Not spending enough time with my boyfriend

[amkxoxo]

So I am growing frustrated at the lack of time I am able to see my boyfriend lately. Its been two weeks now, and he keeps reassuring me that we will see each other soon, but I don’t see an end in sight. Between his job and mine, and some other outside influences, we have not been able to see each other and I am starting to feel bitter about it.

 

He talks to me constantly, we talk on the phone and we text. We miss each other, as we tell each other all the time. I am not doubting his feelings for me, but this time element is not making me happy.

 

I saw him two Sundays ago. We spent the day together. We were supposed to meet for dinner during the week after, but he ran out of time and had to work late and he cancelled. The weekend came again and he then went on a trip to see his family across the country. I was so happy for him. He was dying to see them. Figuring that I would see him when he got back. He gets back, and then immediately gets really sick. I know he was sick, because he was out of work. and he lives for his work and would never miss it. He also was very contagious, and doctors told him to stay away from me for a few days.

 

He has been super busy trying to get a promotion at work. I am proud of him and support him through it. He has had to take tests for it, so studying for days, and had interviews for it too.

 

I stuck it out. He was sick and I didn’t want to get sick. So I figured I would see him the weekend after. Saturday comes, and I am talking to him. He says he has a lot of stuff to do for work and is going to have to sit and get it done. I was a bit taken back. After two weeks, he didn’t want to rush and see me? So I made plans with my friends. I didn’t see him at all.

 

He said he would spend the whole next day with me. The next day, Sunday, exactly two weeks from when I saw him last, we make a plan, he is headed to my house. He calls me and says his work called and he has to go in. He has the type of job that he is on call almost all the time, so he had to go.

 

I was extremely disappointed and let him know that I was supportive of his job, but that I was not happy with the situation. He knows my displeasure and he keeps saying “I will see you soon” and all this other stuff reassuring me, but it seems to be getting longer and longer. His birthday was a week ago and I have a present sitting waiting for him.

 

He said that he would come see me after work today. I talked to him this morning and told him I had been doing so much overtime myself, that I am able to leave early today for a half day to make the most of our time together.

 

He then says he is unsure if he can do today. He has to be up and getting ready for work at 1:30 AM. This is normal for his job. But not ideal in this situation. He then tells me how tomorrow he gets out at 10AM. I tell him that unfortunately I cannot leave work until 6PM tomorrow. And by the time I get home etc… it could be close to 7, which is late considering we both have work the next day.

 

He just says “oh” and tells me how he will see me this week for sure.

 

I am slowly almost starting not to believe him. I miss the physical aspect of our relationship.

 

I tell him how I have to work one day this upcoming weekend, so that day if off the table for us, and then the weekend after he is going on a 10 day vacation with his family. Then one weekend after that he has a business trip. At this rate, I won’t see him for a month or more. I told him all this, but he just keeps reassuring me. But every day it keeps being drawn out more and more.

 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I am feeling alone and frustrated. All my girl friends are spending quality time with their boyfriends regularly. I don’t smother him. I give him time to himself. I support his job. But we are in a relationship. I expect to see the person at least once, or better yet, twice a week. We do live 45 minutes from each other

[kendahke]

So he's working an overnight shift and you work a regular one?

 

I had to work overnights for about 2 years 13 year ago and it is murderous on your body clock and your time. I really began thinking I didn't have enough time in the day to sleep--and that's all I did when I was off work.

 

You have to do so much calculation on how much time you have, how soon you have to be asleep so that you can wake up and be on time for work. This I can say: this sort of shift is not conducive to relationship growth unless you have a really, *really* understanding partner who isn't waiting on you to entertain them or someone who works the same hours as you.

 

He is telling you that he will see you soon because he's trying to manage your expectations while keeping you around. You have to stop going along with this if you don't like it--and yes, that means you two are probably destined to break up because unless either he or you finds another job that affords you a lateral compensation for what your jobs afford you right now, this is going to be your reality for some time to come. There is no getting around this concrete fact. Being with him means more of the same.

 

If you're not down for more of the same for an indefinite period of time, then you have a lot of rethinking to do with regards to this guy. He may be just good enough to be a friend and nothing more at this time in his life. If that's not good enough for you, you need to bounce.

Edited October 8, 2018 by kendahke

[amkxoxo]

He doesn't work the night shift every day. This is a freak thing. Maybe once a week or less he will work like that.

 

I just reached out to him asking when the best time to meet up will be. I am trying to also be accommodating and go to him too. I don't want him to feel like he is always coming to me. I am getting out early on Friday from work and heading his way to spend time with him. Hopefully this pans out and doesn't get cancelled like all the other times.

[smackie9]

He's got to eat and sleep some time. So you going there to see him should be a non issue.

[amkxoxo]

Yes, I am going to see him Friday, if that plan holds true. This will be at three weeks of not seeing each other. Then following this, he is going on a ten day vacation with his family. So another two to three weeks of not seeing him.

 

I am happy he is going away with them and he is so excited, but I guess I wished he prioritized me more in some of his planning.

 

I support his job and it is a priority for him. I understand the scheduling of his job is tricky, but how can you be in a relationship and grow together when you only see each other every three weeks?

 

I am just feeling thrown aside. I feel like I make time for him. I want to see him. I miss touching him and hugging him and being in person talking. I am feeling neglected.

 

I said I would drive to him friday to try and be accommodating to him. I'm working on Friday too. I will be tired and worn out too.

[kendahke]

Be prepared for it not working out, since this is his MO with now.

 

You really should take some time to think long and hard about pursuing this guy if this is the best he can do for you and it's the "honeymoon" period of your relationship. He's not acting like time with you is important and you need to get clear on this.

[smackie9]

I don't get it....he already went on a vacation to see his family, and he's going again?

[elaine567]

I do not like the sound of this one little bit.

Is this the guy who love bombed you?

[amkxoxo]

He flew home to see them for his birthday weekend.

 

They also planned a family vacation in a few weeks so he is flying to meet them at a vacation destination. He did tell me all this ahead of time and dates etc, so I knew. I just never expected to not see him this much, when he was here. I am okay with him going on vacation and family. Family means the world to me. But if you know you are going to be doing this. Wouldn't you try and prioritize seeing your girlfriend beforehand?

 

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think so. Two weeks without him was okay with me. I was fine. But him bailing today, going on three weeks, sort of made me start questioning more.

 

I don't mean to pressure him. But he keeps stating about loving me and me being his girl and missing me etc... The way I see it, then make it a point to come see me if you feel so strongly.

 

Work is so important. I work and have a very good job that is so important to me.

 

I also prioritize him as my boyfriend too. The more I sit here and think about it, the more upset, missing him, and bitter I grow with him. He could have seen me this past Saturday. He chose to sit at home and do nothing, well work. I don't think he worked all day long.

 

The Friday night before that, he sat at home playing video games with one of his good friends all night.

 

He rarely ever sees this friend, so I was okay with it. But he could have seen me. He chose not.

 

I just don't feel important.

[SunnyWeather]

What more do you need to figure out that you are not a priority to him? stop being the 'cool' girlfriend, and do the fade, just like he is.

 

what are you getting out of this? do a 180 and stop graveling over his breadcrumbs

Edited October 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[amkxoxo]

Yes, you are right. I am going to take a step back and focus on myself this week.

 

We made plans for Friday. If he follows through, then good, we'll see what happens. If he doesn't, I don't know if he will be the right one for me.

[SunnyWeather]

no, it's not 'good'. you are expecting far too little, and that is exactly what you are getting. how can you call him your boyfriend? what you have is someone who sees you only when it's convenient for him. it seems to me you are at most, peripheral in his life. is this how you view your role? sounds like you have other expectations and they are at odds with his.

Edited October 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[MidwestUSA]

This is the love bomber guy from your last thread.

 

I'll repeat what I said there. Pull back, WAY back. What Sunny said, 180. At this point, I'd actually just try to forget him.

 

See what he does. I'm sorry, but it happens.

[hippychick3]

^^^This (and Sunny's post) exactly!

 

OP, this is not how a boyfriend acts when he is in love with you. My bf is 3 hours away and we rarely go that long without seeing each other because he wants to see me as much as I want to see him. 45 min. is nothing. You know what happens when one of us is sick? We still want to see each other. Your relationship is totally one-sided. He clearly is giving you lip service and has no desire to see you. I wouldn't bother going to him on Friday. Pull way back and let him come to you. If he doesn't, it's time to move on.

Edited October 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[kendahke]

Wouldn't you try and prioritize seeing your girlfriend beforehand?

 

This is probably his way of demonstrating to you that your relationship means more to you than it does him.

 

People always make time for what is important to them. That is a fact of human nature.

[amkxoxo]

He tells me and has told me many times how he loves me or cares for me way more than I do him. He will say "love you more" and I say how that isn't true and he will tell me in all seriousness how he loves me so much more and I have no idea.

 

I talked to him today. He knows I am not happy about not seeing him in so long. He has said sorry many times. He said to me today how I am so wonderful. I asked why he was saying that. He said because I am flexible and understanding of his work schedule and how crazy it has been for him. Between his studying for his promotional exams and picking up extra shifts, he said that he is so lucky, because I am a great woman.

 

I know, I know, words mean nothing. I am still waiting until Friday to see if he comes through.

 

I also, still feel a bit bitter. I keep trying not to bring it up that I am disappointed in him not being around for weeks. I don't want to come across like I can't let things go and I keep making him feel guilty. That is not the woman I am nor want to be either. His work has been crazy. I just have to learn to deal with it.

[kendahke]

I talked to him today. He knows I am not happy about not seeing him in so long. He has said sorry many times. He said to me today how I am so wonderful. I asked why he was saying that. He said because I am flexible and understanding of his work schedule and how crazy it has been for him. Between his studying for his promotional exams and picking up extra shifts, he said that he is so lucky, because I am a great woman.

 

This is him managing your expectations and giving your line just enough slack to where you won't rip out the hook and swim off... except that hole in your cheek where that hook is is starting to hurt--a lot.

 

You are a great woman---who needs more from a guy than lip service as to how wonderful she is and no deliberate action towards that.

[hippychick3]

He tells me and has told me many times how he loves me or cares for me way more than I do him. He will say "love you more" and I say how that isn't true and he will tell me in all seriousness how he loves me so much more and I have no idea.

 

I talked to him today. He knows I am not happy about not seeing him in so long. He has said sorry many times. He said to me today how I am so wonderful. I asked why he was saying that. He said because I am flexible and understanding of his work schedule and how crazy it has been for him. Between his studying for his promotional exams and picking up extra shifts, he said that he is so lucky, because I am a great woman.

 

I know, I know, words mean nothing. I am still waiting until Friday to see if he comes through.

 

I also, still feel a bit bitter. I keep trying not to bring it up that I am disappointed in him not being around for weeks. I don't want to come across like I can't let things go and I keep making him feel guilty. That is not the woman I am nor want to be either. His work has been crazy. I just have to learn to deal with it.

 

I'm sorry, but this is all meaningless if he doesn't actually want to see you and spend time with you. He should be missing you (that does NOT mean telling you he misses you). When a man misses a woman, he makes a plan to see her and once he does, nothing short of an emergency gets in the way of that. When a man is crazy about a woman, he wants to touch her, hold her, kiss her..... not just text or talk on the phone.

 

You've only been dating for a couple months. That's a long time to not see each other in such a short time span especially when you're not long distance.

 

You really need to pull back and not tell him you're sad about not seeing him. Get busier with your life and let him wonder what you're doing and what you're up to. Then let him show you his "love" for you with actions, not words.

[basil67]

Is it the same guy as this thread?

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/665552-so-happy-my-new-boyfriend-but-doubts-keeps-creeping

 

If so, you're too emotionally invested. It's only been two months! Instead of being insecure about whether or not he may leave you (as you were in the previous thread), you should be thinking about whether or not this guy meets your needs.

 

At this point, you've got a guy who's not a planner when it comes to dating. Who talks the talk but doesn't make it happen. He's got big work commitments -now is this truly temporary or will it turn out that he's a workaholic? And he's talking love after just two months? This is still infatuation - not love.

 

Give him more time if you like, but pull back on the emotional investment for someone who you still barely know.

[introverted1]

Actions > words.

 

Put aside what he says. Watch what he does.

[olivetree]

Agree with introverted.

 

Girl - you've got to stop getting caught up in what men SAY.

Look at what they DO.

 

He is not making time for you.

The busiest of men make time for their woman, even if they have to drop by your doorstep for a kiss and a hug before bed.

 

This relationship has had red flags all over it from the beginning.

 

This is the issue with your insecurity - you think that it's making you make mountains out of molehills and so you walk on eggshells.

The fact is, your insecurity is making you put up with more than you should by always trying to play it cool and easy going and ignoring your gut when it's screaming at you.

 

You've got to think like you're worth something and you can do better than crumbs and meaningless words.

See yourself as the prize, don't settle for less, and they will see you that way too.

Edited October 12, 2018 by olivetree