beautifulinside2 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) I have been dating my bf for 6 months. He has been divorced for 16 months. His wife of 27 years left him for another man. I noticed my bf looking online at this lady's facebook on several occassions. I even questioned if there was someone else or do I need to be concerned and he said no. I spend everyday at his house and we recently had a conversation about moving in together so, I decided to look into his email to find out who this lady was and so I found a receipt for long stem roses one for her and one for me for Valentines Day. I know I shouldn't have looked through his email but I had to know as we have started to make future plans. Anyhow, I called him at work to ask him about her and he said this was the wife of the man his wife left him for and he felt bad because she had two small kids. He sent her roses last year for Valentines Day and because they helped each other through the divorce they will always have a connection. He said he slept with her before and the last time they saw each other was 8 months ago. He said he loves me and don't want to lose me and I love him as well. I just don't understand why he would continue to send her roses and why he hadn't told me about her. I don't know what to do? I'm really confused because why would he continue to interact with this lady facebook and roses? < moderator edit: here is a link to the most recent update, posted 2017-01-31 UPDATE 2 years later... > Edited February 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator added link to updated post ~6
Toodaloo Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Proceed with caution. Sounds like they slept together as a revenge to their ex partners... I would not be comfortable with this. What exactly does he mean by "connection" with this woman? 10
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 He said connection because of what they both went through and how they helped each other get past it, but it looks to me like obviously he is not past it. I mean if he was past it why send her roses, why is he her friend on facebook. It seems crazy to me..
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Totally fabricated and unacceptable. For a man that has been 27 years in a marriage he has a very poor understanding of fidelity and commitment, especially that he was cheated on!! How would he feel he the situation was reversed and you'd have something delivered to another man on D-day? He'd flip!! That would terminate it for me. I am in my late 40s and I have no time or patience to be dealing with BS like this. 16
newmoon Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 this other woman actually has a greater bond with him seeing as how they were both dumped by their respective ex's. and he probably does feel badly for that other women since they'd have a shared element of pain/hurt. they can share intimates that you can't and they can continue to help each other through the problems of ending a long-term marriage. 16 months might not be enough to heal when the marriage was 27 years. i would ask if maybe he wants a more casual relationship and/or casual dating so that he can see other people? he might say no, but he'd probably not care too much if you walked. you've only been around 6 months, and i can't imagine a man out of a 27 year marriage is interested in ultimatums and another marriage so quickly. 4
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 He said connection because of what they both went through and how they helped each other get past it, but it looks to me like obviously he is not past it. I mean if he was past it why send her roses, why is he her friend on facebook. It seems crazy to me.. Men don't send long stem roses to women they have no romantic interest for. If he had sent her tulips on her birthday meh! Maybe I would have been flexible a little but roses on V-D?? No, I am sorry. It would not fly. 18
kendahke Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I have been dating my bf for 6 months. He has been divorced for 16 months. His wife of 27 years left him for another man. I noticed my bf looking online at this lady's facebook on several occassions. I even questioned if there was someone else or do I need to be concerned and he said no. I spend everyday at his house and we recently had a conversation about moving in together so, I decided to look into his email to find out who this lady was and so I found a receipt for long stem roses one for her and one for me for Valentines Day. I know I shouldn't have looked through his email but I had to know as we have started to make future plans. Anyhow, I called him at work to ask him about her and he said this was the wife of the man his wife left him for and he felt bad because she had two small kids. He sent her roses last year for Valentines Day and because they helped each other through the divorce they will always have a connection. He said he slept with her before and the last time they saw each other was 8 months ago. He said he loves me and don't want to lose me and I love him as well. I just don't understand why he would continue to send her roses and why he hadn't told me about her. I don't know what to do? I'm really confused because why would he continue to interact with this lady facebook and roses? Because he wants to. He's not emotionally done with her. You being in his life doesn't deter him from doing that. My advice is don't move in with him. Your relationship is not in a healthy place. He doesn't sound like he's in a place where he really wants to be fully committed if he's sending roses to her and keeping this connection to her because of the infidelity of his ex wife. You are not in a place where you are able to trust him. Without trust, there is no point in dealing with a person. You will always be at a disadvantage because you never will know if he's telling the truth. Your choice, if you stay, is to tolerate his relationship with her and be content with him because it's going to continue for as long as he has need for it to continue--you being in his life is not going to change that. Do you think you will like the person you will have to become in order to have this particular man in your life? 2
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 It absolutely sucks!!! I mean I had no indication this lady even existed. I met his entire family, we go to Sunday dinners, church, weddings, vacations, activities etc... No indication whatsoever. He treats me like a queen literally cooks for me, takes care of me when Im sick, I thought he was the one ...
BeatsByDirk Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It makes sense to me. If the affair ripped his world apart and there was one person who understood, there would be closeness there I would not let go of too quickly, I could continue to care and not have romantic interest. Have had sex with someone who was just a friend and the next day it was clear a sexual relationship was the wrong path for us and we continued to remain friends. Still exercise caution but if it sounds plausible coming out of his mouth, it doesn't sound far fetched to me. 8
kendahke Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It absolutely sucks!!! I mean I had no indication this lady even existed. I met his entire family, we go to Sunday dinners, church, weddings, vacations, activities etc... No indication whatsoever. He treats me like a queen literally cooks for me, takes care of me when Im sick, I thought he was the one ... yet he keeps a side of himself from you that is quite germane to the esteem and integrity of your relationship. ...and he has a rationalization for why it's going to stay in place. There is an elephant pooping up a storm in your living room that air freshener spray will not deal with.
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It absolutely sucks!!! I mean I had no indication this lady even existed. I met his entire family, we go to Sunday dinners, church, weddings, vacations, activities etc... No indication whatsoever. He treats me like a queen literally cooks for me, takes care of me when Im sick, I thought he was the one ... It does suck! Sometimes men/women want to jump into a new relationship exactly where they ended the last one. They want to get serious fast, and take you to their world right away. They skip dating and you find yourself at weddings, and vacations together and talking about moving in together after 6 months. These men/women need the security of a relationship, they can't be on their own. Look, 16 months ago he was married, he last saw this woman 8 months ago and you have been dating for 6. What does that say about him? He did not take time to mourn his failed marriage. It's all about putting a band-aid on the pain. I also find it interesting that he chose to get back in touch with her as you 2 are making plans to move in together. He is not ready. He is questioning if he is making the right move. He wants to see first if he can revive something with this last woman. Never, ever, date a man freshly out of a relationship. 11
Toodaloo Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It absolutely sucks!!! I mean I had no indication this lady even existed. I met his entire family, we go to Sunday dinners, church, weddings, vacations, activities etc... No indication whatsoever. He treats me like a queen literally cooks for me, takes care of me when Im sick, I thought he was the one ... It sucks big time. He may just be trying to be nice to someone he knows will be hurting. I have sent Valentines cards to other male friends as a "cheer them up"... Mind you they were stupid poems signed off from items such as his TV or his welly boots... Like I say this needs more discussion between the pair of you. Calm quiet discussion with no accusations. Listen very carefully to what he says. Do not move in or make further commitment until you have this one sorted out. Blokes can be idiots sometimes. They can also be complete a holes too... take your time, slow down and figure out which this is. I have to say I do not like it and my hackles are up in your defence... 2
BluEyeL Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I'd take it as a red flag, but I wouldn't break up just yet. Maybe it was just a stupid thing to do from his side and there is nothing behind it.
Diezel Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I can understand him buying her roses in the past, but as soon as I had established a new connection, the old would sever. There is absolutely NO reason for him to send any other woman (not related to him) anything of intimate value such as that. By buying her flowers AND you, he is equating the two of you. You are both essentially on the same level, regardless of his future plans with you. The fact that you had to ASK about this... AFTER you looked into his email speaks volumes about the emotional instability that is beginning to permeate through the cracks of this relationship's foundation. Do NOT move in. Hell, to me, this would be grounds for dismissal. This is TROUBLE. 7
preraph Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Unless he's lying about the whole thing, although they slept together, they apparently didn't form a real relationship except as friends. Since he's represented her as a friend now, you should invite her over for dinner and just see how that goes. Also, does it show she has a new bf on her Facebook? You could contact her, but if you do, just be very polite and tell her you found out about the roses and heard his story, and that now you'd appreciate it if she'd tell you hers so you can decide if he's being honest. 2
angel.eyes Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 He may just be trying to be nice to someone he knows will be hurting. I have sent Valentines cards to other male friends as a "cheer them up"... Mind you they were stupid poems signed off from items such as his TV or his welly boots... Sorry, but he didn't send the other woman a silly poem to cheer her up. He secretly sent her the same long-stemmed roses for Valentine's Day that he got the OP. Revenge or not against the ex-wife, he's still engaging in romantic gestures with a former sexual partner while hiding and minimizing what he's doing. Gaeta is spot on. Unfortunately, when you date guys reeling from a bad breakup, you often end up being a stepping stone in their healing process. His wife of 27 years betrayed him and rejected him for another guy. That's a huge blow to his ego. OP, you filled the void when he was lonely and unsure of himself. You reaffirmed that he's indeed attractive, lovable, and someone that women would want to live with. Unfortunately, he's incapable in his current state of giving you the stable relationship you want. He needs to process what happened and figure out who he is as a person after playing husband and half of a couple for 27 years. He then needs to figure out what he really wants. Until then, he's going to be all over the place emotionally once he starts to process things. It will be a roller coaster ride, one that probably won't end well for you. 5
me85 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Oh no ma'am. This is your chance to get out of a bad situation that will only get worse. He told you they "will always have a connection" ? That just doesn't come across as promising to yours and his future. I'm sure you probably love him after 6 months together but better to part ways now rather than later when it will only hurt worse. 1
Mrin Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 What color were the roses he sent to the other woman? 1
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 OP: What prompt you to get in his email? Usually people do that when they are suspicious about something not because it's routine to do so before moving in together. 2
Diezel Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 What color were the roses he sent to the other woman? I would love to say that in the grand scheme of things, it would matter. But I've sent many a non-red rose to romantic interests... just to be "different".
katinlc Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I get the whole connection with this woman. They went through something horrible together and I'm sure leaned on each other during this time. Even the sending her flowers every year on V-day can be justified based on their relationship. There is definitely an understandable connection. What bothers me is him not being upfront about it. I've found that when a guy has nothing to hide and the relationship is purely innocent then they have no problem telling you all about it. That is how my fiancé is anyways. I could completely see him sending flowers in this situation, but the difference is he would tell me all about it and make sure I knew about her and why he was doing it and make sure I am ok with it. So the hiding bothers me way more than the actions... 6
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 We talked this afternoon about it and he claimed this was something he was going to talk to me about but didn't know how to go about it. He said he was married for 27 years and never been through anything like this before. He said that things were going so well between us that it scared him and somehow he was unintentionally trying to sabotage our relationship. He said he doesn't have romantic feelings for this lady. It's just something he thought would make her happy during this time and obviously something that made him come to terms with the ending of his marriage. it's just that everything is wound up together with his emotions. He didn't expect to love me and have me apart of his life like this, he said he is so happy. He asked that I wait a couple days to talk and think things through before I make a rash decision.
CarrieT Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I would love to say that in the grand scheme of things, it would matter. But I've sent many a non-red rose to romantic interests... just to be "different". I have actually had long-stem roses sent to me twice. On both occasions they were sent by male friends with whom I had NO sexual relations (and no inclinations) and they did it because I was at a low spot in my life and thought I could use the pick-me-up. 3
GemmaUK Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I'm a bit 50/50 on this OP and for a few reasons. A 27 year marriage is a long long time. Don't they say you need x amount of months to heal after x amount of years in a relationship? (the relationship would have been longer than 27 years too obviously. Some people can go from one RS to another with a relatively short gap and be fine though. Me and my ex were together 14 years and he only began dating someone 5 months after we broke up (it was by far his biggest gap between serious relationships). I was still living at our house at the time as I had not yet managed to buy my property and all the legals of him buying me out hadn't finalised. We got on fine as housemates though. He dated his new lady for 10 months. She finished with him and one night three weeks later it he came up to talk to me while I was out and he said apparently I was the reason she ended it as I was too much competition. I still have no idea why. I only met her about 3 times and me and him were by no means close and we barely ever saw each other. We were just 'normally friendly' when we saw each other - no hugs or 'us' stories or anything like that at all. That night he also told me that he was hating living on his own and could not handle it. I suggested he get a lodger. That night we both met a mutual friend's new lodger - within 3 weeks she was living with him and they are now married with a little one. He is happy. He needs a woman in his life though. I find it strange that you didn't know anything about this woman while you have been together - but on the reverse of that I also see male pride. Both partners will have been at their worst emotionally when they met/became friends. Not many people would want to include a friend who has helped them through the rough times to a new partner, Men do bulk buy quick shopping too. One rose to him is the same as buying two - one for you one for a friend. They slept together. If they wanted to be together then by now they would be. Can you imagine a relationship built primarily out of mutual heartbreak though? What will they have to talk about once the initial pain of the cheating by their respective partners wears off? Just because their partners got together doesn't mean these two have anything at all in common aside from the RS break up. I think he had a really tough time and they leant on each other. I think he values her for that. I don't think it is any more than that. He is sending her a rose as a gesture of thanks for her support. Men just don't have support in the same way most women do. Why don't you ask if you can meet her? I would. Or, if you can't empathise with any of it then end it. The ball is in your court. 2
MissBee Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I have been dating my bf for 6 months. He has been divorced for 16 months. His wife of 27 years left him for another man. I noticed my bf looking online at this lady's facebook on several occassions. I even questioned if there was someone else or do I need to be concerned and he said no. I spend everyday at his house and we recently had a conversation about moving in together so, I decided to look into his email to find out who this lady was and so I found a receipt for long stem roses one for her and one for me for Valentines Day. I know I shouldn't have looked through his email but I had to know as we have started to make future plans. Anyhow, I called him at work to ask him about her and he said this was the wife of the man his wife left him for and he felt bad because she had two small kids. He sent her roses last year for Valentines Day and because they helped each other through the divorce they will always have a connection. He said he slept with her before and the last time they saw each other was 8 months ago. He said he loves me and don't want to lose me and I love him as well. I just don't understand why he would continue to send her roses and why he hadn't told me about her. I don't know what to do? I'm really confused because why would he continue to interact with this lady facebook and roses? It's not confusing to be honest...it sounds like nonsense and it also sounds like your bf needs more time to get over his divorce and all those emotions and feelings tied up with that and the affair and the relationship he had as he bonded with this other woman over the affair. It is one thing if they only had a friendly relationship but they slept together and he also tried to hide the fact that he was sending her flowers, so it's not just the flowers but many other things which aren't making sense here. I would not move in with him any time soon personally.
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