friend hooking up is more important than my bday...

[Roxanna]

My birthday is the day after a major holiday, and this year the holiday and my birthday happen to fall on a weekend. This is also a "big" birthday (one that people typically treat a little more special/bigger deal than some other bdays).

 

Because of the nature of the holiday/bday dynamic, I'm used to and fairly OK with never getting a big celebration - dinner and cake with my parents or bf usually. The last 2 years, however, I have spent quite a bit of time and $ attending and sometimes organizing and planning huge bday celebrations for my family, my bf's family, my bf, and assorted friends (we're roughly the same age and have been celebrating this "big" bday for everyone the last couple years). I feel that this year it's my turn to get an actual celebration, for the first time since I turned 16.

 

For various reasons, this year if I celebrate my birthday it has to be the actual weekend of my birthday, or else 7 weeks after my bday - and I don't see the point of celebrating it 2 months later.

 

This year, evidently one of my bf's friends who lives out of town decided that he is coming here for the holiday weekend, and I'm not sure how the details worked out, but he is staying with my bf for a long weekend, the weekend of my bday. Not knowing this, when my bf asked what I wanted to do for my birthday, I said I wanted to rent a house in a resort town for the weekend with a bunch of friends. I thought that would be a nice way, and a little different, to celebrate the holiday AND my birthday. My bf said that no, we can't do that because his friend is coming to town and the friend only wants to go out to bars, get wasted and try to pick up girls, which he will not be able to do if we rent the house.

 

I'm pretty disappointed, and a little bit angry too, if I'm honest. Besides NOT including my bf in my bday celebration, what are some other options here so we can both be happy?

[collegeguy_24]

Tell him what you've told us, that your tired of being ignored for your Bday and having to do all the work. Tell him to put his priorities in line or get lost.

[Roxanna]

Tell him what you've told us, that your tired of being ignored for your Bday and having to do all the work. Tell him to put his priorities in line or get lost.

 

He knows that I wanted to do something special, and he knows why I want to do something special - though not the part about going to so much expense and effort for others, even though that's how I feel, it's pretty selfish of me.

 

He has already told his friend that he can stay at his house, and is picking him up from the airport. I don't think it's fair to screw the friend over.

[collegeguy_24]

He knows that I wanted to do something special, and he knows why I want to do something special - though not the part about going to so much expense and effort for others, even though that's how I feel, it's pretty selfish of me.

 

He has already told his friend that he can stay at his house, and is picking him up from the airport. I don't think it's fair to screw the friend over.

 

He knew the friend was coming over during your Bday weekend and instead of saying re-schedule he just goes ahead and does it. Thats shows lack of concerns for you and selfishness for him. If you let him do this and not get punished then he will walk all over you for the remainder of your relationship.

 

and wanting a special Bday is not selfish.

[zengirl]

If you've been going out for any significant amount of time, then your birthday should be the priority, especially if you explain your feelings. I suppose part of it depends upon why it cannot be celebrated the next weekend too. . . and how long ago you started planning for it, but generally, I'd expect my fella to put my birthday above getting his friend laid.

[fiatflux]

Why can't he just give his friend the key to his place and say, "enjoy yourself" while he comes w you to your bday?

[tinktronik]

Tell him what you've told us, that your tired of being ignored for your Bday and having to do all the work. Tell him to put his priorities in line or get lost.

 

I agree 100%. You can either take a stand and get some recognition, (it is not selfish to expect to be treated in the manner you treat others) or you can get ignored while you bust your behind to make everyone else's lives more enjoyable. This is being a doormat.

[Roxanna]

If you've been going out for any significant amount of time, then your birthday should be the priority, especially if you explain your feelings. I suppose part of it depends upon why it cannot be celebrated the next weekend too. . . and how long ago you started planning for it, but generally, I'd expect my fella to put my birthday above getting his friend laid.

Yup, we've been dating for a significant amount of time. Due to the timing of my bday (as well as other close friends/family bdays) there are just too many other commitments on other weekends - tis the season, ya know? Again, if I'm completely honest, I secretly am feeling bratty and don't want to celebrate my bday on the weekend after, as it falls on a weekend to begin with, and obviously bf knows I have a bday on a specific day every year, so it's not as though it's a new commitment for him. Just this one time I want my bday to be a priority to someone, instead of the usual, "well other things are more important, you understand, so we'll do it when it's more convenient and not so close to the holidays" - which is actually why my idea is so great - everyone gets together to celebrate the holiday anyways, so why can't we make it a weekend and do my bday too?

 

Oh, and when we had the initial "what do you wanna do for your bday" conversation, my bday was 2 months away.

 

Last year we COULD have celebrated my bday ON my bday (again, it fell on a weekend), and instead celebrated it the week after because his friends were doing something else that weekend, so he was not involved in my bday that year.

 

Why can't he just give his friend the key to his place and say, "enjoy yourself" while he comes w you to your bday?

I suppose because he wants to spend time with his friend - though to be honest, I don't quite get it either - if his friend getting laid is the priority, I don't see why my bf needs to be a part of that, as he is dating me.

Edited November 16, 2010 by Roxanna

[Roxanna]

I'm getting all fired up about this now. I'm considering just ditching him, letting him spend the holiday with his immature buddy and going to Vegas or somewhere to celebrate the holiday/bday with my friends.

[tinktronik]

I'm getting all fired up about this now. I'm considering just ditching him, letting him spend the holiday with his immature buddy and going to Vegas or somewhere to celebrate the holiday/bday with my friends.

 

Do it. But first let him know he needs to get his priorities straight or you're out the door. Or you'll end up with a b/f who has a short relationship "break" where he gets to go out playing bad boy with his party friend.

[harmfulsweetz]

I'd be pretty upset too in your shoes. I can understand wanting to see his friends, but at the end of the day, it's your bday, you should be the priority. Couldn't he cancel on this friend for that weekend and say he'll do it the weekend after or something? You're not asking for a lot, if you go to a lot of trouble and expense for other people, it's only fair they reciprocate, or at the very least, make time for you on your actual bday.

 

I can't stand celebrating my bday after the event, because it sort of feels pointless and I wouldn't stand for him trying to make you change your plans because he didn't bother to prioritise you. He knows, presumably, when your bday is, so why couldn't he organise something that was more suitable with his friend? Couldn't his friend come along to the rented home?

 

I don't think you're being selfish at all, it's your day, you're entitled to want it to be special, and for you, you try to make others days special, so why can't he try to make yours? If he refuses to cancel on his friend or reorganize, I'd go right ahead and continue with renting a place or go to Vegas and have a fab time. Be sure to take lots of photos to rub in what a great time you had without him.

[Roxanna]

Couldn't his friend come along to the rented home?

 

This is what I find so disappointing, and what pisses me off so much. That's what I said, and his response was that no, his friend wouldn't be interested in that since there wouldn't be any girls for him to hook up with. I think it's ridiculous.

[loverush]

Like collegeguy said you should tell him what you told us here and at the same time you have to think you can't force your bf to stay with you in your bday.

 

Just tell him and if he said yes that will great!

[collegeguy_24]

Do as the others have said, be confrontational now is the time. Let us know what happens.

[harmfulsweetz]

This is what I find so disappointing, and what pisses me off so much. That's what I said, and his response was that no, his friend wouldn't be interested in that since there wouldn't be any girls for him to hook up with. I think it's ridiculous.

 

Then I would go on ahead, plan your bday for that weekend without him, as he has made zero effort to compromise-btw you shouldn't have to compromise for your own bday, and have a fantastic time. You're not changing your plans so that his friend can score. I'm sure his friend could score on any other weekend. That's what I'd say anyhow.

[Roxanna]

Then I would go on ahead, plan your bday for that weekend without him, as he has made zero effort to compromise-btw you shouldn't have to compromise for your own bday, and have a fantastic time. You're not changing your plans so that his friend can score. I'm sure his friend could score on any other weekend. That's what I'd say anyhow.

 

I feel a little bit like a brat, because we didn't have firm plans when his friend called; he just knew that I wanted to do something special, and we had just arrived at an option that I liked and wanted to commit to - literally 5 minutes later his friend called.

 

When we first started dating, bf had a tendency to overcommit to things, but over the years has gotten much, much better about checking with me before making plans that affect me, or checking to make sure that we didn't already have plans.

 

No idea why that wasn't the case in this situation - I guess he really wanted to see this friend. But now I can't say anything without being the bad guy in the eyes of his friends (a couple other friends are involved in this as well).

 

I know he'll be pissed if I make other plans and don't spend the holiday with him, but I don't think I'm wrong here.

[collegeguy_24]

Roxanna, sweety, the guy is playing you, plain and simple. Your not being selfish, your BF is.

 

Judging by your last post it seriously sounds like you are making excuses for him. STOP!

 

You need t be confrontational, you need to tell him upfront that he knew your B-day was coming up, he knew that you wanted to do something, and then he just bails. You need to tell him NOW! Otherwise he will just walk all over you for the remainder of your relationship because he knows he can get away with it.

 

If you don't be firm now then you never will be, ever.

[dispatch3d]

the bf appears to want:

 

" the friend only wants to go out to bars, get wasted and try to pick up girls, which he will not be able to do if we rent the house."

 

so as long as your plan allows for the friend to (a) try to pickup girls (b) get drunk, and © go to bars, then there will be no argument.

 

So my suggestion is don't rent a house way outside of town. Plan something in-town that everyone can do and have fun at, or figure out a way for people to go from out of town to in town. When single people go out on weekends they often like to try to hookup, because it's better to not be single right? I think if you accomadate other peoples needs in this party + lookout for what other people want, you're party will go off better regardless. Ie. I think it's in your best interest to plan your birthday such that everyone is happy, not such that just you get exactly what you want. Kapeesh?

[Roxanna]

Roxanna, sweety, the guy is playing you, plain and simple. Your not being selfish, your BF is.

 

Judging by your last post it seriously sounds like you are making excuses for him. STOP!

 

You need t be confrontational, you need to tell him upfront that he knew your B-day was coming up, he knew that you wanted to do something, and then he just bails. You need to tell him NOW! Otherwise he will just walk all over you for the remainder of your relationship because he knows he can get away with it.

 

If you don't be firm now then you never will be, ever.

I plan on saying something, I'm just dwelling on how grumpy I am that he's put me in this position, because I will end up looking like the bad guy that either ruined everyone's fun, or was a huge selfish bitch and ditched him to celebrate without him.

 

the bf appears to want:

 

" the friend only wants to go out to bars, get wasted and try to pick up girls, which he will not be able to do if we rent the house."

 

so as long as your plan allows for the friend to (a) try to pickup girls (b) get drunk, and © go to bars, then there will be no argument.

 

So my suggestion is don't rent a house way outside of town. Plan something in-town that everyone can do and have fun at, or figure out a way for people to go from out of town to in town. When single people go out on weekends they often like to try to hookup, because it's better to not be single right? I think if you accomadate other peoples needs in this party + lookout for what other people want, you're party will go off better regardless. Ie. I think it's in your best interest to plan your birthday such that everyone is happy, not such that just you get exactly what you want. Kapeesh?

So in other words, I can tell my friends I'm going to a particular bar to start the night, then bar hopping from there and it would be great if they showed up I'm not turning 21 and I refuse to have a ****ty half-assed birthday that is all about going to bars and getting drunk. Oh, and all of my out of town friends can splurge on hotel rooms to do something they could do at home for next to nothing. I know that I'm being snotty, but this guy is NOT my friend, I have met him once for about 10 minutes, so I don't think my friends and I (who also would not be interested in bar hopping like that) should have to accommodate him. We are not young 20-somethings, and those of us that are are are either not single or are past the age of hooking up in bars. This dude is like 35. There is no reason I should have to accommodate such a person.

Edited November 17, 2010 by Roxanna

[dispatch3d]

 

So in other words, I can tell my friends I'm going to a particular bar to start the night, then bar hopping from there and it would be great if they showed up I'm not turning 21 and I refuse to have a ****ty half-assed birthday that is all about going to bars and getting drunk. Oh, and all of my out of town friends can splurge on hotel rooms to do something they could do at home for next to nothing. I know that I'm being snotty, but this guy is NOT my friend, I have met him once for about 10 minutes, so I don't think me and my friends (who also would not be interested in bar hopping like that) should have to accommodate him.

 

I think your pretty angry about this right now. I can kinda tell from the language. I don't blame you for being angry, I would be to. Everyone wants a fun birthday party, and I'm just giving some advice on how I think you can go about it.

 

I never said you should do everything the bf wants to do and just go along with what he's saying. My suggestion was a compromise between the two views. I wanted his friends to have a good time (hopefully when they attend your birthday party!). Apparently a good time for them is hooking up with girls and getting drunk. Actually that's kind of every guys definition of a "good time". Including other people in your event will definitely make it more fun, and I'd assume you would want all the single people you are friends with to have a good time to, right? So why not make the party more neutral, less about yourself and more about having a really fun time. So have it in town, or whatever works, and allow people who want to go to the bar the chance to go to the bar. It's quite possible these friends will find enough people who want to go that the bf can stay with you, or that you'll feel like going as well.

 

I'll say you are admitting to being selfish and snobbish. I think those were your own words? These aren't really good traits I would personally describe myself as. I also wouldn't want to come off like that to my friends. I prefer my friends are happy, feel respected, etc. etc. I think if you planned your party such that everyone has a self-interest in it, then it will go off without a hitch and you'll get the things you actually are looking for.

 

Anyhow, I've pretty much talked myself out with how I view this subject. Also there is no right or wrong in this stuff. I'm sure some of the things I suggested are doable, some of them aren't.

[xpaperxcutx]

I plan on saying something, I'm just dwelling on how grumpy I am that he's put me in this position, because I will end up looking like the bad guy that either ruined everyone's fun, or was a huge selfish bitch and ditched him to celebrate without him.

 

 

So in other words, I can tell my friends I'm going to a particular bar to start the night, then bar hopping from there and it would be great if they showed up I'm not turning 21 and I refuse to have a ****ty half-assed birthday that is all about going to bars and getting drunk. Oh, and all of my out of town friends can splurge on hotel rooms to do something they could do at home for next to nothing. I know that I'm being snotty, but this guy is NOT my friend, I have met him once for about 10 minutes, so I don't think my friends and I (who also would not be interested in bar hopping like that) should have to accommodate him. We are not young 20-somethings, and those of us that are are are either not single or are past the age of hooking up in bars. This dude is like 35. There is no reason I should have to accommodate such a person.

 

And you shouldn't. The dude's 35, his bar hopping days should be over by this point. IF anything, he should accomodate you since your bf is the host and you're the host's girlfriend.

 

I think your bf is a jerk. You should definitely stand firm on having your own birthday party.

[Roxanna]

I am pretty angry. Staying in town means that my best friends, who live out of town, will probably not be able to come. My bf went from trying to make my bday special to telling me we can't do what I wanted and what we had agreed on because his friend won't like it (who, btw, is the only single guy, and the only person interested in bar hopping). Last year I spent quite a bit of money and time planning 3 separate bday things for my bf, to give him exactly what he wanted for his bday, because it was important to him.

 

I know that my friends love me, but do you have any idea how hungover people are the day after NYE?? If I don't do something special, I'm going to have the same NOTHING birthday I have every year. Seriously, it's my turn for a change to get the birthday I celebrate with every single other friend and family member and SO every single year. I'm asking for ONE big special birthday.

Edited November 17, 2010 by Roxanna

[tinktronik]

I am pretty angry. Staying in town means that my best friends, who live out of town, will probably not be able to come. My bf went from trying to make my bday special to telling me we can't do what I wanted and what we had agreed on because his friend won't like it (who, btw, is the only single guy, and the only person interested in bar hopping). Last year I spent quite a bit of money and time planning 3 separate bday things for my bf, to give him exactly what he wanted for his bday, because it was important to him.

 

I know that my friends love me, but do you have any idea how hungover people are the day after NYE?? If I don't do something special, I'm going to have the same NOTHING birthday I have every year. Seriously, it's my turn for a change to get the birthday I celebrate with every single other friend and family member and SO every single year. I'm asking for ONE big special birthday.

Bravo. This is the correct attitude to take.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think your boyfriend is being immature and inconsiderate. Why does his friend need to bring his non-single friend with him to get drunk and pick up girls? He can't do that in his own town or on his own time?

 

Stand up for yourself and do something fun, with or without him.

[Roxanna]

Yeah, the idea of having to plan my birthday around what some pervy guy wants to do pisses me off. I would never tell my bf that a girl friend was coming to town, but she isn't interested in drinking or bday parties, she only wants me to go with the spa with her all weekend to get massages and foot trubs from hot masseuse Sven, so he will have to do something related to that for his bday, nor would he entertain such a ridiculous and asinine statement. He would say, "well it's fine if your friend comes, but I'll be disappointed if you don't celebrate my bday with me, so she can go to the spa all she wants, but I expect to see you at my bday, doing what I want to do."

 

Even LESS likely to happen is me asking my bf what he wants to do for his special bday weekend, then turning around and telling him we can't do what he wanted after all because of my girl friend's preferences, or else celebrate his bday on a different weekend.

 

It is so outrageous I can hardly believe this actually happened.

Edited November 17, 2010 by Roxanna