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So I guess I was wrong [update! 2016-06-08]


Renae

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So I have just got back into dating after a divorce. I only dated one other guy before I met my ex husband. I haven't dated since I was 19, and I am 33. I gave myself some time and got into OLD. Met someone for a few beers and since our first date we see each other everytime I dont have my kids, which works out to 2-3 days a week. This has been going on since Sept. He is 43, divorced in his mid twenties, and said he last serious relationship was 9 years ago.

 

After reading here i am scared he netflixed and chilled me, that he is a commit phobe, and that the relationship is doomed becuase it didnt start out how things should go according to posters on this site.

 

We have not had any what are we conversation? We don't talk about what we are looking for. We didn't follow any sort of rules on who text when, and mirroring, or anything like that. We went on our first date, I texted him immediately afterwards and said I had a great time, and he asked when I was free again. Most of our beginning dates were at his house, where we made dinner together, while chatting and watched a movie afterwards. Now we spend weekends with each other, hang out with each other's friends, and i really feel like i am fall in in love with him.

 

This relationship now just seems so out of the norm that I feel like I am missing something. Is there anything else I should be aware of? I feel like I am not doing this right? Is it too late to have the what are we talk? I have no idea if he is seeing other people. I just kinda assumed he wasnt. Should be concerned that he has been single for so long. When I asked him why he was single, which was kinda rude to ask, he said he choses to be and that he just doesnt want to settle. He is looking for the right person. Things have been really amazing, and I just fear I am missing something, due to my absolute cluelessness when it comes to dating. Any advice for a brand new dater at 33yrs old.

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Any plans for Valentine's Day?

 

You've been dating for five months, apparently spend time at each other's homes and hang out with each other's friends.

 

Sounds pretty involved to me. What are your relationship goals? Sounds like you're a mom and have a cooperative ex whom you're co-parenting with.

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We don't have any Valentines Day plans per se. Typically I tell him what days I don't have my kids and those are the days we get together. So I am going over there tomorow night and Saturday into sunday. Then Sunday I tell him my schedule and then we go from there.

 

As for my relationship goals. Well, when I first met him I didn't think it would go anywhere. The likelyhood that the first guy I met from OLD would turn out to be a great match was kinda impossible. I thought it was going to be getting drinks and then see where it goes. I really didn't think it would be as involved as it has been. We just hit it off and have spent all my child free days with him, for months.

 

I really like him. I feel 100% at ease with him, which is great becuase I am a pretty anxious person. I have always just felt safe with him. I really like him and would like things to continue. I don't have any desire to see anyone else. I do tell him I really like spending time with him. He says the same, but there hasn't been I love you's or declarations of you are the one for me.

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I wanted to add that the last two weeks I have also met up with him and got a sitter for the night, becuase it was a day I was supposed to have my kids. So I am showing him that I am willing to get a sitter, so we can see each other more.

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My suggestion is to have that talk. If you are sexually involved and you have no idea if he is seeing other people or not, that would be concerning to me.

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My suggestion is to have that talk. If you are sexually involved and you have no idea if he is seeing other people or not, that would be concerning to me.

 

We are sexually involved. I really didn't realize the talk was a thing until reading here.

Edited by Renae
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Share with him what you want out of a relationship, in general, and ask him how he feels about that.

 

That sounds like a great start.

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I guess all that money I spent on MC left a few communication lessons in its wake. From reading your posts you have all the trappings of a very committed and exclusive relationship. If that's what you want, time to put words to your desires and see where he is on that page. A man who loves you, whether you all have been sharing ILY's or not, will welcome that conversation. If he's in it for the fun and not long-term, then it's good to know that too. Doesn't mean he's wrong or a bad person, rather it clarifies what you each desire and what your goals are. That's good information.

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Since you met online, you should at least have had that talk about both removing your dating accounts. OLD not the best place to look, but so far sounds like you lucked out! One thing I've noticed about OLD, is that there are people who can keep doing that as an ongoing thing for decades. They date, but they keep going back online.

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Welcome to dating! It's so much fun. If you keep reading these posts, you'll probably just want to go back to your ex, thinking it has to be better than all of this. Just kidding. I agree, it's not too late to talk to him about where you're at and what he wants out of the relationship.

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I have been seeing a guy since the middle of September, and since the first meeting I see him 2-3 times a week. More so lately.I tell him when I don't have my kids, and that's when we meet up. Occasionally i have gotten a sitter if he asks me too becuase he wanted to take me somewhere on a certain day. We are very much in a relationship that is moving forward, feeling are getting stronger, etc I have no doubts that he is really into me, but we have never really confirmed our relationship. It just hasn't come up. No ILYS have been exchanged, but niether of us are good at discussing emotions.

 

Anyways I have my kids sunday, but I am free Friday. I want to get him something small for Valentine's day, but I am fairly certain that he probably won't get me anything. He didn't get his parents gifts for Christmas, just not into shopping or planning. He is also extremely swamped at work right now, working 14 hr days. Even though he is that busy he has made sure to find time for seeing me.

 

If I get him something will he feel bad that he didn't get me something? But what if he picks something up for me and I don't have anything for him. I am making cupcakes for my kids' valentine's day parties, so I could give him cupcakes. I thought about texting him and telling him I am not really into Valentines day, that I know he is swamped at work and hates shopping, and that i am teally looking forward to dinner with him friday night. BUT then I worry becuase we really don't have a confirmed relationship that u don't want him to think wtf? We aren't even there yet for gifts.

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You need to talk to him & communicate your expectations. Ask him if you can get together to celebrate valentine's day on Friday. Then ask if he wants to set limits on spending or some such thing that communicates your intent to get him a little something.

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I think the cupcakes are a great idea - don't carry a lot of symbolic weight but still satisfies your desire to get him sth. You can dismiss the potential of him feeling bad for not getting you anything by actually not caring if he gets you anything and genuinely communicating that to him if he brings it up. :)

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You're making a huge assumption. What kind of guy would do absolutely nothing for a woman he's been dating exclusively for five months? Get him a nice card, candy or cupcakes or whatever and maybe a little gift if you feel like it. Plan a nice meal and do something to make it special. I seriously doubt that he'd be such a klutz as to not do anything, but if he doesn't he deserves to feel bad about it. The fact that you haven't declared it an official relationship or said ILUs is irrelevant.

 

Several years ago I had recently broken up with a girlfriend just a couple of months before. I started talking to someone about a week before and we decided to go out for the first time on V-Day rather than sit home alone. I got her a card and a small gift, and she did the same for me. We didn't discuss it, we just knew it was the appropriate thing to do. We didn't continue dating but we had a nice time and we both felt respected and acknowledged.

 

I can't imagine that your bf wouldn't have enough sense to know what's appropriate for the occasion as well.

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You need to talk to him & communicate your expectations. Ask him if you can get together to celebrate valentine's day on Friday. Then ask if he wants to set limits on spending or some such thing that communicates your intent to get him a little something.

 

I think part of the problem is that I don't have any expectations. I don't need to celebrate Valentines Day. It won't bother me if he doesn't get me anything. I dont want him to feel like he should, or after the fact should have, gotten me something.

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This whole commercial industry lead marketing campaign known as Valentines Day is really stressful for so many.

 

 

You are overthinking all this and putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. If you want to give him something, then do so. Don't try to think how he'll react, just do it because you want to do it. If someone is given a gift and they feel bad then that's their problem. From what you say, he'll probably feel the same way about you whether you do or don't. Relationships shouldn't be about what you give each other, but what you mean to each other.

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I dont think it is a huge assumption. He just isn't into that kind of stuff. I would he shocked if he has thought of it at all due to just being himself and swamped at work.

 

 

I am overthinking it. I always do. At least I recognize it as such :)

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He just isn't into that kind of stuff.

 

Because he doesn't think about other people.

 

My father works anything up to 18-20 hours a day during his busy seasons I kid you not. My birthday is smack bang in the middle of one of them. He has never once forgotten my birthday. He can't always be there but he makes damned sure that I am remembered. Why? Because my father loves me.

 

When you care about people you make time for them. Even if you can't be there or you are a bit late you make the damned effort.

 

This guy can't even be arsed to get his parents something or delegate to someone else to make sure they have a little something at Christmas to say hey you are my parents and I appreciate you.

 

MAJOR MAJOR red flag.

 

Selfish, self absorbed and it is not ever going to change.

 

You are not over thinking you are training your self to accept being a door mat.

 

Don't.

 

It will not end well for you.

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I don't think he is selfish. Him not getting his parents a gift made me side-eye him a bit, but his other actions don't suggest overtly selfishness. He makes me food I that he knows I will really like, even if he doesnt. He asks me about my day and cares about what's going on. I just don't think he is into gifts at all.

 

But I am thinking on this still.

Edited by Renae
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I told my fiancée that I think we should not celebrate Valentine's Day . It's a made up Holiday not like a birthday. Honestly, too much stress for such a commercial day. What should I get him? What will he get me? Will I be disappointed ? I'd rather skip that noise.

 

I suggest give him cupcakes and write a card . If he doesn't give you anything to can just give him the cupcakes or eat them with the kids. If he gets you something give him both the cupcakes and the card.

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I don't think he is selfish. Him not getting his parents a gift made me side-eye him a bit, but his other actions don't suggest overtly selfishness. He makes me food I that he knows I will really like, even if he doesnt. He asks me about my day and cares about what's going on. I just don't think he is into gifts at all.

 

But I am thinking on this still.

 

That is because he is doing just enough to keep you dangling on the end of the cord... seriously. I learnt the hard way.

 

Watch and learn. He can't be bothered with his parents he sure as heck will not be bothered with you.

 

It will hurt when you realise this.

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Bullsht. Vday and Xmas are both made up, commercial holidays. I won't be guilted into buying more useless junk to fill up someone's home. It's obvious by the lame irony of everyone giving each other gift cards. "Here's $20, now give me $20 back. That means we both care about each other, right?"

 

I'm not careless when I don't buy my Mom a Xmas gift. She doesn't care so why should I? Maybe conformist women want conformist boyfriends.

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That is because he is doing just enough to keep you dangling on the end of the cord... seriously. I learnt the hard way.

 

This is my biggest fear in all of this. What othersigns were there that you look back on and think yep should have seen it?

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