Was leaving him alone the best thing to do?

[Mystic Dreamer]

Sorry if this is long but I wanted to give as much details as possible. Thanks in advanced to those who read everything and provide feedback. I really appreciate it.

 

Back in Sept I started dating a single dad whom I've known for years. The beginning of our relationship details can be explained here:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/430183-dating-single-dad-how-tell-if-he-s-busy-just-not-into-me

 

 

2 week after I wrote that post I text him asking if we could talk and a few seconds after that text he called me. I guess he knew what I was about to say because before I could say something he immediately started talking. He he told me that some things were going on with him and he still has to look out for his child so he apologized for not making time for me. He said that it's so hard for him because his child's mother is not in the picture to help him at all so he has to do everything by himself and his daughter requires a lot of his time. He said that I'm probably having these bad thoughts because we slept together and he doesn't want me to think that he's not serious about me because he is and he likes me a lot. He said he enjoys the time that we spent together and would like to see me a lot more but it's hard right now. He told me that he understands that a situation like this is new to me so he is hoping that I can understand and be patient with him because raising a young child is not easy. He says that he will be going on vacation soon from his job so I will be seeing him a lot. He also apologized for not telling me about this early on. So I told him OK and commended him on being a great dad and putting his child first. Since that talk communication was still normal as before.

 

Then around the end of Oct/ beginning of Nov the communication decreased to every few days and when we did talk the conversations were very short. Sometimes he would ignore my texts or answer back hours later. I asked him was everything ok and he said that he was going thru somethings right now and still having to look out for his daughter and apologized for making me feel this way. So I just said OK and just left it alone. I also noticed that his sister wrote on his page that she text him the other day and he ignored her too, so maybe he really is going thru something.

 

But I didn't like the way I was feeling. I feel that how do you ask me to be patient with you but only want to be bothered on your terms? I felt that he was being selfish because I think that's unfair. But at the same time I wanted to at least try to be understanding and be there for him so he wouldn't think that I'm selfish so about 3 weeks ago I text him telling him "I know that you are going thru somethings and you may be uncomfortable in telling me about them so I won't bother you but if you need me I'm here". He didn't text back. Hours later I decided to call him and he didn't pick up. So then I just texted him saying "since you are ignoring texts and calls I'll just leave you alone". He didn't respond.

 

2 days later he text me saying "I become a little emotional around this time of the year and tend to stay to myself, in due time I will explain. I'm sorry but I'm not ignoring you or anyone else". I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say. I just decided to leave him alone. That was the last time I've heard from him and this Tuesday coming up will make 3 weeks.

 

What concerned me the most was the fact that he said "tend to stay to himself around this time of the year" but yet he's all over social networks being "SOCIAL" posting funny things etc. He could posts statuses and pics but hardly reply to my texts and calls. Also I noticed that one of his exes all of a sudden started commenting on his pics and statuses (friendly ones) and what's more alarming is that he still has 3 pictures from about 8 months ago of her on his Instagram. So now I'm thinking that it's a possibility that he's probably trying to get back with her because he still has feelings. Or there maybe someone else in the picture. I didn't want to sound nagging or jealous so I never brought it up (he probably wouldn't answer his phone anyway). Either way I thought it was just best to just leave him alone.

 

My mom says that he maybe going thru a lot of things especially since his daughter's mother is dying so it's best to just be friends. My best friend says that I shouldn't just give up on him and keep trying to be there for him. She feels that I didn't do enough and should just keep contacting him. But how could I if he started ignoring me? And the excuse that he gave about staying to himself still doesn't sit right with me.

 

Was leaving him alone the best thing to do?

 

[Maxtor]

I always think that, if people really like other people, they will get time somehow for them.

[Mystic Dreamer]

True. I understand some people go thru unfortunate situations but still...

[Raven1018]

I think towards the end when you called him even after he did not respond and then texted him that little smart remark "since you dont have time for me I'll leave you alone" or whatever it was, was not in your best interest since all of a sudden you become the nagger and just fuels his reason to ignore you on top of whatever else he is supposedly "going through" if he really is. Though, I feel you girl and you definitely had reason to feel that way. When a guy is ignoring you or playing hard to get just try to keep those comments under control.

 

The two of you were not in a relationship, correct?

 

I think his behavior is very odd. He pursues you for a long time then just one day says he does not have time for you. Since his sis was saying he was ignoring her too maybe he just has a flaky personality. OR maybe he really does have a lot on his plate, and sadly right now perhaps you are not a priority. Maybe he does want to get back with his ex. Be weary of people who still have pictures of their ex on social media. When I was totally done with mine I was so disgusted by him and happy to move on deleting all his pics was no problem at all!

 

Honestly, I would just take this one as a loss.

What else are you supposed to do? YOU reached out to him. You tried. Cant force him to do anything. Im sure he gets the hint that yo want to speak to him. If hes letting this much time go by...he is not worth it right now. Maybe in the future.....but that might not be the near future. So let it go.

 

When was the last time you spoke to him?

Dont become hostile and show how much it is bothering you....maybe in a couple of months just text him "hey how are you?" just to show he did not get under your skin and you can still be the bigger person and be friendly with an old friend. But for now, consider this one over. You've done everything you could and expressed interest...you do anything else he'll feel he has you wrapped around his finger.

 

Good luck, hope I helped. I know this kind of thing is hard.

[Coak]

When you said "he ignored my texts and would answer them hours later", where is your proof that he ignored them? People get busy...phones get silenced... You're being selfish by saying he asked you to be patient but then thinking he's purposely ignoring you.

 

Ask yourself "Does this make sense?" If it doesn't, then ask him questions -- oh but wait, you did, and you found out he's going through some problems with his daughters mother and wants to spend more time with his daughter, so you've got your answers.. What more do you want?

 

No offense but it seems like he doesn't think you'd understand. Imagine this for a second. Image you being in his position, you met someone and you slept together, then you had his situation. If a guy told you "If you need to talk, I'm here", would you talk to him or just tell yourself that there's no way this person would understand the situation, and it would take too much out of both of you to explain the whole thing and it's too troublesome to even begin with? He just wants some space... You're actually going at this rate, you're going to push him farther and farther away.

 

What I see is a man that is going through a very trivial time in his life. A time when he needs his daughter and people whom understand his situation. Then he's got you, this woman he messed around with that's wanting a relationship with him.. but someone close to him is dying and his life is flashing before his eyes. It's a mixture of you getting too close, too soon and him not knowing what to do, he's not ignoring you, he's busy; he's going through emotional times. I personally don't believe this will last, you're coming on much too fast and much too heavy.

 

He's on social networks because he wants to talk to people whom know his already existing issues, people that wont ask questions and will treat him like they care but won't ask questions and make it into a big deal -- it helps people get over things. It's just poor timing...

 

Also, let's hope people pay attention; having sex immediately is NEVER a good thing. It destroys relationships and makes them VERY difficult later on, like this one example displays perfectly. I personally believe it's skewed because of physical contact happening prematurely. Misread emotions leads to long-term failure. You did the right thing to leave him be, it won't go anywhere.

[Mystic Dreamer]

When you said "he ignored my texts and would answer them hours later", where is your proof that he ignored them? People get busy...phones get silenced.

 

Yes true people get busy...but busy to the point where a person would text you and you don't respond but hours later you post a new status or picture on a social network? Sometimes he even posted a picture during the time I text him. And no he didn't ignore every single message but he started ignoring or replying late during the last couple of weeks we last had contact.

 

 

What more do you want?

 

No offense but it seems like he doesn't think you'd understand. Imagine this for a second. Image you being in his position, you met someone and you slept together, then you had his situation. If a guy told you "If you need to talk, I'm here", would you talk to him or just tell yourself that there's no way this person would understand the situation, and it would take too much out of both of you to explain the whole thing and it's too troublesome to even begin with? He just wants some space... You're actually going at this rate, you're going to push him farther and farther away.

 

What I see is a man that is going through a very trivial time in his life. A time when he needs his daughter and people whom understand his situation. Then he's got you, this woman he messed around with that's wanting a relationship with him.. but someone close to him is dying and his life is flashing before his eyes. It's a mixture of you getting too close, too soon and him not knowing what to do, he's not ignoring you, he's busy; he's going through emotional times. I personally don't believe this will last, you're coming on much too fast and much too heavy.

 

 

So according to you this it was my fault? My fault that a man pursues ME, asks ME to be with HIM and then tells me to be patient with him while he comes around whenever he feels like it because he's under stress?

 

He asked me out and then later on tells me he is going thru somethings. Maybe if he was upfront with this before all this started I would've thought about all this before I decided to accept his offer.

 

People go thru problems, yes, but that doesn't mean they they should treat other people poorly. When he asked me to be patient I understood and gave him more than enough space. If he didn't call for a day or two I never sweat it. When he text here and there every couple days I never sweat it and he knew I was always happy to hear from him because he could tell from my tone. I never brought up negative things and always asked how's doing and praised him for being a good dad. I nagged him about not seeing each other for a while because I knew his baby sitting situations. I would even follow his contact pattern so it wouldn't seem like I'm hounding him with just a simple hi and keeping the convo short. BUT when I saw that the contact started to become less than ever during the last couple of weeks and him posting pictures of himself out and about (movies, mall etc) that's when I became alarmed. And even still I never nagged him about that, I just kept it to myself.

 

What would I do if I was in his situation?

I wouldn't be dating anyone in the first place. I would take this time to be by myself to be with my daughter, handle my problems and make myself a better person. I would not pursue someone only to lead them on and come around when I feel like it. And even if I started not to like that person any more I would be upfront and tell them that it won't work rather than having them wonder.

 

As I said before he pursued me and he was the one who said he wanted a relationship before I could say anything. And yes I really liked him a lot too so the feelings were mutual. His actions after a few weeks were unfair even when I tried to be patient and understanding. If he felt that he couldn't handle a relationship at this time or he lost his feelings for me then he should've been honest rather than leading me on and have me wondering.