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Am i overthinking again?


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Old 3rd February 2018, 5:46 PM   #31
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Everyone looks what's on the menu....just as long they don't place an order.
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Old 4th February 2018, 10:20 AM   #32
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No you should not be concerned. Social media is not real.

However it does depend on what the post said. If the other women posted "come on over & have sex with me, [your BF]" yes that is cause for concern.

If she posted a status update about herself, it scrolled through his feed & he clicked like, that is meaningless.
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Old 4th February 2018, 10:22 AM   #33
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Am i overthinking again?

So me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 5 months now. So far things have gone pretty well.

Before me, he dated this one girl and she ended up cheating on him so they broke up and a few months later she got pregnant by some other guy.
I have always been worried that i was just a rebound for him. But when we started talking he said they had broken up almost a year ago.

I got over my fear because he literally begged me to date him and because i was so skeptical i tried to end things more than once and every time he has broken down into tears saying he doesnít want to lose me and that heís scared to lose me. Why would you cry that much over someone you donít actually care about right?

But his ex just had her baby and i noticed he unfriended her on FB right before. Since sheís had her baby i have felt that heís been acting strange. He still sends me sweet messages and tells me he loves me but something about him just seems off here recently. I donít want to beat a dead horse because when i ask if heís okay he says yes but itís worrying me.

Also he talks a lot about the future. Iím not sure if this is a red flag considering weíve only been together 5 months. So Iím not sure if heís just telling me what he thinks i want to hear or if he really means it?

All i know is this is giving me a ton of anxiety. Does he still have feelings for his ex? Am i just a rebound? Is he honestly wanting to spend his life with me?
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Old 4th February 2018, 10:31 AM   #34
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Rebecca, do you have any ability to talk with a counsellor? You have a lot of questions about your relationship, which makes me think that you don't have a strong sense of what is "healthy" in a relationship. You also have some pretty significant issues with trust. Counselling would help with this, and also the anxiety that you are feeling...

As to your question, we can't really say for certain whether he still has feelings for his ex. It would be reasonable to expect that he has some issues to deal with from that relationship. It does also sound like he has thrown himself into another relationship with you...

Is it normal for a man to be talking about the future after five months, sure. That's a good length of time to be dating, it's probably fairly reasonable to start thinking about a possible future together.

But, if it doesn't feel right to you and this relationship is causing you anxiety... You slow it down and/or let him go. Don't do anything you don't want to do, if you are not feeling comfortable.

And please, try to find a counsellor...
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Old 4th February 2018, 10:41 AM   #35
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You are young & inexperienced. You haven't had a good run of trustworthy BFs & you are still finding your path.

Part of your confusion comes from that fact that I don't see you having a good sense of self. Forget him for a second. What do you want? What does a proper BF look like for you? How does he behave? How does he treat you?

Now, are you getting that from your guy? If not, revisit your list. If there are pie in the sky unrealistic things on there, put them aside. Life isn't a fairy tale . . . you're not going to get flowers every day, or love poems . . . but is he honest? Does he make you laugh? Does he show you how he cares? Does he listen? Do you trust him? Do you like him as a person (his values, the way he thinks etc.)? Do you find him attractive? If you that those, you have something. If the fundamentals are missing, take a more objective look at the relationship.

Now, as for this baby . . . The reality that somebody he cared about not only cheated on him but has produced a life as a result of that liaison is shocking & disconcerting to him. At 21 he's not ready to be a dad & he knows it but he watched somebody he knew & loved make this life altering change to her life & he's taking some stock of what's important to him.

You two have not been intimate according to your other posts. For him really knowing that sex can cause pregnancy may be part of the reason he's been patient with you.

I doubt after all this time he wants the cheater back or that he wants to raise her child as his but that baby's existence is giving him a lot to think about. As utterly ridiculous as social media is, the fact that he only unfriended her after the baby is pretty messed up. I don't understand why he didn't severe ties when they broke up.

Do something to take both your minds off the baby. Focus on how you two can deepen your connections to each other.
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Old 4th February 2018, 11:14 AM   #36
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
You are young & inexperienced. You haven't had a good run of trustworthy BFs & you are still finding your path.

Part of your confusion comes from that fact that I don't see you having a good sense of self. Forget him for a second. What do you want? What does a proper BF look like for you? How does he behave? How does he treat you?

Now, are you getting that from your guy? If not, revisit your list. If there are pie in the sky unrealistic things on there, put them aside. Life isn't a fairy tale . . . you're not going to get flowers every day, or love poems . . . but is he honest? Does he make you laugh? Does he show you how he cares? Does he listen? Do you trust him? Do you like him as a person (his values, the way he thinks etc.)? Do you find him attractive? If you that those, you have something. If the fundamentals are missing, take a more objective look at the relationship.

Now, as for this baby . . . The reality that somebody he cared about not only cheated on him but has produced a life as a result of that liaison is shocking & disconcerting to him. At 21 he's not ready to be a dad & he knows it but he watched somebody he knew & loved make this life altering change to her life & he's taking some stock of what's important to him.

You two have not been intimate according to your other posts. For him really knowing that sex can cause pregnancy may be part of the reason he's been patient with you.

I doubt after all this time he wants the cheater back or that he wants to raise her child as his but that baby's existence is giving him a lot to think about. As utterly ridiculous as social media is, the fact that he only unfriended her after the baby is pretty messed up. I don't understand why he didn't severe ties when they broke up.

Do something to take both your minds off the baby. Focus on how you two can deepen your connections to each other.
This really helped. To answer all of those questions, yes he does listen to me, he shows me that he cares, heís an amazing person, he doesnít push anything on me, and heís never done anything to make me not be able to trust him. And i know he does all of these things but i canít help but still be worried every time something changes. Iím not very experienced in serious relationships so when things started getting comfortable and he started trying less to get me, i completely panicked and thought he was losing interest. Now, knowing about this ex is also causing me to be a little insecure in our relationship. Now Iím afraid i was a rebound or Iím afraid Iím not as good of a girlfriend as she was. I know all of these are naive in an adult relationship but it is still hard to not overthink.
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Old 4th February 2018, 11:20 AM   #37
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Because you can't stop overthinking on your own, consider BaileyB's suggestion that you get a counselor. If that is not to your liking, at least start reading books about developing more self confidence & self esteem.

At 20 I thought I was the cat's meow & if some guy didn't like me, well, <bleep> him, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

I think you have a good guy on your hands but I also know you will wreck it & every other relationship you ever have if you don't get a handle on your own insecurities. Until you are a confident healthy person, you can't be a good partner to anybody else.
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Old 4th February 2018, 11:24 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by rebeccamuller View Post
This really helped. To answer all of those questions, yes he does listen to me, he shows me that he cares, heís an amazing person, he doesnít push anything on me, and heís never done anything to make me not be able to trust him. And i know he does all of these things but i canít help but still be worried every time something changes. Iím not very experienced in serious relationships so when things started getting comfortable and he started trying less to get me, i completely panicked and thought he was losing interest.

Now, knowing about this ex is also causing me to be a little insecure in our relationship. Iím afraid Iím not as good of a girlfriend as she was.
Two thoughts. Relationships are always wonderful when they start, but it's hard to keep up the texting, interest, and attention as time goes by... They do become more comfortable, and that's actually a good thing. But, it does make you wonder and question when the relationship changes and the initial interest and butterflies cool down...

If he does all those things for you, then that tells you that he is a good guy and he cares about you. That's really important to know.

And finally, she clearly wasn't a very good girlfriend to him. She cheated on him. As Donnivain said, it's highly unlikely that he will want to go back to a woman who cheated on him and now has a small child. Comparing yourself to another woman or a previous relationship is unwise, it will only cause you misery and fuel your insecurity. Just focus on being the best girlfriend you can be and have fun with him.
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Old 4th February 2018, 11:29 AM   #39
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post

I think you have a good guy on your hands but I also know you will wreck it & every other relationship you ever have if you don't get a handle on your own insecurities. Until you are a confident healthy person, you can't be a good partner to anybody else.
As usual, Donnivain said it so much better than me... You are still young and still finding your way... Focus on developing your own self confidence, learn to manage your anxiety, and you will be fine. Good luck to you.
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Old 4th February 2018, 11:30 AM   #40
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Iím afraid Iím not as good of a girlfriend as she was.
What?!!! How can some chick who cheated on him be a better GF then you? If the standard is all you have to do is be faithful, why do you think you can't hurdle such a low bar?

If your self esteem is that low, you have your work cut out for you.
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Old 4th February 2018, 12:24 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by rebeccamuller View Post
I got over my fear because he literally begged me to date him and because i was so skeptical i tried to end things more than once and every time he has broken down into tears saying he doesnít want to lose me and that heís scared to lose me. Why would you cry that much over someone you donít actually care about right?
You consider all that crying and begging a good thing, while it actually isn't. It's his unresolved issues speaking not love and fear of losing you. Be very wary of someone is that attached and emotional over you after just a few months of dating. Maybe you're having all these doubts because deep inside you know he isn't fully healed yet.
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Old 4th February 2018, 12:34 PM   #42
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I'm ok with a man liking pictures of friends and colleagues, but it has to be non-suggestive, decent ones. There is no reason to be all over social medias putting likes on random sexy women, perfectly enough to just look at them privately and leave them be, out of respect to your SO.
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Old 4th February 2018, 12:39 PM   #43
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Should i be concerned if i see my boyfriend like another girls photo on Facebook??
It depends on the picture.
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Old 4th February 2018, 12:49 PM   #44
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I think it's disrespectful if he is liking suggestive or sexy pictures. Or even a lot of pictures of the same co-worker for example.

All decent men that I know never do stuff like that, only sleazeballs do.
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Old 4th February 2018, 12:50 PM   #45
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When I like a woman's photo it can mean one of two things:

1. I like the picture
2. I want to take her home and bend her over my couch.

Almost always it's #1 which is zero concern.

I wouldn't worry one bit unless you also notice a pattern of flirting going on.
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