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She wants to be ‘intimately exclusive’, but still see other people


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Old 1st January 2018, 1:59 PM   #1
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She wants to be ‘intimately exclusive’, but still see other people

A little over a month ago, I started talking to someone on Ok Cupid. She’s 40, I’m 36 (never married, no kids). She’s recently out of a 12 year marriage as of the summer, and has an 8 year old son.

She lives about a half an hour West of me, but was in town before the holidays. Our first date was coffee, then we went to the local art gallery on Boxing Day. We both agreed there was a lot of chemistry and common interests. On the basis of this, she invited me to spend New Years Eve with her and if I was comfortable with the idea, to meet a few of her close friends.

I’ll be honest, it felt a little bit too soon, but I’m starting to like her and I think she likes me too. Well, the weekend got off to a bit of a rocky start. She brought up (again), that she has reservations about us seeing each other because she’s convinced I really want kids of my own. I do, I think. But my step dad did too when he met my mum (who was roughly her age, and he was mine.) My step dad and I are now really close.

I relayed to her, that I had no idea what the future would bring, but that I was very happy in continuing to see her, because she seemed really great and her son does as well. She also brought up that I seemed a little more invested (she’s been busy with home renovations on a new place she recently bought.) That’s probably a fair assessment. I knew from the second date that I liked her, but assumed inviting me to spend New Year’s together meant something. Now I’m not so sure.

Last night, we were intimate (up to having sex) and she said that although she isn’t seeing other people, she may want to down the road. That what we have together is really nice, and she’d like us to be “intimately exclusive”, where as we're open to date others, but we only sleep with each other. This seemed a bit ridiculous to me, but we both agree it’s too soon to stop seeing other people, but that she may “go back on OkCupid and meet someone she connects with.”

It seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Thoughts?
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Old 1st January 2018, 2:49 PM   #2
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The underlying problem here is, she is not ready to commit to anyone because it is far too soon for her since her divorce. Plain and simple.

That is why she is back and forth. She says you are too invested yet she invites you to meet her fiends. She is intimate with you but wants to see other guys, etc, etc, This will be how it is, bro, back and forth. And you’ll be confused out of your mind and will be posting more threads here on LS, wasting your precious time when you could be finding someone else that is in a healthy state of mind.

Only date women that are ready for a relationship.
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Old 1st January 2018, 2:53 PM   #3
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This is telling me she isn't sure and wants an easy out if she feels it or if some one else comes along she like more.

The choice is yours but I don't play second fiddle to anyone. I'm worth more than that.I don't play games either. In my mind she either needs to decide to or not decide to and if she can't decide I'll choose for her.
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Old 1st January 2018, 2:59 PM   #4
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Yeah, sounds like she is being clear that she doesn't see you guys as a serious match for long term, so she wants to keep her options open. Sounds like she is doing that thing people do...exclusive fwb>?Where they are each other's booty call and avoid diseases but look around for a better match in the meantime. She's recently divorced
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Old 1st January 2018, 3:52 PM   #5
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Quote:
She’s recently out of a 12 year marriage as of the summer, and has an 8 year old son.
So, when was the date of dissolution on that M?

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I was very happy in continuing to see her, because she seemed really great and her son does as well
Met her son already? And she expressed the desire to see other people? Hmm...

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Last night, we were intimate (up to having sex) and she said that although she isn’t seeing other people, she may want to down the road.
Her place? Sounded like it from other content. Where was her son?

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she’d like us to be “intimately exclusive”, where as we're open to date others, but we only sleep with each other.
Double-talk, IMO.

A lot under the bridge for a month with someone an hour away.

If you do in fact want kids of your own, I'd take whatever comments she's made on that as gospel. If one kid is enough for her, it is. Especially at 40. I recall passing on marrying an otherwise extraordinary lady due to that same dynamic. Her words were 'my time for that are over'. With an adult daughter, teen and granddaughter, I took that as gospel. She was 46 at the time.

I wouldn't invest in this. However, nice for social activities as appropriate. Good luck!
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Old 1st January 2018, 4:21 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Mr.Me View Post
This is telling me she isn't sure and wants an easy out if she feels it or if some one else comes along she like more.

The choice is yours but I don't play second fiddle to anyone. I'm worth more than that.I don't play games either. In my mind she either needs to decide to or not decide to and if she can't decide I'll choose for her.
Agree 100%. But there is no waiting for her to make up her mind. She already has.

Imagine if you said this to a girl you really liked? What would the reaction be? Would you risk it??

If you’re cool with a FB then go for it and keep your feelings in check. Otherwise, tell her to date whomever she wants because you are out.

The flip side is what her reaction would be if you found another girl and she didn’t find anyone. I severely doubt she would be cool with that.
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Old 1st January 2018, 4:25 PM   #7
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This means she's going to see if there is a better man out there and compare every date to you.

You are the back burner guy.

I'd say NO to being second choice.

She's offering you sex - but she's not emotionally connected and doesn't plan to be.


Be careful - do not get invested in her offer.
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Old 1st January 2018, 4:28 PM   #8
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Um, no. I wouldn't do this.

I'm not really interested in sleeping with someone who is dating other people.
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:08 PM   #9
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You don't have to comply to this arrangement unless you really want to. It doesn't seem you do. If you're not comfortable with it, you should really tell her, and agree to seeing other people but mean time you prefer not to sleep with her while it's this way. She is basically asking to use you when it's convenient for her and while she checks out other prospects. I have been in a similar situation and I felt insulted by the idea.

And she shouldn't be bringing her son around men to get attached to if she doesn't plan to keep them around. From what I know that the 1st rule of single parent dating.
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:40 PM   #10
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For the record, no. I haven’t met her son.
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:41 PM   #11
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I would tell her that you are fine with that situation, and you aren't really interested in anything serious anyway. May as well keep hooking up with her on occasion but do not invest much time and effort into her. She is just some girl you bang, not relationship potential. For me at least, there is an immense gap between how well I treat a potential GF and just some girl I hook up with. In the meantime, most of your effort should be focused on finding someone more appropriate so that you can just fade away from this girl altogether. Do keep her on social media though. Never burn those bridges completely.
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:41 PM   #12
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I emailed her this:
“X,

I had hoped that in writing this out, I'm able to pin point my feelings of unease that I've felt since we last saw eachother.

I feel very comfortable with you and have enjoyed spending time together this past weekend. I know you're still finding yourself and I'm hesitant to rush things. That being said, I have a difficult time with how we left things and think that it would affect my feelings for the person I've already established a connection with. I feel that it would cloud my feelings for you to do so.

I’m also not sure an intimately exclusive or friends with benefits type dating scenario is right for me. I'd love to heard your thoughts and to understand your perspective on this.

My name”
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:53 PM   #13
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If she's all that and a bag of chips, I'd keep dating her but date other women too. She's clearly not yet ready to commit to one person - and if she's newly out of a long relationship, it's unreasonable to expect otherwise. You may be the best thing for her, but she has to have a basis of comparison to reach that conclusion.

In some ways, this sounds like me and my wife in the early days. She was newly back in the dating world, and didn't trust her judgment. She needed to date a while to know she was making good decisions. I knew what I wanted, so was willing to let her figure it out - but, I kept dating others people too, in case things didn't go my way. If I'd found someone better, I'd have gone with them, regardless. And she should do the same. However, if it works out that both of you choose each other, at least you're both sure you've made the right choice. It was the right choice for us, as it worked out. Everyone else she met just made me look better. Of course, you may not want to give her the chance, which is fine. Decide, and live with your choice.
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:55 PM   #14
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That's a very formal letter. I like it. I hope it works out for you but I agree with the consensus she is not that interested and exploring her other options ,so do the same
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:01 PM   #15
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I have a feeling she may not want more kids, or she does not see you as father material. Many mothers do not see single guys as suitable dads for their kids, they would much rather date another single parent when looking for a long term partner.
So whilst you may be OK as Mr RightNow, you are not Mr Right, hence maybe why she wants to keep on the look out.

She just got out of a 12 year marriage, her head will be all over the place, so if you are looking for long term I think you should stay clear as no doubt it will be you that gets very hurt here.
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