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He might bring a friend along on our date.... what does this mean? [updated]

venusinlibra

By venusinlibra
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venusinlibra Established Member

venusinlibra

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Met the guy a few weeks ago. We're both in our mid 30's. We planned to rent a boat and go to the lake this weekend with a few people and their kids. After making plans, he seemed to want sex in addition to spending time together, but I declined because I had a uti. He called me his "main squeeze" before I declined sex, then the next morning, when I asked what it meant, he said jokingly to forget he said that. I said I had plans to go out that night and he wanted to know who with and where I was going, but I remained coy. We talked about "main squeeze" and sex again, and I said that I'd never have sex with a guy unless I was in a relationship and the only female he is sleeping with, due to std concerns. He said, "well I'm not ready to be exclusive", and I replied, "me neither". I figured he wouldn't come back around, and if he did, he wanted more than just sex.

 

He returned and backed off the sex talk, and our connection got deeper, and we made more future plans. He was asking about my work and was so interested and supportive, even checking on to see how my presentation went.

 

Last night, the weather forecast forced us to make the boat plans for Saturday instead. The other people can't go mow. Today, he said his friend Kevin might go, if it's okay with me. I said yes, but was puzzled.

 

Is he doing this to move us to friend zone or to get his buddy's opinion of me? It would be our fifth date. Is this a sign he is getting closer to wanting exclusivity for us?

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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Instead of saying yes, if you were puzzled, why didn't you ask him about it? :confused:

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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It was supposed to be a group thing. He's keeping it as a group event.

 

Nothing indicates to me that he is more open to an exclusive relationship.

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LydiaLong Established Member

LydiaLong

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The best thing is to ask him. It does seem strange.

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venusinlibra Established Member

venusinlibra

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I didn't mention being puzzled because it all happened so fast and I had to reply quickly.Think a partial motive for bringing the friend is to get the friend's opinion of me?

 

Amyone else have thoughts on the original post above?

anna121 Established Member

anna121

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It suggests he doesn't want to spend alone time with you. After the plans changed it would have been super easy for him to turn it into a real date.

 

To me, it indicates a very casual attitude.

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venusinlibra Established Member

venusinlibra

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Yeah, I'm not liking this. What does he want from me? He knows he won't get laid unless we're in a relationship, and last week said he wasn't ready to be exclusive, yet questions who I'm going out with and where I'm going. Just as I'm typing this, he asked me out for just the two of us tonight. Thoughts?

HereNorThere Established Member

HereNorThere

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What kind of boat are you talking about and do you have experience boating?

 

I just ask because loading and unloading a large boat as well as just docking during the day is really hard for just one person or even two depending on the boat. If you're renting, it gets even worse because one little mistake or scratch can cost you a lot of money.

 

It just seems to me like he just assumed it was a group event and probably needed a little help with the boat.

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venusinlibra Established Member

venusinlibra

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What kind of boat are you talking about and do you have experience boating?

 

I just ask because loading and unloading a large boat as well as just docking during the day is really hard for just one person or even two depending on the boat. If you're renting, it gets even worse because one little mistake or scratch can cost you a lot of money.

 

It just seems to me like he just assumed it was a group event and probably needed a little help with the boat.

 

Actually, I just found out that he owns the boat and it fits ten people. He had the boating event planned before he met me, and we started adding things on together, like packing lunches for people, having fireworks, etc. But we are picking up the friend from another dock, thus we'll already be in the boat alone.

 

Am I just overreacting?

mrs rubble Established Member

mrs rubble

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Actually, I just found out that he owns the boat and it fits ten people. He had the boating event planned before he met me, and we started adding things on together, like packing lunches for people, having fireworks, etc. But we are picking up the friend from another dock, thus we'll already be in the boat alone.

 

Am I just overreacting?

Maybe he thinks you might like Kevin instead. Who knows. Have a great time, enjoy the outing.

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venusinlibra Established Member

venusinlibra

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It seems weird to ask me out for tonight if he thinks I'd go for his friend instead. Wonder why he kept asking about who I was going out with and where if he isn't ready to be exclusive? I thought for sure he'd disappear after I told him I'd never sleep with a guy unless we were in a relationship. Since he didn't, what's that mean?

Maybe I'm just over thinking it all....should I skip out on the boating tomorrow?

Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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It seems weird to ask me out for tonight if he thinks I'd go for his friend instead. Wonder why he kept asking about who I was going out with and where if he isn't ready to be exclusive? I thought for sure he'd disappear after I told him I'd never sleep with a guy unless we were in a relationship. Since he didn't, what's that mean?

Maybe I'm just over thinking it all....should I skip out on the boating tomorrow?

 

Yes you are overthinking it. You said you're mid 30's? A bit too old to be obsessing about every tiny detail isn't it? If he wants to be exclusive with you he will offer it to you, if not he won't. No point trying to read tea leaves here. Just stay in the moment and see where it goes.

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mrs rubble Established Member

mrs rubble

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It seems weird to ask me out for tonight if he thinks I'd go for his friend instead. Wonder why he kept asking about who I was going out with and where if he isn't ready to be exclusive? I thought for sure he'd disappear after I told him I'd never sleep with a guy unless we were in a relationship. Since he didn't, what's that mean?

Maybe I'm just over thinking it all....should I skip out on the boating tomorrow?

Maybe Kevin's coming along as his witness then, you said no hanky panky, Kevin might be the chaperone, maybe your date is worried you may accuse him of inappropriate behaviour......but yeah you are over thinking it.

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venusinlibra Established Member

venusinlibra

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Now I hear it's a double-date because Kevin is bringing a girl he's been seeing.....does this change any opinions above?

 

I'm so used to men bailing once they know sex won't be easy to get. This one seems to be sticking around, but I don't know why. What do you think? Does he want more than sex from me?

 

I've been out of the dating game and I guess it's scary to think he might get serious about me. I usually get rid of guys after a few dates or they bail once they don't get any. Committment scares me, actually.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Now I hear it's a double-date because Kevin is bringing a girl he's been seeing.....does this change any opinions above?

 

Committment scares me, actually.

 

That actually sounds fun!

 

What scares you about commitment?

 

Not judging I used to be a bit of a commitment phobe myself.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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Now I hear it's a double-date because Kevin is bringing a girl he's been seeing.....does this change any opinions above?

 

I'm so used to men bailing once they know sex won't be easy to get. This one seems to be sticking around, but I don't know why. What do you think? Does he want more than sex from me?

 

I've been out of the dating game and I guess it's scary to think he might get serious about me. I usually get rid of guys after a few dates or they bail once they don't get any. Committment scares me, actually.

 

It's only been a few weeks and you're obsessing too much. Just enjoy the moment and stop trying to forecast and speculate. You're only going to self-sabotage with this kind of behavior.

 

There are men that will go along, for as long as it takes just to get sex. So some men bail and some don't when it comes to sex.

 

You're all over the place. First you're questioning exclusivity. Now you're afraid of commitment. I can't imagine how you're going behave once you've become intimate with him or when things start moving forward.

Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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I'm so used to men bailing once they know sex won't be easy to get. This one seems to be sticking around, but I don't know why. What do you think? Does he want more than sex from me?

 

I've been out of the dating game and I guess it's scary to think he might get serious about me. I usually get rid of guys after a few dates or they bail once they don't get any. Committment scares me, actually.

 

Yeah so here's a rather large looming indicator that maybe dating isn't what you should be doing right now. It sounds like you have a lot of internal conflict and perhaps your 'standards' are really just your subconscious way of keeping men at bay? If so, then you've got to kind of ask yourself why you are dating at all and what that fear of being in a relationship is all about. It's not marriage, it's just a sexual relationship.

JewelD Established Member

JewelD

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first, I want to say that it's completely normal to overthink things, at any age. Literally everybody does it at some point.

 

But in regards to your situation, I think you should ask yourself what you want from this guy. You say you're afraid of commitment, but you also told him you would not have sex with him if you weren't in a relationship. So it sounds like you're not interested in casual sex and possibly not committing to a relationship.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the vibe that you would entertain a relationship with him if things went well right? Otherwise there's no reason to be going out with this guy unless you just want a friend.

 

Anything can happen, but he's made it pretty clear what he wants. He might be thrown off and fall in love with you, but most likely, he thinks he might be able to change your mind about the casual sex.

 

This is always hard, but I think things will be easier if you just lower your expectations. Don't look at him as a potential bf, just look at him as someone you're having an experience with. That way, if it doesn't pan out, you won't be too bothered by it. << this sounds good in theory but it really is hard to act like it's not a big deal if you find yourself liking someone.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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first, I want to say that it's completely normal to overthink things, at any age. Literally everybody does it at some point.

 

But in regards to your situation, I think you should ask yourself what you want from this guy. You say you're afraid of commitment, but you also told him you would not have sex with him if you weren't in a relationship. So it sounds like you're not interested in casual sex and possibly not committing to a relationship.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the vibe that you would entertain a relationship with him if things went well right? Otherwise there's no reason to be going out with this guy unless you just want a friend.

 

Anything can happen, but he's made it pretty clear what he wants. He might be thrown off and fall in love with you, but most likely, he thinks he might be able to change your mind about the casual sex.

 

This is always hard, but I think things will be easier if you just lower your expectations. Don't look at him as a potential bf, just look at him as someone you're having an experience with. That way, if it doesn't pan out, you won't be too bothered by it. << this sounds good in theory but it really is hard to act like it's not a big deal if you find yourself liking someone.

 

I agree with this.

 

What are you looking for, OP?

kidm Established Member

kidm

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OP, you want to be exclusive with this guy but have a fear of commitment? I get the sense you like this guy and are hoping he wants to be exclusive with you. You'll just have to be patient and see what happens. Some guys will bail after being told no sex until a relationship has been established, others will stick around until they get sex and bail, and others will genuinely want to get to know you and build a relationship. Go with flow, observe him and do what is best for you. Stop trying to find meaning in everything he says or does or else you'll drive yourself crazy.

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venusinlibra Established Member

venusinlibra

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I met him when I least expected, and really liked him, so decided to date him. I always was scared of commitment, but do feel otherwise with him- that unfamiliar territory is what is scary for me.

 

We talked last night, and I said how I have to be in a relationship before having sex because of std's, but don't mind the "exclusive" fwb I've had before. He said we'd have to be in an exclusive relationship with me in order to agree to having sex with only me. He said he's probably going to be like that for awhile.

 

Yet he told me that he stopped dating others since he met me, hasn't had sex since he met me, and appears to not want me to go out with other men. He's asked me to a friend's wedding and to meet his family. He also told me about some traumatic things from childhood and that he has hardly any self-confidence. He actually was a virgin up until 2 years ago. Does this all seem like mixed messages?

 

I mentioned last night that we were on different pages about sex, and since he wouldn't be getting it from me, that maybe we should stop seeimg eachother. He seemed shocked then said he wants to keep seeing me even if we don't have sex. He held me close all night long,ore thsn usual, and even walked me into the bathroom a few times since I couldn't see due to it beong dark and not wearing my contacts. In the morning, I might have messed up. I did kind of want sex and we started messing around. I said jokingly that I really want to go on that boat today, but if I had sex with him right there's no reason for him to take me because he got what he wanted (sex).

 

Obviously, this thread topic changed a bit. Thanks everyone for helping me figure out my feelings. Now, how do I recover and proceed so not to ruin things with him?

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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This guy has serious emotional issues and I don't think he is particularly nice. He sounds weird.

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venusinlibra Established Member

venusinlibra

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This guy has serious emotional issues and I don't think he is particularly nice. He sounds weird.

 

What makes you think this? Just curious. It helps, because I've been feeling like the unstable, mean and weird one. Always quick to blame myself, I guess.

 

Forgot to mention his last "relationship" was for 4 to 5 months and she lived there but they were never officially in a relationship. He said she wanted to get married (yet it was never a real relationship), but he didn't want to get married- to her. Lol. Does it seem like he wants a relationship without the restrictions that come with defining it as such?

Edited by venusinlibra
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Anything can happen, but he's made it pretty clear what he wants. He might be thrown off and fall in love with you, but most likely, he thinks he might be able to change your mind about the casual sex.

.

 

Yes actions speak louder than words, he told you he doesn't want to be exclusive, yet you continue to see him and arrange to go out with him, what does that tell him?

It tells him the "exclusive" thing doesn't mean that much to you, it tells him that not being exclusive is no big deal to you.

You "messing around" with him tells him he is in with a chance, so he sticks around.

 

Exclusive is no big deal, it just means neither of you are sleeping with other people, if he refuses to put the "exclusive" label on your "relationship", he is either sleeping with other women or he wants to sleep with other women. If that is OK with you then fine, if it isn't, then there is no point in continuing until you get seriously hurt here.

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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What makes you think this? Just curious. It helps, because I've been feeling like the unstable, mean and weird one. Always quick to blame myself, I guess.

 

Forgot to mention his last "relationship" was for 4 to 5 months and she lived there but they were never officially in a relationship. He said she wanted to get married (yet it was never a real relationship), but he didn't want to get married- to her. Lol. Does it seem like he wants a relationship without the restrictions that come with defining it as such?

He bends whichever way the wind blows, he tells you one thing then changes it. He either has absolutely no idea what he wants or he is a liar or he is just incapable of being emotionally secure to stick with something.

 

I think anyone that remained a virgin until their 30s is probably weird. Most people have the desire for close romantic relationships, especially when young and they are almost impossible to avoid in your teens and 20s. I don't think people who are capable of and want emotional connections wait until they hit their 30s.

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