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how important is the "spark"?

Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 8th February 2018, 1:47 PM   #16
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I always needed the spark & I preferred confident, almost c0cky, self assured men. I also liked men most women considered players. They give good date. The key is you can't give a player your heart because it will get broken.

The few times I tried to go on a date with a guy w/o the spark, it ended awkwardly.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:50 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
I always needed the spark & I preferred confident, almost c0cky, self assured men. I also liked men most women considered players. They give good date. The key is you can't give a player your heart because it will get broken.

The few times I tried to go on a date with a guy w/o the spark, it ended awkwardly.
the "spark" is very important for me too. for me it's made up mostly of physical attraction and intelligence
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:56 PM   #18
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Hi fieldoflavender,

I'm sorry you're not feeling it with this new guy and to answer your question that "spark" is everything.

So many women have bought into a ridiculous notion that they have to settle, at some point, because all the good guys are taken.

And, while I agree as we get older, the population of good single people does go down, you are looking for ONE good man in a sea of millions. So why should you ever settle?!

When I met my love goddess, she was living in NJ and I was in Florida. Over time we grew closer and she eventually moved in with me.

She was 46 when I met her. Single, never married, perfect (to me at least) in every way.

Let me repeat that. She was 46 when we met. I myself just turned 50.

So if you're not feeling it, then you should NEVER settle.

If you feel it, even if he had some behaviors you don't like(we all do), you will be more apt to accept them and love him anyway.

In my case, my love goddess is very neat and clean. I'm less so. She loves me and is willing to accept my less clean than her behavior (I know this because we've talked about it and laughed about it.)

So, to again answer your question. NEVER settle, decide what is important to you in a man and if there is no spark then move on.

Sending you much love and light
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:32 PM   #19
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So statistics alone, "Great" is a definition that is defined by what you want in a partner. I know I will get burned by this, but I have a financial income requirement that pretty much cuts out the vast majority of the population, and over half of those people are married or taken and half are women, so what I am left over is not a lot of people. So that's what I mean by picky.

I am willing to "Settle" in terms of income - but they better make it up in other ways, I.e. I fall madly in love with them for other reasons. Everyone has different things that are important to them, I don't really want a partner that makes like 20% of my salary. It COULD work, but there will be so many barriers.

So if I want a certain income, education level, I will have to "Settle" on other things like looks, age, etc. Because if I want a single 30 year old successful dude - well hello, he probably has 10 million girls going after him and may not want to be with me. I'm just being realistic. It's not about being pessimistic and this is my experience after going on like over 50 first dates with guys in this income bracket.

Yeah egg freezing blah, I could, but ideally I wish I could just meet someone.

Anyways, I should just give this guy another chance. We have another date this weekend. I will try to approach it with an open mind. I had fallen for another guy who was more "confident" should I say - but anyways I'm getting over him after he was flaky and didn't know what he wanted or yanked my chain. I think I don't multi-date well.
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Old 9th February 2018, 8:10 AM   #20
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Honestly, I think at least one more date is worth a try. Sometimes that spark doesn't ignite immediately, but if after three, there's really nothing there, cut the cord. It's not necessarily leading him on. You're genuinely interested in knowing him more. It's why dating was invented. Sometimes it doesn't work. That's reality.

Obviously you don't want to settle. If you genuinely have a love, then you can work around certain obstacles, like the exceptionally clean vs. the slightly sloppy example...he works on being tidier, she works on relaxing a bit more. If he is slovenly, there's a huge disparity. You don't want a lot of conflict. The thing is, if a relationship is lacking in mutual love and attraction, even smaller issues that pop up (not putting the TP roll in the right direction) become major, major issues...drama at every turn. So don't settle, but do give different people a chance that don't necessarily align with your check-box list of "the perfect man." I think two to three dates is a good place to start. If you're genuinely not "feeling it" on date one or two, drop the rope. Otherwise, try one more, maybe two...if you have good rapport and hopefully some chemistry. You can't force it, but if you're kind of on the fence, it's okay to explore. Don't drag it out, though. This guy has feelings.
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Old 9th February 2018, 8:13 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by joseb View Post
Personally, if I don't feel it after 3 or 4 minutes, I know I'm not going to.
Me too.

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Old 9th February 2018, 12:27 PM   #22
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hi there f/o/l. ive only got a small bit of time and I haven't read much of the posts about this, but my feeling is go for this one date and give him a chance, you will know after the next day when you've had time to think it over and go over every little detail of how he held his fork with the left hand and his smile was more of a lopsided smirk that looked a bit goofy at times but it kind of had something blah blah and if there is enough about the night that you liked then meet again and tell him honestly that he is not the usual type you go for but you'd like to see him again to see if things progress any further.

if he's not up for that then you will know where you stand without the business of feeling regret and what if thing, but if he's not for you you've done a decent thing and given someone a chance kindly and if you go on a second date and it is ok but not enough, then you go out and meet someone who has that spark and pray he doesn't break your heart all over again. its not the end of the world to give a nice guy 1 or 2 days of your life is it? you never know, sparks can catch in the strangest until then, maybe get some matches and your best gear on and let us know if the field of lavender actually came up as a bunch of roses!

GOOD LUCK WITH THIS, my time's nearly done. maxiXX
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Old 9th February 2018, 12:35 PM   #23
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PPS...gforget the financial angle of your wants for a many a man or lady knows that has met in opposing circumstances, or had it all and then been fleeced by the cant buy love!!!!!

looking into someone's eyes that turns your happiness beyond what happiness can feel like and sharing that is beyond what money can do.

what happens if you have money and lose it??? would you want a guy to treat you as the lovely f/o/l that you are or would you be crushed a little if people saw you in a different light because you suddenly didn't have the material things that you've been accustomed to.

so many romantic things have little cost. and besides, if you have a lot of money; do you think you will be able to keep it with a bad boy...and worse, if you had a bad boy with oceans of money, id bet you'd probably feel a hell o f a lot more insecure knowing he could shhmmoozzzeee with endless other women, buy his way in to the beds of others, and fear the door knocking at night if he's caught up in dodgy money or criminal activity !!!! go stamp collecting with this man and enjoy it for what it is....safer! lol. maxi
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Old 10th February 2018, 9:19 PM   #24
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I found this on Wikipedia on what the ‘spark’ or ‘chemistry’ feels like

There are various psychological, physical and emotional symptoms of having good chemistry with another person. It has been described as a "combination of basic psychological arousal combined with a feeling of pleasure". The nervous system gets aroused, causing one to get adrenaline in the form of "rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, and sensations of excitement that are often similar to sensations associated with danger". Other physical symptoms include "blood pressure go[ing] up a little, the skin...flush[ing], the face and ears...turn[ing] red and...[a] feeling of weakness in the knees". One can feel a sense of obsession over the other person, longing for "the day [when they return] to that person". One can also uncontrollably smile whenever thinking about the other person.[3]
Sounds to me like excitement/nervousness caused by strong attraction. Why are they making normal physical phenomenon sound mystical?

To answer the q. No, I do not think anyone should date someone they don’t feel strong attraction to in hopes it gets stronger if they can date someone it starts that way with so they’re certain they have it

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 10th February 2018 at 11:33 PM..
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Old 11th February 2018, 4:26 AM   #25
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Thanks guys sooo yeah it was pretty bad - yeah I think deep inside I know if I will ever physically be attracted to them and if the answer is a big no - then i should stop and stop trying to convince myself otherwise. Blah. I don’t need material things - I just find it very attractive when someone can do that well in life that they can earn a very comfortable living - it’s sexy.

But yeah i guess you can feel the spark in a few seconds it’s true. Compatibility takes longer but spark takes less time.
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Old 11th February 2018, 6:00 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
There is no age to have standards.

There are good men of all ages that are single and looking.

A first meeting is just that 'a first meeting'. If the man presents well enough you think giving him a 2nd or 3rd date then do it.

When I met my bf the very first time in my mind I was not gonna see him again. He was very tall and thin and that wasn't my type. I went home thinking I'll text him thank you but I didn't feel chemistry. Turned out he invited me for a 2nd date before I had gathred the courage to reject him. I decided to accept his 2nd date I had nothing to lose and nothing else to do. To my surprise I saw him with different eyes on that 2nd date. I saw a confident man full of courtesy, very respectful, well traveled with stories to tell. I accepted a 3rd date from him and the rest is history, by date 4 I knew I wanted to date him exclusively and we've been dating 2 years now. I am 52 years old and he is the best relationship I ever had and I am totally crazy about him. I scare myself when I think I was ready to drop him only because I felt he was too tall and thin.
Wow it's been two years geata congratulations! I think I'm in the same boat as O.P. I'm actually really grateful I dated my ex for almost a year. Mostly because I was single before hand for over a decade and I felt I needed the experience. It allowed me to brush up on relationship skills that I hadn't had previously. I was rusty to say the least. Some view it a waste of time and I believe it was absolutely needed so I can relate to my new boyfriend who I met surprisingly five months later after my break up more. My previous relationship gave me the confidence I needed to pursue my new relationship. And I feel I can relate to my new boyfriend who came out of a three year relationship. Previously, I wouldn't give a guy like him a chance because for fear a long term single like I was couldn't relate to a guy who just came out of a long term relationship. Which is true, I wouldn't have been able to.

My previous relationship also gave me more wisdom and like OP I agree, sometimes passion in a relationship comes and goes but comparability and company and running a household together is more important than chemistry.
I'm not overly attracted to the guy I'm with but man! He is the nicest guy I've ever been with! He treats me soo well and he is so kind and like an actual gentleman. I haven't experienced this before which is why I'm sticking with him. Guys who are so courteous, chilverous and considerate are rare in my experience. They're like a unicorn and I'm enjoying the difference. It's refreshingly different in fact.
I think women and men can grow to like someone and love someone. In some cultures, arranged marriages are quite common and they end up working out well.

I think it's important to write a list about what is most important when looking for a future spouse. The top of my list was respect and connection. Chemistry can grow.
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Old 11th February 2018, 9:24 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by fieldoflavender View Post
The issue is that guys who are physically attractive to me, for some reason, they all end up being flaky and players. I know I am in my 30's - I can't keep falling for alpha males, but it's so hard sigh.
As someone who can identify all too well with your ex-fiancé, I would say that if there is one thing a woman should NOT settle on, it’s sexual attraction. It’s very different than settling on the personality, income, education, etc. fronts. For women, no-strings sex options are so easy to find that eventually the temptation to cheat or leave the husband for a more rugged “alpha” guy that comes along will become to hard to resist.
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Old 12th February 2018, 7:18 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by fieldoflavender View Post
So inspired by another thread, I went on one date with this dude who seems okay overall on paper. He's not my type physically, but I mean I could grow to like him based on personality etc. I am also at the age where I can not like be super picky about EVERY single aspect. The +++ criteria guys are all taken. So I can't have good looks, great job, decent person, and knows what they want all in one. Something's gotta give.

I guess I am still affected by my previous relationship. I am scared of running into the same problems. I kind of settled - I knew deep down, I never loved the guy but I didn't want to admit it because he was a "good catch" in other ways. But we were incompatible and has a nasty break up post engagement.

It's been one date - I don't know this guy well enough. But should I give him one more chance? Or two more chances? I think his personality is okay - I could grow to like him more, but physically I don't know. I have grown to be more physically attracted to people based on personality but I am thinking if I don't feel it after 3-4 dates, I should really not try because I would be rewriting history again.

The issue is that guys who are physically attractive to me, for some reason, they all end up being flaky and players. I know I am in my 30's - I can't keep falling for alpha males, but it's so hard sigh.
The solution is simple. You have to find a Beta who knows how to behave like an Alpha. Otherwise, you'll never be satisfied with the relationship and are likely to still chase Alphas. The spark is essential. You may have to find one and train him.
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