Am I Just Being Ridiculously Needy or Do I Need to Worry?

[elijah64]

Okay, so I started dating this guy two weeks ago. We really clicked right away, and he asked me to be his boyfriend five days after we met (I know that's quick, but that's just the way it is). I said yes. In the first eight days we were getting to know each other, we texted almost all the time and he called me every single night.

 

Then, starting last Wednesday, it started to slow down quite a bit. I felt like every time I was texting him, I was just interrupting or bothering him. And it's been like that ever since. He doesn't really keep up a conversation when we're texting, like he did when we first started dating/talking.

 

We still talk on the phone every night, and he always says really sweet things to me when we do. But a part of me feels like maybe he wants to dump me and is too afraid to tell me. Which makes me want to dump him first.

 

So, am I being needy and insecure or do I need to worry about the fact that we don't talk that much anymore?

[carolinawanderer]

This is not neediness.

 

Possibilities:

1. He's got a lot of other stuff going on in his life, but still wants you.

2. He's not that into you - and this doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Maybe he just jumped into this for other reasons and has realized you're not what he needs/wants.

3. He gets bored very easily.

 

When you notice an abrupt change and he seems more distant, ANYONE would feel at least a little insecure.

 

If I were you, be upfront with him and ask what's going on. Honestly, neediness/insecurity in a girl is not a huge put-off for me unless it's excessive. And your concerns are nowhere near indicative of neediness or insecurity.

 

Honestly, people are so concerned about being "independent" nowadays that any little concern about how much our partner cares for us is seen as "neediness." Personal independence is obviously important, but everyone wonders about themselves and their partners at least a little bit.

[dazzle22]

It is never good to jump this quickly into a relationship because for one thing, this amount of contact cannot be kept up realistically, and for another, guys lose interest if there is no "chase" or mystery or "yearning for what you can't have" whatsoever in the very beginning of a relationship.

 

Guys are often going to want to move the relationship forward too quickly (their hormones) and then they scare themselves or they lose a high degree of interest. It is up to you to put the brakes on, be more elusive, and slowly get to know him, otherwise this will happen a lot! Passion develops by missing someone, thinking about someone, by distance, by unpredictability, mystery, not by constantly being under some guy's nose.

 

And this is not "game playing" or "the rules", it just is the way it is with guys.

[elijah64]

This is not neediness.

 

Possibilities:

1. He's got a lot of other stuff going on in his life, but still wants you.

2. He's not that into you - and this doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Maybe he just jumped into this for other reasons and has realized you're not what he needs/wants.

3. He gets bored very easily.

 

When you notice an abrupt change and he seems more distant, ANYONE would feel at least a little insecure.

 

If I were you, be upfront with him and ask what's going on. Honestly, neediness/insecurity in a girl is not a huge put-off for me unless it's excessive. And your concerns are nowhere near indicative of neediness or insecurity.

 

Honestly, people are so concerned about being "independent" nowadays that any little concern about how much our partner cares for us is seen as "neediness." Personal independence is obviously important, but everyone wonders about themselves and their partners at least a little bit.

 

I have been upfront with him. I've asked him twice now about it. The first time, he told me he's just been busy but that he still likes me a lot and wants to be with me. The second time, which was last night, he blamed it on his weird work schedule and he again assured me everything was fine. Just to go further, I told him that if he no longer liked me he should just tell me and break it off, because I'd have more respect for him then than if he just kept leading me on. And then this morning, I apologized to him for being so insecure and he told me I wasn't pushing him away at all.

 

But still...

[elijah64]

It is never good to jump this quickly into a relationship because for one thing, this amount of contact cannot be kept up realistically, and for another, guys lose interest if there is no "chase" or mystery or "yearning for what you can't have" whatsoever in the very beginning of a relationship.

 

Guys are often going to want to move the relationship forward too quickly (their hormones) and then they scare themselves or they lose a high degree of interest. It is up to you to put the brakes on, be more elusive, and slowly get to know him, otherwise this will happen a lot! Passion develops by missing someone, thinking about someone, by distance, by unpredictability, mystery, not by constantly being under some guy's nose.

 

And this is not "game playing" or "the rules", it just is the way it is with guys.

 

So since I am the one who normally texts him first, should I just stop texting him? I've gone without doing it for eight hours (he's at work, so he wouldn't be able to text much anyway, but I still text him when he's at work).

[boogieboy]

Since you alread ytalked to him about it, let him initiate the texts from now on. See what happens.

[meerkat stew]

So since I am the one who normally texts him first, should I just stop texting him?

 

Yes, stop the texting. Allow him to miss you during the day, to feel like he has the reins of the relationship at this early date, and try not to worry so much. One fringe benefit of hanging back some is that you will know very soon whether he is still interested or not.

 

Guys who have experience dating often perceive an "escalating contact process" that many men find unpleasant, restrictive and high maintenance. It starts with frenzied texting, then as the relationship gels, the GF usually expects several contacts per day including prompt answers to all texts. Many men HATE this, but won't come out and admit it. We prefer to have a more laissez faire contact policy that is based on desire to talk to our GF rather than OBLIGATION to meet her EXPECTATIONS for frequent highly scheduled contact.

 

It is possible that your guy has been the victim of escalating contact process in the past, and sees it forming in your relationship.

 

Too much contact during the beginning few months of a new relationship is in my experience always a bad thing. Tone it down for a higher probability of success.

[Boundary Problem]

So, am I being needy and insecure or do I need to worry about the fact that we don't talk that much anymore?

 

 

The words "Needy" and "insecure" carry such a stigma and feeling of shame with them.

 

 

Why should you feel at all ashamed, or less, for what you truly want.

 

 

Just because someone else doesn't reciprocate doesn't mean there should be any shame for the need. To need sometime doesn't necessarily mean someone is weak. It means they are connected to someone else and they feel fulfilled when in contact.

 

 

Does it feel bad when we step on people's toes? yes. So we learn to communicate and read signals.

 

 

Communicating and respecting the signals coming from the other person.

 

 

But I wish the stigma and shame of "needy" and "insecure" would go away.

 

 

Do you feel ashamed for feeling hungry for dinner? No. Well food for the soul is no different. Sort of like the line ups for popular restaurants with good food are long. So you pick another restaurant and still get fed. No big deal. Doesn't mean you should feel ashamed for wanting to go to the popular restaurant and not getting in.

[Star Gazer]

I have been upfront with him. I've asked him twice now about it. The first time, he told me he's just been busy but that he still likes me a lot and wants to be with me. The second time, which was last night, he blamed it on his weird work schedule and he again assured me everything was fine. Just to go further, I told him that if he no longer liked me he should just tell me and break it off, because I'd have more respect for him then than if he just kept leading me on. And then this morning, I apologized to him for being so insecure and he told me I wasn't pushing him away at all.

 

But still...

 

Ugh, I wish you hadn't said that, and had just eased off the texting.

 

STOP the texting, immediately. Do not initiate anymore, let him come to you.

 

As you get to know someone, there's less need to be in CONSTANT contact with the person... that's probably what's happening here. Don't play hard to get, BE hard to get. Show him you have a life beyond your infatuation with him. Give him a chance to miss you.

[justagoodoleboy]

needy? no

insecure? maybe a little..but is justified.

 

starting off quick like that can slow down real quick.

 

think of a fire that burns hot and fast..its burns out quickly.

the best thing is to not over analyze the situation. let him do his thing and do yours. even if you have to do other things to keep your mind off of it. give it time to develop more.

 

Something that began so quickly shouldnt be a high priority.

seriously ask yourself...how well you really know him?

 

Sweet talk is really jsut that. talk.

[Lovelybird]

Yes, stop the texting. Allow him to miss you during the day, to feel like he has the reins of the relationship at this early date, and try not to worry so much. One fringe benefit of hanging back some is that you will know very soon whether he is still interested or not.

 

Guys who have experience dating often perceive an "escalating contact process" that many men find unpleasant, restrictive and high maintenance. It starts with frenzied texting, then as the relationship gels, the GF usually expects several contacts per day including prompt answers to all texts. Many men HATE this, but won't come out and admit it. We prefer to have a more laissez faire contact policy that is based on desire to talk to our GF rather than OBLIGATION to meet her EXPECTATIONS for frequent highly scheduled contact.

 

It is possible that your guy has been the victim of escalating contact process in the past, and sees it forming in your relationship.

 

Too much contact during the beginning few months of a new relationship is in my experience always a bad thing. Tone it down for a higher probability of success.

you mean her boyfriend is acting out of obligation? well, it would be easier if he acts out of desire and honesty.

 

elijah

Every person's need for connection is very different from another, especially in the beginning you don't know each other that well.

 

I think it is good you stop text him first, and wait for him to contact you, this way, he won't feel obligaged. If he contacts you, you know for real he cares. He probably is a nice guy who fears not-call-you-everyday would hurt you, so his calling is forced rather than free will, so he resents you.

 

Personally I think what do you talk about everyday?! especially in the beginning

Edited December 30, 2009 by Lovelybird

[meerkat stew]

you mean her boyfriend is acting out of obligation?

 

No... I didn't say that, or anything remotely like that. What I said was that many men, due to past experience in having women expect too much structured contact too early, may shy away from starting what they perceive to be an escalating cycle, and that this could be -one- possible explanation for OP's guy's behavior in slowing the contact down.

[Angel1111]

You're not beeing needy, you're being too aggressive and too available. You might want to read the book entitled, "Getting To 'I Do' " by Dr. Pat [somebody]. I'm not a fan of the title of the book but there is some outstanding advice in there about the classic mistakes women make that turn men off. A very good read.

[ordinary_girl]

No... I didn't say that, or anything remotely like that. What I said was that many men, due to past experience in having women expect too much structured contact too early, may shy away from starting what they perceive to be an escalating cycle, and that this could be -one- possible explanation for OP's guy's behavior in slowing the contact down.

 

what like shutting down her expectations early rather than telling her what he wants? haha I love how SOME men find any excuse for laziness. that's all that is. if you don't like too much contact from someone, you have to say so. that's called being assertive. rather than just 'manage' her. patronising

[dazzle22]

Men are not terribly good at articulating verbally their emotions. Women are the ones whose brains verbally process emotions. You should read a book called "What Could He be thinking?" Very enlightening studies about how the male/female brains process emotions, language.

 

Whether it is lazy, or whatever, this is just the way men are. When things get a bit too intense emotionally, they disengage for some space. Women fear ABANDONMENT, men fear ENGULFMENT, in general. You can argue til the cows come home that you don't like it, and it's not fair but it is just the way it IS...A wise woman will always give a guy she likes some SPACE, and let him be the one to do most of the initiating of contact initially. Once a relationship is established, men settle down a bit and aren't so skittish, but there is always potential for them distancing for some space.

 

Men evolved as HUNTERS, and CHASERS, that is why they are so enthralled with war video games, and sports where they hunt other players and chase balls around. Women,not so much..So you have to let them be who they ARE, and just work with it.

 

Think of it like this. A guy wants to go hunting and bag a 12 point buck. You hit such a buck with your car and drag it dead to his doorstep, and expect he should be thrilled...after all it IS a 12 point buck, delivered, presto! No guy would like this...he didn't get to HUNT and CHASE it....see?

[ordinary_girl]

Men are not terribly good at articulating verbally their emotions. Women are the ones whose brains verbally process emotions. You should read a book called "What Could He be thinking?" Very enlightening studies about how the male/female brains process emotions, language.

 

Whether it is lazy, or whatever, this is just the way men are. When things get a bit too intense emotionally, they disengage for some space. Women fear ABANDONMENT, men fear ENGULFMENT, in general. You can argue til the cows come home that you don't like it, and it's not fair but it is just the way it IS...A wise woman will always give a guy she likes some SPACE, and let him be the one to do most of the initiating of contact initially. Once a relationship is established, men settle down a bit and aren't so skittish, but there is always potential for them distancing for some space.

 

Men evolved as HUNTERS, and CHASERS, that is why they are so enthralled with war video games, and sports where they hunt other players and chase balls around. Women,not so much..So you have to let them be who they ARE, and just work with it.

 

Think of it like this. A guy wants to go hunting and bag a 12 point buck. You hit such a buck with your car and drag it dead to his doorstep, and expect he should be thrilled...after all it IS a 12 point buck, delivered, presto! No guy would like this...he didn't get to HUNT and CHASE it....see?

 

I think you'll find the above is very dated and I know men that find the idea that they cannot articulate what they want or need offensive.

 

It is true the genders are socialised differently from childhood but many people have moved away from the stone age and able to fit in with new and ever-changing gender roles.

 

if you live in a more conservative community this may not be the case but there are plenty that have a modern view of relationships. luckily I live in liberal London and don't have to deal with hunters and chasers.

 

there are also plenty of men that will admit that they are lazy and only do as much as they absolutely have to to maintain a relationship. they often appreciate a woman that kicks them up the backside when they get slack. it's just the way it is

[dazzle22]

The above information is NOT dated. It is the latest brain research coming from PET scans and MRIs of the brains in thousands of people.

 

You can say all you want about MODERN. I am very modern and advanced in my thinking. I am a woman DOCTOR. There are many things I wish were different, but the fact is that we are fighting with millions of years of evolution of brains. The male and female brain are very different, and to think that we are unisex, is in fact very DATED thinking. London is not the only modern city thank you. I live in one too, and have seen THOUSANDS of patients over my twenty year career and know human nature very well.. I doubt you can say the same. Any male, if he is honest, will tell you he enjoys the thrill of chasing and likes to be the one to do a fair bit of initiating early in a relationship. I'm not sure you are saying anything flattering about men by calling them lazy and needing a kick in the butt from women.

[meerkat stew]

what like shutting down her expectations early rather than telling her what he wants? haha I love how SOME men find any excuse for laziness. that's all that is. if you don't like too much contact from someone, you have to say so. that's called being assertive. rather than just 'manage' her. patronising

 

In a new relationship, there is no implied amount of contact due and owing from one side to the other, regardless of whether it's the man or the woman who has the expectations. Especially early on, a relationship needs room to breathe, and can be smothered out by an insecure need for constant contact.

 

It's hilarious that you categorize this as laziness on the man's part, typical of the female mindset on this matter. In actuality, the men who work the hardest in life tend to bristle most at all the obligatory contacts that insecure women invariably demand. Women who want to be treated equally should have enough self-assurance, self-respect and self-esteem not to require a continual umbilical tether to the man they are dating.

 

If a woman wants a man to fawn on her 24/7 and be instantly at her beck and call via text or otherwise, there are tons of out of work musician/hipster wannabes out there dawdling around who have nothing going on in their lives other than their GF, so will be happy to oblige her near infinite demands for attention. Go get one of those, not a real, serious man.

[meerkat stew]

Men are not terribly good at articulating verbally their emotions.

 

Don't care whether you are a doctor or not, the above is sexist hogwash. The great poets, writers, playwrights and song writers of history,90% of whom have been men, would definitely take issue with this statement.

 

Men are extremely good at articulating their emotions, but unlike women, who seem to be able to conjure up emotional response as an end in itself with little connection to the rational world, male emotions generally have to be grounded in some sort of rational understanding that relates to some significant event or observation in said world.

 

Moreover, as active creatures with the potential for violent action, men learn that the actions that accompany their unbridled expression of emotion have the distinct possibility of landing them dead, in jail or in a fight. Women don't suffer this level of accountability in society, so don't understand this reality that men have to deal with when expressing emotions.

 

Women are the ones whose brains verbally process emotions.

 

Correction, women are the ones whose brains create hyper-sentimentalized emotional content out of thin air. It is a female, not a male trait to sit and cry at movies or other make-believe drama that the audience knows full well aren't reality.

 

When things get a bit too intense emotionally, they disengage for some space.

 

Correction, when men are faced with the often impulsively sentimentalized spew of complete irrationality from the women in our lives posing as "how I feel or my emotions," we often disengage because there is nothing any man can do to remedy matters when a woman he loves starts creating make believe out of the ether. A wise man, expressing the legitimate emotion of frustration, once said that "Hell is the impossibility of reason." What were the chances he had just retired from an argument with his wife? pretty high I'd wager.

 

One of the biggest lies of the "women's movement" is that emotional "thinking" (an oxymoron in itself) is equally legitimate with rational thinking. Hilarious, absurd, and accepted as doctrine by most women. We (men) know better, we just don't like to argue tautologies and truisms.

 

The only thing that isn't sexist nullity in the rest of the post is that men need space in relationships. But corrected, EVERY secure, self-respecting human being needs space in relationships, not just men. There are plenty of men who suffocate women with too much initial contact, it's not just a female fault. Men seem to accept it and own their mistake though, whereas women (not talking about OP, but others) rationalize away, and if that doesn't work, try to shift blame back on the man, and if that doesn't work start sobbing and pitch a little baby fit.

Edited December 31, 2009 by meerkat stew

[elijah64]

Okay, for those of you who are arguing about male/female need for contact and who don't know, I'm a guy. And I am VERY emotional, romantic, and someone who needs that constant contact or reassurance from my partner. My friends all tell me, even though I'm fairly masculine, that I'm a big girl when it comes to relationships. Maybe I am. But I felt like he was a big romantic at first too; on the phone, he always says really sweet stuff like how he's glad he found me, he's glad we're together, he tells me that I'm amazing, blah blah blah. It's just the texting that he's weird about (whereas in the first week to ten days, he was always sending me sweet texts). I don't know. :/

[Ruby Slippers]

Don't care whether you are a doctor or not, the above is sexist hogwash.

ms, I have enjoyed most of your posts I have read. But almost 100% of the content of your above post was also sexist hogwash.

[Lovelybird]

Okay, for those of you who are arguing about male/female need for contact and who don't know, I'm a guy. And I am VERY emotional, romantic, and someone who needs that constant contact or reassurance from my partner. My friends all tell me, even though I'm fairly masculine, that I'm a big girl when it comes to relationships. Maybe I am. But I felt like he was a big romantic at first too; on the phone, he always says really sweet stuff like how he's glad he found me, he's glad we're together, he tells me that I'm amazing, blah blah blah. It's just the texting that he's weird about (whereas in the first week to ten days, he was always sending me sweet texts). I don't know. :/

I thought you are a needy woman

 

If you are a man, definitely call him

[meerkat stew]

ms, I have enjoyed most of your posts I have read. But almost 100% of the content of your above post was also sexist hogwash.

 

Some of it was sexist... by design. Some of it wasn't. I will post a similar response every time I see a post of old cliches like "men just don't handle emotions well," and will feel justified in doing so.

[bwidger]

Okay, so I started dating this guy two weeks ago. We really clicked right away, and he asked me to be his boyfriend five days after we met (I know that's quick, but that's just the way it is). I said yes. In the first eight days we were getting to know each other, we texted almost all the time and he called me every single night.

 

Then, starting last Wednesday, it started to slow down quite a bit. I felt like every time I was texting him, I was just interrupting or bothering him. And it's been like that ever since. He doesn't really keep up a conversation when we're texting, like he did when we first started dating/talking.

 

We still talk on the phone every night, and he always says really sweet things to me when we do. But a part of me feels like maybe he wants to dump me and is too afraid to tell me. Which makes me want to dump him first.

 

So, am I being needy and insecure or do I need to worry about the fact that we don't talk that much anymore?

 

This might just be him feeling comfortable knowing that your interested and so he doesn’t feel the need to be as active contacting you everyday and all the time.

 

Coming from a males perspective, we need to feel like you are into us, and sometimes we will be very active pursuing you until we know for sure. Once we feel like your really into us, we can chill, which may explain why he is still saying nice things to you and being sweet, but just not as much as when you first started talking. He probably still likes you but doesn’t feel the need to keep it up as he used to because he knows that you like him now...make sense?

 

Of course, this is just my view. Not all men are the same. This is the closest thing I would to though if I was him. Maybe you should ask him why he isn't contacting you as much?

[meerkat stew]

Okay, for those of you who are arguing about male/female need for contact and who don't know, I'm a guy.

 

I apologize for the assumption. Would post the same feedback/ advice regardless.