So happy with my new boyfriend, but doubts keeps creeping in

[amkxoxo]

So I have been through the ringer with men. Always going after the emotionally unavailable. Being left ghosted after a month of dating. Went through an on and off three year thing with a guy who manipulated me and hurt me so deeply, I had to go to therapy. After all that and a lot of soul searching, I decided to change my ways and only focus my energy on guys who wanted what I wanted, something real and serious. I realized that for a change in my life to be made, I needed to change my life and my patterns, which weren't leading me to the right man. I wanted something serious and secure and all I was getting was the opposite.

 

I started praying that god lead me to a good man, someone who deserves me and all my love I have to give. I started praying for guidance, and to lead me on a good path to meet nice men.

 

I cut off communication with what I call emotional moochers, guys who constantly text etc… but it never goes anywhere.

 

Very soon after my prayer nights, I started talking to this man online. I’m 26 and he is 28. He had right on his profile that he was looking for something serious, a girlfriend. We started talking. He asked for my number quickly. We texted all day long everyday. We then started snapchatting pictures. He started calling me on the phone to talk daily. We then planned a date. We hit it off so well. When we met, I remember thinking he was cute and we had a nice time. I couldn’t wait to see him again. We kissed and he was really into me. He wanted me to be his girlfriend right then and there, but I said I wanted to wait a while. He was persistent and kept saying he would win me over in time and that he would do the best he could to prove to me that I was making the right decision being with him. This lead us to more dates and after three weeks, he asked me to be his girlfriend again and I said yes.

 

He said he looks to dating to go long term. He wants to eventually get married. He isn’t dating to screw around. I liked this. He was a bit intense. Pursuing me heavily. Saying he will prove to me he isn’t just jerking me around and he will stick around. Saying he wants to keep me forever and hopes that I believe him and will let him. Sometimes these things would freak me out, but now I have grown to love them. He talks about "if we were married..." and its adorable.

 

 

He kept saying he would get me to fall head over heels for him. Weeks after that, I now have strong feelings. I d see a future with him. He is everything I have ever wanted. My friends are all so happy for me, because after my horrific past with men hurting me, this man is the real deal. The kind of man I always talked about wanting and the kind of man who makes me feel like I am worthy of love.

 

I feel like slowly our relationship is even-ing out and we don’t talk as much, we don’t text as much, but he will try and call me almost every night and sometimes every morning too, when we aren't seeing each other. Last night I was having doubts, and he said "I love you Alex" and my doubts were gone. We try and see each other twice a week in person for dates. This freaked me out at first, thinking he was backing off of communicating during the day and such. But I have now come to realize that nothing is wrong. He tells me I am beautiful and makes me feel beautiful all the time. He tells me how much he likes me and such all the time.

 

But here I am having doubts. Not doubts about my feelings for him, but just overall fear that I am investing and becoming vulnerable with him, and he could take off like every other guy has on me. I am so fearful and I am afraid these feelings will mess things up.

 

I do think he is a stand up guy and someone that does want something serious. He wanted to pin me down quickly so no other guy could because he liked me so much. I mean, that’s a good man. He treats me so well and is a real gentleman with me. He worries about me insanely and is almost always making the drive to see me more than I him.

 

I question if my doubts are even with him or with myself. That maybe I am messing up or that I frankly have no idea what I am doing.

 

I sort of panicked this past weekend thinking something was wrong and showed my insecurity to him, as I thought he was mad at me and wanting to leave me. When in reality, it was a miscommunication between him and I. It was nothing bad at all.

 

I really like this guy and I feel like I am half venting and half asking for advice. How do I handle these feelings?

 

Is this a normal sounding relationship?

 

Been dating for a month and a half at this point. Because of my negative past with men, I just assume they are going to throw me away after I invest and become vulnerable.

 

I feel like this guy is amazing and he treats me so well, but when I don't hear from him or he doesn't make plans to see me right after time together, I get insecure and seek reassurance. I also fear he is using me for my sweet and caring nature. I feel like we have plateaued. The chase part is over, we are together and we gush to each other how much we like each other. The mystery is gone. My girl friend tell me this is completely normal and that they all had this with their boyfriends.

 

He has talked about all these things he wants to do with me, like go to a sports game, visit this historic place, etc... But we have not made any plans so far to do those things. I brought it up, but nothing pans out. He tells me he is thinking about it. Again, my girl friends tell me this is normal. That guys are not long term planners like us women are. I get that. Maybe they are right. My girl friends say that since we are committed we have plenty of time to do those things, and don't worry so much.

 

We have not had sexx yet. We fool around and do some stuff, but not intercourse. We are waiting. He says he will wait until I am comfortable and he thought it was nice to wait a bit so that we were together a bit longer before we did it. He says he really wants to, but doesn't care when. I am feeling insecure of that too. That maybe if I make him wait too long, he will grow frustrated and leave me.

 

He's my boyfriend. I love him, but I am starting to invest my time, energy, love, and money into him and I am afraid.

 

He bought this gift for his mother. Something that he was going to make her. As a manly man, he isn't all that crafty. He asked me if I could help him. I said okay. He then pretty much gave me it to do. I said I would to help him, but a little part of me felt a bit shoved into a corner, him handing me this thing and I have to do it. I don't mind as his girlfriend, but I am newly his girlfriend. The gift is for his mother, whom I don't know. And its coming from him, so shouldn't he do it or at least help?

 

Of course I did it because it makes him happy. He told me that it was no big deal if I didn't do it, only if I had time and he didn't care if I gave it back to him like he gave it to me. But the good person I am couldn't do that.

 

I jokingly told him he owes me. But then laughed and said I was kidding and I did it to make him and his mother happy. He said he does owe me. And he has thanked me so much for it. He said he got all the stuff but had no idea what he was doing and knew I would know how to make it good.

 

I spent a couple hours doing it and spent some money getting more supplies, of which I would never tell him.

 

I love him. He's a great man. I worry that my doubts are that of my own past. He is a different man. He's committed to me. He tells me he loves me. Maybe I am just paranoid.

 

I guess I just feel like at the beginning, when he was chasing me, it was all fun and constant communication and the build up of passion. I feel like that is all ended, and its making me feel boring and inadequate. Maybe I am not exciting enough for him? Maybe I don't stimulate him.

 

Again, these could very well be my own fears, and not reality. I mean just yesterday he was taking screenshots of snapchats I sent him of me, to add to an album of pictures he has just of me. Sounds pretty dedicated to me. He says he loves to just look at them sometimes to see me when we aren't together.

Edited September 27, 2018 by amkxoxo

[Dis]

Wow, is this the definition of love bombing or what?

 

OP, it's not normal for a guy to profess his love to you, tell you he's never ever going to leave you and tells you he wants to marry you before 1.5 months

 

I get that it's kind of nice to have someone gush over you but the outcome of that behavior really, really hurts

 

What usually happens with people who come on so strong (like this guy) is they take off, out of the blue when the novelty wears off

 

He gets a thrill from the new relationship, it isn't you he finds special, it's having someone, anyone. How could he say all of those things to you, like he wants to marry you 1.5 months in and mean it? He doesn't know you enough to mean that.

 

He's just telling you what you want to hear and you're eating it up thinking he's different from the men you've previously dated. I'm sorry OP, but he's not. He's a love bomber. I dated one once and the ending was tremendously hurtful. It was like the rug was pulled out from underneath me. The whole pretty picture he painted with us running off into the sunset was a lie. Now, I can't be sure this will happen with your guy but all signs point to love bombing so far

 

So he's having you make his mom's gift? His mom that you've never met before?That's kind of an exercise of control to see how far he can push you. Not atypical with lover bombers.

 

Also, it doesn't matter how long you wait for sex. I waited a month with the guy who love bombed me and a week or so after, he switched off like a light bulb and that was that.

 

If you want to proceed with him, that's your right. But when it's over and the hurt has subsided, you'll be glad it's over. This guy isn't right in the head. He's using you for a warm body, for someone to pretend with. And when the pretending is over, he'll be gone.

[MidwestUSA]

^^^Everything Dis said above.

 

As love bombs go, this one is atomic. That's why you're getting niggly feelings about it.

 

Try making yourself unavailable for a few days/a week. See if he self destructs. Take a breath and do something for yourself when he doesn't contact you - take advantage of the break. Don't express insecurity; that's just giving him more power over you. He knows that he's got you where he wants you.

 

You should have told him you spent extra money on the project for his mother. He tested you, and you passed, in spectacular fashion. I get that it's hard to say no, as you should have. You want to please him. If there's a next time, tell him you'll help him- that you'll do a project together, side by side. See how well you work together.

 

I can't predict if he'll cheat on you - that's your insecurities from prior relationships haunting you. I can tell you that, if you two split, he'll implode but be on to bombing someone else within a week.

 

Good luck, keep us posted.

[amkxoxo]

So I suppose I should have given more details.

 

I do, did feel a bit love bombed. I do now though feel like things are evening out and we aren't so googly eyes at each other.

 

He was cheated on in his last relationship. He said it was horrible and the girl was doing it right under his nose. He hasn't said, but I think he has some trust/past issue related to that and that is why he does and says some of the things he does. I think that is why he tried to immediately keep me so close at first, like under lock and key, because he was afraid I was off talking/seeing other guys. I understand it, especially after his past. I mean, he would talk to me almost all day long except for when we were sleeping, constantly, always asking what I was up to and talking to me. It wasn't in a controlling, what are you doing way. I think he was curious and also trying to see what I was doing and if I could be seeing other men.

 

I saw this first hand when recently I went away for a weekend to see my family.

 

I told him I might be a bit out of touch, as not per our usual active chatting. He seemed to get a bit defensive about this. Not in a bad way, but asked me a lot of questions as to why. I will say, I think I did sort of make it sound a bit suspicious.

 

I told him that one, my family's house has terrible reception. And its true. I lose phone calls and texts there all the time. They come in way later, or not at all. Second, I told him I had a lot of things planned with people back home, so would be a bit busy. He seemed to be fine, but I could tell he wasn't 100%

 

I got home later on a Friday and I was very off and on texting him. We had guests over, and I was preoccupied.

 

He seemed to get really suspicious and upset, because he told me he felt like I was ignoring him. I forgot to tell him I got him safe and then when I realized I hadn't really answered him in hours, I tried to make up for it.

 

I called him and explained the situation, that people were over and I got sidetracked. At one point I took a power nap, because I was exhausted. He then seemed to understand and said he was sorry and he was not perceiving things right.

 

Throughout the weekend I tried to keep him in the loop. But I could tell it made him feel a bit uneasy that I was away. I think it was from his cheating past. This made me feel bad for him. I would probably be the same way if I was cheated on too.

 

I did tell him we should do the project together, many times. I wanted his input, but he simply ended up handing it off to me to keep, when he was leaving my house last time he was over.

 

I wasn't mad about it. Just thought it was weird.

 

Now this weekend he is going home to see his family and I away to see mine. It'll be interesting to see how the communication goes. I don't expect to hear from him a lot, though he says he will be calling me when he can. I am taking my time away to be with my family and I expect him to be busy with his. I miss him, but I am looking at it as a positive break for us to be excited to see each other next week.

 

Even yesterday, we had dinner plans, and he had to cancel, as his job kept him late. He called me to check in to see if I was mad. I definitely was not, and thought it was nice for him to check in. He said he really wanting to see me and give me a big hug before he left, but his work made him stay really late at night. I understood and it was no big deal. He did tell me his last relationship was a year ago.

Edited September 28, 2018 by amkxoxo

[Fair]

You've also told him you love him after only 1.5 months. Yeah, feelings can run rampant and people end up saying things like this but whether it's meant to be only time can tell.

 

I don't know if he's deliberately 'love bombing' or what... it's difficult to say, but I think we've all fallen for this notion that every man we meet is either a good man or a predator instead of just being clumsy at relationships and letting their feelings take the lead instead of using common sense.

 

I mean, you yourself are not playing games with him... you genuinely think you love him. Perhaps he genuinely thinks he means it too.

 

 

Now the relationship is becoming less intense and you feel insecure... I think it's normal to feel a bit insecure at the beginning of any relationship when you haven't dated long enough to know which way it's going to swing. But only time will tell.

[olivetree]

I can see why you have doubts.

He came on too strong at the start and now things are fading a bit.

And it seems him coming on strong came from insecurity rather than a genuine "love" for you.

 

I think that at 1.5 months, things should have gone slower beforehand and then be ramping up now, as you've gotten to know each other, and get more crazy about each other.

 

The biggest concern is that he has trust issues and you're making excuses for him.

I think the love bombing plus questioning your honesty speaks to poor boundaries... red flags