blind_otter Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 So I have recently started dating someone, this guy who is in the submarine service. He came up to visit me this weekend, and it was slightly weird. See the thing is, I am pretty much a wastoid. I am intelligent, educated, I have a college degree, and I've had an on-again-off-again problem with drugs and alcohol for the last 7 years or so. I own my own house, my car is paid off, I just have a problem with drugs that teeters from recreational into abuse on a regular basis. This guy, has never gotten high in his life, on anything. He's had minor issues with alcohol - but honestly this is a common thing among servicemen, especially men who go out to sea for months at a time, stuck in a tube full of other men, able to communicate with others only through email. I have this thing, number one, about getting involved with men who aren't as educated as I am. Insecurity, maybe, but all except my exhusband (who had a BS in business administration and two minors in finance and international business) had either dropped out of high school or stopped their schooling after high school. So usually I have little in common with these men. This guy is no different. I have no idea, beyond my body and face, why he is attracted to me (and honestly, I think that's really the issue. It always is. Men are attracted to me because I'm attractive, but I have an odd and kooky personality that doesn't really match with my looks....besides my strange wardrobe chioces, and the tattoos that cover my back, which are only visible when I have no shirt on). We really have very little in common. He is ambitious and driven, always wanted to be in the military, was raised on a farm, is extremely neat and orderly, family-oriented, and also is a nice, sweet, sensitive young man (he's younger than me). I am an aimless, unambitious person with a proclivity for marijuana, I am disorganized and admittedly pretty mentally unstable (I prefer the term "emotionally random" ), wherever I go, disaster seems to follow. I have bad taste in men. I don't think things through and I make big, ugly, hilarious mistakes. I think I latched onto this guy partly because he represtented stability and orderliness to me. I like him ever so much, but honestly - I like more what he represents in my head, than what he actually IS....see what I mean? does that make sense? Because we had one disagreement over the weekend that, to me, is a deal-breaker. It was about racism. I was talking to another mixed race friend, about the racism that is enculturated in the south. I encounter it a lot, and I mentioned to him the issue, one time rednecks threw urine and my mother and me....he was all up in arms, saying that racism is almost negligible nowadays, and some nonsense about how yankees don't like ANYONE so of course they aren't particularly racist (uh, what? ) and then, to top it all off, he said that immigrants had no right to bitch about the system because they came here from crappy countries and if they want to complain they should move back home. Also, he brought up the southeast asian people eat dog thing, which pissed me off so much. Hello, my mother is Vietnamese. When he left, it was because I asked him to go. I guess things are pretty much blah-ed away, now. I had an ok weekend but mostly I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I hate dating. Mostly I miss my exhusband because we were together for years, and there was this stability and comfort in that. I hate the discomfort and awkwardness of new people. And I get irritated lately, easily, about little things. I get so impatient when I'm dating because I miss that comfort. I feel crappy because I do like this guy, in every aspect, but that whole racism argument only a week after we start dating really pissed me off. It's weird to set boundaries, I suppose - I never ever did that with my ex, and he really stomped all over me constantly. This time I am putting up a wall, I know it, and it feels weird....like I'm not giving him a chance. But I feel GUILTY. It's too soon to date I think. How can my psycho-restraining-order-ex already be living with someone when I can barely stand to be around someone for 48 hours straight? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter ....he was all up in arms, saying that racism is almost negligible nowadays now that is a total joke, racism is alive and well except it is now more covert. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 That was my point. I think people who think like this are essentially unaware....does that mean I shouldn't give him a chance to experience a different kind of point of view? In the end I guess it does. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 You won't agree on everything with everyone, even if it is true love. Did you allow him to explain his POV? Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Because we had one disagreement over the weekend that, to me, is a deal-breaker. It was about racism. I was talking to another mixed race friend, about the racism that is enculturated in the south. I encounter it a lot, and I mentioned to him the issue, one time rednecks threw urine and my mother and me....he was all up in arms, saying that racism is almost negligible nowadays, and some nonsense about how yankees don't like ANYONE so of course they aren't particularly racist (uh, what? ) and then, to top it all off, he said that immigrants had no right to bitch about the system because they came here from crappy countries and if they want to complain they should move back home. Also, he brought up the southeast asian people eat dog thing, which pissed me off so much. Hello, my mother is Vietnamese. Whoa, this guy seem's a "little" opionated and prejudice. We're probably just scratcing the surface on this guy. You did right on cutting him lose. You will find someone. Just keep looking. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 there aren't too many rhodes scholars in the military BLIND_OTTER. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 I'm not looking for a genius per se. I wonder what it would be like to date someone who was as educated as I am, or who had as much of a love of learning that I do.....I haven't ever dated anyone who, say, likes to read books. Or someone who can match my love of bizarre foreign films or cheesy horror movies. I haven't ever done this before, just sorta broke it off abruptly because there was one specific thing about their life that I didn't agree with. But if we're already bickering, then I don't know how it could work out. Big sigh. I just want someone to hang out with and have fun with, not like a serious marriage deal. All my friends are ravenously searching for a relationship and it gets really tiring listening to them bitch all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 well BO, it is not like you are being picky. bigotry is a major turn off for me, as well as a couple other things, like lying, cheating, killing. Things you should not compromise are YOUR values and your morals. it is not that you are too picky..... good mates are hard to find, if it were easy there would be no need for LS! Link to post Share on other sites
NiCoLe20 Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 if your not totally crazy about this guy, then just remain friends. see what happens over time... he might not be the guy you want but get to know him better as a friend first you know. its weird when things are new lol im going thru that right now w/ this new guy. theres things i like and things i dont. im just taking it slow and if i find someone better along the way then i will choose him. theres no point in being unhappy... lifes to short.. if your not feeling him, let him know. you can either be friends or cut him loose... but if you want a relationship w/ him then do whatever your heart tells you. just being happy is whats important!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 Originally posted by tattoomytoe well BO, it is not like you are being picky. bigotry is a major turn off for me, as well as a couple other things, like lying, cheating, killing. Things you should not compromise are YOUR values and your morals. it is not that you are too picky..... good mates are hard to find, if it were easy there would be no need for LS! Oh TTMT You have distilled the issue exactly. Damn this catholic upbringing of mine. I feel guitly about breathing. I sent a miserable letter to my exhusband recently, crying about how miserably miserable I am. He was politely supportive. But it is strange. For the past 2 years since our split I always knew that no matter what, he would always want me back....now, he just doesn't, he has grown and changed....and I have this weird feeling of finally being completely disconnected. I no longer have that security blanket. It shouldn't bother me but it does. Why settle for something for comfort's sake, though. I'm at a point where I want it to be right, I don't want to have to keep overlooking MAJOR DEAL BREAKERS. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Set standards for your men beforehand. When they don't meet those standards, continue on. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Set standards for your men beforehand. When they don't meet those standards, continue on. sometimes, TIKI, you can't tell whether or not they meet you standards until you are in way too deep. and by then it is too late... Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale sometimes, TIKI, you can't tell whether or not they meet you standards until you are in way too deep. and by then it is too late... That's the thing. If I hadn't happened to be having a conversation with my friend (who is mixed as well, but from up north) about racism in the south, I never would have known what he was like. I have standards, but I have this problem with giving people an opportunity to change. Should I ? ugh. I am so unenthusiastic about this. Plus he makes me feel like I am a serious drug addict. Ok, I smoke pot every day so maybe I do have some issues. I told him that should be HIS dealbreaker but he haughtily told me he had no deal breakers, and that he accepted people's flaws. Guh. I feel like a judgemental jackass. Link to post Share on other sites
kanga Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Set standards for your men beforehand. When they don't meet those standards, continue on. Yes! Of course, if you have too many standards that are too high, then you could be crossing the line of too picky. It's all about striking a balance, knowing what things would be hard for you to settle for. I never thought I'd ever, ever want to date a Republican. I happened to -- surprise -- meet a nice one once. Who would've thought? But there are some things that I think each of us holds as a serious value and shouldn't compromise on. I'm with you about bigotry or prejudice. My experience has been that it's also symbolic of a closed mind. Closed-mindedness is just something that would be pretty impossible to mesh with my personality. I know it will kill any relationship, so yes, it's very much a deal breaker. And I think that's perfectly fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Based on some of his comments, it sounds like he hails from the south and may have a cultural chip on his shoulder about that. Also, when I was in the military, everyone was deemed "green" -- there were to be no colours, merely shades of green. In my experience, it was a pretty racism-free culture, but that may just have been my experience. All I am saying is that his comments may not have been intended to mean that he supports racism or finds bigotry to be a valid viewpoint. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Plus he makes me feel like I am a serious drug addict. Ok, I smoke pot every day so maybe I do have some issues. I told him that should be HIS dealbreaker but he haughtily told me he had no deal breakers, and that he accepted people's flaws. Guh. I feel like a judgemental jackass. Accepted people's flaw?? So he views your pot smoking as a flaw? Shame on him. One thing is not to condone it, another is to judge you. Him: "I will overlook this pot flaw that you have because I am a nice guy." What a phony. You really caught a good one here Blind Otter. Your not being judgemental, he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen Accepted people's flaw?? So he views your pot smoking as a flaw? Shame on him. One thing is not to condone it, another is to judge you. Him: "I will overlook this pot flaw that you have because I am a nice guy." What a phony. You really caught a good one here Blind Otter. Your not being judgemental, he is. Well god forbid I break my 7 year losing streak. I should give up on love. My friend T called me at work today to remind me that he thinks I have the worst Electra complex ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I should give up on love. My friend T called me at work today to remind me that he thinks I have the worst Electra complex ever. ouch...watch where you point those Sai. You know you can't give up on love because love won't give up on you. When you least know it, out of the blue...BAM! Love hit's you like a ton of bricks. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 well that is GREAT for him that he seems to have no qualms, makesme think he expects or WILL expect the same when he does something really bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 Boundaries boundaries boundaries. What? I have no idea what you're talking about. Bounda-who? Boundawha? I only have a half hour left of work. My brain has momentarily stopped functioning. I am just tired of this nervous edgy feeling I have all the time, constantly wanting and wishing for something unnameable. Because I think I'm seeking something from a relationship that I should have for myself. I mean, sure, there's nothing wrong with being alone, and I can totally handle it as I spend the majority of my time alone, even though I go out a few times a week... but it just feels better to have someone around, even if they are just loafing in the other room. Even if you're not constantly connecting on some deeply intimate level. I get tired of having serious conversations all the time....I am a silly silly person at times. most especially when I'm drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 1, 2005 Share Posted February 1, 2005 I wonder what it would be like to date someone who was as educated as I am, or who had as much of a love of learning that I do With all due respect, how many educated men would rush into relationships with someone whose ad copy reads: I am pretty much a wastoid. I am intelligent, educated, I have a college degree, and I've had an on-again-off-again problem with drugs and alcohol for the last 7 years or so. I own my own house, my car is paid off, I just have a problem with drugs that teeters from recreational into abuse on a regular basis. I am an aimless, unambitious person with a proclivity for marijuana, I am disorganized and admittedly pretty mentally unstable (I prefer the term "emotionally random" ), wherever I go, disaster seems to follow. I have bad taste in men. I don't think things through and I make big, ugly, hilarious mistakes. Perhaps if you put forth some of your effort towards polishing up your own image a tad you'd be more likely to find a more suitable fellow? Link to post Share on other sites
imokurnot Posted February 1, 2005 Share Posted February 1, 2005 hahaha That's an interesting perspective. It is also one that will allow you to make excuses for other peoples behavior if you allow it to. That is a major deal breaker and the ignorance it shows is frightening. I understand people grow up in different cultures and with parents that have a profound influence on their beliefs. When he says immigrants should not complain about anything here in the US or if they do, should go back home, ask him where his great grandpa was born? Or his great, great granps was born. Somwhere down the line one of them immigrated as we all did unles he was Native American (which I highly doubt since he is racist). Ignorance and it most likely stems from family or environment but that's no excuse as far as I am concerned. I don't care what else you like about this guy, the racism issue goes to character. Character is WHO he is plain and simple. You may have a nice list of things you like and some might be a part of his make-up and some may be just superficial. The racism is ingrained and a part of how he sees the world. Deal-breaker bar none....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 2, 2005 Author Share Posted February 2, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme With all due respect, how many educated men would rush into relationships with someone whose ad copy reads: Perhaps if you put forth some of your effort towards polishing up your own image a tad you'd be more likely to find a more suitable fellow? Why is it that when people say "with all due respect" they really mean, "suck it, you sh*thead!" I just happen to be brutally honest. I'm sure if anyone here actually wrote down how they are, especially after having three months straight of hellish crap happen to them, making them depressed on top of postpartum depression from a miscarriage, that they would probably come up with something equally low about themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Why is it that when people say "with all due respect" they really mean, "suck it, you sh*thead!" Perhaps some people do. Link to post Share on other sites
imokurnot Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 It took me @ 5 years to figure it all out with her trying to manipulate me and everyone else to see her image as the sweet girl. I would have been happy w/ otter chick because at least I can tell she is honest and wouldn't lie or manipulate peolpe to see her any differently. We all have issues. Th people that recognize them (Otter) and admit that they exist, at some point will be that much further ahead of those of us that don't if/when they decide to deal with them. My ex only admits to her issues when it's convienent. Otter seems to offer hers up in the most inconvienent forums and that in a weird way is admirable. The only problem I find with being brutally honest about ones self, is that people always think there must be more. If your willing to admit to X, Y and Z there has to be some other stuff that you won't divulge. With me what you see is what you get. People sometimes look for more because they hide their issues so they think I must be hiding things as well. To each his own. To my friends and those who know me, as well as to myself, I will remain true. No matter what someone else thinks of your habits, actions or guilty pleasures Otter, take comfort in knowing they themselves are not as honest and upfront as you are. Therefore they have no baseline from which to gain perspective and an understanding of who you are. Screw 'em............. Link to post Share on other sites
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