I think he might be married??

[xra]

Long story short (I promise, it's pretty intriguing):

 

I met a guy on an online dating website in the middle of September. He's 23, is an officer in the military who's been stationed in my city for the last 2 years. He asked me out, I agreed, and we hit it off immediately. He's been a perfect gentleman since the very beginning - in fact, I got the 'too good to be true' vibes right off the bat about him. He's tall, confident (even a little cocky), handsome, intelligent, athletic, and a talented musician... in my experience, such types usually turn out to be players. So I while I found him very attractive, I never quite let my guard down with him. He stated from the beginning that he's completely single and is looking for a relationship.

 

He requested to add me on FB after a couple of casual dates, before we ever kissed or anything. As soon as I added him, I went to look at his profile picture....and the very first comment, dated about a month ago, said "congrats on the recent wedding!" Uh oh....

 

I decided to do some more research. His family lives out of state, and I googled his name and immediately saw a wedding registry for someone with his name, in his family's state. The wedding was dated in September 2012. I tried to find the bride's name on FB but she didn't seem to have an account - but he did have several pictures of himself with this girl from two years ago. I then decided to look at his sisters' FB profiles - which led me to a wedding photographer, where - big surprise!! - I saw several pictures of him and this girl, at their wedding, which was in early September 2012. Right around the time he first started chatting to me online. He's not tagged in any of them, but it's clearly him, right down to the tattoos.

 

So all signs point to a giant player, jerk, and married cheater, right? Well here's what's weird about the situation:

 

1. There's no trace of his bride on his FB profile, since the pics in 2010. No wedding photos, no relationship status, no comments mentioning her, nothing.

2. If he did get married, it was literally across the country from where he currently lives, and she never sees him. He flies back to that part of the country maybe once half a year...what's the point of getting married to someone so far away? Tax benefits? He'll be staying here for another year at the least.

3. He's very open about everything - gave me his phone password and let me hold on to it when he was not around (I didn't snoop), and invited me to his house (he lives alone, no traces of any bride/wife/wedding there either). He's introduced me to his friends and even to his sister, who came to visit him a few weeks back.

4. He's posted multiple pictures of himself with me on his FB, and yesterday changed his profile pic to one where he's holding me in his arms. His family members can clearly see his profile pic.... if he's married, shouldn't this raise flags for them??

 

Sooo to summarize, I'm really confused. There are pictures of him online getting married, but all other evidence points to him being single?!

 

He asked me to be his girlfriend today via text. I said that we should have the conversation in person. Now, I obviously need to find out if he's married or not...How should I go about it? Ask him straight out? Present him with the pics I found online? I really do like him a lot, but looks like I might be just wishfully thinking here

 

Any and all advice/opinions are very much appreciated! Thanks in advance

[2sunny]

Ask him!

 

Sheez, don't people communicate honestly anymore?

[xra]

Ask him!

 

Sheez, don't people communicate honestly anymore?

 

Read my post first. I have asked him if he's single or not. He said HE IS SINGLE. Now I'd literally have to accuse him of lying and say, "Are you actually married and concealing it from me and everyone else?"

[TheFinalWord]

2. If he did get married, it was literally across the country from where he currently lives, and she never sees him. He flies back to that part of the country maybe once half a year...what's the point of getting married to someone so far away? Tax benefits? He'll be staying here for another year at the least.

 

Having a mistress is the benefit? So what about a phone. You can have more than one of those He lives alone in a house his wife does not live in. That is not like him living in his hometown. It would be easy to live a double life in his scenario. Not saying I know for sure, but none of these potential covers are that ingenious. Like the others said, just ask him what does the pics mean?

 

Me personally, whenever I see someone asking questions on this forum about shady behavior, you know the truth already.

[2sunny]

You can pay money to get a report on him. For 50 bucks you get everything.

 

Intelius - I've used that site.

[TheFinalWord]

You can pay money to get a report on him. For 50 bucks you get everything.

 

Intelius - I've used that site.

 

Good call. He may be recently divorced (trying to give him the benefit of the doubt). But I don't think that's much better, honestly, given how quick it would have happened.

[2sunny]

If I wonder - I stop dating them. My gut has never been wrong.

[Ninjainpajamas]

So you saw them dressed as the bride and groom? I'm assuming that's what you say, but just making sure.

 

Sounds like he is married from everything you said, what are the chances of him being in the registry, finding photos of him in his profile dressed to wed, and a facebook comment in regards to the marriage?

 

Maybe he's in an open relationship, maybe he married for papers/benefits, sounds like something he definitely should have at least told you about as who would add you to their FB with this kind of evidence and then just not say anything about...even that's would be a bit on the idiotic side of a man to do if that was the case.

 

As far as the phone, he could have another one or delete calls/texts, i wouldn't focus too much on that, he offered that so chances are he has it on lock down unless he's just really careless.

 

Everything is also flowing very smoothly and every thing is going without a hitch, which if you say he's such of a catch it's odd he'd be this on a roll with a girl he just met as I'm sure he has options...unless this is how he genuinely feels but even so he seems completely eager and willing to the point where he's almost trying to cover ground very quickly with you to get you more deeply invested, maybe then he would drop a bomb on you?

 

If I were you I'd probably try and do a little more research on this because it is a huge red flag regardless of everything else like his family and sister being on his FB and able to see...that doesn't make a lot of sense however family can be complacent to cheaters and not intervene with their personal business...but still that is odd as if you could be making this whole story up.

 

Otherwise ask him if he's ever been married, or what his longest relationship was, dig a little into his past by asking him questions. The thing is that it seems like a better idea in this situation to keep him feeling like everything is ok and safe to a degree, while you do a little espionage and make sure everything is kosher or he's gong to tie up the loose ends because of your inquistion...this guy could just be very good at what he does and he could have a string of women set up along with you, the possibilities are many, but I wouldn't trust this guy with those kind of question marks, be careful with your emotions, once he locks you in...If he is a player, that's what he needs to pull the wool over your eyes, so stay out of clouds until you figure this out that's for sure.

 

And yes honestly, this is definitely grounds for an exit out of a relationship, even if he has a good excuse...he should really have no excuse to cover this up and if he was biding his time to admit this to you then you should definitely get out, whatever your heart tells you, because it will be wrong.

Edited November 5, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[phineas]

Seriously, just call him out on everything you saw.

 

what exactly do you have to lose?

Why invest time & energy into a possible cheater?

[FitChick]

Fake Facebook page?

[LadyGrey]

If he is married he of course is going to lie if you ask him. So it's foolish to ask.

 

Do what sunny said, do some background checking on the sly. Don't feel guilty, you have the right to protect yourself. If you don't............who will?

 

Listen to your gut.......save yourself some hurt and verify that he can be trusted or he can't before you proceed.

[VeveCakes]

Fake Facebook page?

 

This!!! My sisters bf has this... He is cheating sack of ****.

[Drseussgrrl]

That's the first thing I thought. Fake facebook page.

 

If it looks like a duck...

[Ruby Slippers]

He requested to add me on FB after a couple of casual dates, before we ever kissed or anything. As soon as I added him, I went to look at his profile picture....and the very first comment, dated about a month ago, said "congrats on the recent wedding!" Uh oh....

 

I then decided to look at his sisters' FB profiles - which led me to a wedding photographer, where - big surprise!! - I saw several pictures of him and this girl, at their wedding, which was in early September 2012. Right around the time he first started chatting to me online. He's not tagged in any of them, but it's clearly him, right down to the tattoos.

I would tell him I noticed that comment on his profile picture, and found these pictures, and ask him if he's married.

 

Even if this is a marriage of convenience for some specific benefits, he should have disclosed this up front.

[xra]

So I posted about this awhile back, please see my OP for more detailed info if you'd like (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/355404-i-think-he-might-married). In light of a LOT of new information, decided to just start a new thread.

 

Long story short, I met a guy online in early October and we started casually seeing each other. He's very sweet and caring, and a perfect gentleman, and I started liking him right off the bat. His family lives out of state (he's a military officer stationed in my city for the past 2 years).

 

After he added me on FB a few weeks ago, I looked at one of this profile pics and saw a post saying "congrats on the recent wedding!". After some more research on FB, I came across a wedding photographer and - my guy's wedding pics. Apparently, he got married in his family's state in early September of 2012 (3 weeks before I met him online). I didn't know what to think of all this, since there was no indication anywhere on FB of him being anything other than single (he's FB friends with most of his family, including his sisters and mother). I put off asking him about my discovery, hoping to catch him in a lie instead, until today.

 

Yesterday, he officially asked me to be his girlfriend on FB by requesting a relationship status change, which all of his family members would be able to see. I finally decided to confront him and ask him about his wedding pics I saw online. Here is what he told me: he got engaged to this girl two years ago, and they've lived on opposite sides of the country ever since, until the wedding 2 months ago. They saw each other rarely, but carried on the relationship despite having problems because of the distance. Her family paid $40k for the wedding, and he said that they just kept on with the facade up and through the wedding ceremony. He said they put on happy faces for everyone because their families expected them to be together... So essentially, he says they had a wedding ceremony but never completed the official wedding license, because he claims that she called the whole thing off. So he was never legally married. Keep in mind, this was 3 months ago, and just about a month before he met me online.

 

My main problem with the situation is that he never told me about it, and I had to find out on my own and confront him. His reasoning for not telling me is because he said he was afraid he'd scare me away - which, I have to be honest, is probably exactly what would've happened if he said he was sort-of-but-not-really married a couple months ago.

 

Is it possible that he might be telling the truth?? He's only 23, and people certainly make stupid mistakes at this age, but this is a little extreme. Is there any way to corroborate his version of the story? I tend to believe him because if he was really married and trying to cheat with me, his FB updates about me, photos with me, and relationship status with me would be visible to his whole family....

 

what to do?? I looked up his name and the bride's name in the public records of the state where the ceremony took place, and there was no existing marriage record. I've even considered hiring a private investigator, for God's sake... I still really like this guy. Does anyone have any previous experience with anything similar?? I would really appreciate any and all advice, thank you in advance!

Edited November 11, 2012 by xra

[FitChick]

Is the wife pregnant?

 

Are you sure he told you the correct state? I'd search every state on the coast if I were you.

[Tara247]

C'mon, Xra. There are a lot of men out there. You do not want to be involved with a man like this who sounds like a nutcase with a ridiculous life.

[2sure]

So he should have no problem changing his relationship status to "in a relationship with xxx".

[carhill]

Yesterday, he officially asked me to be his girlfriend on FB

Interesting. Usually a gentleman asks a lady to be his girlfriend while holding her in his arms gazing into her eyes.

 

Since you know the bride's name, run a background check for verification and, if verified authentic (meaning her information matches his words), then contact her and get her side of the story.

 

This advice presumes that there are no other red flags.

 

Your situation is exactly what I was speaking to when offering opinion in another thread about 'trashing someone's house', meaning another's marriage or relationship. How do you really know if this guy is in a relationship or married to someone else? People intent on deceit can be amazingly skilled in their prosecution of it.

 

That you've known him barely a month and he's proclaiming you to be his girlfriend to the 'world' so shortly after his failed wedding, I'm sure any member of his family would be happy to hear the good news directly from you. Call up his mother or father and share your joy with them. I'm sure they will have plenty to offer.

 

Trust, but verify.

 

Alternatively, as suggested by others, continue socializing with other men and continue this association as non-exclusive. Time has a way of revealing all (or most) truths. Good luck.

[FitChick]

I would believe it was a sham marriage if the bride was foreign and she did it to stay in the US. If her family could afford to pay that much for a wedding, perhaps they paid him. If it's not a real marriage, he should have no problem with your contacting the wife to verify.

[Yookie]

Run girl... RUN!!! If you believe this mess, I have a bridge to sell you.

[xpaperxcutx]

Really a sham wedding for 40k? I thought we were in a recession. Sorry, but someone with such a messy past shouldn't even be contemplating a relationship at the present time.

[xra]

So he should have no problem changing his relationship status to "in a relationship with xxx".

 

Well yes, that's exactly what he wants to do, change his relationship status to "In a relationship with" me.

 

 

Interesting. Usually a gentleman asks a lady to be his girlfriend while holding her in his arms gazing into her eyes.

 

He did ask me to be his girlfriend in person, actually, before requesting the status change on FB.

[xra]

C'mon, Xra. There are a lot of men out there. You do not want to be involved with a man like this who sounds like a nutcase with a ridiculous life.

 

Sadly, my relationship history is full of messes like this. My previous BF turned out to be a pickup artist, and my other main 'suitor' right now is my best friend's ex of 3 years, who's been chasing after me ever since they broke up (admittedly he's a great guy, but I can't get past his whole history with my best friend). Must be something wrong with me to keep attracting all this drama... :/

[ascendotum]

Interesting. Usually a gentleman asks a lady to be his girlfriend while holding her in his arms gazing into her eyes.

This is what I thought too. WTF. FB status is how she found out she was now in a relationship with this guy.

I wonder if he used FB to update his status back to single the week after the wedding, to give everyone a heads up, its over.

People intent on deceit can be amazingly skilled in their prosecution of it.

Totally. There's players out there who are skilled at building up the perfect fake image. Its not illegal.

 

Really a sham wedding for 40k? I thought we were in a recession.

I also think its a bit ****ed to let his inlaws (now ex inlaws supposedly) fork out 40K for a wedding he knew was a sham. While 'he says' it was the girl that pulled the plug on the marriage just after the ceremony, you dont know that for sure.

 

Sadly, my relationship history is full of messes like this.

I doubt very much that its exclusively just drama guys that are attracted to you. They just stand out as the most exciting/attractive for you I'd say.

Edited November 12, 2012 by ascendotum