Girlfriend looks at her ex's Facebook pages regularly

[FooFighter]

(Sorry about the double thread, I needed to edit and add something and couldn't. Could a mod please delete the other thread? Thank you.)

 

Background: My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. She spends a LOT of time on Facebook generally looking at friend's profiles/pictures etc and I don't really care about that. Here's the annoying part: She visited me this summer, and used my computer obviously. I noticed later on that she had visited her two ex's facebook pages a couple of times. I didn't think too much of it then, because I thought it was just a one-time thing and she might have been curious to see what they were up to etc, just like everyone else, but it's been 5-6 months since then now, and i've found out she regularly looks at both her ex's Facebook pages. One of these guys isn't even friends with her on facebook, but she specifically goes and types his name in the search bar and looks at this profile regularly.

 

I confronted her over this about 2 months back, and asked if she creeped on her ex boyfriends Facebook. at first she lied and said no, but then she said she did sometimes but she didn't think anything of it because she had no feelings for them and she wanted to be with me, and so she didn't think it was anything to be concerned about.

 

I asked her why she creeped on them, and to that she told me that one of her ex's wrote really well and she liked reading his stories or whatever, nothing else. The main issue I have is with her most recent ex. She cheated on her earlier boyfriend once with this guy (they had a fight, she said she got really drunk and ended up making out with him). She said she told her boyfriend this the next day and they worked things out, but then a month later she broke up with him and got together with this other guy. They ended things later on, and she doesn't talk to either of them, but said she missed him as a friend sometimes and was worried about him, and hence she looks at his facebook. WTF? She isn't even friends with him or anything on Facebook, so how the **** does looking at his profile and picture every damn week do anything to resolve her stupid worries?

 

I don't know if I'm being too jealous or reading into things, but why would she regularly go look at their Facebook (3-4 times a week atleast). I'm probably going to confront her again but I don't know what to do. she swears she is in love with me and has no feelings at all for anyone else, but this really bothers me. We have a pretty great relationship otherwise, but there are definitely some underlying trust issues I have. I don't know how concerned I should be about this. I just don't understand her behaviour and it bugs the **** out of me.

[BG1985]

It's that regularly? This is bad news. These guys should be of no concern to her.

[FooFighter]

It's that regularly? This is bad news. These guys should be of no concern to her.

Yup, it is. I really do believe she is in love with me and has no feelings for them, but I don't understand this behavior. She has "stalkishness" in her personality, and looks at everyone's facebook pages a lot, but its a whole different story when they are ex's.

 

Guess I'm just gonna confront her again and get to the bottom of this. I don't want to order her to stop doing this since that completely defeats the purpose and isn't really a solution. I just don't get it. We have a GREAT relationship otherwise and she is completely in love with me, as her other actions say so, but i just don't get why she does this.

 

I think it's time to just show her my anger and let her have it. If she is so interested in her ex's that she needs to look at their profiles all the time, maybe I should just spare her the trouble and tell her to go be with them. I really love her but I'm tired of dealing with crap like this.

Edited January 31, 2010 by FooFighter

[counterman]

Yes, confront her about this. This is definitely weird. It should be of no concern to her whatsoever.

[DeSantos]

hi OP,

 

Just to get a better scope on this, what was the caused the end of the relationship between the most recent ex ? how long was she single before you got with her ?

 

I agree with the others, its does not sound normal at all.

[OnlyJake]

I guess I'm a dissenting voice here. I think it's way more odd that you care so much who's FB pages she's looking at, than the fact that she looks at her exs' pages a few times a week. I don't even think checking their pages 3-4 times a week is that much. I'd be willing to bet you look at porn at least that often.

 

Honestly, I would not deal with you "confronting" me over whose FB pages I looked at. I would allow you one adult conversation over this issue - an adult conversation would entail "Hey girl, over the summer I checked my browser history after you used my computer and noticed you checked your ex's FB pages; this made me insecure, so I continued to check up on you in this manner. In order to resolve this and stop feeling insecure, I'd like to know why you do this." Something along those lines.

 

We would discuss it -ONCE - until both parties felt the issue was resolved, we would have a chat about your snoopy checking up on me behavior, and then neither would no longer be viable topics of conversation unless something changed or something new happened that was related.

 

"Confronting" implies that she's doing something wrong and she's not. Your only problem is that you're insecure. (Knowing your girlfriend's past I may be wary, I may not - possibly she just made a really bad judgment call, had the balls to be honest about it, and treats YOU just fine.)

 

I can think of lots of reasons she would be checking their pages (ONLY a few times a week).

 

• Clearly she likes being up on what people are up to, as you stated ("stalkerish")
  
• She's addicted to the voyeurism that FB allows and encourages
  
• She has mutual friends/acquaintances with her ex-bf's who post links and things on their walls that she wants to check out
  
• Her ex-bfs were once a big part of her life and she's interested in what they're up to
  
• They post interesting or funny links
  

[BG1985]

OnlyJake, it's fine to be interested in what's going on in someone's life, but there is no need to check up on them 3-4 times a week. I don't even talk to my family that often. Frankly I don't even see the need to keep up with exes at all. They are no longer a part of your life. To me this still doesn't feel right. If she's simply addicted to facebook, that's not a good sign in my opinion either.

[OnlyJake]

OnlyJake, it's fine to be interested in what's going on in someone's life, but there is no need to check up on them 3-4 times a week. I don't even talk to my family that often. Frankly I don't even see the need to keep up with exes at all. They are no longer a part of your life. To me this still doesn't feel right. If she's simply addicted to facebook, that's not a good sign in my opinion either.

 

First, we would all do well to remember that people post all kinds of things on their FB pages, including links, news stories, entertaining videos, etc. Not just personal information about their lives.

 

The OP admits that his girlfriend regularly checks everyone's pages, but that he has a problem with those two particular people.

 

You agree with him that she is free to check anyone and everyone's profile multiple times a week, EXCEPT those two, fine.

 

But you both need to understand that not everyone feels the same way you do about these issues. Obviously his girlfriend is one such person.

 

Part of being in a healthy relationship is establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries that both parties respect and can live with. One could argue that the OP, his girlfriend and/or both are failing in this regard.

 

The OP isn't even upset that his gf is communicating several times a week with her ex-bfs - simply that she checks their profiles regularly. I think that is ridiculous, and I personally would not deal with some insecure, control freak bf who told me who's profiles I wasn't allowed to look at. That's not to say that the OP and his gf shouldn't have a calm, constructive, self-aware, meaningful discussion about the OP's issue. I do think that if the OP were more self-aware and able to figure out exactly why this behavior bugs him, and was able to articulate that to his gf, they would be able to have a more constructive discussion about this matter.

 

I also think that it isn't particularly helpful to the OP or his relationship with his gf to simply say "yeah that's shady of her, I agree." That seems to just add fuel to the fire, and I really don't think the issue here should be about whether or not we think it's OK for his gf to check someone's FB page or not.

[meerkat stew]

How is it possible to know she is checking her ex pages 3-4 times a week? Sorry if I missed it, did she say that's what she does? Agree with OJake.

[OnlyJake]

 

I think it's time to just show her my anger and let her have it. If she is so interested in her ex's that she needs to look at their profiles all the time, maybe I should just spare her the trouble and tell her to go be with them. I really love her but I'm tired of dealing with crap like this.

 

Dude, relax! Are you serious? I can't believe you go on and on about how wonderful your relationship is and how much she loves you, yet you're so worked up about her looking at a profile page! It's not like she's spending hours chatting with them on FB! (Is it???)

 

Seriously, there has to be something more to this. .....right??

[OnlyJake]

How is it possible to know she is checking her ex pages 3-4 times a week? Sorry if I missed it, did she say that's what she does? Agree with OJake.

 

He snooped through her computer over the course of 6-ish months to determine this behavior; then "confronted" her over it. At first she denied it, then she admitted she looked at their pages.

[sagetalk]

If you believe that this is ok, then invite me to a tea party with you and the tooth fairy because you are in a fantasy world.

 

This is very bad news. If she only wanted you, she would not check these pages regularly. She may be looking for an opening such as them breaking up with a girl, or posting that they are lonely or thinking of her. I'm not sure how you should go about this, but she will obviously be sensitive about it. If it means alot to you (and it should), then she needs to purge this crap from her life.

[OnlyJake]

If you believe that this is ok, then invite me to a tea party with you and the tooth fairy because you are in a fantasy world.

 

This is very bad news. If she only wanted you, she would not check these pages regularly. She may be looking for an opening such as them breaking up with a girl, or posting that they are lonely or thinking of her. I'm not sure how you should go about this, but she will obviously be sensitive about it. If it means alot to you (and it should), then she needs to purge this crap from her life.

You got all that out of "My gf is a FB addict and checks her ex-bf's pages as often as she checks everyone else's"??????

 

People, what the heck am I missing here?

[FooFighter]

The OP isn't even upset that his gf is communicating several times a week with her ex-bfs - simply that she checks their profiles regularly. I think that is ridiculous, and I personally would not deal with some insecure, control freak bf who told me who's profiles I wasn't allowed to look at. That's not to say that the OP and his gf shouldn't have a calm, constructive, self-aware, meaningful discussion about the OP's issue. I do think that if the OP were more self-aware and able to figure out exactly why this behavior bugs him, and was able to articulate that to his gf, they would be able to have a more constructive discussion about this matter.

She DOES NOT TALK TO ANY OF THEM. She simply checks their profiles regularly. I'm not a control freak and I haven't ever told her not to do that, I just told her it makes me uncomfortable and asked her why she did it, and she said she didn't think much of it and would stop (obviously she hasn't).

 

You say she can be going to their profiles to look at funny stuff etc etc. That is probably the case with one of the ex's, but the other ex isn't even on her friends list, so all she can see when she searches for him is his frickin' picture. How do you explain searching for this guy 3-4 times a week just to look at his picture?

 

Dude, relax! Are you serious? I can't believe you go on and on about how wonderful your relationship is and how much she loves you, yet you're so worked up about her looking at a profile page! It's not like she's spending hours chatting with them on FB! (Is it???)

I might probably be overreacting (and I was pretty mad when I wrote that post ), but are you telling me you wouldn't either, if your girlfriend has been searching for her ex and looking at his profile 3-4 times a week for atleast a YEAR?!

 

Just to get a better scope on this, what was the caused the end of the relationship between the most recent ex ? how long was she single before you got with her ?

She just said he wasn't a good guy and she realized he wasn't right for her. She was single for about 2-3 months I think (kinda ambiguous because she didn't actually officially date the other guy, so there isn't an actual date when things started/ended)

Anyway I sent her a message so I'm going to talk to her about it tonight.

Edited January 31, 2010 by FooFighter

[meerkat stew]

This is very bad news. If she only wanted you, she would not check these pages regularly.

 

Disagree here, people are curious about what is going on with exes without necessarily stirring anything back up with them. FB just makes it easier to keep up with them.

[OnlyJake]

She DOES NOT TALK TO ANY OF THEM. She simply checks their profiles regularly. I'm not a control freak and I haven't ever told her not to do that, I just told her it makes me uncomfortable and asked her why she did it, and she said she didn't think much of it and would stop (obviously she hasn't).

 

You say she can be going to their profiles to look at funny stuff etc etc. That is probably the case with one of the ex's, but the other ex isn't even on her friends list, so all she can see when she searches for him is his frickin' picture. How do you explain searching for this guy 3-4 times a week just to look at his picture?

 

 

I might probably be overreacting, but are you telling me you wouldn't either, if your girlfriend has been searching for her ex and looking at his profile 3-4 times a week for atleast a YEAR?!

 

Anyway I sent her a message so I'm going to talk to her about it tonight.

Yeah, I got that she wasn't talking to them, that was exactly my point.

 

How do you know that she can only see her ex's picture? Just because that's all you can see, doesn't mean that that is all that she can see. There are many, many things people can do with their privacy settings these days.

 

If all she wants is to look at a picture of her ex, I'm sure she has her own without looking at a thumbnail online

 

I'm glad you're going to discuss this with your girlfriend, I hope you are able to do so in a constructive manner.

[FooFighter]

You got all that out of "My gf is a FB addict and checks her ex-bf's pages as often as she checks everyone else's"??????

 

People, what the heck am I missing here?

Lol I wish I could look at it the way you do, but I see no reason for her to specifically go search for him every damn week when they aren't even friends anymore/no mutual friends. It's just obsessing.

[FooFighter]

Yeah, I got that she wasn't talking to them, that was exactly my point.

 

How do you know that she can only see her ex's picture? Just because that's all you can see, doesn't mean that that is all that she can see. There are many, many things people can do with their privacy settings these days.

Because she told me they weren't friends on facebook and that she couldn't even see any of his info/wall when she searched for him, the last time I asked her about this.

 

Nvm, I'll see what happens tonight. It's not like I can stop her anyway since she obviously wants to keep doing this, considering how long it's been going on. I just want to know what she's thinking when she goes and searches for him.

Edited January 31, 2010 by FooFighter

[meerkat stew]

Lol I wish I could look at it the way you do, but I see no reason for her to specifically go search for him every damn week when they aren't even friends anymore/no mutual friends. It's just obsessing.

 

On whose part?

[ecco51]

I think i gotta agree with meerkat. I wouldnt really care if i were in your situation. Every now and then i visit my ex's fbs and stuff just to see what theyre up to and what not. I dont do it every week like youve stated but once in a blue moon ill wonder and cure my curiosities, its completed harmless though. If she were trying to contact them on a daily basis, thatd be a different story but like you said "she does not talk to them". How is your two's relationship? Would you say pretty good other then this little thing?

[BG1985]

Once again, being curious once every blue moon is fine. However if she's really checking up on these guys 3-4 times per week, it means that these guys are constantly on her mind. How much changes in these guys' lives 3-4 times per week?

[Crazy Magnet]

Some girls have problems letting go of the "control" that comes with being in a relationship, if that makes any sense. Somehow looking at their page might give her some sense of "I'm still not missing much." She might have developed this habit, and now can't break it.

 

I highly doubt she's looking for an opening to get back with any of them. I've got quite a few friends who check their ex's FB pages with no malicious intent whatsoever.

[Mary3]

She is stalking his page because she is interested in his single/relationship status.

 

She wants to know when he is single.

 

It is NOT normal to go there 4 times a week~without leaving a message. To go there , view his page and leave is just strange. If she were being upfront she would leave a Hi there ! on his page.

 

Facebook cracks me up. Everyone is either sooooooo into it and has their entire daily lives posted on there or they are like me , never go there unless someone sends me a message. Even THEN I forget the PW everytime and have to get a new one...geesh...

 

OP do you have something to worry about ? Yes. Your girl should be obsessed with YOUR FB page and be putting pictures of you both on hers , yours . making commments on yours and hers , ect.

[boogieboy]

Hey Foo, I can only assume that you SENSED that her actions didnt reflect what shes telling you, as far as being in love with you.

If thats the case, and that made you check her internet history, then you have a point.

 

Checking an ex's facebook 3-4 times a week? She wants to get back with one of her ex's.

 

Everything she told you reeks of lies. I think she is telling you these things just to keep your head in the clouds while she shops around. Once she finds someone new she wants, even if its one of her exs', she will dump you and jump to them, while still telling you she loves you.

 

DUMP HER NOW!! While youre still ahead. Do the pre-emptive dump.

 

Youre right to be suspicious.

[CaliGuy]

I agree with the other posters. 3-4 times a week is too much. I also agree that she is looking that often to check his relationship status. So here is what you do, you set a BOUNDARY.

 

You tell her this is not cool with you and you want her to block them both on Facebook. If she refuses to do it then break up with her.

 

Doing it once every 6 months I can understand. Doing it 3-4 times a week means she is looking for something more. She is anticipating something. Have you noticed anything weird with your relationship lately?

 

I can tell you in my experience my exes check on me about once a week to once a month. Usually to read my blog. They are blocked from Facebook so they can't see my status. It goes in phases. Sometimes it'll be once or twice a week (sometimes 3x a week) and then they'll go 2-3 months without checking on me.

 

In my case I think it's simply their current relationship. When it has one of those rocky phases, they start checking often. When their relationship is going really well I imagine that's the time they could care less about checking up on me.

 

In your case, there may be problems with your relationship that is causing her to hope that one of her exes is broken up so she can possibly pursue that relationship. That is why she is looking so often.

 

Set a boundary with her. You'll find out soon enough....