Did he just want to Netflix and chill? Was I ghosted?

[ToBePampered]

Shortened for feedback. Please answer I'm new to the site.

 

I had a great first date with a guy who showed a lot interest in me. He referenced plans for us to hang out again in he future, me meeting his friends, and even let me know that his company could even move him to some of the place that I eventually wanted to relocate to.

 

He hugged me goodbye and said that he was sad to see me go. He asked texted me later on to ask for a date for two days later, at his house for a movie. I couldn't make it and he mentioned that we could meet up when he returned.

 

He went away for thanksgiving and never contacted me. I wanted to give him his space so I texted him after he returned. He responded but it was brief.

 

I took a leap and asked him to cash in my raincheck for that movie and he replied that I could come to his house and he would even pick me up. I wasn't really comfortable with going to his house just yet so I suggested the theatre near him, and he never replied. That was on Saturday, and it is now Monday

 

What happened? Was he just really eager to get me over there for sex? Did he meet someone else? I really liked his guy, but maybe he didn't have the best interest for me.

 

< moderator edit: We closed the long version but you can read it here if you wish: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/605870-guy-my-dreams-gone-wrong-do-i-stand-corrected >

Edited December 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added link to long version ~6

[Redhead14]

Shortened for feedback. Please answer I'm new to the site.

 

I had a great first date with a guy who showed a lot interest in me. He referenced plans for us to hang out again in he future, me meeting his friends, and even let me know that his company could even move him to some of the place that I eventually wanted to relocate to.

 

He hugged me goodbye and said that he was sad to see me go. He asked texted me later on to ask for a date for two days later, at his house for a movie. I couldn't make it and he mentioned that we could meet up when he returned.

 

He went away for thanksgiving and never contacted me. I wanted to give him his space so I texted him after he returned. He responded but it was brief.

 

I took a leap and asked him to cash in my raincheck for that movie and he replied that I could come to his house and he would even pick me up. I wasn't really comfortable with going to his house just yet so I suggested the theatre near him, and he never replied. That was on Saturday, and it is now Monday

 

What happened? Was he just really eager to get me over there for sex? Did he meet someone else? I really liked his guy, but maybe he didn't have the best interest for me.

 

Was he just really eager to get me over there for sex? Did he meet someone else? -- Probably both . . . when a guy invites you to his house on the second date, he wants to get past second base . . . he usually wants a home run. You wouldn't play ball, so he took his bat to a new field.

 

Yeah, you don't know for sure that's all he wanted, however, it's better to take the high road and not put yourself or him in that position. You didn't so good for you. Next time, let the guy do the initiating for the first few dates even if he goes away on a trip. At least, you'll have a better idea of his level of interest.

 

In the very beginning, you be responsive and receptive only. After a few dates initiated by him, then you can start reciprocating and initiating a little more.

 

If this guy calls you again, tell him you've moved on.

Edited December 13, 2016 by Redhead14

[BC1980]

Kinda weird but sounds like he just wasn't interested enough. I had a guy ask me to his house on a second date, and I declined. I didn't feel comfortable with it. Never heard from him again.

[winny]

He referenced plans for us to hang out again in he future, me meeting his friends, and even let me know that his company could even move him to some of the place that I eventually wanted to relocate to.

 

He hugged me goodbye and said that he was sad to see me go.

 

 

I hate it when guys talk such crap when they just want sex.

Move on he is not worth it...

[TheTraveler]

I took a leap and asked him to cash in my raincheck for that movie and he replied that I could come to his house and he would even pick me up. I wasn't really comfortable with going to his house just yet so I suggested the theatre near him, and he never replied. That was on Saturday, and it is now Monday

 

What happened? Was he just really eager to get me over there for sex? Did he meet someone else? I really liked his guy, but maybe he didn't have the best interest for me.

 

Yes he was eager to get you over for sex. Did he meet someone else? Nobody knows. Yes he was interested in having sex

[Miss Clavel]

Shortened for feedback. Please answer I'm new to the site.

 

I had a great first date with a guy who showed a lot interest in me. He referenced plans for us to hang out again in he future, me meeting his friends, and even let me know that his company could even move him to some of the place that I eventually wanted to relocate to.

 

He hugged me goodbye and said that he was sad to see me go. He asked texted me later on to ask for a date for two days later, at his house for a movie. I couldn't make it and he mentioned that we could meet up when he returned.

 

He went away for thanksgiving and never contacted me. I wanted to give him his space so I texted him after he returned. He responded but it was brief.

 

I took a leap and asked him to cash in my raincheck for that movie and he replied that I could come to his house and he would even pick me up. I wasn't really comfortable with going to his house just yet so I suggested the theatre near him, and he never replied. That was on Saturday, and it is now Monday

 

What happened? Was he just really eager to get me over there for sex? Did he meet someone else? I really liked his guy, but maybe he didn't have the best interest for me.

 

 

if you don't think it's safe to go over a man's house to be alone with him then you shouldn't. it's not safe. end of.

 

he is only thinking of himself.

 

i can understand you're confusion. he did a love buzz on you and when you wouldn't stick to his script he dropped you.

 

he wanted you to come over, you suggested an alternative plan, one that still let you two enjoy an evening together, just in a different place. which sounds reasonable to most everyone that doesn't have an agenda.

 

"he even offered to pick you up" might be code for, he likes to control when you leave. as in, right after he zips up his pants and finds the car keys.

 

and now you have to see him. the good news is that he's not speaking to you anymore so maybe he'll just keep on with that, which should be a relief given the kind of woman he thinks you are.

 

and that's how i'd play it if he does start talking to you. i'd just tell him, "i like you, i enjoyed the time we spent together but i'm not the type of woman that "hangs" out on the second date". "suck it up and we can keep getting to know each other, or shake my hand and delete my number".

 

are you sure he isn't married? or in a relationship?

[ToBePampered]

Thanks everyone for your answers. It seeems like I guessed correctly-- for which I'm actually proud of. I don't have a lot of experience with guys, and I'm a virgin, so I worry that I will be taken advantage of easily. But it seems I dodged a major bullet here.

 

I actually shed a tear or two during this time of his indifference, because I honestly thought I had met a decent guy for once, but not only decent, one that actually had everything I was looking for in a partner. Or so I thought. He is missing honor amsnintergrity, so I guess he isn't that perfect for me.

 

I have to see him tomorrow at a committee meeting for an organization that we are both a part of. Maybe he won't show, maybe he'll speak, maybe he won't. But I think I'm turned off enough to not respond in kind either way.

 

Actually now that I think of it. When he asked me for the second date so soon I said "you haven't had enough of me lol" and he said "no way, not even close." Was that code for sex?

 

And he even often mentioned "future dates" that involved me going to his house. Like us doing homework together (for our masters programs), and him cooking us dinner.

 

He is also 7 years my senior. Maybe that mean something as well?

 

I must admit though, my feelings are hurt that he chose to handle the situation the way he did. He had me wondering what was wrong with me and if I had offended him. Now he just sounds like a jerk.

[Redhead14]

Thanks everyone for your answers. It seeems like I guessed correctly-- for which I'm actually proud of. I don't have a lot of experience with guys, and I'm a virgin, so I worry that I will be taken advantage of easily. But it seems I dodged a major bullet here.

 

I actually shed a tear or two during this time of his indifference, because I honestly thought I had met a decent guy for once, but not only decent, one that actually had everything I was looking for in a partner. Or so I thought. He is missing honor amsnintergrity, so I guess he isn't that perfect for me.

 

I have to see him tomorrow at a committee meeting for an organization that we are both a part of. Maybe he won't show, maybe he'll speak, maybe he won't. But I think I'm turned off enough to not respond in kind either way.

 

Actually now that I think of it. When he asked me for the second date so soon I said "you haven't had enough of me lol" and he said "no way, not even close." Was that code for sex?

 

And he even often mentioned "future dates" that involved me going to his house. Like us doing homework together (for our masters programs), and him cooking us dinner.

 

He is also 7 years my senior. Maybe that mean something as well?

 

I must admit though, my feelings are hurt that he chose to handle the situation the way he did. He had me wondering what was wrong with me and if I had offended him. Now he just sounds like a jerk.

 

I had met a decent guy for once, but not only decent, one that actually had everything I was looking for in a partner. -- You came to that "conclusion" after only one date???? You're way ahead of yourself if you're doing that after a 1st date.

 

And, just because he wants sex, doesn't mean he's a bad guy. He just wants what he wants. And, sometimes, they get ahead of themselves too because maybe they're having a nice time, etc. So, you just need to keep things in perspective for yourself and realize that all that kind of talk so soon is a pipe dream at the time.

 

"you haven't had enough of me lol" and he said "no way, not even close." Was that code for sex? -- Probably. He's testing the waters. If he just wants sex and he finds a woman who wants that too, great. There are women who don't want a relationship with anyone either. They're OK with casual sex. So be it.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Kinda weird but sounds like he just wasn't interested enough. I had a guy ask me to his house on a second date, and I declined. I didn't feel comfortable with it. Never heard from him again.

 

Yeah, he probably wasn't into you, but...he figured he'd at least get some sex out of the "meh" feeling he had about you.

[ToBePampered]

I don't know how to work these forums quite yet, so I can't do just a reply to you directly...

 

Yes, I agree that one date is soon. But I got to know a bit a bout him through the committee meeting that we had. In fact he did most of the talking during that meeting so it was hard to miss the details. I also did lots of social media investigation, as I do with any new date.

 

I don't disagree that I got ahead of myself. But there is nothing I can do about that now.

 

I don't think he's a bad a guy for wanting sex, but I think that he's a rude guy for how he handled it. He is an international sales managers and works with clients all of the time. I'm sure he would never leave his clients hanging the way he did me. Just a thought.

[Miss Peach]

Sounds like he was just looking for sex. Don't believe the future talk. That's a common move IME. When you tried to make him court you in a manner where he wouldn't get laid he put other things ahead of you.

[ToBePampered]

Sounds like he was just looking for sex. Don't believe the future talk. That's a common move IME. When you tried to make him court you in a manner where he wouldn't get laid he put other things ahead of you.

 

Thanks miss peach.... I think you nailed it on the head very concisely. Do you have any suggestions as to how I deal with him when I see him tomorrow and in the future?

[Miss Peach]

Thanks miss peach.... I think you nailed it on the head very concisely. Do you have any suggestions as to how I deal with him when I see him tomorrow and in the future?

 

What do you want from him?

 

I'm guessing form the tone of your post that you were hoping for more form him than sex. IME men tend to categorize women and they don't shift them to other categories so if you want more than sex, then you're barking up the wrong tree. You can still be friendly or nice or cordial but if you don't want sex then focus on meeting other people there.

[ToBePampered]

What do you want from him?

 

I'm guessing form the tone of your post that you were hoping for more form him than sex. IME men tend to categorize women and they don't shift them to other categories so if you want more than sex, then you're barking up the wrong tree. You can still be friendly or nice or cordial but if you don't want sex then focus on meeting other people there.

 

I guess it doesn't really matter what I want since it's seems he doesn't what the same? I was speaking in terms of the awkwardness of the interaction... do I act like nothing happened? Should I say something about it?

[KatZee]

You need to screen better. What got me, was when you said, "I thought I met a decent guy." what exactly gave you that impression? You went on exactly one date, where he threw down so much BS. It worked though, because you thought he was decent, but all this should show you is that your "picker" is not quite there just yet. Ok sure, he Said x, Y, and Z. The fact is, these are pretty words to get in your pants. He was too schmoozey, playing the cards he knew you'd want to see in order to make you think he was genuine. Words mean NOTHING. Especially on a first date. Actions actions actions. That's it. Ignore what a guy says, watch the actions. When they don't align, he's bull****.

[ToBePampered]

You need to screen better. What got me, was when you said, "I thought I met a decent guy." what exactly gave you that impression? You went on exactly one date, where he threw down so much BS. It worked though, because you thought he was decent, but all this should show you is that your "picker" is not quite there just yet. Ok sure, he Said x, Y, and Z. The fact is, these are pretty words to get in your pants. He was too schmoozey, playing the cards he knew you'd want to see in order to make you think he was genuine. Words mean NOTHING. Especially on a first date. Actions actions actions. That's it. Ignore what a guy says, watch the actions. When they don't align, he's bull****.

 

Okay well thank you for your answer. As I've said I don't have any real dating experience, so it's safe to say that my picker isn't great.

 

Hopefully I'll learn from this... but I am really genuine and honest person so it's not in my nature to assume the worst and to not know that when someone sounds genuine that they could be lying. Sucks... wish people could just be honest.

[Miss Peach]

I guess it doesn't really matter what I want since it's seems he doesn't what the same? I was speaking in terms of the awkwardness of the interaction... do I act like nothing happened? Should I say something about it?

 

This really depends on your style. You can go cold or you can just be nice; that just depends on your style. But I would be very boundaried - no not respond to him, do not meet him outside of the group, etc. He may look for a crack in the door and give it another try. If you don't want what he's offering then you need to make it clear you're not up for that if he approaches you again in a more friendly manner.

 

You need to screen better. What got me, was when you said, "I thought I met a decent guy." what exactly gave you that impression? You went on exactly one date

 

One of the best pieces of advice I got was written by a blogger named Natalie Lue. She says that dating is a discovery phase and that you need to let people 'unfold'. There is another good book called Temptations of a Single Girl by Nina Atwood. She has a chapter based on the concept of 'we'll see'. You can like someone and enjoy their company but remember to stay in we'll see. If you think he's great or the one prematurely before you know him, you can miss red flags that signal he's not right for you.

[ToBePampered]

This really depends on your style. You can go cold or you can just be nice; that just depends on your style. But I would be very boundaried - no not respond to him, do not meet him outside of the group, etc. He may look for a crack in the door and give it another try. If you don't want what he's offering then you need to make it clear you're not up for that if he approaches you again in a more friendly manner.

 

 

 

One of the best pieces of advice I got was written by a blogger named Natalie Lue. She says that dating is a discovery phase and that you need to let people 'unfold'. There is another good book called Temptations of a Single Girl by Nina Atwood. She has a chapter based on the concept of 'we'll see'. You can like someone and enjoy their company but remember to stay in we'll see. If you think he's great or the one prematurely before you know him, you can miss red flags that signal he's not right for you.

 

 

Thanks again for your response. I'd rather be nice, just because I've been having a good flow of energy so far, don't wanna disturb that over this silly man and his antics. In a way I find it comical that he would even do something so immature. I understand he reasonings now thanks to you all, but I still find it totally bizarre and strange for an adult to act that way. I have a feeling that he will be trying again... will keel you all posted

 

And that's actually what I said to him... before he left and he suggested that we meet up when he returned (at his house of course) j told him "we'll see". I absolutely sensed that he had a problem with that. But as the woman, I get to set the pace, and that ls what I've done.

 

I just find it weird though... if you're attracted enough to a person for sex, and you have a lot in common, why not be in a relationship. That just a general question I have, in no way trying to rationalize him being in a relationship with me. Maybe it's because guys and girls see sex differently?

 

I'm quite accomplished for 22, have a ton of hobbies. Am well travels, kind, trilingual, a belly dancer... I have a lot of different things going for me... why can't I seem to FIND a decent guy.

[Miss Peach]

I just find it weird though... if you're attracted enough to a person for sex, and you have a lot in common, why not be in a relationship. That just a general question I have, in no way trying to rationalize him being in a relationship with me. Maybe it's because guys and girls see sex differently?

 

Actually I see both sexes do this. But with women we develop an opinion over time and men know it more instantly IME.

 

I mean why do some men take a guy home but make another guy wait? With men they categorize pretty rapidly and that's difficult to change. With women it can change and a guy's value can go up or down based on her interactions.

 

It could be anything... you might not have something he wants, age, job history, he's not wanting a relationship, he might want more sexual experience, he wants to work on his career, etc. It likely has nothing you do with you.

 

If you're looking for a more serious guy, you're likely going to want to look older at the men who have more of their career built up and are starting to think about settling down.

[ToBePampered]

Actually I see both sexes do this. But with women we develop an opinion over time and men know it more instantly IME.

 

I mean why do some men take a guy home but make another guy wait? With men they categorize pretty rapidly and that's difficult to change. With women it can change and a guy's value can go up or down based on her interactions.

 

It could be anything... you might not have something he wants, age, job history, he's not wanting a relationship, he might want more sexual experience, he wants to work on his career, etc. It likely has nothing you do with you.

 

If you're looking for a more serious guy, you're likely going to want to look older at the men who have more of their career built up and are starting to think about settling down.

 

So, even though he spoke about our "future" plans interns of a relationship or getting to know each other doesn't mean that he categorized me as "girlfriend material." How would you be able to know clearly which category you are in on the first date, since that's when they decide it.

 

Also, he's actually 29 and is already established in his career. I thought for sure then that he would be a more serious person because of that. I guess not.

[Redhead14]

So, even though he spoke about our "future" plans interns of a relationship or getting to know each other doesn't mean that he categorized me as "girlfriend material." How would you be able to know clearly which category you are in on the first date, since that's when they decide it.

 

Also, he's actually 29 and is already established in his career. I thought for sure then that he would be a more serious person because of that. I guess not.

 

he's actually 29 and is already established in his career. I thought for sure then that he would be a more serious person -- Don't judge a book by it's cover. In order to know if a book is a good one or one that you would actually enjoy, you have to actually read the pages . . . and that takes a little time. And, he may very well be a more serious person, but he just doesn't want a serious relationship with anyone or maybe just you. Who knows. In the end, it just doesn't matter, does it?

 

You go to the library, you see a book with a good title, by a good writer so you decide to "check it out". You read a chapter or two and you find that the plot is not what you hoped it would be. It's not an awful book apparently because someone published it, it's just that you don't like it.

 

That concept applies to both parties in a dating scenario . . .

[lana-banana]

So, even though he spoke about our "future" plans interns of a relationship or getting to know each other doesn't mean that he categorized me as "girlfriend material."

 

This is correct. He may have been interested in you in the beginning but then changed his mind. At the end of it he thought of you as someone to meet and have sex with, not date.

 

How would you be able to know clearly which category you are in on the first date, since that's when they decide it.

 

You don't! While you can't know everyone, you should be especially cautious during the first three months of dating. You may find things about the other person you don't really like. I guarantee you when you start dating more you'll discover lots of men who seemed perfect at first weren't really that great at all. You're allowed to change your mind. That goes for both parties. It makes dating unpredictable...and frustrating.

 

Also, he's actually 29 and is already established in his career. I thought for sure then that he would be a more serious person because of that. I guess not.

 

He could be a "more serious" person; he just doesn't feel more serious about you. It's not a personal slight. Not everyone is an ideal match for everyone else.

[ToBePampered]

This is correct. He may have been interested in you in the beginning but then changed his mind. At the end of it he thought of you as someone to meet and have sex with, not date.

 

 

 

You don't! While you can't know everyone, you should be especially cautious during the first three months of dating. You may find things about the other person you don't really like. I guarantee you when you start dating more you'll discover lots of men who seemed perfect at first weren't really that great at all. You're allowed to change your mind. That goes for both parties. It makes dating unpredictable...and frustrating.

 

 

 

He could be a "more serious" person; he just doesn't feel more serious about you. It's not a personal slight. Not everyone is an ideal match for everyone else.

 

I understand what you're saying, it's perfectly fine that he changed his mind. I guess I'm just curious because I'm human... Of course none of you would have the answer. But I can't help but think what was it exactly that made him change his mind... and when exactly did it happen because it seemed to happen in an instance.

 

But that's neither here nor there. Thanks for all of your help.

[ToBePampered]

he's actually 29 and is already established in his career. I thought for sure then that he would be a more serious person -- Don't judge a book by it's cover. In order to know if a book is a good one or one that you would actually enjoy, you have to actually read the pages . . . and that takes a little time. And, he may very well be a more serious person, but he just doesn't want a serious relationship with anyone or maybe just you. Who knows. In the end, it just doesn't matter, does it?

 

You go to the library, you see a book with a good title, by a good writer so you decide to "check it out". You read a chapter or two and you find that the plot is not what you hoped it would be. It's not an awful book apparently because someone published it, it's just that you don't like it.

 

That concept applies to both parties in a dating scenario . . .

 

That's a good analogy. Thanks for sharing.

[ToBePampered]

Thanks everyone for answering thus far... it's been really helpful.

 

I can't help but feel a little bit embarrassed by the whole situation... I can't exactly put it into words, but something about this experience frustrated me more than him as a person.

 

Even though this is just one small experience. It almost really makes me not want to date, and to believe that maybe I'm not one of those "lucky" ones who actually come out of this with a positive experience.

 

Maybe that's an attitude adjustment I need to make... but based off of how this has felt, and other experiences that I've had this year. I don't think my spirit is compatible with the craziness that is dating. I may just do a separate post on this...

 

Thanks again everyone