He doesn't buy me flowers...why?

[Moka_maverick]

Why don't some guys buy flowers for their girlfriend?

 

I have been dating this guy for over a year and he has yet to buy me flowers. I have mentioned it to him, but he hasn't done it. It is lame. Just makes me wonder if he is too lazy to show gratitude. And yes, there are other ways to show appreciation, and I don't expect him to buy them for me all the time, but surprise me for christ's sake. And they could be picked off the side of the road - it isn't like I expect a $80 bouquet - the amt he spends isn't the issue; it is the fact that the gesture has never occurred to him.

 

He is generous with other things, like his time, and he always makes me great dinners, and plans on taking me on a hiking trip for my upcoming bday, so maybe he shows gratitude in other ways, but if he wanted me to do something for him, I would.

 

What do you guys think? Is he just frickin' lazy, or honestly clueless?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Is he just frickin' lazy, or honestly clueless?

 

Neither. It sounds to me like he shows you plenty of gratitude with trips, dinners, etc...

 

Why are flowers such a dealbreaker for you in an otherwise great relationship?

[alicia24]

Does he do other nice things for you? Seriously, flowers die. I'm sure he does other things that last a whole lot longer than the life of a flower. If you really want flowers, buy them for yourself. Be happy for what you have, not what you wish you had. Some people cant even get a boyfriend, be happy you have one.

[LittleMiss]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Neither. It sounds to me like he shows you plenty of gratitude with trips, dinners, etc...

 

Why are flowers such a dealbreaker for you in an otherwise great relationship?

 

I agree. My bf hasn't bought me flowers. Honestly it's no big deal. He shows his love and admiration for me in other ways. Like voice mails to let me know he's thinking of me or to wish me a good day at school, or taking me out for the weekend, renting a movie and coming over so we can cuddle, or just pulling over while we're driving so he can kiss me.

 

It's the little things that count!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I buy myself flowers all the time.

 

My high-school boyfriend way back when was terrible for this, but really the thought never crossed his mind (not too many did) and he was cheap. My friends' boyfriends always took them out and bought them flowers, so I complained alot and got him very well trained in this area.

 

Even after we broke up (5 yr relationship) he was sending me AND my mom AND my sister flowers to win me back! LOL

[HokeyReligions]

If he brings you flowers because you told or asked him to, will it mean the same to you?

 

My hubby never ever brought or sent me flowers until we had been married for a dozen or so years. I didn't even have flowers at my wedding because no one else thought about it and no one paid any attention when I said I'd like some flowers. The he discovered that the grocery store sells their week-old little bouquets of one or two flowers in celophane with dried baby's breath for a few bucks and he started bringing me those -- which died or fell apart as soon as I tried to put them in water! LOL! I told him NOT to waste money on those. It was another 5 years or so before he had flowers sent to me at my office and it was someone (his step-father) who practically hit him over the head with a blunt statement like "Send Hoke some flowers you idiot!" when they were talking about their respective marriages! It just never occurred to him to do that for me and I HAD mentioned that I like flowers and what my favorite flowers are and he'd seen photos in the album of flowers that were sent to me by others.

 

It's not a big deal to some men, and it wouldn't have meant as much to me if he had brought me flowers that I asked for -- the gesture would have been to myself and he was just the courier!

 

Look at what your guy does in place of bringing you flowers.

[ttjames]

When my g/fs say that they would love some flowers and kept on hinting at flowers I wouldn't buy them. But as soon as they didn't expect them, then I would....

 

I like it to be me giving them because I WANT to, not because she's hounding me to buy them.

[very-confused-girl]

I agree, flowers should not be such a big deal. Non of my boyfriends was really into giving me flowers. They were doing other things - one of them was spoiling me with bars of chocolates and nuts all the time.

 

My father hardly buys a flower for my mom because he claims it is very short-lasting and therefore impractical, he claims he would rather invite for a dinner rather than buying her flowers.

 

My current boyfriend is very much into ecology and nature, he does not buy me flowers, either. He claims - why would he destroy a living organism just to make me happy? But he does other things - on my birthday he bought me a cake, put candles in there, gave me birthday card, lingerie.... he does other romantic stuff like lighting the candles everytime we cuddle in the bed, gives me massage, making love on a banana chair on the beach and stuff like that.

 

In my view you have focused on this little thing that bothers you and you are going to tire your pour boyfriend to death

[HotCaliGirl]

That is not a good thing when, especially, he knows you want flowers, and STILL he doesn't get you any. Sure, he does other things for you, but flowers are so important. Seems like a lot of women here don't mind much if they don't get any, but for some, myself included, it is very important and I would be very upset if my man did not get them for me, especially for Valentine's Day.

 

Why don't you straight out ask him for some? If he doesn't get you any, then maybe he is being passive-agressive. It shouldn't have to be that you straight out ask for them, but otherwise, he is not getting a clue or else is acting dumb about it or trying to hurt you. I don't think it's a laziness issue, but something more serious.

[LittleMiss]

Originally posted by HotCaliGirl

That is not a good thing when, especially, he knows you want flowers, and STILL he doesn't get you any. Sure, he does other things for you, but flowers are so important. Seems like a lot of women here don't mind much if they don't get any, but for some, myself included, it is very important and I would be very upset if my man did not get them for me, especially for Valentine's Day.

 

Why don't you straight out ask him for some? If he doesn't get you any, then maybe he is being passive-agressive. It shouldn't have to be that you straight out ask for them, but otherwise, he is not getting a clue or else is acting dumb about it or trying to hurt you. I don't think it's a laziness issue, but something more serious.

 

Wow! Don't you think that is being a little dramatic. I don't think he's intentionally trying to hurt her or is it a serious issue. It's just flowers. Yeah they're nice to get, but why be so dramatic if you don't get any. He shows his love in other ways. That is what is really important not flowers.

[ttjames]

Yeah.. don't listen to HotCaliGirl.... She probably isn't even that hot anyway... Well not with an attitude like that.

 

he does other things for you, but flowers are so important

 

They are really that important huh???

 

 

else is acting dumb about it or trying to hurt you.

 

Yeah.. that must be it..

 

 

I don't think it's a laziness issue, but something more serious.

 

Sounds like you're ready to dump someone over a few flowers which only last a week and then die!!! wtf??

[Sckott]

Flowers are flowers. I can't remember the last time I gave flowers and it made such a huge impact that I remembered.

 

The flowers go on the table, they die, love goes on. Sounds like a great guy. Soak up that good lovin'. Leave the flowers for the garden. In fact, why not get yourself some flowers for the dinner table?

[HotCaliGirl]

Calm down ttjames - don't make a personal attack on me when you don't know me or what I look like so chill out.

I said that to some women, such as myself, flowers mean a lot. Just like to some people, other things can mean a lot. We may comprise .0001% of the population, but we exist. I respect how others feel on all other things, and it is immature to attack someone about what they feel about something!!!

 

That is GREAT that everyone so far could care less about getting flowers - to each their own feelings and opinions... To me, they are actually important and I should be able to express that without being told I'm not hot or whatever your opinions may be on my physical features. Maybe take a sip of wine or something so you're not so bitter and smell the roses.

[HokeyReligions]

ttjames, just because something is not important to you, does not discount its importance to someone else.

 

If they are really important then they need to be discussed. Her bf may not realize just how important that particular gesture is to her. He also needs to understand that he does not set the level of importance for others. If he, or you, can't understand that someone has a different idea of what it important; and he (or you) does not care enough about the other person's feelings to want to make them happy - even if they (or you) disagree with the other person's priorities -- then the problem is not in the flowers or the gesture, but in communication and understanding.

[EC]

I admit that flowers once in a while would be nice but like other posters said they are not that important.

 

He does dinners and other things for you which show you even more how important you are to him. For a guy to sit there and plan a hiking trip for his gf's B-day..I mean wow c'mon thats so great!

 

I feel that its not only flowers..you want the little things that say I love you.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by ttjames

When my g/fs say that they would love some flowers and kept on hinting at flowers I wouldn't buy them. But as soon as they didn't expect them, then I would....

 

I like it to be me giving them because I WANT to, not because she's hounding me to buy them.

 

If a girl is hinting or even outright saying that she likes and wants flowers from her guy, she is not only telling him how to be more romantic, she is telling him what she WANTS. Men always say they don't know what their woman wants. But when they tell him, he doesn't want to give it to her because she told him she wants it?

 

The attitude doesn't make sense to me. Sounds like a controlling issue to me.

 

If she wanted you to go down on her, and hounded you and hounded you, would you put her off until you can surprise her? Duh.

 

Flowers are romantic, they smell nice, and they look nice.

[Moka_maverick]

Thanks guys for your input.

 

I know he does things like make dinner and trips, but those benefit him too, so I know he isn't just thinking of me when he does these things...he is thinking of himself too. If he only knew the lovin' he would receive if he would think of bringing me flowers, he would keep doing it...I suppose this gesture would also benefit him.

 

He use to do things like send me vm, leave a message or call and tell he was thinking about me, pull over to the side of the road to kiss me, etc, but now that we have been together over 13 months, it is as though he is lazy. I don't care how long you have been together, if you are happy in the relationship, you want to do nice things for your significant other, to see a smile on there face. I do things for him, but maybe I am too focused on what he hasn't done.

 

My friend just got flowers from her beau and another friend is dating this guy who is spoiling her (new relationship - 3 weeks). I know you can't live in the honeymoon stage forever, but every now and again, a small gesture would be nice.

 

I don't think I hound him about this topic. I have mentioned it once and hinted a couple other times. That's it. Maybe it is a control thing with him? I shouldn't have to tell him I would like flowers, he should just do it cuz he wants to.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I shouldn't have to tell him I would like flowers, he should just do it cuz he wants to.

 

I think you know that its not really the flowers at issue here. Its what they represent to you. You likely have this idea in your mind, that if a man truly loves a woman he will impulsively buy her beautiful flowers (or jewelry, for some women) and present them to her with a romantic flourish - and to you this is what romance is. Not the dinners, not the trips, not the sweet messages, none of that stuff - to you thats 'regular old dating stuff'. You want to see if he's capable of what you think of as the 'romantic' stuff. I expect that you are setting him up in such a way as to test him to see if he measures up to this preset standard of what you deem 'romance' - that's why you can't tell him to buy you flowers because its not the flowers you want. You want him to want to buy you flowers. Unfortunately, you are turning a blind eye to what he sees as romantic and choosing to ignore what he's freely and lovingly done for you in lieu of what you expect him to do for you in order to pass this 'test'. Here's the kicker. He has no way of knowing this, and to him I seriously doubt flowers mean the same that they do to you.

 

So, what do you tell him? Don't tell him to just buy you flowers. Tell him why and tell him what flowers represent to you, what they mean in terms of romance, and why its important to you that he give them to you. If you don't tell him this, its not too likely he's going to just "know". Wouldn't you feel better knowing that he knows this for sure about you - and not just leave yourself sitting around miserable because he doesn't just somehow "know"? He'll know your ideas of romance and love in the relationship - and he won't blow his top because he thinks that you are ready to ditch him and all he's done for you for a handful of flowers. Communication, not flowers: that's what is going to help here.

[HotCaliGirl]

Yeah, I know what you mean...it's the whole thought behind it more than the actual flowers, which yes, will end up dying in a week or sometimes sooner or later. And seeing your girlfriends getting them doesn't help for you to feel better, especially since your boyfriend knows you'd like some too. My first boyfriend in high school always bought me so many flowers that in later relationships, I learned that that was not to be expected with all/most men.

 

It never made me break up with someone because they didn't get me flowers, but it sure makes a difference TO ME, I know not to many others, to receive them. It is something special that to the few women out there, makes us feel loved and thought of.

 

Yes, there are other things that show love and thoughtfulness...flowers is in a separate class in itself for some of us so I feel how you're feeling. It might be a control thing if he in fact does after all know that you would like some and have both told him and hinted it to him. Since he does so many other thoughtful things to you, it's almost out of character for him not to get you flowers.

 

If he wasn't the type to make you dinner and plan out hiking trips etc which you mention, then it would make a little bit more sense that he wouldn't care to get you flowers either - something that shows he is thinking of you, in a way he knows you want to be given that message, and even simpler than all the other things he does so laziness should be ruled out!!!!

 

On the bright side, maybe he is just clueless still and you have to really tell him more explicitly, which might feel demeaning to you, given the fact you've already expressed this to him, and who wants to be in a position to ask for something that should not ideally not have to be asked for?! confusing what to recommend That will be exciting once he does get you some!

[TouchedByMoreThanAnA]

You have to be kidding. I wouldn't buy you flowers either. They're just a gesture and nothing more. I'm so glad my sweety isn't superficial

[crazychick]

Let me just say that men sometimes have a hard time getting the hint. Or they would rather show their love for you in a different way, which it seems like he might be doing. I have a completely different problem though.

 

I am dating this guy that when things are just on the surface, meaning we talk about nonsence and don't ever get involved in any deep discussion, we are fine. We have had our share of problems, have broken up for long periods but keep getting back together. The problem is, I really don't want to be with him. He doesn't treat me very good. I found out 2 months ago that he was addicted to herion and going thru serious withdrawl. I never even knew that he had been using it for months. The only reason that I even found out is because he was trying to get off of it alone and was so sick he could barely move and he needed my help. He says he won't touch the stuff again, but I don't know what to believe. On top of that, I got barely any acknowlegement for my birthday, nothing for christmas even though I got him something. I asked him to meet my family and he said no. Then he said yes but I was so turned off by the whole thing I freaked out. I can go weeks without talking to him but then I miss him for some reason and want him back. I feel sick when he doesn't want to be with me, even though I just feel like this thing is going no where. Why do I feel like this? Why do I want him and not want him at the same time?

[TylerC]

Yeah, I think I got Lauren flowers twice. Once at a show choir competition for after she performed, just a spur of the moment type thing, and the second, I got her a fake rose for Valentine's Day because she doesn't like real flowers since they die.

 

She said she would rather have chocolate.

[HokeyReligions]

Let me share with you a little about the giving of flowers.

 

Many years ago society was not as wealthy as it is now. Society did not have disposable everything. Society didn't go out and buy a new gizmo if they could possibly fix the old one, or they learned to do without. The giving of something perishable was a symbol of wealth and/or prosperity. Not necessarily all financial, but of signifying that the crops were good this year and we won't starve type of thing.

 

People used to hang real fruit on their Christmas trees for a similar reason. It's like saying I can afford to waste this, or more like I can afford to splurge on something that is not a necessary item .

 

The giving of flowers to a woman is a symbol of how much she means to the man doing the giving. She is a luxury and not a necessity. She's worth the cost. It is an expression of the value of the man's feelings for a woman.

 

Giving gifts of perfume or clothing or jewelry is more financially justifiable and holds some value should need arise. But to give a gift of flowers - they do not nourish because you can't eat them, they serve no purpose other than visual and olfactory pleasure.

 

The meanings have been lost over the years, but the sentiment and tradition have lingered.

[rowi1116]

okay, so some people feel flowers are important- some dont. i believe that they can become important to some people when the fact of When, Where, and Why you receive them comes into play.

Like if it is a holiday such as valentine's day, and everyone around you is receiving flowers, a larger percentage of people will have a greater desire for flowers if they have not received anything else to mark the occassion. Sure if you got an engagement rink, flowers would be cupcake compared to it.

It is probably more involved in what your past experiences are that influence your idea of their significance now....

TTJAMES should not be making judgment on HOTCALIGIRL on the posts. SHare your opinion, because that is what everyone is here to do. let the original Poster make the call on what advice he/she finds fits the situation. lets not toss harsh remarks at others. thanks

[clynn]

How funny.

 

I went out with a guy for a long time that paid me good attention, bought me nice presents for my birthday.

 

He bought me flowers two or three times when we first went out.

 

Then after that he bought me stuffed animals. Always a stuffed animal. I got #!@ing sick of stuffed animals! I wanted flowers too! And I even said if the dying thing didn't work for him, I would love a plant. I didn't like stuffed animals!

 

Sounds selfish I know. Believe me, it was a long time before I gently mentioned I would like flowers. He said teh reason he never got them for me after the first while in our relationship was because he knew I wanted them. ?????

 

Then after I broke up with him (for many many many other reasons), he bought me the most beautiful bouquet ever!

 

too little too late.

 

Like I said though it had a lot to do with other things other than the flowers. They were symbolic of many other problems in our relationship, on my side, adn, apparently also on his (since he said he didn't want to give me what I wanted).