracterization was unintentional, just trying my best to assess the situation...Maybe give some of those other guys at the other end of the trough a shot....That's all..

 

 

TFY

[Lotsgoingon]

Your standards are your standards ... you can't really drop them now.

 

Just a point about dating in middle age ... There's a thing where everyone ELSE looks kinda old ... but we think we're still our youthful looking selves. Sometimes we are youthful looking. Most times we aren't as youthful in appearance as we imagine we are.

 

Just keep dating ... Dating is a numbers game ... I mean lots of online people report having to go out with 20, 30, 40 people before finding the special person.

 

Don't worry about your standards. You don't sound like someone who goes with the flow ... so the idea that you can relax your standards ... well that seems unrealistic.

 

Keep meeting folks. But try to enjoy the journey more ... go to more places you really like, more activities that you like. Make the dating more fun in and of itself ... Going into every date hoping to meet that special one, who checks all our boxes, is gonna make dating so much less fun that it can be.

[greymatter]

Your comment about the guy driving for Uber makes you sound judgmental (and like you have low self esteem, if you are trying to boost yourself up by only dating a guy with a job that you deem acceptable). What line of work are you in?

 

Your comment about the short and bald lawyer is also very judgmental. You weren't attracted to him, fine, but you make it sound like you are superior to him (i.e. how dare he show up and be short and bald!). Being short and bald doesn't mean he doesn't have his sh*t together, as you say. I too wouldn't want to date someone who lives with his parents but that is easy enough to determine in advance of meeting.

 

Your comment about wanting a guy around to fix things is also a bit strange, for a newly-dating person. Hire someone if you need things to be repaired (didn't you say you are very independent? Then get things fixed around the house and pay someone for it).

 

Dating is about meeting new people and hopefully finding someone you enjoy spending time with. Expecting to instantly find a partner is probably unrealistic, unless you get really lucky and, as others say, you have a lot to offer (beyond owning a house, good credit, living in a good area and other superficial things).

 

You do kind of sound like a pain in the butt, to answer your question (you asked). Having standards is fine. I think you probably need some more dating experience to figure some things out about yourself, what you have to offer, and learn to screen potential dates.

Edited December 17, 2018 by greymatter

[brigit87]

I'm a 45 yr old divorced mom. I'm very independent. Have a good job. Great credit. Own a house in a great well sought after suburb. 2 kids a teen and a 10 yr old. Told I am good looking and look younger than I am. I battle my weight a little but I do need to lose 20-25 lbs.

4th guy was last night. 45. Good looking with a great smile. Our sons are same age. He has a good job. Seems very handy around the house. I for one am so sick of never having anyone around to do home repairs. We had a nice chat over 90 min. He paid for my 2 drinks. He had a lot less hair than I like but this pettiness I have to get over. Hes 6 foot. Seemed interested so I asked him to another bar I was meeting a friend at and he accepted. He kissed me and has been texting me today and wants too see me again. Is he handsome? Yes. Is he the best looking guy in a big crowded room? No.

 

I really need to give this guy a chance and get to know him.

 

Do I sound like a high maintenance pain in the butt?

 

Well he might not be the best looking guy in the room but you don't sound like the best looking female. It's nice that you have good credit but I don't think that gets men hot.

 

Twenty-five pounds overweight is very overweight IMO. You sound like a nice lady but complaining about the dude not having enough hair is very picky. You need to really look in the mirror and see yourself now. Not the 20 year old female that you probably were when you met your husband. I still can't believe that I'm 50 and not the 20 something hot girl I used to be.

 

It must be terrifying dating in your 40's. I do give you credit for putting yourself out there. But you need to be realistic.

[phineas]

You are not harsh. I battle my weight. I think im a knockout when I'm a little skinnier. Right now not so much.

 

However I still have standards. I'm not going to date a flat broke guy with 3 kids paying child support through the nose. Or a guy living with his parents at our age. I'm ok with a single dad in fact I prefer that but im not ok with a flat broke one who doesn't even have stable housing. I seem to run into this a lot.

 

yup. Lot's of men are in those situations at our age.

just out of curiosity how much did you bend your ex over for child support?

I don't need a number but if you put the screws to him you and women like you are the reason men in your dating pool are strapped for cash.

just an FYI.

 

I'm 47.

I got women in their 30's showing interest in me.

Why would I bother with a woman my own age who isn't even in shape?

 

I may sound harsh but I don't mean to, i'm just stating facts.

 

On the plus side I see a lot of women in their 40's with dudes in their 50's who have a lot of disposable income.

they seem happy.

[greymatter]

yup. Lot's of men are in those situations at our age.

just out of curiosity how much did you bend your ex over for child support?

I don't need a number but if you put the screws to him you and women like you are the reason men in your dating pool are strapped for cash.

just an FYI.

 

I'm 47.

I got women in their 30's showing interest in me.

Why would I bother with a woman my own age who isn't even in shape?

 

I may sound harsh but I don't mean to, i'm just stating facts.

 

On the plus side I see a lot of women in their 40's with dudes in their 50's who have a lot of disposable income.

they seem happy.

 

Child support is intended to provide for the cost of raising the children - both parents' incomes are considered in the determination of the child support amount and is usually based on standard tables, at least in my state.

 

Also, about the second bolded sentence - remember that there are also plenty of women who make a good living and have disposable income - it's not just men.

[alphamale]

you have two kids and need to lose 30lbs. you're not going to get the pick of the litter

[phineas]

Child support is intended to provide for the cost of raising the children - both parents' incomes are considered in the determination of the child support amount and is usually based on standard tables, at least in my state.

 

Also, about the second bolded sentence - remember that there are also plenty of women who make a good living and have disposable income - it's not just men.

 

Yeah.

Keep thinking that on the child support front.

 

And if OP had her own disposable income she wouldn't care if a guy had money or not right?

Yet she does so I fail to see what your post has to do with the OP at all.

[greymatter]

Yeah.

Keep thinking that on the child support front.

 

And if OP had her own disposable income she wouldn't care if a guy had money or not right?

Yet she does so I fail to see what your post has to do with the OP at all.

 

Yep, I will keep thinking that on the child support front. I think you are confusing child support and alimony.

 

How does your post help the OP? You accused her of bending her ex over for child support when nothing she wrote suggests that. There is no empathy or realization on your part that it's not easy to be a full time parent with full custody. Clearly the OP wants a stable partner who can provide for themselves; that much is obvious from her posts.

Edited December 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[thefooloftheyear]

Most of the guys I know in that age range that are divorced with kids are paying a fair amount of support, but also allowing the exW to live in the family house...Some are paying alimony on top of it...

 

What happens then, is that even if they make a decent income, there is little left after they pay their rent on the shytty apartment they live in, as its all they can afford...

 

Understand, I am not saying this is all the exW fault, a lot of these considerations and sacrifices are done for the kids..

 

Perhaps a little bit of understanding from women at this age range, though, is in order...If the guy doesn't roll up in an S class and doesn't live large, in many cases its not because he's inferior or weak....its just life..

 

TFY

Edited December 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[some_username1]

So let me get this straight...you stand in judgement of others, whilst having flaws that reduce your market value yourself, whilst complaining about being single.

 

That's a pretty ugly cocktail OP. Your judgements are yours to have and you have every right to have them, but if you do continue to hold on to them then you have to accept that they may hold you back and contribute to the reason you are single. I guess what I'm trying to say is be who you are and own it, but don't complain about the circumstances being who you are puts you in.

[Banker Chick]

I was dating in my late 30s & on & I know what you mean. I only have one child and she was 15 at the time but it was me that wasn't a fan of dating someone with young kids. I also had a good career & a graduate degree, weight wasn't an issue for me & I still experienced similar issues. I think part of my problem was I'm very independent & a tad set in my ways. I just kept at it until I found someone I clicked with. Ironically, it was someone that was unemployed due to the recession. I would normally not have given him a second look but there was "something" I was attracted to. I gave him a chance & am so glad I did. We've been together now 9 years. I was probably too hard on some of the guys I dated but I'm happy with how things turned out. It's true though that both men & women seem to want the perfect person, even if they aren't. Keep your standards but don't be so quick to rule out the ones that have potential.

[TheFinalWord]

I'm a 45 yr old divorced mom. I'm very independent. Have a good job. Great credit. Own a house in a great well sought after suburb. 2 kids a teen and a 10 yr old. Told I am good looking and look younger than I am. I battle my weight a little but I do need to lose 20-25 lbs. Why is it that I'm constantly single and never have a BF? I realize I'm picky, and my expectations are unrealistic at my age. My friend can't understand why I don't date more and asked what I'm looking for in a man? I texted her a pic of Henry Cavill lol. She replied back " lol let's be realistic girlie". The one guy I was smitten with after my divorce turned out to be lying cheater. He was good looking and a porn star in the bedroom I compare a lot of guys to him and lose interest when they are lacking in any area.

 

I have zero tolerance for guys that don't have their **** together. I'll meet a lawyer who ends up being short and bald. I'll meet a good looking guy in his 40s only to find out his only job is driving for uber and he lives with 2 roommates or his parents. I ended up putting an add up om Plenty of fish. Ive received over a 100 messages. Most I delete. Im interested in white or Hispanic only. I don't chase men. I figure if a guy is interested he will let me know.

 

So far ive met 4 men.

 

1st guy I met I had zero interest in. He is 46 He seemed to be interested in me and I politely declined a formal date he was cool about it.

 

2nd guy also met for coffee. He is 42 He was ok. Very talkative and hyper. Never heard back from him. That was ok.

 

3rd guy was 39. Good looking. Nice and had good job. Met for coffee. Never heard back. Was a little bummed about that one. I didn't ask him why because I don't want the rejection.

 

4th guy was last night. 45. Good looking with a great smile. Our sons are same age. He has a good job. Seems very handy around the house. I for one am so sick of never having anyone around to do home repairs. We had a nice chat over 90 min. He paid for my 2 drinks. He had a lot less hair than I like but this pettiness I have to get over. Hes 6 foot. Seemed interested so I asked him to another bar I was meeting a friend at and he accepted. He kissed me and has been texting me today and wants too see me again. Is he handsome? Yes. Is he the best looking guy in a big crowded room? No.

 

I really need to give this guy a chance and get to know him.

 

Do I sound like a high maintenance pain in the butt?

 

 

Can I be real with you?

 

Sexual marketplace value.

 

Women's SMV is highest in their 20s-early 30s, while for men its highest in their late 30 to mid-40s.

 

In short, men in your age range are able to attract much younger women due to hypergamy. Men don't really care about owning a home or if you are independent. They primarily look at a woman's physical attractiveness and is she fun to be around.

 

That's just the harsh reality of it. You are behaving as though you are that hot 25 year old that you used to be able to blow guys off attractive men and they would still chase you incessantly. That's just not going to happen anymore. The men in your age range that have their acts together and are tall, good looking with full head of hair are able to attract women in their 20s, with no kids, no baggage, and at the peak of their physical attractiveness. Men in your age range have their pick of women, much like you did in your 20s.

Edited December 17, 2018 by TheFinalWord

[phineas]

Most of the guys I know in that age range that are divorced with kids are paying a fair amount of support, but also allowing the exW to live in the family house...Some are paying alimony on top of it...

 

What happens then, is that even if they make a decent income, there is little left after they pay their rent on the shytty apartment they live in, as its all they can afford...

 

Understand, I am not saying this is all the exW fault, a lot of these considerations and sacrifices are done for the kids..

 

Perhaps a little bit of understanding from women at this age range, though, is in order...If the guy doesn't roll up in an S class and doesn't live large, in many cases its not because he's inferior or weak....its just life..

 

TFY

 

Pretty much this.

I mentioned guys in their 50's because they no longer pay the child support and have the cash.

 

bear in mind you never stop supporting your child. hell my little brother is 40 and he's back home even though he's never been married and has no kids.

 

I kept my house, can afford the toys the kids love to play, ect. when they are with me.

Can afford to take a woman to a nice dinner a couple times a month but most women I date would rather drink around a fire or in the hot tub and hang with a group of friends vs. be taken out.

 

I do drive an old car because I can't afford a payment.

I do have to sand the rust and do some touch up in the summer on it. LOL!

I'm better off than most guys my age that is for sure.

[mortensorchid]

I am going to be 44 in a few weeks, I am somewhat in the same boat as you. I have never been married, have no kids, and I constantly go out with guys who do not meet standards. Even if they do, they are not interested in me. Ones who don't meet standards tend to be losers with no jobs, alcoholics / drug addicts, bitter about their pasts, etc. The ones who seem to be the desirable types (good job, may or may not have been married once / have kids, etc.) are not interested in me because they want a woman who is lesser than they are or who creates problems, dramatics, etc. You can't win in the world anymore.

 

I am independent, I have suffered from being with men who will not commit to me but end up committing to the wrong woman barely a year later, then get divorced and have a lot to regret. I like to have a good time, I don't like sitting around the house unless I choose to, I have lots of friends / acquaintances, and I think men want someone who is lesser than they are. I've had a very exciting life of travel and adventures not a lot of people have, they think they can't measure up. Vain? I might be, but I deserve to have standards like you do.

 

You have to find a man who deserves you and who you deserve back. Easier said than done but that's the bottom line.

[chillii]

You answer your own question about 50times in that first post and your 25lbs over weight.

Done and dusted, hope you enjoy being single

[divegrl]

My friend,

 

You are a beautiful person. Keep being full of love and joy. The right man will naturally come and walk along side you.

 

Sending joy and peace to you today. Hugs.

[JuneL]

You answer your own question about 50times in that first post and your 25lbs over weight.

Done and dusted, hope you enjoy being single

 

OP: Are you 25lbs overweight, or 25lbs over your ideal weight? My ideal BMI (for myself) is 19-19.5; even if I’m 25lbs above my ideal weight, I’m still well within the normal weight range. But I would look like a completely different person if I was 25lbs heavier than the weight giving me a BMI of 25.

[JuneL]

My friend,

 

You are a beautiful person. Keep being full of love and joy. The right man will naturally come and walk along side you.

 

Sending joy and peace to you today. Hugs.

 

But the same can be said of a guy who is short, bald, has receding hairline, has unattractive facial features, doesn’t have a great smile.

[thefooloftheyear]

I am going to be 44 in a few weeks, I am somewhat in the same boat as you. I have never been married, have no kids, and I constantly go out with guys who do not meet standards. Even if they do, they are not interested in me. Ones who don't meet standards tend to be losers with no jobs, alcoholics / drug addicts, bitter about their pasts, etc. The ones who seem to be the desirable types (good job, may or may not have been married once / have kids, etc.) are not interested in me because they want a woman who is lesser than they are or who creates problems, dramatics, etc. You can't win in the world anymore.

 

I am independent, I have suffered from being with men who will not commit to me but end up committing to the wrong woman barely a year later, then get divorced and have a lot to regret. I like to have a good time, I don't like sitting around the house unless I choose to, I have lots of friends / acquaintances, and I think men want someone who is lesser than they are. I've had a very exciting life of travel and adventures not a lot of people have, they think they can't measure up. Vain? I might be, but I deserve to have standards like you do.

 

You have to find a man who deserves you and who you deserve back. Easier said than done but that's the bottom line.

 

It may be a bit cruel and you and the OP(and anyone else) may see it as unfair, but sometimes the world tells you what you don't necessarily want to hear...

 

You can whine and blame it all on "them", but in reality, its most often not "them"..

 

Like some famous NFL coach once said...

 

"You are what your record says you are"

 

TFY

[Andy_K]

Why is it that I'm constantly single and never have a BF? I realize I'm picky, and my expectations are unrealistic at my age.

You've answered your question already!

I ended up putting an add up om Plenty of fish. Ive received over a 100 messages.

You might think getting 100 messages means you're a good catch. Unfortunately not. Majority of guys on pof will just be looking to get laid, and figure a fortysomething with two kids would be an easy mark. On the plus side, it does mean you're still attractive, and perhaps you do look young for your age. So if you lose those extra 25lbs and get in great shape, you've got a decent chance to become one of the best available options in your age range. Then you'll get more serious offers and better quality guys.

 

Otherwise, drop your standards or continue to be single. Your call.