Your girlfriend's/boyfriend's sexual history

[TheSingleGuy]

I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone earlier today and somehow we got on the topic of history. I mentioned that I don't want to hear her history at all. She told me about some of her sexual history 4 months ago and it still eats at me to this day. (I didn't tell her that, but it does.)

 

Honestly, I'd have no problem telling her my history at all. It's hearing her history that scares me. I don't want to hear details of her doing sexual things with other men. No thanks. That's only going to f*** with my mind. I'm really in love with her.

 

Then, she tells me that she doesn't want to tell me her sexual history but she wouldn't be very bothered to hear mine. She's only been sexually active for 4 years. (I get the feeling there must be some real skeletons in her closet in those years!)

 

So, I'm sitting there thinking about this all afternoon. Is this a typical way of thinking between men and women who love each other? Or could this mean that she's not that in love with me? Or does it mean that women aren't mentally geared the way men are? Like, the idea of the man being with another woman is not nearly as bad to a woman as the idea of the woman being with another man is to a man?

 

Any thoughts?

[Quiet Storm]

My experience has been that men are more bothered by the sexual history, and women by the emotional history.

 

If you had a long term ex girlfriend and you described the emotions that you felt about her, it may bother her more than thinking of you doing things sexually to her.

 

My husband was bothered by my sexual history and it wasn't very much at all because we started when I was fifteen and have been together 21 years, with an 8 month break up in my senior year of HS. I went to senior week in Ocean City during this time and man, you should've heard the questions when we got back together. He was seriously stressing about it. I, on the other hand, didn't really care what he did sexually when we were broken up. If he would've been seriously dating a girl and had feelings for her, I would've cared.

[TheSingleGuy]

Quiet Storm, that is FASCINATING! I remember reading a book about this topic a while back and it basically said the same thing. I hope we get some more good input on this thread.

[january2011]

With all my partners, including the current one, we talked about sexual history. But only the headline information, without a deep-dive into the details.

 

From experience, very few people can deal with the mental images resulting from such deep-dives.

[thatone]

well i'm one of the exceptions in that i really don't care about a woman's sexual past or lack thereof.

 

but i'm not young, per se. i'm 35 and my gf is as well. we've both had relationships and FWBs and all things in between, and have talked about them. that goes with being middle aged instead of in our 20s or late teens, in my opinion.

 

i think we're both much more attentive of each other's attitudes about our pasts than what those pasts entail. of course both of us wanted to know whether the other was still attracted/attached to an ex. that's not the case. and we both wanted to know that the other wasn't in the habit of repeating past mistakes like using sex for power/control or a pattern of infidelity. that isn't the case with either of us either.

 

so with all of those potential red flags eliminated it doesn't really matter.

[yongyong]

Then, she tells me that she doesn't want to tell me her sexual history but she wouldn't be very bothered to hear mine.

---------------------------------------------------------------

She is trying to mind fxck you. A cop is telling you 'you seem like a good person. everyone makes a mistake. it's ok tell me what happen. it's ok.....'

Next thing you realize you have handcuffs on your hands.

Don't fall into that kind of stupid mind trick.

 

Even if she tells you 'oh I blew this guy I just met at the house party and swallowed it' when you guys are in fighting to piss you off, you don't have to tell her the similar stuff. Just laugh at her and she is going to realize she just called herself a slut.

[veggirl]

I take it you are both quite young?

 

I'm late 20s, I don't ask about my BFs sexual past, at all. I don't really care to hear about it. I know he has obviously had sexual partners, but how many --I don't know and don't really care to know. We don't talk about it. I have never told him my # or any stories or anything.

[mostlyclueless]

I think the only reason anyone would care about their partner's past is due to deep-seated insecurities.

 

Jealousy is a measure of insecurity and fear, not a measure of love.

 

My partner and I openly discuss our past relationships and experiences.

[RiverRunning]

It always bothered me when my ex talked about his ex or detailed their sexual history. Come to think of it, it was the giant-ass smile on his face when he talked about their sex history that really ate at me, like the time he and his ex were apparently off doing it in her room, then came out to find that one of her roommates was actually home, and they were embarrassed by that.

 

The fact that he put so much stock into banging her, and apparently was still so hung up on her, ate at me more than anything. It could be that the same applies to you. Or, indeed, like many men, you're more threatened by her sexual experience because you're afraid that you don't measure up, so to speak.

 

Toward the end of my relationship, it actually didn't bother me much. But take note it was 'toward the end.' I had probably started removing myself from him emotionally by that point.

 

I'd say wait it out and try to focus on other things. Work on your job, physical fitness, hobbies, school, etc. - I often find that those who are most bothered by someone else's past have very little going for themselves in the present.

[TooNice91]

If it's real love, then it's something I'm sure you'll get over!! You've had partners, and so has she. It's not fair to judge her based on her past. You sound like you really do love her. This may be very intimate, but worth some thought: when telling you her history, was there-uh-something she did with another partner, that she is unwilling to do with you? Or something she did with another partner that she lied about previously?

 

Because, that's something you need to openly talk to her about.

 

Good luck!

[TheSingleGuy]

Toonice91,

 

This girl told me about her FWB. She would go over to his apartment. He lived with his girlfriend. His girlfriend would be in the living room and she'd go into the bedroom with this guy. She said she was basically friends with his girlfriend.

 

That entire story just doesn't sit well with me. But what am I supposed to do? All women have history in this generation.

 

My theory is that when men fall in love, we're way more bothered by our girlfriend's sexual past than women are of men's sexual past. Just a theory of mine based on nothing more than a gut feeling, really.

[fortyninethousand322]

I don't want to know sexual history either. I'd prefer to assume everyone is just as green as I am.

[Kaplan]

My theory is that when men fall in love, we're way more bothered by our girlfriend's sexual past than women are of men's sexual past. Just a theory of mine based on nothing more than a gut feeling, really.

 

I agree with this theory, based on experience and observing people. If my fiance told me a story like that, I would be bothered by it. I'd get over it, but it would bug me.

 

Any comment about sex with another person bothers me a little, and I don't know why. I don't know if in some weird way it makes me wonder about her character, or if it makes me jealous, or what. I think maybe it's just gross, and there's nothing more to it.

 

But I always opt not to have those kinds of conversations.

[irin]

i dont think its insecurity, it is natural to feel unease when hearing about a person you love being with other people.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

 

From experience, very few people can deal with the mental images resulting from such deep-dives.

 

I went through this with my last girlfriend. I was always willing to answer any questions but was brief about it. She had a way of going into WAY too much detail, even getting this dreamy look on her face like she missed some of it.

 

Yea that does a lot for a guys confidence, let me tell you.

 

It's not a bad topic to go over but for crying out loud, nobody needs to needs details. Unless they ask for it, and even then it's probably not a good idea.

 

Leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

[zengirl]

Except for trying to assess if I was a virgin when I was very young, I have NEVER had a man ask about my sexual history with the exception of sexual health (free & clear, tested, etc), which I usually brought up first anyway. Not once did a man ask me. Honestly. Nor did I ever bring it up.

 

I would share some, I guess, but I would never share really specific details, even if Hubby asked. It would seem . . . wrong. I mean, every guy I slept with was a LTR, so basically every guy I slept with was someone I cared about and was intimate with, and it would feel like breaking a confidence almost to discuss too deeply. I could answer any basic "Have you evers?" of course but even that, pretty much never come up. Plenty of "Would you be up fors?" have come up.

 

I know Hubby has had sex before me, certainly, but no major details of his sex life either. It's not that knowing would bother me --- I just don't see the point of the discussion, really. We've talked about past Rs, but not a lot about sex, excepting our own.

[aj22one]

I don't want to know sexual history either. I'd prefer to assume everyone is just as green as I am.

 

Probably not a good idea. Most people have a history. It's better to accept it than deny it.

[newmoon]

i'm female. i don't share my past beyond very generic info. (certainly no sexual details) and i don't want to know about my man's past either. it would be hurtful, especially in a love relationship to hear about my bf's past lovers and any women he might have loved.

[Jane2011]

I've never had a problem hearing about a guy's sexual history, even details. It's never made me feel insecure. And, to my knowledge, the guys I've dated haven't had huge issues hearing about my past either (not that I recall going into it with all of them).

 

I do know that my long-term boyfriend and I talked about our histories in pretty great detail, and neither of us had any problem. I even wanted to meet one of his ex-girlfriends who he'd only been with for a month in the past, and it wasn't jealousy or insecurity that made me want to meet her (she had gotten married, and I was pretty sure that there would be no rekindling, etc.). I just wanted to meet her! I'm a fairly un-jealous person, I think, relative to other people.

 

I think in general, though, men do have huge issues with thinking about their girlfriends with other men. Last year, I dated this guy for only a month and a half, and we weren't even remotely serious with each other (I believe he was hung up on an ex while dating me). Yet, as un-serious as we were, he could not look at a picture of my ex. One day, we were on his lap top just looking at pictures of people on our respective Facebooks. He showed me a bunch of pics of a girl he used to date, and I looked eagerly and even commented about her..."she's pretty in that pic" "she looks like so-and-so," etc. Then, when I wanted to show him one of my ex, he just glanced for like a millisecond and looked away like "Yeah, no thanks, I don't wanna see that..." (and this was a guy I wasn't even serious with!)

[g450]

The thing about it is I have no problems with a girl having a history. We all have one.

 

But in my GF's case she had done things that made my stomach turn. Still bothers me even today. Stuff like threesomes with two married men etc.

 

It's ironic that a girl who is embearased to fart in front of you could be such a freak to somebody else. Maybe it was the booze at the time.

 

One thing that inevitebly came up is that she did something for some guy while drunk in a parking lot that she said she would not do for me because, in her words "I dont like doing that". Really? Then why did you do it for him? That was painful to hear and I had an issue with this for a long time.

 

Then one day came where she said she was going to do this for me. I told her at that point that I didnt want it anymore. Doing it would just be bitter sweet and I would just think of them doing it, drunk in the parking lot. Well for some reason, telling her this made it her mission in life.

 

Well eventually she did do it. Hell I let her. I was weak. But I did enjoy it none the less.

 

So basically I would like to at least know who she did. Its a small town and eventually we will cross paths with these people. I do not want to be blindsided. But spare me the details. Especially if you were an uber slut at one time.

[DjinnAgain]

It would not bother me to hear a boyfriend's sexual past. Emotional stuff is more apt to bother me if anything did. However, I don't need to hear it... For me, all that is relevent about the past is one thing...

 

"Have you ever contracted a venereal disease?"

 

After that, I can judge on my own thankyouverymuch.

 

 

I don't particularly want to divulge all of my past. Not that it's a secret, but WHY?

And someone who seemed obsessed with it or asked me a number or anything, as I mentioned before, would weird me out and I'd be prone to mess with them because of that. (Sorry! It's my personality!)

[USMCHokie]

The more sex I have, the less I care about her history. It's desensitization, really...

 

First girlfriend I had? It definitely freaked me out.

 

Now? Eh, whatev's.

[Chubbi]

Toonice91,

 

This girl told me about her FWB. She would go over to his apartment. He lived with his girlfriend. His girlfriend would be in the living room and she'd go into the bedroom with this guy. She said she was basically friends with his girlfriend.

.

 

Umm, are you sure this is a good woman? Is this something she brags about? Helping to cheating with her friend's bf, is that cool to her? I hope karma train doesn't hit her in **.

[TheSingleGuy]

Chubbi,

 

This girl wasn't cheating with this guy. That's the weird part of this. She'd go over to their apartment and his girlfriend was there, in the living room. She'd go in the bedroom and have sex with this guy while his girldfriend was in the living room.

 

Yes, I think this entire situation is F***ed up.

[make me believe]

Chubbi,

 

This girl wasn't cheating with this guy. That's the weird part of this. She'd go over to their apartment and his girlfriend was there, in the living room. She'd go in the bedroom and have sex with this guy while his girldfriend was in the living room.

 

Yes, I think this entire situation is F***ed up.

 

Eww, see something like that would definitely bother me. It seems so trashy. If my husband has any stories like that in his past (doubtful) I would NOT want to know! How does something like that even come up anyway?? Who in their right mind would think their current partner wants to hear about that?

 

I know very limited details about my H's sexual past. I know his # of partners and that his last gf had an extremely low libido. And one random story about a truck that I still don't know why he told me. lol.

 

I think talking about your sexual past with a partner is pretty much always a bad idea, and it seems pointless anyway. Why would my H need to know I did xyz with so-and-so? When you start getting into the gory details... it's just not necessary. And I agree with zengirl, it feels weird to discuss something so intimate that you shared with another person. I certainly wouldn't want my former bf's talking about our past sex life with their current partner.