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Lack of courage - approaching THE girl

kalomik

By kalomik
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kalomik New Member

kalomik

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Hi, I'm going crazy here. The story is simple. There's this girl. And there's me. We are in the same school, different classes. We don't really know each other, but, well, I'm totally stunned when I see her crossing by or when our eyes meet. You know, butterflies in stomach and all this stuff. The thing is... I just cannot talk to her. When it comes to the point when I have opportunity, I lose all the courage - courage, which I thought I had much just few minutes earlier. It's driving me crazy. After the situation this freaking "courage" and clear mind come back immediately and all I can do is to be mad at myself all the way back home... It's happening over and over again and everytime I keep saying to myself: no more games, I'll just do it next time. How can I mantain these courage for that brief moment? I mean, it's just first small talk. I'm sure it'll be much easier later, but I just cant start. Also, how do you think - when I finally manage to do it, should I ask her out/ask for her number right away on our first real talk or should I do it next time? Thanks for all help

 

PS: My own conclusion is that I just overthink this whoke thing. I mean, e.g. I have a whole imagination of what I'll say, what it will look like etc. And because of how much I think about this, I am too tensed when it's time to get to know her... Maybe I should just not think about it at all and do it, let's say - automatically? But these are just my thoughts. All I need is something that will help me gain courage at this specific moment.

 

I think that the reason of overthinking is that I just at any cost didn't want to get to a situation where I don't know what to say and where we would just awkwardly stand next to each other, without saying anything. I'm more of a listener than speaker and a situation described above happened to me earlier, with a different girl. I guess that kind of ruined my confidence in that matter.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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This is just like a parachute jump; you just have to jump.

 

Fortune favours the bold.

 

Do it.

 

 

Take care.

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joseb Established Member

joseb

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So she is pretty. Big deal, she's just a girl. Go talk to her.

 

Do you talk to other girls? Perhaps start with that if you are not already doing it.

 

But don't wait forever, right now she might think it's sweet you are too shy to talk to her, give her some time and she will think you are weak.

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kalomik New Member

kalomik

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Yeah, normally I can talk to every other person - men, women, doesn't matter.

So I guess there are no magical advices other than "just do it". That's what I thought from the beginning. Then tomorrow is the big day, I hope :)

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TequilaSunrise85 Member

TequilaSunrise85

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Heh, having a bit of the same problem myself. I found out I can talk to blondes, as I've never really been into them....not to even mention that you can't trust a Lannister. I can assure you, however, that you will feel better having talked with her whatever the outcome. Sooooo much better knowing than wondering. Plus, consider that you deserve to know if shes even someone you actually like, and you can only do that by talking with her. Make the objective to get to know her. Now, I'll stop being a hypocrite and if you say something tomorrow, I might as well do the same. Good luck bro.

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leogirl876 Established Member

leogirl876

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Whatever you do, don't put people on a pedestal. When you do that, it makes you look weak and they end up not liking you anyway. Treat her like you treat people you're not attracted to. Bring confidence when you talk to her and that'll make her like you. Confidence is so much hotter than looks IMO!

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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OK. You need to stop thinking of her as THE girl. All you know is she looks good. That's it. She may be nothing like you're hoping she'll be. You think she may match the ideal girl in your head, but nobody ever will. So start with admitting you know nothing about her except she goes to your school and you think she's physically attractive, just like all the other guys at your school.

 

Next, she's not THE girl. You are blowing it all up in your mind when she may turn out to be nothing to get excited about at all. You have to talk to her and if you do it from a wildly frightened position, she will not take you at all seriously. That said, talking to her and eventually asking her out is not a marriage proposal! A date is just a date. Talking to her is just talking to her until you find out if you like her personality and see whether she likes yours. So first things first. Talk to her and just be casual. Don't act like you're about to propose. Just find an opportunity to talk to her and see if she seems to like that or not. Then go from there. Good luck.

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slickrick1 New Member

slickrick1

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Just do it. Don't let your dreams be dreams.

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kalomik New Member

kalomik

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Guys... it's so easy. I mean SO EASY. Well, at least now I see that, after I finally made the first little step. Yeah, sure, I was totally stressed out but then I just stopped thinking about anything and approached. And that's my advice for everybody who'll have the same problem. Just go, just say the first few words. And after that it's really easy. The conversation flows without bigger problems, heart beats slower and calmer. That's a little bit of a paradox that the conversation itself is like a remedy for the fear and lack of courage.

I didn't ask her out, didn't ask for her number. We just chatted, and it was nice, I guess. I had no pressure to rush the meeting etc. but I'm aware that I can't wait too long so I'll do it next time.

So once again, for everyone who have the same problem. Just do it, it's that simple. Say the first few words and if you still have doubts, just force yourself to say these words. You'll get the response. Not from THE girl, like I wrote in the first post, but from a normal human being. Yeah, a human being, just like you :D

Good luck for everyone because I know how stressful it may be but remember my golden rule: First few words! :)

 

@TequilaSunrise85 - how did it go for you?

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kalomik New Member

kalomik

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Hi,

I decided to submit new thread because it's a new dilemma. I'm the guy from this topic: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/594022-lack-courage-approaching-girl

 

So after some time I managed to talk with this pretty girl. We had one brief conversation. She's from school, different class and because of other people hanging out with each of us during the breaks, there's never a good moment to come and talk to her.

I've always thought that I should get to know the girl I'm interested in and then ask her out. But in this situation I don't have such an opportunity. The only time we talked was after school at the bus stop. That's really the only place when I can talk to her and even if I do we have only a few minutes before the bus arrives for one of us. So I don't see a normal way to get to know her.

That's why I thought about asking her out during our next conversation. Ask her out for a coffee and something about "to know each other better". But wouldn't it be a little bit creepy? I mean, we barely know each other.

What do you think about it? Should I go for it or - I don't know - continue with bus stop talks for a few times to know her better? Or maybe I should just ask for her number during the next conversation? But what next? What's the best way to handle this?

bummer Established Member

bummer

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You've heard a few platitudes in your time like "practice makes perfect" or "hang in there" or buzz saying "reach for the stars!" and they all apply to your situation.

 

"Hey, would you like to see a movie this Friday?"

 

"Have you seen xxxx? No? want to see it friday? " Or "Yes? want to see yyyy instead?

 

If you genuinely like coffee, and she genuinely likes it as well, then yes, ask her to coffee. Otherwise think of something short (<2hours) that you mutually like. If you don't know anything about her yet, stick to a few more bus-stop banters first.

 

Realistically, prepare for failure and try, try again. Let us know if you get a date! And no, it's not creepy to want to know someone better.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I have been asked out by total strangers in the grocery store....I think you will be OK.

Mystique01 Established Member

Mystique01

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Short answer???

 

 

YES!!!!

 

Of course it's okay!

 

 

Honestly, this is how a guy quickly becomes a guy NOT in the "friend zone" early on. If a guy waits too long, a girl may just come to view him as a "friend" and nothing more.

 

If you don't feel comfortable asking her out anywhere on your next "bus stop" visit, then I would at least get her number the next time. You can even ask her out via text. But definitely get her number. If she is not interested, she may make an excuse as to why she can't give you her number. You'll know pretty early on if she's interested or not.

 

Even if she's not, at least you don't see her often. Imo this is the easiest situation. Since you DON'T know her that well, taking a rejection would be a lot easier imo. Sounds like you two don't even have the same mutual friends. I see this as a win-win situation imo.

SoThatHappened Established Member

SoThatHappened

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Is it okay to ask her out even if we barely know each other?

 

Think about this: How else would you get to know her?

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joseb Established Member

joseb

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OP, I think you are inventing issues so you don't have to man up and ask her out.

 

Almost anyone asking someone our "hardly knows her"

It's rare to ask out good friends!

 

Just do it already. Your window of opportunity is running out.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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You need to think of how she is feeling. She might be a bit surprised if you don't normally talk to her, but will just want to know you are friendly and not going to pressure her. She is probably noy thinking how nervous you are or how you come across, but more likely concerned about how she is coming across if she's at all shy.

 

The idea is to become a familiar friendly face. I know guys will say you don't want to be her friend because then you get put in the friendzone, but most girls would be uneasy about dating someone they hardly knew. There needs to be some familiarity first.

 

All you need do is to say hello and smile, or ask her if she's ok? If she asks why, you could say 'you looked like you were in deep thought' and smile again. This gives her a cue to say a bit more or laugh about it. Being a familiar face and slightly humorous will put her at ease.

 

Ask her how she is find the subject you are studying at that point. Ask her if she's done her homework. You could even flirt a little and suggest she help you with homework. Just be fun and friendly.

Edited by spiderowl
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Established Member

BronzeAgeJaeger217

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Ya just gotta do it even if you don't feel like it

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kalomik New Member

kalomik

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Thought I would have done it on Friday or today. Yet unfortunately we didn't met on the bus stop each of these days :/ A pity that there's no opportunity now that I am totally aware of what I should do. And it's almost a week since we talked (it was Wednesday). I guess I'll need wait for the opportunity.

 

I thought about adding her on Facebook, since we had no contact since that Wednesday. I don't know what would be the point of that other than "just letting her know that I still exist". I mean, we share some mutual friends etc. But it's just a thought a I don't know if it would be all right?

Yeah, I know. Too much thinking. But it's really tiring to wait...

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kalomik New Member

kalomik

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So, here we go with the conclusion.

 

It didn't work out.

Yeah, that would be the whole conclusion.

 

I have a feeling that it would go better if I haven't overthought every single thing that I was trying to do. Buy I did overthought. And that's all.

So yeah, I guess I'm going forward. There's no point in self-pity.

 

My last lesson for you, all the people that will someday visit this topic with simillar problem.

 

DON'T OVERTHINK. Now you're probably wondering if you're overthinking. If you are wondering, then probably overthinking is your problem, just like mine. Trust me, it ruins everything and the stress gets even bigger because of all those thoughts. Just go, talk to this girl and let it all happen. That's what I'll do next time and I'm sure it will be ten times better.

 

Thank you all, I didn't expect such a big response.

Take care!

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Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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Sorry it didn't work out. For next time, part of your biggest problem that hurt your confidence was assuming she was THE girl. maybe she's just a girl. That will lower the stakes for next time. It will probably take a little bit to find out if anyone is THE girl. Try that thinking next time. It will help

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