"Intensity" In A Woman...

[Tybalt]

Is this something to which many men are averse? I ask because it has been suggested by a man that I "think too much" and am "intense." Yet the other night, my father and I were discussing various subjects including geopolitical issues, and I was getting a little impassioned about my views, and he stopped me and said, "there she is, there is the Tybalt I know!" He seems to think I've mellowed or watered myself down a bit over the past few years and he encourages me to, well, be more "me." Granted, he's my dad, but... I'm just curious if such a thing turns off men more often than not?

 

I am in no way militant, but I am passionate about exploring the human condition. I think I tend toward gleaning viewpoints and information from others, even more than expressing myself, and believe I am here on earth, in large part, to learn about and understand others. I think that is why I gravitate toward free thinking people, people who have grown up in different cultures, etc. I never feel so alive except when I am with other artists or open minded people, people with a philosophy or life experience that opens a new perspective into my own.

 

One addendum to this is that I feel people with complex viewpoints and/or personalities are sometimes... More complex to try to have relationships with... Maybe that is what is really bothering me and the reason I'm exploring this?

[USMCHokie]

Is this something to which many men are averse? I ask because it has been suggested by a man that I "think too much" and am "intense."

 

This sounds a bit like something a guy who has difficulties thinking would say.

 

I'm just curious if such a thing turns off men more often than not?

 

Just find a guy who can keep up...

 

One addendum to this is that I feel people with complex viewpoints and/or personalities are sometimes... More complex to try to have relationships with... Maybe that is what is really bothering me and the reason I'm exploring this?

 

I would tend to agree that more complex individuals are more likely to create more complex relationships...especially if both individuals are complex...

[ditzchic]

I'm in the same boat as you. I'm very passionate about a lot of things. I'm a thinker and I like to share my thoughts. Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment that it comes off like a rant or a tangent. I used to wish I weren't like that. That I could be more light-hearted and just fun but I tried that out a couple times and to me, that's just a boring way to be. Life isn't worth it unless you are really investing yourself in the things you enjoy doing and learning.

 

It's been a turn-off for a few guys in my life but I've come to the realization that it isn't my problem. They just aren't good matches for me. And no matter how cute, how great they look on paper, how good they are in the sack, I could never live the rest of my life with someone that doesn't share the same intense outlook on life as I. I agree with USMC, any guy that says you think too much means that he doesn't think enough to keep up with you.

 

I don't really think that a complex individual creates an complex relationship though. It depends on how emotionally stable and well adjusted the person is. You can be intense and passionate while still being logical and not being a drama queen/king. Part of being complex means that you can't easily be defined or pigeon-holed so trying to categorize someone like that as undateable is an oversimplification of a complex person. It's totally contradictory.

[veggirl]

I wonder if by intensity and "too much" they mean you are coming across as masculine?

 

Or, they are intimidated by intellect, in which case i agree with Hokie!

[Emilia]

 

One addendum to this is that I feel people with complex viewpoints and/or personalities are sometimes... More complex to try to have relationships with... Maybe that is what is really bothering me and the reason I'm exploring this?

 

Quite possibly.

 

To the question: some men might be intimidated but others (and I know a few) find women who don't show passion lifeless and boring. Horses for courses really. From what I have seen, the more outgoing and confident the man, the more he enjoys sparks. What types of men do you go for usually?

[Oxy Moronovich]

The OP and ditzchic are gonna need to elaborate on what they mean by "I'm passionate and intense". Lots of people would describe themselves that way. But many of them are just chatterboxes (the worst kind are those who seem to be only capable of talking about their issues and showing little interest in the issues of others). Other kinds of people are those who just like to argue and quarrel. They think you can win and argument and backing out of an argument is bad. Those "intense" people have a difficult time seeing their social skills are crummy.

 

I disagree with the idea that if a person has difficulty getting along with you than that's their fault, not yours. It's best not to be too easily swayed by criticism and not to be too dismissive. Even a person you don't like can have some valid criticisms.

[Emilia]

 

I disagree with the idea that if a person has difficulty getting along with you than that's their fault, not yours. It's best not to be too easily swayed by criticism and not to be too dismissive. Even a person you don't like can have some valid criticisms.

 

I think what ditzchick meant is she can be only herself and try to find men who are a good match rather than keep constantly modifying her behaviour for those that don't like it.

[ditzchic]

I think what ditzchick meant is she can be only herself and try to find men who are a good match rather than keep constantly modifying her behaviour for those that don't like it.

 

This is exactly what I meant. When I was younger and dumber I would always try and tone it down as to not "scare off" the good ones. But that always left me feeling uncomfortable. I didn't really know how to be that person so I would come off as awkward. Plus I would bore easily just nodding my head while he regaled me with stories of how wicked awesome drunk he got that one time 5 years ago. It's just not who I am or what interests me.

 

When I say I'm intense and passionate, I mean that I'm enthusiastic about talking about and doing the things I enjoy in life. I'm a thinker so I like to talk philosophy and politics. I like to talk about my interests and why I find them so interesting. I'm not an arguer or confrontational and I know when to agree to disagree and not let it affect my general view of the person. I just like to have adult conversations, is all. I don't think I'm the typical chatterbox because if I'm the only person talking after a minute or two I get bored and just shut up.

 

And being a complex person, that's only one part of me. There is also another ( kind of contradictory) side that can spew dick jokes and sarcastic one-liners like no one's business. I just get frustrated when that's the only part of me guys seem to be interested seeing.

 

And for the record, I never said not getting me was the other person's fault. It's a blameless situation really. If it's not there it's not there. I have never in my life tried to change a man so I would like him more. That's not fair to him. Just because we don't "click" doesn't make him a bad person.

[Oxy Moronovich]

This "you can only be yourself" jargon is garbage since there are a lot of people with bad personalities. Back when I was a conservative Christian, I thought fornicators, sexually promiscious people, homosexuals, women who worked in the sex industry, alcoholics, and people who worked at radioshack were automatically bad people. Anyone who went to church regularly was automatically a good person. That was who I was. And if people couldn't get along with these views that was their problem.

 

I've since changed my views because I believe self-criticism isn't a hinderance to happiness but an integral part of it. No need to change yourself constantly. It's just a bad thing to be dismissive toward personal change.

 

And ditzchic, you still haven't given me examples of what you're so "intense and passionate" about.

[Emilia]

I don't think you can fundamentally change your personality though and I don't think you should either. You should definitely polish the edges off but you can't turn the wicked witch of the west into Dorothy. Just not possible.

[tigressA]

My last ex always said "You think/talk too much". That was the worst relationship of my life. I am emotional and intuitive, I focus on nuances and sometimes this is my downfall--I can read too much into small things or jump to certain conclusions before I get the big picture or let anyone else explain anything to me. I am admittedly a bit of a drama queen--when I get mad enough I will raise my voice, cuss, gesticulate a lot. I am consistently working on reining in these behaviors.

 

What I described above is the negative side of the passionate/intense aspect of my personality. Positives: I will go off on tangents on issues I care about (student debt, bullying, politics, what breed of puppy I want, racism, sexism, relationship dynamics, thrifting/vintage and small boutiques compared to mainstream big-box stores, etc) and I love spirited discussion and debate. I am at turns sarcastic and silly and can easily make people laugh. The guy who said I talk and think too much was very...simple-minded. I couldn't talk with him about anything more than mundane surface stuff as he didn't concern himself with much more than that. It was so difficult trying to get along with him as I couldn't fathom someone not wanting to be more introspective and thoughtful and open to deep discussion. He would always try to shut me up. I tried to go along with that and felt very down in the end. I felt like I had lost myself. Thankfully, I have returned.

[veggirl]

Okay, EVERYONE likes to talk about their interests and things that are important to them. That is not "passion" or "intensity".

 

Something else is going on if some of you are continually being described this way in a negative way. Either you are coming off as too aggressive, or like all that matters is you and what you think/are interested in which just makes you seem un-fun.

[ditzchic]

This "you can only be yourself" jargon is garbage since there are a lot of people with bad personalities. Back when I was a conservative Christian, I thought fornicators, sexually promiscious people, homosexuals, women who worked in the sex industry, alcoholics, and people who worked at radioshack were automatically bad people. Anyone who went to church regularly was automatically a good person. That was who I was. And if people couldn't get along with these views that was their problem.

 

I've since changed my views because I believe self-criticism isn't a hinderance to happiness but an integral part of it. No need to change yourself constantly. It's just a bad thing to be dismissive toward personal change.

 

And ditzchic, you still haven't given me examples of what you're so "intense and passionate" about.

 

Just because you were a judgmental person with a closed mind doesn't mean everyone is. I have a very live and let live philosophy. No one in inherently a bad person, short of child molesters and murderers. I'm not dismissive to change. I'm constantly evolving who I am. I'm continuously trying new things in hopes of finding new interests. I look at it more as growing than changing though. I grow and adapt. The core of me (my values) are still the same.

 

I'm passionate about sports, any kind of physical activity, traveling, politics, religion and spirituality, my friendships, my family, love and living life to the fullest in general.

[ditzchic]

Okay, EVERYONE likes to talk about their interests and things that are important to them. That is not "passion" or "intensity".

 

Something else is going on if some of you are continually being described this way in a negative way. Either you are coming off as too aggressive, or like all that matters is you and what you think/are interested in which just makes you seem un-fun.

 

I've never heard any complaints from any guy I've seen more than, say, 3-ish times as too intense or passionate. This descriptor mainly comes from my family and it's not really in a negative way. I come from a large Italian family where passion abounds. lol.

 

I have been described as one ex as too serious though. He was an internet nerd that liked video games, facebook chat, watching TV and lots of sexting. And I've also been described by another as not serious enough. He was a financial analyst who didn't drink, rarely socialized, Newsweek was his lifeblood and he lived at the gym. Just goes to show that there are different strokes for different folks. Neither guy was inherently bad. Just not a good match.

[gaius]

Guys want their ego's stroked not argued with. You can be an intense girlfriend but if it collides with your boyfriends viewpoints and he's left feeling less intelligent after having a debate with you the relationship probably isn't going to last very long.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am intense and passionate; also at times introverted and even brooding. And smart, if I do say so myself .

 

When I was younger, I had difficulty because of those traits. Guys were definitely more attracted to girls with "light" and bubbly personalities. I was told outright that I was too "intense."

 

You know … there are people who are going to love that about you. I think it's harder to connect with people like that, though, in the usual social whirls of youth.

 

I certainly don't see ANY correlation between being "intense and passionate" and being a "chatterbox."

 

And, I agree that you need to be true to yourself. I mean, if you are a closed minded A-hole or a debbie downer, then you could work on it, but I doubt that either of those are the case. After all is said and done, you need to be with guys who actually appreciate you for who you are.

[tigressA]

One of my interests, which is a huge issue now, is student loan debt. It's my full-time job, which I love, and something I am also personally dealing with. I have a blog in the works. I can talk on it for hours and I style myself as 'the' person to answer questions. I read about it in the news on my spare time.

 

I think guys do want a woman who is passionate/intense about something, as described above. But Gaius does hit on something important. There are guys out there, unfortunately, who don't appreciate a woman who seems smarter than they are. If a guy feels overwhelmed by you during a discussion or debate, especially if it's something he feels he knows a lot about, he'll be intimidated and less likely to be attracted. This is where the comments about being 'intense' come in and they are usually meant in a negative way, meant to quiet you down so he can reclaim his position as the superior one.

[Oxy Moronovich]

I don't think you can fundamentally change your personality though and I don't think you should either. You should definitely polish the edges off but you can't turn the wicked witch of the west into Dorothy. Just not possible.

It is possible. Certain things like geographical environment, cultural environment, career, social lifestyle, financial change have an effect on people.

 

Years ago, Oxy was an introvert who lived in a social conservative town in Michigan, lived with his parents, worked in as an assistant manager in a fast food joint, took the bus to work, and wore drab, grungy clothes. I used to think I could be a virgin for the rest of my life and be fine with that.

 

These days, Oxy is extroverted in a pretty liberal town (I guess), lives in my own apartment, work for the state government (making more than twice what I made before), drives my own car, and yes, I do wear stetson hats and cowboy boots to wine-tasting events. And I shudder at the idea of going two months without sex.

 

If a person only lives the same basic life they led when they were young, of course it's unlikely they will change. But if a person's situation in life changes drastically and they make an effort to change, they will change.

 

Just because you were a judgmental person with a closed mind doesn't mean everyone is.

And it doesn't mean judgmental people are a small percentage of the world population.

 

I have a very live and let live philosophy. No one in inherently a bad person, short of child molesters and murderers. I'm not dismissive to change. I'm constantly evolving who I am. I'm continuously trying new things in hopes of finding new interests. I look at it more as growing than changing though. I grow and adapt. The core of me (my values) are still the same.

 

I'm passionate about sports, any kind of physical activity, traveling, politics, religion and spirituality, my friendships, my family, love and living life to the fullest in general.

How sure are you that your intense passion isn't a turn-off?

[ditzchic]

 

How sure are you that your intense passion isn't a turn-off?

 

I'm sure that it is a turn-off to some people. Anything can be a turn off to some people.

 

The point is that it is what it is. That part of a person isn't something that can really be changed. If it's enough of a turn-off to make someone not want me, then he isn't the guy for me.

 

I also have ridiculously tiny ears. I'm sure some guy out there could be extremely turned off by my head:ear ratio. Instead of opting for some kind of ear elongation procedure, I'll go with finding a guy that accepts them just the way they are. Maybe even someone that finds them adorable.

 

Same concept.

[Mme. Chaucer]

How sure are you that your intense passion isn't a turn-off?

 

I think the whole point is that a person who is, in fact, intensely passionate is going to need to be with a person who likes that about them rather than one who finds it a turn-off.

 

And the guys who are turned off are free to find non-intense girls. There are plenty of them.

 

I don't disagree that if you never stop talking about your passion, or if you won't listen to other views, or if you are so "intense" that you are scary, or if it's a downer to be with you, you might need to work on some of your social behavior. But, just BEHAVIOR. If being intense and / or passionate is part of the core of your being, then PLEASE don't throw yourself under a bus so you can be more popular with more guys. Just be true to yourself and the people who will appreciate that very quality about you (as well as love you for being true to yourself) will show up.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

I also have ridiculously tiny ears. I'm sure some guy out there could be extremely turned off by my head:ear ratio. Instead of opting for some kind of ear elongation procedure, I'll go with finding a guy that accepts them just the way they are. Maybe even someone that finds them adorable.

 

 

Just how tiny are they? I'm imagining the ears of a sea lion ...

[veggirl]

I'm passionate about sports, any kind of physical activity, traveling, politics, religion and spirituality, my friendships, my family, love and living life to the fullest in general.

 

PLEASE DON'T TAKE OFFENSE, but this is all so generic. You are passionate about ALL those things? What's the difference about being PASSIONATE about sports, travel, friendships, and just LIKING or being INTERESTED in. Like, I am def interested in sports. I follow baseball, football, and basketball very closely. I guess I am "passionate" about those things? What does that even mean?

 

I donno, when I think passion, I guess I kinda think "drama" cause it just seems like such an exaggeration and just kinda...a fluffy word to use. Passionate about friends? Huh?

 

I still think (back to OPs issue), if people are describing it negatively you are just coming across as too serious, obsessed, or aggressive.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

I still think (back to OPs issue), if people are describing it negatively you are just coming across as too serious, obsessed, or aggressive.

 

The OP said that "A man" said that she was too intense and thought too much.

 

One.

 

The way that the OP describes herself in her post, she does sound like a person who is, in fact, passionate about what moves her. It's not "fluffy." Yes, it can be a word that is over- or mis-used a lot.

 

The OP looks like she is "hot." There are going to be many guys who are put off by a girl who is "hot" and who is also thinking a lot, expressing those thoughts, etc. Why can't she just be hot? It's confusing!

 

Forget about guys like that! There are girls out there who will suit them perfectly, and you aren't one of them. Be grateful!

[ditzchic]

Just how tiny are they? I'm imagining the ears of a sea lion ...

 

Hahah. They aren't like little nubbin ears or anything but enough that whenever I tell people they are tiny and they ask to see they always go "Oh wow, they are really tiny." Lol. It's a real thing!

 

PLEASE DON'T TAKE OFFENSE, but this is all so generic. You are passionate about ALL those things? What's the difference about being PASSIONATE about sports, travel, friendships, and just LIKING or being INTERESTED in. Like, I am def interested in sports. I follow baseball, football, and basketball very closely. I guess I am "passionate" about those things? What does that even mean?

 

I donno, when I think passion, I guess I kinda think "drama" cause it just seems like such an exaggeration and just kinda...a fluffy word to use. Passionate about friends? Huh?

 

I still think (back to OPs issue), if people are describing it negatively you are just coming across as too serious, obsessed, or aggressive.

 

I'm not taking offense. I mean, I don't really know how to explain myself to you. But those are things I get really excited about. I can talk for hours about a game, play by play, if there's some kind of activity I want to try I will spend hours/days/weeks whatever training and preparing for it. I can get kind of to the point of obsession. I take friendships and relationships very seriously and I can and will philosophize about them. That's kind of what I mean.

 

You're right that "passion" is kind of a fluff word. That's why it's hard to put in words. But you guys asked me to explain myself so I'm trying to do that the best I can. Which, in a way, is part of the "passion" I am trying to explain. It's rare that I leave stones unturned or questions unanswered. I explore. I dig. I talk through things.

 

I hope that makes sense....

[kaylan]

Guys want their ego's stroked not argued with. You can be an intense girlfriend but if it collides with your boyfriends viewpoints and he's left feeling less intelligent after having a debate with you the relationship probably isn't going to last very long.

Sucks for the insecure dumb guys now dont it?