Aftermath of ending a 7-year friendship: I'm considering NC with the mutual friends..

[sunrise24]

This is part 3 in a series about The Crew - me and 3 friends who met in college 7 years ago (for background info, see Part 1 and Part 2).

 

2 months ago, I ended my relationship with the friend who was too controlling and kept pursuing his ex. Now, I'm also considering ending the friendships with the two mutual friends.

 

***

 

Here's my reasoning:

 

The only reason I even know that these people exist is because I did something I was never meant to do. I was never meant for college. To me, it's no coincidence that every relationship I ever formed in college ultimately failed.

 

College was something I was forced into, not having any money, work experience, self-confidence, or affinity for academia to make it work well.

 

The end result is over $40,000 of student loan debt, all overdue, which has resulted in ruined credit. I'm rebuilding piece by piece, but it's been a painfully slow process, full of hurdles for even simple activities, that feels like stagnation.

 

We've had a few reunions since college, but to me, every one of them left a lot to be desired. In my mind, I would have been much better off never having any crushing student loan debt and ruined credit to deal with in the first place; it would be much easier to get a job, save up for investments, be there for others, contribute to special occasions, and so much more.

 

Therefore, I feel like my college experience, and the friendships formed as a result, never should have happened. This is why I'm contemplating essentially erasing everything and everyone from my life connected to college (these two mutual friends are all that remains), so I can move forward with a fresh new start.

 

***

 

I realize this sounds a lot like ranting and perhaps insanity, but my college experience was overall a very painful part of my life, with a strong emotional and spiritual fallout that I still haven't overcome.

 

When I have the financial means to do so, I plan to see a therapist. Interestingly, one of the mutual friends majored in social psychology and is pursuing a career in that field.

 

Whatever I ultimately decide, I'm going to tell them.

 

So, my perception of the fork in the road is:

Do I tell them to cease all contact with me and move on, or do I tell them how I feel about my college experience and give them a chance to help me through the aforementioned emotional and spiritual fallout?

 

What are your thoughts about what I'm feeling?

 

What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

As always, feel free to ask any questions which you deem helpful for clarification.

Edited May 7, 2014 by sunrise24

[littleplanet]

Well Sunrise -

I work in the field (higher ed) and have been researching for the past 4 years exactly what you're describing here. (That 1.2 Trillion of student debt dogging the heels of the youth of the nation.)

I can tell you.....upwards of 2 million people are basically in the same boat you're in.

 

Academia is definitely NOT a pursuit that works for everybody. Not necessarily for lack of brains either. It's more complicated than that.

 

Of course - you need to do what you need to do - to address your situation. If it calls for extreme measures.....I wouldn't worry about social consequences.

 

But my gut response agrees with how you end your post. Perhaps it's not a bad idea to at least let your two remaining college friends know how you feel, and why

If they're real friends at all, they should be capable of some understanding of your situation.

 

(By the way, I didn't read parts 1 and 2 of your story....I'm just responding to part 3)

If it clarifies things more - I'll go back and read the first two.)

 

Just to say it: I've been saying since 2010 that many young people would be far better off if they never went near a university, or higher education....and just began working (at whatever) with a clear determination to avoid any kind of debt altogether.

 

I can tell you this: many of your elders who would disagree with this sentiment are barking up a foolish tree.

I'm one of those elders. My college career cost me all of $3500. That's all.

And the job market I entered salivated all over me like a weasle in a henhouse.

Big difference.

It's a far different world now, than it was back then.

 

It's a damned shame that a higher education produced the results you now face.

We still live, collectively as a society - under the delusion that education per se....has some kind of rosy-hued magic charm attached to it.

I'm sure you know different.

There are too many things now, that it does not solve. Much as we want to believe it does. For many - it has turned out to be a bald-faced lie.

 

Anyhow - enough of that, for now.

I wish you much luck in turning it around. Try surrounding yourself as much as you can, with people who are understanding and supportive of your position.

It doesn't mean you're a failure.

Many brilliant, hardworking young people have failed just as you - even worse.

Hold your head up. You accomplished something many never even attempted.

When the dust settles, you'll be able to move on and past it.

[littleplanet]

Okay. Just read parts 1 and 2.

I'll give a short and blunt response:

 

That friend in question is using you.

Desperate people commit desperate acts.

And it is not at all a healthy desperation.

Just my 2 cents' worth.