Guys: Have you ever dated a woman because you felt bad about rejecting her?

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm reading all these threads about women complaining about guys hooking up with them and then flaking and it's all too familiar. Guys I know do it all the time. Not me though. I'm not a 'desirable' male.

 

Anyway, I made the stupid mistake of getting friendzoned earlier this year. To try and drown my sorrows, I asked out a woman I really didn't like that much. I don't think she really liked me that much at very first either, but I worked some game, and she was pretty hooked after a few times.

 

She asked me to be exclusive, and we had already had sex at this point. I wanted to say no, but I just didn't want to do her like that. So I said, "Yea, sure, OK."

 

We dated for like 4 months, and had some fun together. We split due to circumstances having nothing to do with us and it was clean as a whistle. So it worked out well you could say. No feelings for her whatsoever. No heartbreak.

 

I was wondering if any other guys had an experience like this. You're just trying to hook up with this girl, might kinda like her, but not really, but don't want to totally hurt her feelings. I think this kind of thing happens more with guys who do poorly with women in general.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Or people with low self-esteem. I have known to hook up with guys like that because they were safe and wouldn't break my heart.

[TheZebra]

I feel like there's a disconnect between your title and what you wrote. Your title would suggest you don't want to reject a woman because you either feel bad for her (maybe she's ugly, but nice) or because you're scared of rejecting someone and how they'll react. The situation you described sounds more like you were bored and had nothing better to do so you took on a relationship you didn't care much about. All options sound equally bad in the long term though.

[GoodOnPaper]

I was wondering if any other guys had an experience like this. You're just trying to hook up with this girl, might kinda like her, but not really, but don't want to totally hurt her feelings. I think this kind of thing happens more with guys who do poorly with women in general.

 

Absolutely. When you're always on the receiving side of rejection, it can be very difficult to do the rejecting yourself -- you're too sensitive about how much it hurts and don't want to inflict that kind of pain on someone else. Plus, just not having practice at it makes it more difficult.

[EasyHeart]

Anyway, I made the stupid mistake of getting friendzoned earlier this year. To try and drown my sorrows, I asked out a woman I really didn't like that much. I don't think she really liked me that much at very first either, but I worked some game, and she was pretty hooked after a few times.

 

She asked me to be exclusive, and we had already had sex at this point. I wanted to say no, but I just didn't want to do her like that. So I said, "Yea, sure, OK."

 

We dated for like 4 months, and had some fun together. We split due to circumstances having nothing to do with us and it was clean as a whistle. So it worked out well you could say. No feelings for her whatsoever. No heartbreak.

 

I was wondering if any other guys had an experience like this. You're just trying to hook up with this girl, might kinda like her, but not really, but don't want to totally hurt her feelings. I think this kind of thing happens more with guys who do poorly with women in general.

That's called 'rebounding' and we've all done it. It's nothing to be proud of, but it's very, very common.

[iris219]

Or people with low self-esteem. I have known to hook up with guys like that because they were safe and wouldn't break my heart.

 

This^. I don't think it has much to do with not hurting anyone's feelings.

 

I know way too many men who are with women they seem to hate and not even be attracted to. I don’t get it.

 

It’s part of the reason it’s so hard for me to find single men--they are never single. They will go from one mediocre relationship to the next.

 

A lot of it has something to do with finding a “safe” option, like ES said above. One of my best friends had his heart broken by a couple of very attractive women. He says he married his wife because she was the first woman he felt like he could trust not to screw him over. She’s very quiet and plain, not his typical type at all. He says he’s miserable, but he’s committed to the relationship.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This^. I don't think it has much to do with not hurting anyone's feelings.

 

I know way too many men who are with women they seem to hate and not even be attracted to. I don’t get it.

 

It’s part of the reason it’s so hard for me to find single men--they are never single. They will go from one mediocre relationship to the next.

 

A lot of it has something to do with finding a “safe” option, like ES said above. One of my best friends had his heart broken by a couple of very attractive women. He says he married his wife because she was the first woman he felt like he could trust not to screw him over. She’s very quiet and plain, not his typical type at all. He says he’s miserable, but he’s committed to the relationship.

 

Yep iris, my brother is like that. He would be considered a catch. He is very good looking, smart, runs a successful business, kind etc.

 

Yet from 18-30 he hasn't been single for more than a couple of months stretch. He goes from one relationship to the other. He has had 4 LTRs. Once a rleationship ends, he would start a relationship with literally the first single girl he talks to. His only criteria is that the woman is not obese and that she is really into him. He is currently with a plain, very average girl in every way. When I ask him if he is happy, he always says "Meh, it beats being alone". Yet he is 100% loyal and committed to her.

 

At the root of this is that he is terrified of rejection, so he never asked out women he really liked. He is also the type of person that simply can't be alone...

[GoodOnPaper]

So what's the big deal about these guys opting out of singlehood if they don't like it? The first advice "nice guys" get on LS is to lower their standards. You can't do that and find your dream girl at the same time.

[iris219]

Yep iris, my brother is like that. He would be considered a catch. He is very good looking, smart, runs a successful business, kind etc.

 

Yet from 18-30 he hasn't been single for more than a couple of months stretch. He goes from one relationship to the other. He has had 4 LTRs. Once a rleationship ends, he would start a relationship with literally the first single girl he talks to. His only criteria is that the woman is not obese and that she is really into him. He is currently with a plain, very average girl in every way. When I ask him if he is happy, he always says "Meh, it beats being alone". Yet he is 100% loyal and committed to her.

 

At the root of this is that he is terrified of rejection, so he never asked out women he really liked. He is also the type of person that simply can't be alone...

 

This is why we can't find any good guys!

 

So what's the big deal about these guys opting out of singlehood if they don't like it? The first advice "nice guys" get on LS is to lower their standards. You can't do that and find your dream girl at the same time.

 

What's wrong with dating someone you don't really want to be with when you could easily get someone you do want, but you're too afraid of getting hurt? I think there's a lot wrong with this.

[crude]

I know way too many men who are with women they seem to hate and not even be attracted to. I don’t get it.

 

It’s part of the reason it’s so hard for me to find single men--they are never single. They will go from one mediocre relationship to the next.

 

 

This is why we can't find any good guys!

 

 

 

What's wrong with dating someone you don't really want to be with when you could easily get someone you do want, but you're too afraid of getting hurt? I think there's a lot wrong with this.

 

Wow! If you know men that are settling or even in a neutered relationship, why haven't you swung into action and pointed out to these guys that you're better for them than the bland they've saddled themselves with. This is a perfect example of a woman watching her life pass by because she's not being proactive and is just waiting for a man to do the running. Perhaps YOU'RE afraid of being the aggressor, and prefer posting smilies instead?

[EasyHeart]

I know way too many men who are with women they seem to hate and not even be attracted to. I don’t get it.

 

It’s part of the reason it’s so hard for me to find single men--they are never single. They will go from one mediocre relationship to the next.

This is exactly my experience -- with women! Most of the time, by the time I hear that someone broke up with her BF, she's already hooked up with some loser.

 

This is why we can't find any good guys!

Do you really want to date a guy who is terrified of rejection and never asks out women that he really likes?

[TheZebra]

 

At the root of this is that he is terrified of rejection, so he never asked out women he really liked. He is also the type of person that simply can't be alone...

 

My best friend is EXACTLY like this. She's what people call a 'serial monogamist' and is always in and out of a relationship. I don't think someone who lives that kind of life is healthy (mentally). I know in her case she grew up practically alone without any love or support from her parents and is a bit of a loner, so she tries to compensate by always having a guy who absolutely adores her (and she mistreats because she doesn't like him that much), no matter how terrible he is. Some of the men she brought into our dorm room... ugh, almost split apart our friendship in college.

[iris219]

Wow! If you know men that are settling or even in a neutered relationship, why haven't you swung into action and pointed out to these guys that you're better for them than the bland they've saddled themselves with. This is a perfect example of a woman watching her life pass by because she's not being proactive and is just waiting for a man to do the running. Perhaps YOU'RE afraid of being the aggressor, and prefer posting smilies instead?

 

I'm not trying to break up anyone's marriage!

 

My married friend I mentioned above knows I'm awesome. He tells me I'm so perfect that I will have no choice but to date down because no man will be good enough for me.

 

 

Do you really want to date a guy who is terrified of rejection and never asks out women that he really likes?

 

No.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Or people with low self-esteem. I have known to hook up with guys like that because they were safe and wouldn't break my heart.

 

 

Well. I think it's all state of mind. I was pretty happy when we were together. Sure, I wasn't crazy about her, but in a way, that's a good thing.

 

If I hooked up with you, and saw that you weren't that into it, neither would I be. So, it's symbiotic.

 

Happiness is a state of mind. It's not based on the person you are with. I'm starting to believe that. If I had rejected her, she would have been messed up because another guy had just done that to her (some good lookin' suave dude), so I'm glad that I didn't. And I'm happier for it.

[somedude81]

That's called 'rebounding' and we've all done it.

I haven't.

 

Or had someone rebound onto me.

[somedude81]

Yep iris, my brother is like that. He would be considered a catch. He is very good looking, smart, runs a successful business, kind etc.

 

Yet from 18-30 he hasn't been single for more than a couple of months stretch. He goes from one relationship to the other. He has had 4 LTRs. Once a rleationship ends, he would start a relationship with literally the first single girl he talks to. His only criteria is that the woman is not obese and that she is really into him. He is currently with a plain, very average girl in every way. When I ask him if he is happy, he always says "Meh, it beats being alone". Yet he is 100% loyal and committed to her.

 

At the root of this is that he is terrified of rejection, so he never asked out women he really liked. He is also the type of person that simply can't be alone...

Maybe I should try that.

 

Go for the "Meh" girls. Since going after the girls I actually like and am attracted to never works out.

 

Though I wonder if the Meh girl knows or cares about how the guy thinks of her.

[Anela]

Except that would defeat the entire purpose of love and attraction.

 

Apart from that, I don't think anybody wants to be a "meh" in the eyes of their SO.

 

I once read a post (elsewhere) from someone who found out that her husband was in love with another woman, and had only settled for her because the ex was no longer an option, and it was heartbreaking. I think they'd been married under a year, she was in love with him, and he actually told her that he'd settled.

[iris219]

I once read a post (elsewhere) from someone who found out that her husband was in love with another woman, and had only settled for her because the ex was no longer an option, and it was heartbreaking. I think they'd been married under a year, she was in love with him, and he actually told her that he'd settled.

 

I think it's surprisingly common, and definitely seems to be the case for a lot the men I know, including the one I went out with last night. He is going through a divorce after his wife cheated. He said he was in some ways relieved when she cheated because he knew it meant their marriage was over and he didn't love her.

 

This is an interesting article on the topic:

 

http://http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/02/21/why-men-are-settling-for-mrs-good-enough.html

[NoMoreJerks]

I once read a post (elsewhere) from someone who found out that her husband was in love with another woman, and had only settled for her because the ex was no longer an option, and it was heartbreaking. I think they'd been married under a year, she was in love with him, and he actually told her that he'd settled.

All this reminds me of my ex. We were in what I thought was a relationship , for 6 months, and he told me about 4 months into it (and then again just before dumping me) that he never loved me or felt attracted to me. He said he liked me as a friend and didn't want to hurt me, but that's about it. Probably why it took him several attempts to break "free" of me (well, besides the fact that he has major issues and is a narcissist, and was just using me for companionship and sex, or what is usually referred to as "narcissistic supply"). He got a big ego boost from winning me over , so much so that he no longer even looked like the guy I had met at first. He was shy and reserved at first, when I met him in a pub. After a few months of going out, he was the complete opposite because I kept giving him an ego boost. He had very low self-esteem, and kept saying that he was getting old (he just turned 40), etc. And I kept saying he was handsome and sexy and smart, and he kept saying "that's good to know, for the future." I never really thought much about that response, but now that I think about it, it was pretty much him thinking out loud about the fact that he was just using me for an ego boost, and he never intended to stay with me. By then, though, I was already in love with him (in part because he was my first and it's always more intense the first time around, I guess).

 

I was the type of person who wouldn't settle for anything less than what I wanted (when meeting someone at first anyway, in terms of looks / attraction). That's why I waited until 29 to even have sex with a guy.. only to find out that the guy I had sex with had settled for me, because he just wanted sex, temporary companionship, and an ego boost.

Edited December 28, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[somedude81]

What boggles my mind is with the obvious sadness of being with somebody who doesn't love you and is not attracted to you, why do people tell me that I should settle for an obese woman.

 

Why wish that unhappiness on anybody when that will be the only outcome?

[Axee]

An obese woman can lose weight ,ever thought that way..??

 

There are men and women who marry even sick and diseased people happily? Though about that?

 

Learn to look BEYOND outerly superficial things, then you will start uncovering layers and layers of personality .

 

No one asks you to "settle" , you should actually learnt to retrain your mind to understand what is real and what is not.

A good looking girl will not remain same at 40 yrs , thought about that?A girl becomes physically attractive only because of her genes,later on some effort and constant struggle maybe? nothing more . period.

[Axee]

All this reminds me of my ex. We were in what I thought was a relationship , for 6 months, and he told me about 4 months into it (and then again just before dumping me) that he never loved me or felt attracted to me. He said he liked me as a friend and didn't want to hurt me, but that's about it. Probably why it took him several attempts to break "free" of me (well, besides the fact that he has major issues and is a narcissist, and was just using me for companionship and sex, or what is usually referred to as "narcissistic supply"). He got a big ego boost from winning me over , so much so that he no longer even looked like the guy I had met at first. He was shy and reserved at first, when I met him in a pub. After a few months of going out, he was the complete opposite because I kept giving him an ego boost. He had very low self-esteem, and kept saying that he was getting old (he just turned 40), etc. And I kept saying he was handsome and sexy and smart, and he kept saying "that's good to know, for the future." I never really thought much about that response, but now that I think about it, it was pretty much him thinking out loud about the fact that he was just using me for an ego boost, and he never intended to stay with me. By then, though, I was already in love with him (in part because he was my first and it's always more intense the first time around, I guess).

 

I was the type of person who wouldn't settle for anything less than what I wanted (when meeting someone at first anyway, in terms of looks / attraction). That's why I waited until 29 to even have sex with a guy.. only to find out that the guy I had sex with had settled for me, because he just wanted sex, temporary companionship, and an ego boost.

 

I hear you...guess we should give time to a person and to a relationship and then discover that they are indeed suitable for us

[JuneJulySeptember]

Maybe I should try that.

 

Go for the "Meh" girls. Since going after the girls I actually like and am attracted to never works out.

 

Though I wonder if the Meh girl knows or cares about how the guy thinks of her.

 

If you read my original post buddy, it wasn't sad for me at all. Quite the opposite really. Almost like friends with benefits and when it ended, not a tear, or tinge of sadness to be found.

 

Overall, really a positive experience for me. Had fun, and upped my experience and confidence. In other words, it added to my happiness.

 

You have to make your own rules in life about what makes you happy.

[Ruby Slippers]

I feel like I'm in a mild version of this situation now. I've got a great guy who does all the right stuff to reassure me and keep things moving forward, is a leader in his profession and a rock-solid provider, honest and kind, cute and sexy, and I think could be a loyal, good partner for life.

 

He's a very practical, responsible, loyal guy, and I think he sees me as a very good match he could have a good life with, but not someone he's crazy about. He's very attached to me because of our bond, the affection and closeness, and so on. And I get the impression he thinks I'm a great girl and he should feel that for me - but does not.

 

I'm torn, because in many ways we are great together, and maybe it will take longer than 6 months for his feelings for me to develop. I was taken with him right away. On the other hand, I think maybe I should end it so we can both move on to a better match. I could try to stay friends with him. It's nothing personal. I can see this is hard on him, too, and it's really nobody's fault - it's just the way it is.

 

Personally, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with a guy who doesn't really love me and feels he is settling. Sure, he would help with all the necessities of life, but I'd feel so unloved and sad, it wouldn't even matter.

[Anela]

I think it's surprisingly common, and definitely seems to be the case for a lot the men I know, including the one I went out with last night. He is going through a divorce after his wife cheated. He said he was in some ways relieved when she cheated because he knew it meant their marriage was over and he didn't love her.

 

This is an interesting article on the topic:

 

http://http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/02/21/why-men-are-settling-for-mrs-good-enough.html

 

I'd like passion and friendship - thinking of that quote that love is friendship set on fire (or something like that). I don't want to settle, just because I'm not Natalie Portman, and I'd hate to be someone's only option.

 

All this reminds me of my ex. We were in what I thought was a relationship , for 6 months, and he told me about 4 months into it (and then again just before dumping me) that he never loved me or felt attracted to me. He said he liked me as a friend and didn't want to hurt me, but that's about it. Probably why it took him several attempts to break "free" of me (well, besides the fact that he has major issues and is a narcissist, and was just using me for companionship and sex, or what is usually referred to as "narcissistic supply"). He got a big ego boost from winning me over , so much so that he no longer even looked like the guy I had met at first. He was shy and reserved at first, when I met him in a pub. After a few months of going out, he was the complete opposite because I kept giving him an ego boost. He had very low self-esteem, and kept saying that he was getting old (he just turned 40), etc. And I kept saying he was handsome and sexy and smart, and he kept saying "that's good to know, for the future." I never really thought much about that response, but now that I think about it, it was pretty much him thinking out loud about the fact that he was just using me for an ego boost, and he never intended to stay with me. By then, though, I was already in love with him (in part because he was my first and it's always more intense the first time around, I guess).

 

I was the type of person who wouldn't settle for anything less than what I wanted (when meeting someone at first anyway, in terms of looks / attraction). That's why I waited until 29 to even have sex with a guy.. only to find out that the guy I had sex with had settled for me, because he just wanted sex, temporary companionship, and an ego boost.

 

I thought I'd met someone good for me, that I was strongly attracted to, as well. I mentioned him to you before - the one who ended up going to Thailand, when I thought he would be visiting me (or I, him). And then he proceeded to gaslight me. He was still in love with his ex (who broke up with him almost ten years ago - well, he broke up with her, thinking she would eventually break his heart because men were all over her). He then proceeded to tell me he was in love for the first time in ages, the day before my birthday last year- only I found it a week later. It broke me, because I'd waited so long, and thought my luck with men had finally changed. Nope, I guess my looks are sub-standard, even though I've been complimented in all sorts of other ways. I wanted someone stable, with mutual attraction involved. He was the one to keep contacting me, until he got into his new party lifestyle (even then, he was the one contacting me which I didn't understand - I was too trusting and ignored red flags).

 

That guy kept going on about women not wanting him - it turned out I didn't count. He was full of compliments, as I said, but he wanted the gorgeous women he bitched about, who wanted the fancy car, the big wallet, etc. he needed the ego boost of a trophy - or more than one trophy.