Matthew245 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) Hi guys, here's my situation: I met this girl 7 months ago (I'm 24 and she's 26). When I met her she was officially married (and still is) with another guy. She moved abroad to change her life, because she was having problems with her husband for over a year, and that's when she met me. We dated all this time. In the meantime she was still talking with her husband almost on a daily-basis. She always said she feels great with me and that she's very happy, but she never had the courage to leave him. A couple of days ago her husband came here, without telling her, because he wanted to make her a surprise. Now she's with him and doesn't know what to do. The husband knows about me and her, she talks about it everyday, and his response was 'feel free to date him, but I will stay here with you'. I want to points out the fact that her husband is unemployed and almost don't have any money now. She doesn't have the courage to leave him and, on the other hand, he will never leave her because he depends on her, economically. I also need to say that she's always been very unsure about her feelings. For example, the other day she wrote me that she misses me so much and that I can't leave her, because I'm the most beautiful thing that ever happened to her. A couple of hours later, she wrote me that maybe is better if we don't see each other anymore and that I need to leave her so that she can suffer from it, because that's what she deserves. I saw her today for like 10mn and after that she wrote that we cannot see each other anymore. An hour later, she wrote me again saying I'm important to her but she's not 100% sure about her feelings. She said that if she would've single, we would've been officially together by now. But given the situation, she doesn't know if she should leave her husband for me. She's making me crazy. What should I do? Thank you! Edited March 31, 2016 by Matthew245 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 She's making me crazy. What should I do? Thank you! You should back away. They probably argue and then she wants you. They make up and she doesn't want you. She really has no reason to stay with him but she does. This is a married couple and anything could happen. I would suggest you leave her alone until she files for divorce and lives alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 She's married... sorry but unless she's single or planning to be single, then I think she's just enjoying the company of you and is cheating on her husband, you know, the guy she loved enough to marry. She's made it quite clear she isn't going to leave him for you so unless you're happy with a FWB situation I would run away from this one. Be honest with yourself, you happy to share and eventually lose her for good? This isn't someone who's unsure about their feelings, this is someone who is married and is having an affair. Another thing that worries me is the husband being okay with you around. I get the feeling he fell for her sometime ago but maybe she liked to play the field so he accepted her the way she is, and that's how it is between them two. You may be just another fling for her and something he has to put with on a yearly basis. Don't be like him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 What you should do? It seems obvious to me, leave her. You're just entertainment to her, a band-aid on her wound. You will be the big loser at the end of all this. Do you really want to be with a woman of such poor character? She is married, dating, going back and forth with husband, dating you while she lives under the same roof as her husband, it's written trash all over this woman. If EVER one day she leaves him for you, I ASSURE you eventually she will do the same to you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 What should I do? leave married women alone for starters... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matthew245 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 They probably argue and then she wants you. They make up and she doesn't want you. She really has no reason to stay with him but she does. Well, yes. They have an awful relationship. It's always been like that but now it's even worse. The argue about anything in a violent way. The funny thing is that she’s been 7 months complaining about her husband with me, because she said he treats her like rubbish, but in all this time nothing changed. He would go mad, treat her in an awful way and then she’d cry and eventually forgive him. Over and over. I really don't know what's keeping her from leave him. But that's the way it is. @smudge21, Gaeta: I guess you're right. The sad thing is that I gave her everything I had, but in the end I'll probably be the one who will be left alone. Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Reality sucks, especially when we fall for someone and it turns out they're nothing like we wanted them to be when we stuck them on that pedestal. You also got to remember, that she could just be feeding you lines to keep you sweet and her relationship with hubby could be non-stop swingers parties and unicorns, with you as the next gift for Z. Just because we're honest and respectful to others, doesn't mean we always get treated the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 They have an awful relationship. It's always been like that but now it's even worse. The argue about anything in a violent way. The funny thing is that she’s been 7 months complaining about her husband with me, because she said he treats her like rubbish, but in all this time nothing changed. He would go mad, treat her in an awful way and then she’d cry and eventually forgive him. Over and over. She uses you as her emotional tampon. She comes to you to unload, then she goes back to him and deals with him until he makes her mad, then she comes back to unload. Rinse and repeat. I really don't know what's keeping her from leave him. But that's the way it is. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM. That is the plain and simple truth. Plenty of women divorce unemployed husbands. For whatever sick, dysfunctional reason, she doesn't want out of her marriage because she is getting something out of it that is not apparent to you. Who stays in anything where they're not getting anything out of it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 leave married women alone for starters... What should you do....find someone single!!!! Trade places with her H....how would you feel about a guy courting your wife???? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Well, yes. They have an awful relationship. It's always been like that but now it's even worse. The argue about anything in a violent way. The funny thing is that she’s been 7 months complaining about her husband with me, because she said he treats her like rubbish, but in all this time nothing changed. He would go mad, treat her in an awful way and then she’d cry and eventually forgive him. Over and over. I really don't know what's keeping her from leave him. But that's the way it is. @smudge21, Gaeta: I guess you're right. The sad thing is that I gave her everything I had, but in the end I'll probably be the one who will be left alone. She's in love with her husband and addicted to their drama filled marriage. You will never win her and she will never leave him and he knows this. He really doesn't have any respect for her because she is a cheater and I think she is using you as well as the other men to somehow make her husband jealous. Frankly he doesn't seem to care too much about her except what she can do for him. You need to run away from her as fast as you can. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matthew245 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 For whatever sick, dysfunctional reason, she doesn't want out of her marriage because she is getting something out of it that is not apparent to you. True. Sometimes she says that she can't leave him because he'd be lost without her, and wants to stay with him even thought she doesn't love him anymore (?). It doesn't make any sense to me. You don't stay in a relationship just because you need to take care of the other person. If she was being honest about her feelings, she'd have said to her husband "look, I don't love you anymore but I'm worried about you. what can we do?". You don't drag him in a dead relationship just because you need to take care of him like he was a baby. Instead, she says to me things like "I love you but we can't stay together". Which still doesn't make any sense. You either want to stay with me or not, you're free to do whatever you want. I find almost manipulative from her to say to me things like that. What should you do....find someone single!!!! Trade places with her H....how would you feel about a guy courting your wife???? I know, but she said so many times that she was going to leave him because she was unhappy for a very long time, and then never did. I just stayed around waiting for her to decide and gave her some space. Nothing changed, unfortunately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Well, now that you know she is never going to leave him, it's time for you to be the one with integrity here. It's time to put this down. No more complaining. Just end it. Let her stay with her husband. It's where she wants to be. Block her from contacting you. Married people who talk about wanting to leave their spouses, but never do, generally will seek out someone who will help them cope with remaining with their "unbearable" spouse. You make it possible for to go back to him every night. Now, if you'd nail that door shut and not let her come and dump on you like she has been, she'd be forced to stay with her husband without that outlet and trust me, she will do one of two things: she will find her way to a divorce attorney really quickly or she will find someone else who she can go and dump her dysfunction on. But I wouldn't deal with her until she produced an executed divorce decree and proof her husband was out of her life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 The only reason why she is with you is because she is escaping from her situation. She is just unhappy with her husband because he is jobless, and whatever else is going on between them. They probably have talked and maybe he is telling her to hold on a little longer so he can make things right and work on his situation. She married him for a reason, because she loves him and probably hopes they can make this work, that's why she is pushing you away. It's possible she knows she is only infatuated with you, and her feelings are not true. I agree with everyone, you should just back off give her the space she needs to let her figure out what she wants to do. I know it's tough to back away from someone yo are in love with but as they say, if you love someone let them go, if they come back then it was meant to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 She has chosen that life. She has chosen to be treated that way. Time for you to back away and treat yourself with some respect. Stop answering her calls/ texts. Do not call or text her. She kept saying things to keep you dangling but when push came to shove she DID nothing about it. Actions speak louder than words. Never forget that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Quote: Originally Posted by kgcolonel View Post What should you do....find someone single!!!! Trade places with her H....how would you feel about a guy courting your wife???? I know, but she said so many times that she was going to leave him because she was unhappy for a very long time, and then never did. I just stayed around waiting for her to decide and gave her some space. Nothing changed, unfortunately. I understand but you asked, what should YOU do.....you're the perpetrator regardless of what she says. Until she is single and available, you have no business sniffing around her....yes, she may be confused or she may be playing you, who knows but you can only control your actions....time to jump.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Its the old cliche - married men rarely leave their wives for the OW and married women rarely leave their husbands for the OM. It is never a good idea to get in between two people who have "unfinished business" with each other, you will always get hurt. So pack up your heart, leave then to it, and just keep on walking... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matthew245 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) Today she texted me saying she had a discussion with her husband and she told him that they needs to split. In response the husband started to kick things around the house and just being mad about it. She said to me that his reaction almost paralyze her, but she wants to find the courage to change things, and to please don't leave her, while she solve this. I told her I'm here, but she needs to be sure about her feelings, no matter how the husband reacts. What do you guys think? Edited April 1, 2016 by Matthew245 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Today she texted me saying she had a discussion with her husband and she told him that they needs to split. In response the husband started to kick things around the house and just being mad about it. She said to me that his reaction almost paralyze her, but she wants to find the courage to change things, and to please don't leave her, while she solve this. I told her I'm here, but she needs to be sure about her feelings, no matter how the husband reacts. What do you guys think? Same as I did before... I think you need to stop this. Stop chasing her, stop answering her texts. Until she leaves him and has been single (and divorced) for at least 6 months do not even entertain the idea. Time to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jasmineb Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 If it were me I would tell her that your relationship is over, you wish her well, and when/if she is ever truly single she can look for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matthew245 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 If it were me I would tell her that your relationship is over, you wish her well, and when/if she is ever truly single she can look for you. Knowing her, she'll say that if I truly love her, I'll wait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Knowing her, she'll say that if I truly love her, I'll wait. To screw with your head and keep you dangling... What has actually changed? NOTHING What has she done to make things happen so she can be with you? NOTHING All she has done is mess with your head and you have let her. Stop it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jasmineb Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Knowing her, she'll say that if I truly love her, I'll wait. This is a manipulative thing to say, so if she does then it should confirm that leaving is the right thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 What do you guys think? I think that are being used as a pawn in the game that this married couple are playing. Walk away and leave them to play the game without you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matthew245 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) This is a manipulative thing to say, so if she does then it should confirm that leaving is the right thing. That's indeed what she says. Can confirm it now. @Toodaloo & Satu: She texted me just now saying that the husband wants to meet me and that we can go out the three of us, one of those days, and that he doesn't have any problems with it. Things are getting weird... I don't want anybody to get hurt. He might not have any bad intentions, but what can I know. Edited April 1, 2016 by Matthew245 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Knowing her, she'll say that if I truly love her, I'll wait. Then you tell her if she truly loves you she will divorce. Don't let her get away with this. You would be in the right, not her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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