longest relationship yet...is it worth it?

[SweetCharity]

Those of you who have read my prior posts have seen I have the absolute worst luck and/or habits with men. I've made terrible mistakes and put up with bs most women would never put up with. I've also been unlucky. Finally the universe forced me to take a break from men. I saw a doctor and she told me I might have cervical cancer. I had surgery and was under strict orders not to bone anyone for 5 weeks. So I didn't bone people.

 

And within that time span I met someone through my sister and he shortly became my boyfriend. We were able to connect on a deeper level and actually waited a bit before having sex. He texts me every morning, had me meet his family and takes me out all the time. One day he even brought me flowers.

 

Well.

 

Last night, two months in, he gave me the ol' "I'm rushing things" line. That not every couple spends every weekend together. That I'm already saying I love you after only two months (to be fair I only said it one and I was drunk). I y told him it was a misstep on my part and that I was following his lead. In fact, he s the one that invited me to come over twice during the week! He shortly left my house and I cried whilst doing my laundry wondering if I should nip this in the bud. I've heard that Swan song before.

 

He just texted me today saying he was sorry for how he behaved last night. I told him I was sorry too though I don't know if I should be or what I should do. I can never get a read in him. I've done my best not to be too demanding or needy and this is what feels like my 100th rodeo. my sister says I should grow a back Bone and assert myself. That he can't tell me how I should feel and not to waste my time if he doesn't want to spend time with me.

 

Thoughts?

Edited December 21, 2015 by SweetCharity

[acrosstheuniverse]

Back off, date other people, be busy and not so available. If he genuinely has had a complete change of heart and no longer feels like things are going too fast, he'll realise what he's about to lose and make it clear that he wants to be with you and won't give you the push back again.

 

It's never usually a good sign when someone gives you the 'we see each other two much' when he's already taken you to meet his family and you've been intimate, unless you are genuinely seeing each other to the extent where you're neglecting your other daily responsibilities.

 

By backing off you'll allow him to set his comfortable level of seeing each other, and you can decide if that's enough for you at this stage or not. But after two months, if a drunken ILY is enough to scare him off I think he was probably having second thoughts already. Assert yourself by backing off, it's what he's asked of you. It'll show you're not afraid to live without him, which will make you more attractive seeing as he's already feeling crowded by you wanting to see him 'too much'.

[SweetCharity]

Back off, date other people, be busy and not so available. If he genuinely has had a complete change of heart and no longer feels like things are going too fast, he'll realise what he's about to lose and make it clear that he wants to be with you and won't give you the push back again.

 

It's never usually a good sign when someone gives you the 'we see each other two much' when he's already taken you to meet his family and you've been intimate, unless you are genuinely seeing each other to the extent where you're neglecting your other daily responsibilities.

 

By backing off you'll allow him to set his comfortable level of seeing each other, and you can decide if that's enough for you at this stage or not. But after two months, if a drunken ILY is enough to scare him off I think he was probably having second thoughts already. Assert yourself by backing off, it's what he's asked of you. It'll show you're not afraid to live without him, which will make you more attractive seeing as he's already feeling crowded by you wanting to see him 'too much'.

 

It boggles my mind because I don't try to see him all the time. It's only during the weekend that I'll make a suggestion or ask him out, which I find to be reasonable. For the most part I let him steer that boat. He'll ask me over for dinner with his parents (who love me by the way). He even invited me to his work holiday party, which was a black tie affair.

 

The only time I was upset he wouldn't come over was because I was home alone in a neighborhood where someone was recently murdered and heard people have been frequently breaking in. He said he would at first but at the last minute bailed because he didn't feel like it. That one time.

 

I plan on backing off. He did text me, "good morning beautiful" today as if nothing happened. Later he apologized but I don't plan on asking him out anytime soon. I'm even tempted to tell him to just spend Christmas without me, though it will break my heart to do so. But I do have my own family to spend time with. I just feel I'm getting mixed signals.

 

As for seeing other people...I'm not sure that's a good idea. He was cheated on by his ex wife so sleeping with other people is a deal breaker for him and we are technically in an exclusive relationship. I also have no desire for that sort of headache again anyway. We'll see.

[basil67]

It boggles my mind because I don't try to see him all the time. It's only during the weekend that I'll make a suggestion or ask him out, which I find to be reasonable. For the most part I let him steer that boat. He'll ask me over for dinner with his parents (who love me by the way). He even invited me to his work holiday party, which was a black tie affair.

 

The only time I was upset he wouldn't come over was because I was home alone in a neighborhood where someone was recently murdered and heard people have been frequently breaking in. He said he would at first but at the last minute bailed because he didn't feel like it. That one time.

 

I plan on backing off. He did text me, "good morning beautiful" today as if nothing happened. Later he apologized but I don't plan on asking him out anytime soon. I'm even tempted to tell him to just spend Christmas without me, though it will break my heart to do so. But I do have my own family to spend time with. I just feel I'm getting mixed signals.

 

As for seeing other people...I'm not sure that's a good idea. He was cheated on by his ex wife so sleeping with other people is a deal breaker for him and we are technically in an exclusive relationship. I also have no desire for that sort of headache again anyway. We'll see.

 

SweetCharity, you're over invested in this guy. It's very early days and you're already seeing things you don't like. And he's pulling away.

 

I know that instinct might be to try an analyse what went wrong, but you'd be far wiser to put your efforts into being a lot more selective with the things you put up with.

 

Also, I note that he apologised to you and you apologised back...but you're not sure if you should be sorry. Why did you apologise if you're not genuinely sorry? If you're not sorry - or unsure - then don't give a disingenuous apology.

[clia]

Don't start dating others, but pull back. Let him initiate. He already thinks things are moving too quickly (whether they are or not), so just let him set the pace. See where things are in a month.

[thecrucible]

I agree with the posts here. It's best to step back and see what he does. I also see what your sister might mean about asserting yourself as by letting him know what you expect, he'll know whether he wants to stick around or not (you can do this in a pretty straightforward and non-clingy way). It just means saying early on that you are looking for something longer-term. A lot of guys will just stick around and not tell you what they are actually thinking and go along with things as long as they are enjoying the benefits of your interactions.

 

You say you can't read on him. Is it only the drunken 'I love you' comment that's made you doubt things, or are is there something else?

[SweetCharity]

You say you can't read on him. Is it only the drunken 'I love you' comment that's made you doubt things, or are is there something else?

 

Well, he doesn't really express his feelings in person. He'll call me beautiful or say something cheesy through text, but in person it's like pulling teeth getting him to reveal anything that's on his mind. Sometimes I feel like he's not really present.

 

His libido is also significantly lower than mine. It's hard wanting someone who feels like sex can be a chore most of the time.

 

And he's technically still married. They have been separated for 9 months but I fear that maybe it will scare him from wanting to commit in the future. He married so young.

 

These are my concerns but I feel he's worth giving another chance. He's the first guy I've dated in a long time that I truly liked and who's treated me well. I think that deserves the benefit of the doubt.

 

UPDATE: He just asked me to NYE. He's been texting me nonstop like nothing happened. Maybe it wasn't as big a fight to him as it was to me.

[SweetCharity]

SweetCharity, you're over invested in this guy. It's very early days and you're already seeing things you don't like. And he's pulling away.

 

I know that instinct might be to try an analyse what went wrong, but you'd be far wiser to put your efforts into being a lot more selective with the things you put up with.

 

Also, I note that he apologised to you and you apologised back...but you're not sure if you should be sorry. Why did you apologise if you're not genuinely sorry? If you're not sorry - or unsure - then don't give a disingenuous apology.

 

I hardly count two months as "early days." It's the longest I've been in a relationship with anyone in a while.

 

I apologized because I didn't know what else to say and I didn't exactly handle our fight gracefully. He had texted me at work and I wanted to be polite. Idk. I'm kind of a push over.

[fitnessfan365]

SC, I've kept up w/your old posts. Now I'll give it to you that your dating history sucks. But let's be honest. These were decisions that YOU made and mistakes that YOU keep repeating. So at the very least accept some of the blame/responsibility. The majority of the guys you've mentioned made their intentions pretty clear from the get go, but you slept with them on dates 1 or 2 anyways. That isn't "bad luck" it's poor decision making.

 

However, it is nice that you're finally catching a bit of a break. Hopefully it continues to go well.

 

My only advice at this point would be to try and leave the past in the past. Since you finally met a guy you connected with, it's causing you to 1) Latch on a bit too strong and 2) Freak out over things that aren't that big of a deal. Like you said, he just invited you to NYE. So be in the present and just take it day by day. Good luck!

[Leigh 87]

The last guy who said he feared that things were "moving too fast" also apologised.

 

He then promptly broke up.

 

When a guy falls hard for you, 2 months is NOT too soon to fall in love and say it.

[Redhead14]

Those of you who have read my prior posts have seen I have the absolute worst luck and/or habits with men. I've made terrible mistakes and put up with bs most women would never put up with. I've also been unlucky. Finally the universe forced me to take a break from men. I saw a doctor and she told me I might have cervical cancer. I had surgery and was under strict orders not to bone anyone for 5 weeks. So I didn't bone people.

 

And within that time span I met someone through my sister and he shortly became my boyfriend. We were able to connect on a deeper level and actually waited a bit before having sex. He texts me every morning, had me meet his family and takes me out all the time. One day he even brought me flowers.

 

Well.

 

Last night, two months in, he gave me the ol' "I'm rushing things" line. That not every couple spends every weekend together. That I'm already saying I love you after only two months (to be fair I only said it one and I was drunk). I y told him it was a misstep on my part and that I was following his lead. In fact, he s the one that invited me to come over twice during the week! He shortly left my house and I cried whilst doing my laundry wondering if I should nip this in the bud. I've heard that Swan song before.

 

He just texted me today saying he was sorry for how he behaved last night. I told him I was sorry too though I don't know if I should be or what I should do. I can never get a read in him. I've done my best not to be too demanding or needy and this is what feels like my 100th rodeo. my sister says I should grow a back Bone and assert myself. That he can't tell me how I should feel and not to waste my time if he doesn't want to spend time with me.

 

Thoughts?

 

You have responsibility in setting the pace of a relationship too. Just because he invited you so often, doesn't mean you should do that -- he s the one that invited me to come over twice during the week! Once maybe would be fine. But at this stage, if you're spending every weekend together, you wouldn't be spending another two days during the week. He's feeling smothered -- even if it's partly by his own doing.

 

Have you two ever had a conversation about what you each want for yourselves out of your dating experiences? Have you really declared boyfriend/girlfriend already? It doesn't really sound like you two are on the same page to start with.

[Redhead14]

I hardly count two months as "early days." It's the longest I've been in a relationship with anyone in a while.

 

I apologized because I didn't know what else to say and I didn't exactly handle our fight gracefully. He had texted me at work and I wanted to be polite. Idk. I'm kind of a push over.

 

Two months is "the early days"!!!! Just because it's the longest "relationship" you've had, doesn't mean it's not the early days. It is entirely too soon to be saying boyfriend and girlfriend. You should be exclusive at least since you're being intimate.

[SweetCharity]

You have responsibility in setting the pace of a relationship too. Just because he invited you so often, doesn't mean you should do that -- he s the one that invited me to come over twice during the week! Once maybe would be fine. But at this stage, if you're spending every weekend together, you wouldn't be spending another two days during the week. He's feeling smothered -- even if it's partly by his own doing.

 

Have you two ever had a conversation about what you each want for yourselves out of your dating experiences? Have you really declared boyfriend/girlfriend already? It doesn't really sound like you two are on the same page to start with.

 

we are Facebook official and he introduces me to everyone as his girlfriend.

[SweetCharity]

SC, I've kept up w/your old posts. Now I'll give it to you that your dating history sucks. But let's be honest. These were decisions that YOU made and mistakes that YOU keep repeating. So at the very least accept some of the blame/responsibility. The majority of the guys you've mentioned made their intentions pretty clear from the get go, but you slept with them on dates 1 or 2 anyways. That isn't "bad luck" it's poor decision making.

 

However, it is nice that you're finally catching a bit of a break. Hopefully it continues to go well.

 

My only advice at this point would be to try and leave the past in the past. Since you finally met a guy you connected with, it's causing you to 1) Latch on a bit too strong and 2) Freak out over things that aren't that big of a deal. Like you said, he just invited you to NYE. So be in the present and just take it day by day. Good luck!

 

Lol, if you reread this post you'll see that I blame my atrocious dating history on my decisions. And some of it on luck.

 

But thank you for the advice. I will take it too heart.

 

It's really hard to leave my baggage at the door. Sometimes it can serve as a self fulfilling prophecy.

[SweetCharity]

It is entirely too soon to be saying boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

I disagree.

[Redhead14]

we are Facebook official and he introduces me to everyone as his girlfriend.

 

That is irrelevant. Facebook declarations mean squat. It's how he treats and dates you in the real world. Observe his dating pattern with you. He isn't dating you. He's bringing take out and getting laid on his schedule. And, just because you call yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, does not mean that at 2 months you are or should be doing what established couples do. Even if you are boyfriend and girlfriend it is entirely too soon to co-mingle your lives in that way.

 

Get on a pace that will support and foster a real relationship, if one is going to develop. Sit back a little and don't let him have all the control over that.

[basil67]

I don't think it's too soon to be saying "boyfriend and girlfriend". But it's too soon to have any expectations on whether or not this relationship has legs.

 

The two of you are still your best behaviour and are looking at each other with the rose coloured glasses which all but the most cynical wear at the start of anything half decent. And let me tell you now, if his libido and attention is lacking at only two months in, I can't begin to imagine how bad it's going to get when his new relationship excitement wears off.

 

When you've been together for closer to a year - then you have a better idea of what this relationship will bring. In the meantime, keep yourself prepared for the fact that this IS early days.

[Redhead14]

I disagree.

 

You disagree based on the fact that you've had a long-term relationship and know exactly what being boyfriend and girlfriend means and based on whether the guy calls you his girlfriend and what his facebook status is?

 

This guy can call you his girlfriend all he wants . . . but until he starts actually treating you like the woman with whom he wants a real relationship, spends quality time with you on a regular basis . . . you aren't his girlfriend. You are just the girl he calls his girlfriend and brings to office parties as a date and dinner with his parents once in a while.

 

And, he is making noises to that effect . . . slow down.

[SweetCharity]

He's bringing take out and getting laid on his schedule.

 

Not only is that a rude thing to say, it's grossly inaccurate. He TAKES ME OUT on several dates. Some are casual, and some are at very expensive and nice places. And some are at his parent's house. Don't say things just because you think it's makes you sound seasoned and wise and all tough love. I'm not just a booty call. Hell, he wants sex less than I do.

 

But I do agree with some of what you're saying.

[SweetCharity]

You disagree based on the fact that you've had a long-term relationship and know exactly what being boyfriend and girlfriend means and based on whether the guy calls you his girlfriend and what his facebook status is?

 

This guy can call you his girlfriend all he wants . . . but until he starts actually treating you like the woman with whom he wants a real relationship, spends quality time with you on a regular basis . . . you aren't his girlfriend. You are just the girl he calls his girlfriend and brings to office parties as a date and dinner with his parents once in a while.

 

And, he is making noises to that effect . . . slow down.

 

Yes, I have been in a long term relationship that lasted two years. I'm not a complete notorious bachelorette.

[Redhead14]

Yes, I have been in a long term relationship that lasted two years. I'm not a complete notorious bachelorette.

 

The title of the thread is "longest relationship yet . . . ". How did that two year relationship, begin in terms of the dating pattern, how did it end and why, if I may ask?

[SweetCharity]

The title of the thread is "longest relationship yet . . . ". How did that two year relationship, begin in terms of the dating pattern, how did it end and why, if I may ask?

 

Yeah I wanted to rename my title but it wouldn't let me. This is the longest relationship I've had in three years.

 

The two year relationship began with a guy I met at a bar. After 7 months of him acting like my boyfriend but refusing to be official or have sex with me, he finally agreed to be my boyfriend. A year and three months later, he didn't want to move forward with our relationship because I wasn't Christian like him, something he failed to mention was important to him until a year and three months in. But he didn't want to break up with me either. He just wanted to string me along in limbo, so I "started wearing less and going out more." and we finally broke up but his claws were in me until I told him to f*ck off. It was a toxic, co-dependent relationship. But he really loved me and probably still does. Not a good basis but I learned a lot from it.

[Redhead14]

Yeah I wanted to rename my title but it wouldn't let me. This is the longest relationship I've had in three years.

 

The two year relationship began with a guy I met at a bar. After 7 months of him acting like my boyfriend but refusing to be official or have sex with me, he finally agreed to be my boyfriend. A year and three months later, he didn't want to move forward with our relationship because I wasn't Christian like him, something he failed to mention was important to him until a year and three months in. But he didn't want to break up with me either. He just wanted to string me along in limbo, so I "started wearing less and going out more." and we finally broke up but his claws were in me until I told him to f*ck off. It was a toxic, co-dependent relationship. But he really loved me and probably still does. Not a good basis but I learned a lot from it.

 

This was not a "relationship" and the dynamics of this scenario did nothing to teach you what a relationship should/could be. You did not learn anything from this because, here you are, attempting to force another "relationship" -- he finally agreed to be my boyfriend.

 

It appears to me that you are setting yourself up to be in the same position you were in with the two year guy.

 

Sit back. Work on making yourself happy as a strong, secure, independent woman for a while. Then add/enhance that happiness you make for yourself by adding someone who will support and compliment that.

[SweetCharity]

This was not a "relationship" and the dynamics of this scenario did nothing to teach you what a relationship should/could be. You did not learn anything from this because, here you are, attempting to force another "relationship" -- he finally agreed to be my boyfriend.

 

It appears to me that you are setting yourself up to be in the same position you were in with the two year guy.

 

Sit back. Work on making yourself happy as a strong, secure, independent woman for a while. Then add/enhance that happiness you make for yourself by adding someone who will support and compliment that.

 

THAT IS WHAT I'M DOING. I AM NOT FORCING ANTHING. I am leaving him alone even though he's still texting me. Where are you getting this from that I am forcing things?

[SweetCharity]

This was not a "relationship" and the dynamics of this scenario did nothing to teach you what a relationship should/could be. You did not learn anything from this because, here you are, attempting to force another "relationship" -- he finally agreed to be my boyfriend.

 

It appears to me that you are setting yourself up to be in the same position you were in with the two year guy.

 

Sit back. Work on making yourself happy as a strong, secure, independent woman for a while. Then add/enhance that happiness you make for yourself by adding someone who will support and compliment that.

 

P.S. He's the one talking about going away for the weekend next January. What am I supposed to do? Break up with him?