"Doubts about our dynamic"

[Emmafive]

*sigh* I'm tired of dating. Sorry for the wall of text!

 

Met this guy and we hit it off immediately-we have a lot in common. Initially I wasn't looking for anything at all. I just wanted to go out and go on a few dates (maybe) and just have fun. I didn't want anything serious at all because I wasn't emotionally ready. Any who, he pursued me consistently and we seemed to really enjoy talking to each other. He would reach out to me everyday and he was the one asking for dates. So we had a first date, which was a double date with his friends, and it lasted almost 7 hours. Clearly we had enjoyed each other's company. On our first date we talked about our astrological signs. He said he never looked into astrology and asked what were some things about a Taurus and a Leo. I told him how Leos are known for being regal, liking finer things etc.

 

We had our second date the next night and afterwards my girl friends and one of his good friends joined us for drinks. As soon as his friend saw me he said, "ohhh well HELLO, I've heard A LOT about you". He turned to me a little embarrassed and said don't listen to him. It was not long after that he told me that he and his friend don't date more than one woman at a time. So I guess he was just seeing me? Either way I was just enjoying his company and not expecting anything. We had taken an uber into the city so he left his car at my apartment. On the way back we couldn't stop kissing and he came into the community area and kissed a bit more and it got a little heavy. He asked if we could go upstairs and I said no it was time for him to go home. A few days later I was asking him about a store near him because I was getting a gift for one my guy friend's birthday. He said, "who is the gift for? Let me profile him really quickly haha". I knew he was joking (well maybe he wasn't completely joking?) but thought it was a little odd to make the joke.

 

Fast forward to this weekend we went on Friday. Another great date in the books-held hands and he mentioned again how he only dates one person at a time. He put his car in the shop so I picked him up and dropped him off since he lives near by. So I went inside for a bit and we had sex. I immediately regretted it. As soon as I left he contacted me and was still making jokes, so he was still his usual funny self which I took as a good sign. The next day he said he wanted to see me again but I had to go a birthday party and said I would swing by after. I get there and we start kissing and I tel him I'm not having sex with him. He thought I was joking but he kept trying, but it wasn't in a pushy way at all. This man tried for hours making jokes about sex but I still kept saying no.

 

He said how the sex the day before was "phenomenal" and he thought I teasing him on purpose because I hadn't told him why I didn't want to have sex, just that I didn't want to. He eventually said "this must be an ego thing for you isn't? To see me keep trying and you keep saying no so that you can go back and tell your friends about how I acted. It has to be because you keep kissing me but then keep saying no to sex." I finally told him that I thought yesterday was too soon and I wish that I hadn't slept with him. He immediately started to apologize saying, "sorry if you felt like I was pushing you yesterday I wasn't trying to do that all". I said, "no I didn't do anything that I didn't want to do it was just too soon". He said he understood and mentioned that any woman he's dated they've slept together within the 1st or 2nd date so he doesn't think any different of women who have sex early (we had known each other a month and had more dates than that).

 

He said let me guess, "you don't be used and made a fool of?" I said yea that's it. He said well "what do you need from me? Ask me anything you want. Do you want me to tell you how I feel about you?" I said "no I could give a crap about that it's about me and my level of comfort." He kept asking me "well what do you want?" I kept saying I don't know and that I hadn't thought that far. I said I could very well want you as just a **** buddy or something more but right now I don't know. He said well I don't know what I want either but this how I envision us. You'll be starting law school in the fall and I'll be finishing up my program so we'll see each other a few days out the week and then we'll just continue from there. I said, "wait you've thought about that already? Or did you just make that up on the cusp?" He said, "no I thought about it". He then asked what my 5 year plan is for a relationship which I tell him. He then proceeds to say how he hasn't been with someone in 2 years because he was busy helping his dead through chemo and after he died he went through a grieving process so he just wasn't ready. How I'm the first person that he's taken on a date in 6 months .

 

Also, how he hasn't closed the door on something serious with us and he added, "I haven't told that to a lot of people, matter of fact I don't think I've ever told a woman how I was thinking of having something serious with her". Lastly, he said "I'm a blunt person so if I don't see something serious with a woman I cut it off quickly". I said well we can keep hanging out. He cocked his head to the side and said "hanging out" I said, "yea...why did you make that face?" He said "Nothing. yea we can keep hanging out then". He kissed me goodbye and I left.

 

So I didn't hear from the next day and I immediately knew something was off since he made sure to contact me everyday. The next day nothing as well. So I called him and said I hope he didn't take offense to wanting to take things slow (since I didn't quite word it like that when we had seen each other lol). He said "I apologize if it seems like I was a little too aggressive the other night and if I came of entitled because I'm not entitled to sex with anyone. I have no problem waiting for someone I'm into but truthfully I'm having doubts about our dynamics". Huh?? I said, "dynamics, what do you mean". He said, "oh well the whole Leo thing. You said how they like the finer things in life and y'all are regal and that's just not me and we had different motivations". I started laughing because I knew immediately that was bull sh*t. The man didn't even know a single thing about astrology, even mentioned how he didn't think much of it, and now it's an issue? lol. Plus, I told him things about Leos on the first date. I was a Leo the entire time and there was no problem. Then he proceeded to say "I like talking to you see with you. We can keep hanging out but this isn't going to be long term". I said, "Understood" and got off the phone.

 

I was the one who kept saying I didn't know what I wanted and even my friends were saying it seemed like he was ahead of me in where this was going with us, but now because "doubts about our dynamics" he doesn't see long term?. The hell? Why even mention long term if I didn't even say **** about long term anyways. I can see if I had been saying I wanted to be with him but I didn't even say that. Now I just feel used :/

 

So.over.dating.

[lana-banana]

It could very well be an excuse to end things on his part, but whether I was looking for a FWB or a long-term partner I would be turned off by someone telling me "I don't know what I want". That, to me, suggests confusion, immaturity, and drama down the line; at any rate, it's not someone I want to be in a relationship with. Always be honest about your intentions. If you genuinely don't know what you're looking for, spend some time reflecting until you figure it out.

[Emmafive]

It could very well be an excuse to end things on his part, but whether I was looking for a FWB or a long-term partner I would be turned off by someone telling me "I don't know what I want". That, to me, suggests confusion, immaturity, and drama down the line; at any rate, it's not someone I want to be in a relationship with. Always be honest about your intentions. If you genuinely don't know what you're looking for, spend some time reflecting until you figure it out.

 

 

We just met a month ago, I would think it's more than fine to not know what it is that I don't want.

 

I have no problem reflecting on what I want but I think it's just too soon (at least for me) to have a "what are we" conversation. Just would like to spend more time and get to know him better is all.

 

Either way why try and end things if I'm saying I don't know when he turned around and said the exact same thing? lol.

[salparadise]

If you want a relationship to progress smoothly, regardless of whether it's casual or serious, don't sex a guy up and then cut him off... and then use it to spur a convo about intentions are when you've only been together a few weeks. Once you start sexing him, sex him until his tongue is hanging on the floor, keep it light and fun and keep the positive vibes flowing awhile. Give it a few months before you start having the difficult conversations.

 

I think he pulled back because you pulled back. He doesn't want to get invested in someone who's holding him at arm's length, and that's quite understandable. Drama, games and posturing will kill enthusiasm quicker than anything. When people start getting attached they have feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. If you want it to work, reassure and help them through it. If you want to kill it, blowing hot and cold will bring up the defenses and have him looking at other options almost instantly.

[Emmafive]

If you want a relationship to progress smoothly, regardless of whether it's casual or serious, don't sex a guy up and then cut him off... and then use it to spur a convo about intentions are when you've only been together a few weeks. Once you start sexing him, sex him until his tongue is hanging on the floor, keep it light and fun and keep the positive vibes flowing awhile. Give it a few months before you start having the difficult conversations.

 

I think he pulled back because you pulled back. He doesn't want to get invested in someone who's holding him at arm's length, and that's quite understandable. Drama, games and posturing will kill enthusiasm quicker than anything. When people start getting attached they have feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. If you want it to work, reassure and help them through it. If you want to kill it, blowing hot and cold will bring up the defenses and have him looking at other options almost instantly.

 

 

Thanks. I understand what you mean but I really wasn't trying to use sex to have this kind of conversation. We only had sex one time which was the night before. After I left I was kind of kicking myself and felt like it was too soon . When I saw him the next day I told him I didn't want to continue to have sex because it was too soon for me and that's when *he* wanted to have the what are we conversation. I kept telling him I hadn't thought that far since we just only met a month ago and that's when he started telling me about how he "envisioned us". The last thing I wanted to do was have such a serious conversation lol. I'm sure I gave him mixed signals in retrospect so I'll own that, but I knew I had to speak up since I was feeling uncomfortable.

 

To be honest I thought he was just after sex. I figured that's why all of a sudden the dynamics are off, now that I took sex off the table.

[VeveCakes]

I am not surprised at all he is done. You gave him majorly mixed signals. Hanging out every day and have sex but want to take it slow? Also, if you don't want to have sex, don't spend so much time making out with someone you slept with the day before. Of course he is going to think you are going to want to have sex again. That is just giving him the wrong idea entirely.

 

I think it turned him off majorly by you saying you didn't know what you want. He most likely took that as you saying you don't know if you want anything with HIM.

 

I would never continue dating a guy who said that after I had confessed I was interested in something serious with them. He was smart and made the right choice for his own happiness.

 

If you are unsure of what you want in a relationship, stop dating, take the time to figure it out. If you want casual, don't spend every day with the person. That isn't casual.

[Emmafive]

I am not surprised at all he is done. You gave him majorly mixed signals. Hanging out every day and have sex but want to take it slow? Also, if you don't want to have sex, don't spend so much time making out with someone you slept with the day before. Of course he is going to think you are going to want to have sex again. That is just giving him the wrong idea entirely.

 

I think it turned him off majorly by you saying you didn't know what you want. He most likely took that as you saying you don't know if you want anything with HIM.

 

I would never continue dating a guy who said that after I had confessed I was interested in something serious with them. He was smart and made the right choice for his own happiness.

 

If you are unsure of what you want in a relationship, stop dating, take the time to figure it out. If you want casual, don't spend every day with the person. That isn't casual.

 

 

We haven't spent everyday together. It's only been a handful of dates. How would anyone know if they want something serious with someone after a handful of dates and only knowing each other for a month? That just seems incredibly rushed. Oh, and we only had sex once. After the one time I said I thought we had moved too fast.

[zawadi16]

We haven't spent everyday together. It's only been a handful of dates. How would anyone know if they want something serious with someone after a handful of dates and only knowing each other for a month? That just seems incredibly rushed. Oh, and we only had sex once. After the one time I said I thought we had moved too fast.

 

I'm with OP on this one. A handful of dates and he's already telling her how he envisions the two of them? That's very fast. I can't blame anyone in this situation for saying they're not sure what they want-you don't know the person at all! Just because he knows what he wants extremely early doesn't mean OP should be faulted for not knowing.

 

I would want to take things slow as well. He told her how he felt after she said that she doesn't know. OP, I think your guy is being a little immature here. First of all by placing blame on silly astrology instead of speaking up is juvenile. Secondly, you asked to take it slow and he freaked out. You never said you didn't like him. It's understandable after a few dates to not know and he should respect that. Just as you should respect him wanting to get serious. Bottom line he should've communicated with you and not expect for you two to be so serious so soon.

[salparadise]

Oh, and we only had sex once. After the one time I said I thought we had moved too fast.

 

Yes, we get that... but you can't put that genie back in the bottle.

 

I finally told him that I thought yesterday was too soon and I wish that I hadn't slept with him. [...] I said I could very well want you as just a **** buddy or something more but right now I don't know.

 

You see, as much as us guys like sex, it can generate feelings in us too. If we know starting out that it's just sex, that's one thing. But if we're interested in a woman and start having sex, and then she pushes us away... time for self preservation mode to kick in and start divesting, or just move on.

[Tribble]

We haven't spent everyday together. It's only been a handful of dates. How would anyone know if they want something serious with someone after a handful of dates and only knowing each other for a month? That just seems incredibly rushed. Oh, and we only had sex once. After the one time I said I thought we had moved too fast.

 

It is rushed, you're right. The problem is, you gave major mixed signals and failed to communicate what you wanted, in my opinion. This guy said he could see longer term with you. You responded saying you might only want to be FWB, you don't know yet. That has to be a blow to the ego. If this guy wants to date with a view to a long term thing, he was right to end things with you, based on what you said.

 

What do you want out of dating? FWB? Long term relationship? It's OK to not know what you want with a particular guy a month in but you need to have some kind of idea. In this situation, you could have said 'I want a long term relationship and this has the potential to develop into that but I'm not quite there yet, we should continue to get to know each other and date some more'. If that is what you want.

 

With the sex thing. Yes, you shouldn't have slept with him, but you did. What you should have done is had a conversation about it the day after and not make out with him and think he's going to get laid again. The guy was rightly very confused. You just needed to explain that you think you moved into a physical relationship a little fast and could you wait a bit. I bet hearing you regretted it really hurt.

 

He could have been out just for sex or not. From what you've said, I don't think so. I think you sent mixed signals, the guy thought you either weren't interested or it was too much drama this early on and nexted you.

[Emmafive]

Yes, we get that... but you can't put that genie back in the bottle.

 

 

 

You see, as much as us guys like sex, it can generate feelings in us too. If we know starting out that it's just sex, that's one thing. But if we're interested in a woman and start having sex, and then she pushes us away... time for self preservation mode to kick in and start divesting, or just move on.

 

Yea, I get that I shouldn't have let the geenie out of the bottle lol and I take blame for not thinking the sex part all the way through. In this particular case once I realized I wasn't as ready as I thought I would be was I supposed to just keep my mouth shut? Keep having sex with him when I didn't feel comfortable?

[VeveCakes]

We haven't spent everyday together. It's only been a handful of dates. How would anyone know if they want something serious with someone after a handful of dates and only knowing each other for a month? That just seems incredibly rushed. Oh, and we only had sex once. After the one time I said I thought we had moved too fast.

 

but the dates were every day in a row?

 

I know you only had sex once. Then hung out the next day and were making out a lot....so obviously he is going to think you want sex. That is a normal assumption.

 

I don't think by serious he meant marriage, just exclusivity which sounds important to him. That is normal to be expected after a month.

 

I get the vibe you wanted to be free to date others also, which is totally fine. You are on two separate pages and he sensed that, and protected himself. He honestly sounds like is a mentally healthy individual who knows what he wants. I don't understand how you can not see this.

[mikeylo]

It started pretty fast. Then pulled back pretty fast. Add a plenty of mixed signals in between. Result is what you have now.

 

If you want to make something out of it, start slow and stay focused.

[olivetree]

I think you are right that he was just after sex with you / wasn't overly interested.

 

Any guy that is super into you would stick around if you communicated that you thought you'd had sex too soon and wanted to slow down.

 

So now that he knows sex won't be happening for a while, he's lost interest.

 

His pushiness with you is pretty unattractive as well and also speaks to his intentions.

[VeveCakes]

Yea, I get that I shouldn't have let the geenie out of the bottle lol and I take blame for not thinking the sex part all the way through. In this particular case once I realized I wasn't as ready as I thought I would be was I supposed to just keep my mouth shut? Keep having sex with him when I didn't feel comfortable?

 

That is not at all what they are saying. But don't then be making out with him at a place that could be open for sex.

 

I think you want this to be about him leaving because you wouldn't put out, but the truth is he left because he knew you wanted different things. End of story.

[VeveCakes]

I think you are right that he was just after sex with you / wasn't overly interested.

 

Any guy that is super into you would stick around if you communicated that you thought you'd had sex too soon and wanted to slow down.

 

So now that he knows sex won't be happening for a while, he's lost interest.

 

His pushiness with you is pretty unattractive as well and also speaks to his intentions.

 

Don't think so - she told him she didn't know what she wanted and he said he wanted a relationship. This is not about sex.

[Emmafive]

It is rushed, you're right. The problem is, you gave major mixed signals and failed to communicate what you wanted, in my opinion. This guy said he could see longer term with you. You responded saying you might only want to be FWB, you don't know yet. That has to be a blow to the ego. If this guy wants to date with a view to a long term thing, he was right to end things with you, based on what you said.

 

What do you want out of dating? FWB? Long term relationship? It's OK to not know what you want with a particular guy a month in but you need to have some kind of idea. In this situation, you could have said 'I want a long term relationship and this has the potential to develop into that but I'm not quite there yet, we should continue to get to know each other and date some more'. If that is what you want.

 

With the sex thing. Yes, you shouldn't have slept with him, but you did. What you should have done is had a conversation about it the day after and not make out with him and think he's going to get laid again. The guy was rightly very confused. You just needed to explain that you think you moved into a physical relationship a little fast and could you wait a bit. I bet hearing you regretted it really hurt.

 

He could have been out just for sex or not. From what you've said, I don't think so. I think you sent mixed signals, the guy thought you either weren't interested or it was too much drama this early on and nexted you.

 

I communicated how I felt to him the very next day when I saw him. It was after I told him that I didn't want to have sex because I thought it was too soon that he spilled his feelings for me. He said FWB and I don't know before he told me how he felt.

 

I can definitely see how he might be confused. Going into this I wasn't on the search for something serious but if someone great came along I would be open to getting into something serious. Since we had only been on a handful of dates I was just going with the flow of things and didn't think he would be thinking long term so soon. To me until exclusivity has been established it is considered casual.

[olivetree]

Don't think so - she told him she didn't know what she wanted and he said he wanted a relationship. This is not about sex.

 

I'm still not getting the sense he was overly interested in her.

 

Every guy that has been super into me and me not knowing what I want has stuck around till I do.

[Emmafive]

but the dates were every day in a row?

 

I know you only had sex once. Then hung out the next day and were making out a lot....so obviously he is going to think you want sex. That is a normal assumption.

 

I don't think by serious he meant marriage, just exclusivity which sounds important to him. That is normal to be expected after a month.

 

I get the vibe you wanted to be free to date others also, which is totally fine. You are on two separate pages and he sensed that, and protected himself. He honestly sounds like is a mentally healthy individual who knows what he wants. I don't understand how you can not see this.

 

No, not every day. We live about two hours away from each other. Another reason why I hadn't thought that far into the future about things. Usually, with LDR you need more time to get to know each other since you don't have the luxury of just being around each other when ever you want. Talking on the phone is completely different than in-person interaction.

 

I have no problem with him protecting himself. I respect that he's doing what he deems best for himself. My problem is that he blamed this on astrology and something wrong with me instead of communicating with me what's really the issue. After he ended things it left me feeling like he just used me for sex. I'm definitely open to seeing where things can go with us. Heck, even be exclusive with him after a little more time, because we do have great chemistry. That's why I kept telling him I wanted to go slow so that we could get to know each other better.

[zawadi16]

I'm still not getting the sense he was overly interested in her.

 

Every guy that has been super into me and me not knowing what I want has stuck around till I do.

 

Sometimes it's best to ask yourself what would you do/how would you feel if the tables were turned to get a better understanding of how someone else may feel. With that said I'll ask you this;

 

If you told a guy that he could see being with you long term, he's the first person that you've dated in almost a year since your father died and he replies back, "I don't know what I want. It could be FWB or maybe something else, but I don't know. I haven't thought that far." Would you still stick around?

 

Plus, if it was just about sex why did he tell OP "Oh this won't be anything long term" when she was the one who said she didn't even know what she wanted? What was the point in even bringing that up? Because that's what he was thinking. A guy who just wants sex isn't going to phrase it like that. If it was just sex he would've stuck around especially since she said it could be FWB with them. What OP said (I don't know what I want) would've been music to a sex driven man's ears. If he just wanted sex he would've waited things out and got it from her if he really wanted.

Edited February 2, 2017 by zawadi16

[VeveCakes]

No, not every day. We live about two hours away from each other. Another reason why I hadn't thought that far into the future about things. Usually, with LDR you need more time to get to know each other since you don't have the luxury of just being around each other when ever you want. Talking on the phone is completely different than in-person interaction.

 

I have no problem with him protecting himself. I respect that he's doing what he deems best for himself. My problem is that he blamed this on astrology and something wrong with me instead of communicating with me what's really the issue. After he ended things it left me feeling like he just used me for sex. I'm definitely open to seeing where things can go with us. Heck, even be exclusive with him after a little more time, because we do have great chemistry. That's why I kept telling him I wanted to go slow so that we could get to know each other better.

 

Your post made it seem like you spent several days in a row together more than once.

 

I think you were honest about not knowing what you want, and now that he is gone you are questioning if maybe you should have been more open to something else.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. But that's my stance. Read your post and the thread again.

[Emmafive]

Your post made it seem like you spent several days in a row together more than once.

 

I think you were honest about not knowing what you want, and now that he is gone you are questioning if maybe you should have been more open to something else.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. But that's my stance. Read your post and the thread again.

 

 

Maybe I misread your question wrong. I thought you had been asking if all of our dates had been back to back. We've had dates days in a row with about a week in between since we don't live in the same city.

 

Yes, you're right I'm questioning if I should've been more open. He asked me right on the spot and since I hadn't really thought that far about us I just kept repeating I don't know. Since he said I don't know after me but then proceeded to say how he saw the two of us in the future I thought all was fine.

 

Now that I can see where I gave him mixed signals and how he clearly isn't fine I wish I could've explained more now that I've had time to really think. I'm still not sure exactly what I want, but I would be open to long term as well. Right now I just need for us to get to know each other better before I can really put any stock into this long term business.

[VeveCakes]

It might be worth calling him to see if you can hang out again, and that you think maybe you said what you werent really feeling.

 

Don't do it over text.

[olivetree]

Sometimes it's best to ask yourself what would you do/how would you feel if the tables were turned to get a better understanding of how someone else may feel. With that said I'll ask you this;

 

If you told a guy that he could see being with you long term, he's the first person that you've dated in almost a year since your father died and he replies back, "I don't know what I want. It could be FWB or maybe something else, but I don't know. I haven't thought that far." Would you still stick around?

 

No I would not stick around.

But I would also let them know why I wasn't sticking around.

I also think that men are wired differently than women and are okay chasing for a bit.

This was only a month thing.

 

 

Plus, if it was just about sex why did he tell OP "Oh this won't be anything long term" when she was the one who said she didn't even know what she wanted? What was the point in even bringing that up? Because that's what he was thinking. A guy who just wants sex isn't going to phrase it like that. If it was just sex he would've stuck around especially since she said it could be FWB with them. What OP said (I don't know what I want) would've been music to a sex driven man's ears. If he just wanted sex he would've waited things out and got it from her if he really wanted.

 

I think if he were really into her, he would say something more like "I don't see this going anywhere because we want different things. I want long term and you don't know what you want."

 

What she said is NOT music to a sex-driven man's ears.

She said she didn't want to have sex!

 

He's thinking this is going to be more work than he's willing to put in.

Take him at his word - he doesn't think you fit together for whatever reason.

Regardless of if he was just after sex or actually after a relationship (with someone), he's really just not that interested.

Edited February 2, 2017 by olivetree

[Cookiesandough]

When you tell someone you think it was "too soon" and you wished you didn't have sex with them, but you wanted it, it can be pretty heavy for the other person. I do not think he wanted something serious with you(I'm not sure" is a no until further notice. Ignore any excuses), and you may have appeared to have some hang ups and expectations from sex by saying it was "Too soon". Not saying that is the case. Just how that can be interpreted. So he was honest and told you it wouldn't progress. Be grateful for that. Some people are not that generous.

 

But he was way too pushy with the sex.

Edited February 2, 2017 by Cookiesandough