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Dating someone new; not feeling that spark


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Old 7th February 2018, 3:47 AM   #1
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Question Dating someone new; not feeling that spark

I dunno, she seems perfect on paper. Like, genuinely wonderful and beautiful and wow. But no spark. I canít tell if Iím emotionally unavailable or if thereís something off that I canít put into words. Few of my thoughts:

1. I spent the better part of a year getting over an ex. Only dating now because I thought I was ready. But Iím still comparing stuff to her, so Iím not sure if I am, the closer I get to this new person

2. Just as I spent that year getting over her, I effectively spent it molding myself into someone that ďwouldnít have been dumpedĒ. It was my main motivation. And now I have someone amazing in my lap and I donít know what to do with myself

3. I donít know why I ever feel that spark. It has been rare to the point where holding out for it would be impractical. By all accounts, I am a much more comfortable fit with this new girl. Considering how my last relationship went, it could very well be that I am intrigued by a subtle aloofness or instability or emotional unavailability. Keeps me on my toes, but that might not be it at all

4. The spark has always faded. Even in perfect situations, I eventually wind up at point #2, with everything I thought I wanted and no idea where to go

I want to be honest with this girl, but I donít want to hurt her or poison something unnecessarily. I could very well just be thinking too hard about this
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Old 7th February 2018, 4:14 AM   #2
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I dunno, she seems perfect on paper. Like, genuinely wonderful and beautiful and wow. But no spark. I canít tell if Iím emotionally unavailable or if thereís something off that I canít put into words. Few of my thoughts:

1. I spent the better part of a year getting over an ex. Only dating now because I thought I was ready. But Iím still comparing stuff to her, so Iím not sure if I am, the closer I get to this new person

2. Just as I spent that year getting over her, I effectively spent it molding myself into someone that ďwouldnít have been dumpedĒ. It was my main motivation. And now I have someone amazing in my lap and I donít know what to do with myself

3. I donít know why I ever feel that spark. It has been rare to the point where holding out for it would be impractical. By all accounts, I am a much more comfortable fit with this new girl. Considering how my last relationship went, it could very well be that I am intrigued by a subtle aloofness or instability or emotional unavailability. Keeps me on my toes, but that might not be it at all

4. The spark has always faded. Even in perfect situations, I eventually wind up at point #2, with everything I thought I wanted and no idea where to go

I want to be honest with this girl, but I donít want to hurt her or poison something unnecessarily. I could very well just be thinking too hard about this
Try to concentrate on what is there and not dwell on what you perceive is missing. When you step back with perspective sometime you can see that things are exactly the way they should be.

I wouldn't let her go unless you do not enjoy spending time with her.
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Old 7th February 2018, 4:45 AM   #3
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The spark...

I think it happens when there's some sexual tension between two individuals. Some describe it as butterflies in your stomach, or a certain level of excitement mixed with a bit of nervousness. There's a release of hormones, adrenaline and cortisol. You like the person in front of you, or next to you, but it's not just lust. And often, the environment ceases to exist, or starts being mere background.
You often lock eyes with her/him.
It's pure chemistry when the other person is feeling the same way at the same time.

This doesn't occur just because you go out on a date with someone. That'd be too easy. There's no definite set of rules for this to happen. It depends on the people involved, their personality, their tastes.

As a rule of thumb, if the woman you're asking out is not making you feel that way the moment you ask her out, chances are it won't happen during the date either. She might be nice, look pretty.. whatever, but do you find her intriguing? Do you see yourself being intimate with her and looking forward to it?

Some people go out on dates to get to know the other person and to see if any sparks will fly. That might make sense if you have never met her/him in person and you want to give it a chance.
But when you don't feel that kind of attraction explained above in the first place while asking her out, waiting for feelings to develop over time is like shooting in the dark. Some people claim it happens, but it's more about the attachment built over time (like between two friends), rather than real passion.

I wouldn't blame it on your last relationship. Unless you were depressed. That would make you apathetic in general. In any other case, your body can tell you what it feels like.
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Old 7th February 2018, 4:54 AM   #4
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I say nope out. Settling isn't fair to either. Looks good on paper, but we're looking for pragmatism here. Something's not doing it for you and it is bad enough you need to ask about it here.

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 7th February 2018 at 5:01 AM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 6:13 AM   #5
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I think it means she's just not the right girl for you. With "the right one," you probably wouldn't have to question things.
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Old 7th February 2018, 8:08 AM   #6
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Just think before you dump her.

Many a man cries how ďhe didnít know what he had until he lost herĒ.

Nice and beautiful women arenít exactly falling out of the sky.
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Old 7th February 2018, 8:19 AM   #7
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Oh nice. We’ve got a guy here who’s saying he does feel the “spark”. I asked about this in my last thread. OP, do you feel bored with her? Do you find her boring? You never mentioned anything about her not being physically attractive. I think you should take some time to really think about what made you feel that spark in the past and then think about whether that is healthy and/or attainable.
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:07 AM   #8
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Nice and beautiful women arenít exactly falling out of the sky.
On the rare occasions when they do I am always taken.
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:13 AM   #9
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I dunno, she seems perfect on paper. Like, genuinely wonderful and beautiful and wow. But no spark. I canít tell if Iím emotionally unavailable or if thereís something off that I canít put into words. Few of my thoughts:

1. I spent the better part of a year getting over an ex. Only dating now because I thought I was ready. But Iím still comparing stuff to her,
You're not emotionally done processing your last relationship if this is still going on. When you're over her, you feel indifference--you don't still have your yardstick out measuring all against your ex.
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:32 AM   #10
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OP, let me tell you a story from my life....

I remember the guy I was dating over a year ago, who wouldn't want a relationship with me because he felt he was missing some spark....

Actually, I admit I did not feel it either.

We had a really, really strong connection and great chemistry, the sex was good too! But there was SOMETHING missing.

That just means it wasn't meant to be. We both could not really pinpoint.

I have to admit, I think it was the fact he is severely depressed, and too preoccupied with being hung up on his first love from 12 years ago, some first love that made him feel butterflies that he never felt again, not even with his last girlfriend of 4 years. But he stayed with her because there was some stability, and it was an ok connection. When we met, he felt more chemistry with me than with his ex, but it STILL did not live up 100% to the first love he had. To be honest, deep inside I think it had to do with himself. He just is not happy with his own life. He can't even love himself. How will he ever love someone else? Even that first love, was probably just an elusive memory that he distorted in his mind, to fit his own narrative. After all, he told me how destructive the relationship was....

Either way, we went NC for a while after the 'break up'.
Now a year later, I am in a happy relationship and this guy and me are friends again. He reached out after a while, told me that he was really happy for me that I found my match, but he also said that he feels like a complete fool for letting me go, just because of his own stupid issues..... Now he is back to dating, I am sort of his dating guru, and he's only been on terrible dates lately.... I think he's really kicking himself in the butt now.

Long story short...
OP, you may be too hung up on the past, and maybe a bit too unhappy with something in your own life.
You should not overthink, take things slow and see where they go.
But also do some self-reflection, leave the past in the past, and don't think about any possible futures, just live in the now!

That's the solution for now. See how that works for you!
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:41 AM   #11
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Oh nice. Weíve got a guy here whoís saying he does feel the ďsparkĒ. I asked about this in my last thread. OP, do you feel bored with her? Do you find her boring?
Not really? But there isn't that uncertainty or fear there that I get deep down in my gut when I feel like I can live and breathe a new partner.

We've only been dating a couple of weeks. I'd say that it started pretty normal. I didn't feel this intense compulsion to see her again as soon as possible (my longest relationships have always excitedly planned for date two on date one), but I definitely felt a strong attraction and that there was a lot of promise there, told my friends I had gone on an awesome date, etc. Date three was when the excitement picked up pretty readily. You know, couldn't wait to kiss her sort of thing. I left feeling "ahh, okay, this is wonderful."

And that has dwindled as the chase has faded and it's settled into "okay, we're dating now".

Without divulging too many personal details, I think what might feel off is that I've taken kind of a caretaker like role in dating her. Holding her hand sort of thing, because she'd been off the market for a while due to some personal issues. It presents a weird little power dynamic where instead of worrying about impressing her, it's like I'm helping her navigate her thoughts and experiences.

But she's also someone whom I've felt comfortable sharing things with. There is a lot there that seems like it would lend itself to a healthy relationship. And not just the "boring" things. The physical intimacy, for instance, is a lot stronger here than it was with my ex.

Are you supposed to know so soon? How do I know I'm not just depressed right now, for instance?
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:47 AM   #12
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Just think before you dump her.

Many a man cries how “he didn’t know what he had until he lost her”.

Nice and beautiful women aren’t exactly falling out of the sky.
That would be a man that initially was crazy about her, but thought about "what else is out there" syndrome. Settling is terrible. it causes all kinds of issues and painful decisions down the road.
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Old 7th February 2018, 12:05 PM   #13
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Not really? But there isn't that uncertainty or fear there that I get deep down in my gut when I feel like I can live and breathe a new partner.

We've only been dating a couple of weeks. I'd say that it started pretty normal. I didn't feel this intense compulsion to see her again as soon as possible (my longest relationships have always excitedly planned for date two on date one), but I definitely felt a strong attraction and that there was a lot of promise there, told my friends I had gone on an awesome date, etc. Date three was when the excitement picked up pretty readily. You know, couldn't wait to kiss her sort of thing. I left feeling "ahh, okay, this is wonderful."

And that has dwindled as the chase has faded and it's settled into "okay, we're dating now".

Without divulging too many personal details, I think what might feel off is that I've taken kind of a caretaker like role in dating her. Holding her hand sort of thing, because she'd been off the market for a while due to some personal issues. It presents a weird little power dynamic where instead of worrying about impressing her, it's like I'm helping her navigate her thoughts and experiences.

But she's also someone whom I've felt comfortable sharing things with. There is a lot there that seems like it would lend itself to a healthy relationship. And not just the "boring" things. The physical intimacy, for instance, is a lot stronger here than it was with my ex.

Are you supposed to know so soon? How do I know I'm not just depressed right now, for instance?
So in the span of a couple of weeks, you're already exclusive, talking about her problems and being physically intimate?

Sounds like it could be too much too soon and now it's fizzling out.

Plus you're not over your ex so your heart isn't really free, and it's imperative you go slow.

Last edited by olivetree; 7th February 2018 at 12:08 PM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 12:28 PM   #14
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Are you supposed to know so soon? How do I know I'm not just depressed right now, for instance?

Usually the 'gut feeling'/intuition is not coming out of vacuum - based on your prior knowledge, there is something that is 'off', you just need to figure out what it is.

I had similar situation with my last long term bf. I had chemistry with him, he was ok on paper, and yet there was always something ticking off, I thought it is just that my previous relationship was terrible and I'm still recovering... So I gave him a chance for about 2 *years*. It never got better. We just had different demeanor, energy levels, overall outlook. Basically the only 'connection' was we both were ready to settle down asap, and we had good sex life. I felt so miserable I got physically sick. We ended up breaking up because he tried cheating on me (obviously he wasn't satisfied with our 'settling' relationship as well, despite his blurbs that we must get engaged asap, which was likely his was to rebel the lack of real connection- 'hey, let's just get practical').

I'd strongly advice you NOT to repeat my mistakes and let this woman go. She'll thank you later.
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Old 7th February 2018, 12:30 PM   #15
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How do I know I'm not just depressed right now, for instance?
A trip to the doctor can clear that up.

There are signs for clinical depression. Having the sads isn't depression... it's being sad.
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