24 year old virgin

[Kristie16]

As a young girl I developed extreme anorexia because of low self esteem, depression, problems with friends, etc. Around age 15, I finally started gaining weight, and while I wasn't overweight, I looked very different and was just getting used to my new body. I went to a very superficial college where most of the girls looked like Playboy bunnies. Needless to say, I've always been insecure about my body and I'm still insecure. During high school and college I never had a boyfriend. In college I did makeout and fool around with guys, but they were basically one night stands or flings...never anything lasting. It was more to just get experience because I never really found a guy I truly liked and I always stopped it before sex, because while I don't plan on waiting until I'm married to have sex I do want to be in a committed relationship.

 

In the last year or so, I've grown into my looks, apparently. Sometimes I notice guys checking me out and a guy I was really, really into even made a pass at me and we almost had sex (he had a gf at the time, though, and once he realized I was a virgin he said he didn't want to hurt me..another story entirely).

 

I'm not your typical girly, girl. I don't wear makeup and wear all the latest fashion trends, but I'm fit looking, proportionate, blue eyes and brunette. I'd described myself as the typical "girl next door."

 

It's so weird because I think most guys just assume by looking at me I've had lots of boyfriends and partners. If you were to just meet me and talk to me I probably come across that way, but I think its a fake self confidence that I've learned to exude...I'm well-traveled, independent, career-oriented, etc. But when it comes to the opposite sex, I'm scared out of my mind and sometimes that insecurity comes off as frigid.

 

ANd its like an evil cycle because I get insecure around guys because I'm afraid what they will think once they find out about my lack of experience (sexual and relationship-wise). However, it made me feel better when I found out the guy that I really liked (although he was a jerk for cheating on his gf) thought it was respectful for me to be a virgin and was impressed and it turned him on more. But another guy "friend" (although I dont consider him a friend at all anymore), who is 38 and found out from a female friend I told, said I was a freak for being a virgin at 24 and that guys were only going to use me for one thing once they found out. He also said I was putting too much emphasis on it and I should just lose it. Now I feel like I'm back in that evil cycle because its hard to meet someone and get into a relationship and have sex when I'm insecure, and I get more insecure when I hear comments like from that guy that I'm going to freak guys out when they find out I'm a virgin.

 

Thoughts?

[Boundary Problem]

The thing is that right now you are insecure.

 

Having sex with the wrong person will make you feel insecure and ashamed.

 

 

So, why not wait for the right guy.

 

If you are terrified about a man putting his hands on you, I'm trying to think of a casual activity with men that will allow you to relax with them.

 

Many of them are really nice. So I think your fear is disproportionate to the risk of harm. Maybe getting to know some nice guys in a relaxed setting will help reduce your fears/insecurities.

 

The problem isn't your virginity. At all.

 

The problem is your nervousness/insecurity around men when you think they might put their hands on you.

 

I have the same problem. We end up spending a lot of our lives alone, because frankly we don't do casual sex.

 

 

Learn to love your body and one day you will trust a man enough to move forward with a natural physical relationship.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I didn't lose my V-card until I was almost 23. Don't overthink it. The more pressure you put on yourself, the more it's going to turn into an "issue" with guys you date. The right guy to get that from you will be respectful and caring - and will appreciate the fact that you've kept your legs closed. Ignore the 38-y/o.

[Kristie16]

Thank you. I dont really have an issue with guys touching my body, though. I mean, in some ways I guess I do. But I've become a lot more comfortable with my body in the last few years. There are definitely things I'd change, but I'm a lot more comfortable. I was probably a little insecure with the guys in college, but the most recent guy who had the gf was extremely attracted to me and I was extremely attracted to him. I felt so good around him because he made me feel beautiful. I wasn't ashamed of my body at all. I'd never felt that way around a guy at all. I did think about losing my virginity to him because I wondered if I'll ever be that attracted to someone again. He was even going to come visit me after I moved away and I know sex would have ensured. I stopped it, though, because as much as I feel insecure about the virginity thing now, I know I'd hate to lose my virginity to him and know I'd never see him again.

 

I told him we had to end communication, which we did. That was about four months ago, but I constantly think about him and the relationship I wanted, but even if not that, just the sex with him...being able to lose my virginity to him. I guess I sometimes wonder if maybe I am putting too much emphasis on it and I should have just slept with him? Although I dont even know if my body would have even let me have sex with him because my mind would be thinking about how I was just a release for him.

[Boundary Problem]

Well I can't recommend you sleep with a guy who has a girlfriend.

 

I don't think that is fair to you and he is terrible in my opinion.

 

Wait for a guy in a committed relationship with you. ie date him for 3 months before fully sleeping together. For you - that is what I would recommend.

 

Keep in mind once you start having sex you are going to want to continue having sex. So when he leaves, who are you going to replace him with? Sex is like eating. You're going to want another meal when you get hungry.

 

So better to wait until you have a boyfriend is my thought.

[Awesome Username]

Thank God you didn't sleep with him when he had a GF. That would make him a pig and you, less than what you're worth.

 

Oh, and a 38 year old pervert should keep his mouth shut about you being a "freak" virgin at 24. I'm not surprised, with men like that running their mouth.

 

 

Keep on looking - there are guys on here that are nervous about the same thing, and it's not as uncommon as you think. If any guy isn't going to be with you because of that, then he's probably not looking for a long-term relationship anyway.

[Kristie16]

Yeah, that's what I've been told over and over...once you start you won't want to stop. And I explained that to the 38 year old. I said I wanted to make sure the guy would be around the next morning and the days afterward. I think that opened his eyes a bit and he realized a bit more, but it just hurt to have him say that to me.

 

And the fact is, there have been a few guys where it came very close to. I could go out and sleep with someone right now, but I just dont want to do that. So, for him to say that guys are only going to use me made me mad because have I not been smart about it so far and stopped guys from going all the way when I know its not right for me?

[Awesome Username]

Keep your eyes out for this kind of guy:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t210892/

 

NOT ones that are twice your age that have the audacity to think they have the right to talk to a girl who's young enough to be their daughter about what she should and shouldn't be doing sexually.

 

Yarrrr

[Boundary Problem]

That's the key - what is right for you.

 

That isn't to say it is some sort of holy grail and the angels need to be singing.

 

But you have to be able to wake up the next morning and not regret the choice you made.

[apparat86]

I can sympathize with your body issues... I had anorexia and serious body issues as a teenager as well, and had anxiety over being touched in certain ways. It can definitely compound any other sex issues, which are difficult enough on their own.

 

My advice would be to not worry, and focus on finding a guy who will respect and appreciate you, rather than one who makes you "feel beautiful" or attractive. Attraction is in many ways a physical thing-- and I think you will feel much, much better about yourself if you can find a person who is not only attractive, but respectful of you (and is not committed to someone else)

 

You have the maturity and wisdom to make a better decision whom to lose your virginity to--I bet that 38-year-old jerk wishes he could have made a better choice!

[Knittress]

Sixteen or twenty-four, virgin or experienced, you choose when, how, and with whom you ought to be sexual. Have sex because YOU want to have sex with someone YOU choose - don't let your worth and your sexual choices rest in other people. And anyone who makes you feel bad about your sexuality (or lack thereof) is a manipulative sack of #$@! or insecure themselves (or both).

[Untouchable_Fire]

I told him we had to end communication, which we did. That was about four months ago, but I constantly think about him and the relationship I wanted, but even if not that, just the sex with him...being able to lose my virginity to him. I guess I sometimes wonder if maybe I am putting too much emphasis on it and I should have just slept with him? Although I dont even know if my body would have even let me have sex with him because my mind would be thinking about how I was just a release for him.

 

Most guys value women with low experience levels. This won't be a problem for you in the future. No guy is going to walk away from you because of that. Your 38 year old "friend" is more than likely saying that so he has a better chance of sleeping with you.

 

Here is my advice. Don't have sex with someone who is not 100% in love with you. It's going to make you feel like crap and wish you had waited.

 

Stupid girls wait until they are in love with the guy... smart women wait until both parties are emotionally invested.

 

Make sense?

[Awesome Username]

Most guys value women with low experience levels. This won't be a problem for you in the future. No guy is going to walk away from you because of that. Your 38 year old "friend" is more than likely saying that so he has a better chance of sleeping with you.

 

Here is my advice. Don't have sex with someone who is not 100% in love with you. It's going to make you feel like crap and wish you had waited.

 

Stupid girls wait until they are in love with the guy... smart women wait until both parties are emotionally invested.

 

Make sense?

 

Very well put. I couldn't agree more.

[Ms. Joolie]

Hi, Kristie -

 

As someone who has lived most of her life under the influence of an eating disorder, I am very familiar from where you are coming from, very familiar with your struggles in this whole relationship/sex/intimacy thing.

 

You come on here because you know you are having relationship problems, you want a real and committed relationship to share your first sexual experience with, but you are having trouble accomplishing that. In order to accomplish what you want in regards to relationships, you are going to have to work on YOU. A happy and fulfilled person will create happy and fulfilling relationships. A happy, fulfilled person will want to share herself with someone, will want to open up to real relationships.

 

You are going to have to take a very active role in living the life you want, in being that person that can create fulfilling relationships, real relationships. Think about that.

 

Think about what you can do to improve your life now. Remember, as an adult, the responsibility now is yours.

 

Personally, I've had a lot of work to do, and I would have never gotten better had I not fallen in love. It was the motivation to love and be loved that got me on the road to recovery from my eating disorder, from my past, from all my insecurities, all my issues.

 

I am now amazed at how far I've come. Still working on relationships though. So I do recognize myself in your post here and just wanted to share a little of what I see.

[Lost-n-confused]

Don't feel pressured. Your not alone. Im a fellow v-card holder.

[Yuri]

Here is my advice. Don't have sex with someone who is not 100% in love with you. It's going to make you feel like crap and wish you had waited.

 

Stupid girls wait until they are in love with the guy... smart women wait until both parties are emotionally invested.

 

Make sense?

 

Wow, great advice. Thanks for sharing.

[Johnny M]

Yeah, that's what I've been told over and over...once you start you won't want to stop. And I explained that to the 38 year old. I said I wanted to make sure the guy would be around the next morning and the days afterward. I think that opened his eyes a bit and he realized a bit more, but it just hurt to have him say that to me.

The problem is that you can never be 100% sure that the guy would be around the next morning and in the days afterward. For example, what if it turns out that the two of you are not sexually compatible (which is another way of saying that the sex is bad)?

 

I'm not suggesting that you go out and sleep with the first guy you meet, but I get the impression that you're making too big a deal out of sex and that insecurity about your body is not the main issue here. You have to realize that relationships don't come with a guarantee. If you refuse to take risks, you will be stuck in the 'evil cycle' forever.

[zhsoj]

I'm nearly 26, a guy and still have yet to do more than kiss a girl (and I'm sure my kissing could use some improvement). So no I for one certainly wouldn't judge you for it. It would probably makes things a bit easier if I knew that we didn't know what we were doing together .

 

I'm not sure I agree with some of the others about waiting to be in love. I'd like to wait until I was in an exclusive relationship (STD safety) and with someone that I both cared for and knew they cared for me (emotional safety?). And I'd certainly want them to stick around for awhile as I have it on good authority that I will be horrible the first few times, and frankly I want a chance to redeem myself. To wait for love though sounds a bit extreme to me. Maybe it's only a difference in semantics though as I don't take "love" lightly.

[zhsoj]

Oh... And I'd also like to add that I think it's way too easy for us older virgins to put too much weight on that one little part of ourselves thinking we must be missing out on something huge. I'd rather figure out this intimacy thing sooner rather than later, but at the same time it really can't be that big of a deal. I already feel a lot of "love" for people, I just don't know how to express it yet.

[rateyes]

dont let virginity be an issue. im one to, only 18 but i still understand(same reason, want to have it in a commited relationship). bluntly, girls find me extremely attractive.I get alot of dirty looks from girls when i wont sleep with them and find it hard to be around girls cuz i think thats all they want from me now, i think all they see is my physical appearance, not me.But guess what, i leanred that it doesnt matter, they were never right for me, and i shouldnt let their opinions of what i should be, influence me. Think of what you want, and only what YOU want.

[Kristie16]

The problem is that you can never be 100% sure that the guy would be around the next morning and in the days afterward. For example, what if it turns out that the two of you are not sexually compatible (which is another way of saying that the sex is bad)?

 

I'm not suggesting that you go out and sleep with the first guy you meet, but I get the impression that you're making too big a deal out of sex and that insecurity about your body is not the main issue here. You have to realize that relationships don't come with a guarantee. If you refuse to take risks, you will be stuck in the 'evil cycle' forever.

 

I know a relationship is never 100 percent guaranteed. And I'm not waiting for "the one" but someone that I know isn't going to, for lack of a better term, "hit it and quit it." All of my previous experiences would be like that. Not that the guys were necessarily bad, but it was not relationship material. I kind of hate when people say I'm putting too much emphasis on it. Who's to say that? I have tons of friends that are waiting until marriage. Growing up in the Bible belt, I was taught to wait until marriage. it wasn't until college that I decided I didn't want to do that, instead just wait until a committed relationship.

 

But being taught growing up to wait until marriage and being surrounded by that growing up, maybe did lead me to more emphasis on it compared to other people, girls and guys.

 

Maybe the virginity isn't the big issue. It's an issue for me, but I think I'm also insecure about the lack of a relationship. I've gone on dates and guys have asked me out that I've turned down because I just dont like them that way, so it's not that the opportunity hasnt been there. But I know I'd be settling with someone just to be in a relationship. The two guys I've really fallen for turned out to be losers (although they dont seem that way to most people). I do worry what a guy will think when he finds out I've never had a bf. I've been thinking lately that maybe I'm almost self-sabotaging myself by falling for losers, because I'm actually not ready for one. Right now in my career I'm moving around a lot, doing little short stints and I'm selfish about that right now. Maybe, deep down, even though I do think I want a relationship, I dont really want one until I'm settled down somewhere that I know I'll be for a few years. Right now I'm moving every couple of months, not just in the States but around the world.

 

But at the same time, I have no idea when that will be and it scares me that it could be years. If I knew that say in X number of years I'd meet someone I'd be fine, its the unknown that is scaring me.

[Pizzaman81]

What the hell? Girls are freaking over this crap too? Thank you society for giving shame to all those who are virgins... lame.

 

Don't be insecure about it, be lucky. Guys will not care trust me.

[Kristie16]

Thank God you didn't sleep with him when he had a GF. That would make him a pig and you, less than what you're worth.

 

Oh, and a 38 year old pervert should keep his mouth shut about you being a "freak" virgin at 24. I'm not surprised, with men like that running their mouth.

 

 

Keep on looking - there are guys on here that are nervous about the same thing, and it's not as uncommon as you think. If any guy isn't going to be with you because of that, then he's probably not looking for a long-term relationship anyway.

 

God, I think the guy who I almost had sex with and am (unfortunately) still not over cheated on his gf a few weeks before me with another girl. He promised me he never cheated on her before and especially since he moved to the city we were in (he'd just moved there about a month before). And while I wonder if he'd really never cheated on her, I did believe that I was only the only girl at that location. Now I just feel stupid, esp. since I almost slept with him and for some reason still think about him.

[Cora]

Be proud that you are still a virgin! I did not lose mine till I was 26. I felt just like you and was ashamed because all of my friends had experienced this and it was like I was the only one. I felt like such an outsider. I wish to god I was still a virgin. I lost it to the wrong damn guy and I can't take it back. The whole point of me staying a virgin so long was because I didn't just want to lose it to any guy, but I threw all of that out of the window because I felt like the oddball being a 26 year old virgin. I'd take it back in an instant if I could because the guy I lost it to could of cared less about me as a person. Don't look at how many people are or are not virgins. You gotta do what's right for you! Be proud that you are one of the few who are waiting for something special because when you do find that guy, it will be special!

[Scottdmw]

A woman who is a virgin is significantly more attractive to me. It is absolutely a plus, there is not a single downside about it as far as I'm concerned. I would suggest waiting till marriage and giving it as a special gift to your husband, but if you are determined not to do that please make sure that the guy actually loves you at least.

 

Scott