yxalitis Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) Broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago, moved out as soon as was practical. For some perspective, you can read these. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/489513-too-good-true http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/527844-my-gf-relationship-bipolar http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/512250-ladies-gf-attitude. But to summarise the whole 9 months as best I can…. After an amazing first 3-4 months, the cracks starting showing. She was perfectly happy to accept my love, commitment, and financial support, assistance with her daughters’ school and after-work activities, and sex. But she was also [perfectly happy to withdraw from me, sleep with her daughter, sleep on the couch, heck even sleep on the living room floor. This wasn’t one or two nights here and there, she slept in our bed just 4 days in a fortnight. To this I was supposed to just: “Be calm, don’t think too much, go with the flow, I am in the house I love you, but I need space” In all relationships, it is important to give you partner space. If she wanted to stay up late watching her TV shows, no problem. I encouraged her to go out on her own, as all her time was spent with me or her daughter, but she told me repeatedly she didn’t want or need to do that. But in reality she was feeling suffocated…she never truly expressed this, in fact, her attitude towards me suggested no problems in this regard at all. The space I allowed her wasn’t enough. It was never enough. When together, she will always take my hand, cuddle, lean against me, and hold me. In bed, after sex, she would touch me, tease me, and rub against me. This was not a one-way street, her actions towards me have always been very affectionate and loving. If I didn’t respond positively to her, she would sometimes accuse me of being unhappy. She would ask why I hadn’t called if I didn’t give her a lunch-time phone call. Heck, if I didn’t reply to her text for a few hours, she be sending another saying “Oh, are you busy?” So…I have no indications that she is anything but happy with the level of intimacy and closeness in our relationship. She when to her home country twice, the first time I went up with her, but came back two weeks earlier to go to work. Shen she returned, I waited 2 hours for her to come out of customs. When she finally came out, I went up to her, my love, who I had missed and went to kiss her…she pushed me away “Give me some space.” She spent the next two weeks sleeping in her daughter’s room, but even so, she was still affectionate, loving, we had sex a number of times, and I handled this OK, because she was still clearly close to me for the most part. We oscillated for the next few months, with her requirements for space slowly increasing, not decreasing. She arranged for a longer return home, 6 weeks this time, but I could only stay 10 days. She flies up, we text and chat, lots of of: “I miss you’s” and loving talk from her, she constantly sends me updates and photos of what they are doing…every indication that she is missing me but enjoying her time. I go up after couple weeks, and right from when she arrives (late) at the airport, it was like she didn’t really want me there. The first night, and she comes to bed wearing her “no sex tonight” onesie, and tells me she just doesn’t feel like it. In the morning we get frisky, start to have sex, and I she hasn’t shaved or depilated, which she does for me all the time…in other words, knowing that I was coming up to see her, she hadn’t bothered to make an effort for me. We have a good second day, she was much more affectionate, but again, no sex that night. We go to Singapore for 3 nights, and again, she’s just not wanting it. On the second night her daughter idly comments that our bed is more comfy, so without a word to me, she just says “OK, you sleep there, I’ll sleep in the little bed! One, I am NOT comfortable sharing a bed alone with her daughter, for all the obvious reasons, one word to her friends, if a teacher overheard… And no matter how innocent it was, questions would be asked. Not worth the risk. Two, hello, am I here in the room, could you discuss this with me first? Why would she just make that decision without even talking to me? She exploded, threatened to walk out and get a new room…all because I ask her (I was very calm here, quiet rational, she is the one who lost it) to please consider my feelings before making such requests, and to kindly tell her daughter to sleep in her own bed. We had a big big talk about our relationship, and on the last night she finally seemed to get it, she admitted she didn’t know how to compromise, and that she needed to think more about my feelings, and to take a step in my direction, not always me to compromise. Well, words are wind as they say… I returned home, she stayed on for the remaining 3 weeks. At one point she called me, out of the blue. Now she has NEVER called me, always its text messages, so this was a pleasant surprise…I thought as I answered. But has she called to say hello? TO say she misses me? To say she loves me? No, she’s asking if it’s OK to spend a large amount of money on an electric chair for her mother! The comms drift down from that point, hardly a text a day at all. She arrived home, I pick her, up, take her home, and go to work. When I arrive home, I leave her alone, just watch TV while she does her own things. I’m giving her space. She puts her daughter to bed, and continues to do stuff, I do my own thing. Around 10:00 I head off to bed, she comes to the door and says: “I’m staying up a bit, need to finish some things” Now up to that point, I was sure she would be spending the first night with her daughter, but …why tell me this…unless, oh, she’s sleeping with me tonight. But…no. I text her from the bed when I hear her go to the other room “Are you not sleeping with me tonight” And she replies “I told you I need some space, why is this a problem? Just relax OK! WE talk the next night, and I accept her requirements for more time. So, all Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday, Friday, I’m calm, loving, accepting, and sleeping alone. But it was like living with a flatmate, nothing but the briefest of cuddles, the lightest of kisses. Saturday arrives, we have a great day, I take them to a magic show, because the daughter loves magic, get home, and I anticipate that tonight’s the night. But, no, again she wants to sleep without me. I ask her what happened to compromise…how much time does she need? 4 weeks since she last slept with me, why wouldn’t she want to be with me? But, NO, she gets angry that I’m “pushing her” That was pretty much the end of the relationship then…it all just coasted downhill from that point. So, after 9 months, I gave up wanting her to give more to the relationship, I decided the only way to let her know I was serious, was to break up and move out. Post move I sent her a message: I do miss you, but I've missed you for a long time, not just since I moved out, but for a long time before that. You withdrew from me...I could feel it... I think because you are used to just dating men, but no one lived with you like I did. You weren't used to having someone there all the time...you missed your freedom I was used to this life though, I lived with my ex-wife for 18 years and then Fiona for 6 months, I AM used to living every day with someone. Maybe if we had just dated first....then slowly I stayed more often...it would be different. Yes I gave you headaches, we fought...I know, why do you think I moved out? I hated fighting too But I still love you...and I think you do too. She replied: I do miss you, but I've missed you for a long time, not just since I moved out, but for a long time before that. You withdrew from me...I could feel it... Yes and no, I have given you many chance to fix it but you only stuck on one thing. I think because you are used to just dating men, but no one lived with you like I did. This is only what you think right? Is this judgement? Is this your own opinion? Is this a fact? Look…. We have a problem here, I don’t expect to know someone in one day and I don’t judge this person using this way. And you do… you like to judge people, you like to put your opinion first, sorry if I’m wrong but this is the thing. You weren't used to having someone there all the time...you missed your freedom. Again, is this true? I can answer you now, it’s not true! I live with a man with [daughter] for 2 years, you don’t know right? You must be surprised that I haven’t told anything to you, I think everyone has their past; it’s no point to compare. [daugher] called him “daddy”, we were happy, but at the end, because his family can’t accept that I have a child and do terrible thing to us and want to break us up. They succeeded. But you don’t have to know more anyway, it’s over now. So you think this is still true as you said? And freedom??? Everyone like freedom, I particularly like to stick with my partner, but at the same time, we all need spaces, we all have our life, I have my life before I met you right? But you couldn’t accept any other life but your own. I was used to this life though, I lived with my ex-wife for 18 years and then my ex gf for 6 months, I AM used to living every day with someone. Yes, you have use to this life, that’s why when you leave your ex, you quickly get another replacement. This is why I said, you were too worried that you have a moment of lonely or by yourself. And you can’t live without SEX! You will say, no this is not true… but all you did and your word has shown this. Maybe if we had just dated first....then slowly I stayed more often...it would be different. I totally agree with this point, but on and on, it’s personality problems, if this is what we couldn’t be together, end of the day, it will be the same outcome. But I still love you...and I think you do too. Tell me this after 6 months…. If you never try to **** or get any girl within this 6 months, and you still miss me or love me then we can start going out again. But don’t lie to me, if you have touched any girl in between, please walk away from us and don’t tell me how much you love or miss me. Oh, so after 9 months she tells me that she had a former partner live with her for 2 years, something n SPECIFICALLY asked her about! OK, sorry for all that…but my question… Was I wrong, should I have given her all the space she needed, was I selfish. My friends and family support my decision, but…they would anyway. I want in independent opinion… Thanks! Edited June 1, 2015 by yxalitis
Author yxalitis Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) Oh, I posted this in "dating" Any forum mods around to move to "Breaking up" Edited June 1, 2015 by yxalitis
Gaeta Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I FAST read this and yes, it's better you break up, and should have broken up a long time ago. That time you picked her up at the airport and she pushed you away saying give me some space would have been our very last day together.
Author yxalitis Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 I FAST read this and yes, it's better you break up, and should have broken up a long time ago. That time you picked her up at the airport and she pushed you away saying give me some space would have been our very last day together. I asked her all about that, ans she just used the excuse that she was exhausted after a 9 hour overnight flight, and felt unatractive. I know that in fact she was already doubting her feelings for me...but kept it going for the convenience.
lil_missy Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 From her comments about if you don't touch another girl for 6 months then you can get back together, does she not trust you to be faithful or something? Does she think you have cheated or would cheat on her? And she also mentions that she feels you are only after sex? Do you feel those are genuine feelings she could have? Or is she making up some excuse to get rid of you
Author yxalitis Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 From her comments about if you don't touch another girl for 6 months then you can get back together, does she not trust you to be faithful or something? Does she think you have cheated or would cheat on her? And she also mentions that she feels you are only after sex? Do you feel those are genuine feelings she could have? Or is she making up some excuse to get rid of you That was angry emotional talk. Yes, she did think at some stage only wanted her for sex. She emailed me today: Dear [Me], Sorry that I didn't respond to your last texts. I know and I do understand you still having lots of emotion these days after you left, especially that day when you were listening to a sad song. I have no response cause I really don’t know what to say, and I think it’s better to leave you alone and think about it yourself and you will move on then. I guess, you have helped yourself to move on since I don’t hear anything from you, hope it’s a good thing for you. Even you had found someone to replace and take away your pain or thoughts, I believe you will start loving her instead of keep thinking about our past. I truly hope you are happy now and I really appreciate our friendship. Thanks for everything. My reply: No need to apologise, I didn’t expect a reply. Even though we break up, we still communicate all the time. That’s good, but if we don’t talk for a few days, it’s no problem. Happy to move on as we are, no expectations. I am not looking for another person, as I said, too early. I’m not looking to get back with you either. I miss some things, but not others. I’m sure you’re the same. It was harder to break up with you than my marriage of 19 years. She replied: I feel sorry that I have not treat you right or give you happiness. You are a good man… Just that our personality clashed all the time… may be just that I don’t deserve a good man like you that’s all! Hehe Anyway, I do thinking of you of cause, I’m human… But as you said, I will not looking back…
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