Friend is attracted to a woman whom he admires; is trouble brewing?

[sunrise24]

Some of you may remember me writing about a friend of mine who wanted his ex back.

 

After a break in contact on Jan. 27, he and I started texting again on Feb. 8 about an unrelated incident in my life. Since that initial stream of dialogue I posted on Jan. 14, there had been no mention of his ex from either of us.

 

We've mostly been talking about his work and my personal life. As part of his work, he recently finished an article and I offered to read it.

 

Tonight, we discussed his article, which happens to be about a Christian woman who is working to bring empowerment and justice to marginalized people in the city where she is based. My friend is Christian as well. The conversation quickly took an unexpected twist...

 

 

***

Here's the dialogue:

 

Me: I just read your article.

Him: And?

Me: I like it, though the 2nd sentence in the 2nd to last paragraph looks like a run-on.

Him: That's a quote where [woman of interest] speaks. By reading that article, can you tell I like her?

Me: You mean as more than a friend?

Him: Yes, Silly Beans.

Me: I didn't get that impression.

Him: Well, I do. It's one of the reasons I wrote the article.

Me: So what do you like about her?

Him: How unrelenting her love for God is. For instance, instead of saying a Broken One, I used a Special One in reference to her being. She said that she was broken and not special. This shows her humility.

Him: Of course, I'm really attracted to her. She's never had a boyfriend. And she's one of ex's best friends.

Me: Who's ex?

Him: Mine, Silly Goose.

Him: Any comments?

Me: Okay, let me make something clear: I am not comfortable talking about your ex. Talking about exes is generally not my style. Besides, she had made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me; there's nothing I can do to "help" in that regard.

Him: Expand your horizons; I said that the girl I'm pursuing is one of my ex's best friends.

Me: There's a widely-held code of ethics: do NOT date your ex's friends.

Him: The question is whether or not that code of ethics is well-sustained. I doubt it is. I want only friendship from my ex.

Him: My concern is this woman's reaction to considering a relationship with me despite being a close friend of my ex.

Him: OMG. Are you hurt?

Me: I'm fine. Listen: it's ultimately your choices and your consequences; I can't force anything. We've generally done well with giving each other emotional support and brainstorming business ideas. However, your ex and anything/anyone closely connected? Outside my boundaries; I'm not getting involved there.

Him: I can see life is, has, and will continue slapping you around. This causes you to wrote what you expressed above. I understand what you say. I appreciate your company (even is it is via text).

Him: Life has been doing likewise to me.

Me: ... Very important question: can we agree that I will not be involved in any way with your ex or anything/anyone closely connected to her, so that we may focus on our emotional and business support for each other?

Him: I'd rather have your friendship than a business relationship. I'm still wondering how you can help me...

Him: Ah! Help me find another job! And help me create a strong and honest resume.

...

Me: There's a thought. Now, what about my question? Deal or no deal?

Him: So, want to help me? Your question is a bit exaggerated.

Him: If so, you may start now.

Me: What's your answer to my question?

Him: Haha. We'll discuss this in person. Things are not so [my name] and [mutual friend's name].

Me: What do you mean?

Him: Things are not so black and white.

Me: Let me try to phrase this more clearly: I feel that I should not be involved in any pursuit of your ex or any of her friends. Can we agree to this?

Him: That's better! You'll have to listen to my stories, however.

Me: That's fine, for the emotional support. Regarding your question about how I can help you, deal. If it fails, we can always revisit the drawing board.

...

Him: Let's meet tomorrow and discuss how you can help. Yeah? I'll pay you for our meeting. K?

...

Me: See you tomorrow.

Him: Night, bud.

***

 

 

What are your thoughts on what's going on and how I've been handling the situation? What would you do if you were in this situation?

Edited February 24, 2014 by sunrise24

[preraph]

This is just one more way he's trying to get at his ex. And you agreed to listen to his stories about it all after telling him no, so I don't know if that was a misunderstanding and you thought he meant articles, but he didn't. This guy is a real piece of work.

[chelsea2011]

Hmm. I dunno what insights or advice to give. This all sounds so cryptic and complicated. I guess the only thing that is important is what your own thoughts and feelings are on the matter. What are they?

[writergal]

I'm curious OP as to why it makes you jealous that your male friend is romantically interested in another woman? Why is it any of your business? You seem to like to meddle in other people's business, the way you meddle in your friend's love life. It really isn't your business who he wants to date or why, since you are just his friend. If you were his girlfriend then I think your worry would be legitimate. As it stands now, you have no right to butt-in to your friend's love life. Stay out of it. For your friendship's sake.

[preraph]

^ he's not jealous. This should actually be part 2 to another thread wherein he writes about this guy's unrelenting 3-yr pursuit of his ex, stalkery behavior. Now he's supposedly interested in someone else but guess what? It's the ex's best friend. So that's why he's asking the question. He would hope he had moved on, but I seriously doubt it is anything more than a ploy to get the ex's attention.

[writergal]

I thought the OP was a woman asking about her male friend. I'm confused.

[CC12]

Wait, it sounds like he had already hired you to "help" him with something before he even knew what exactly he needed help with? It's not entirely clear what the arrangement is, but I can say with certainly that you should not accept a single cent from him, ever. If you want to help him out with whatever, do it for free or not at all. Once you accept his money, you will owe him, and he'll probably take full advantage of that.

 

I think it's nice that you're trying to give your old friend a second chance, but he was a controlling creep back then, and he's a controlling creep now. He speaks to you like you're a child. Silly Beans? Silly Goose? Really?

 

And you tried repeatedly to get him to agree to your boundary. He tried blowing you off until it was clear you weren't going to drop it, and finally, he basically says, "Haha, alright little buddy. I'm still going to talk about it, though." He does not give a **** about your feelings or boundaries, just like he doesn't give a **** about his ex's feelings or boundaries.

 

I'm just going to be frank. Your friend is a pretty weird dude who has trouble respecting boundaries, and you seem like you are...maybe a little easy to manipulate. I'm sorry. I see you're trying really hard to assert yourself, and you're doing a good job. But he has once again somehow gotten you to agree to "help" him with something, like you "helped" with his ex.

 

Keep your distance. You shouldn't be doing this guy any favors or lending emotional support or becoming his employee. I mean, do you really want to be friends with this guy? If so, why?

[sunrise24]

I just now texted my friend to let him know that I'm effectively walking away:

 

Me: I'm not continuing with the project.

Him: Why?

Him: Has anyone told you that you have a propensity of abandoning projects and tasks? I think you have that issue. I hope you can be critical of your decision.

Me: I *do* abandon projects, when I see that the cost is too dear. In this case, you're still too controlling. Besides, my mother, with what little she has, provides all the support I need to keep going, which is more than I can say for you.

Me: As far as still being friends, that doesn't work; our attitudes are too incompatible.

Him: I see that you're too uncritical. I wonder how long you'll last with your mom. I wish it is longer than with with your dad. The doors will always be open for you [my name]. Funny fact: people always reject you. In fact, they all do. I don't and never will.

 

I decided there was nothing more to say to him; I've deleted all his contact info and any records of contact between us.

 

***

 

CC12: you, along with preraph, chelsea2011, Confuddled1983, and KatZee confirmed my uneasy feelings about giving him another chance. Because I'm still struggling financially, I figured that holding on to this relationship and helping him out however I could would be beneficial for both of us, since he told me "if I do well, you do well." The tasks themselves weren't necessarily difficult; the psychological dynamics were stressful.

Your analysis ties in with a classic "money & power" dynamic: he knows that he's fairly stable financially and I'm not; his controlling attitude means that he takes advantage of this.

Paradoxically, the only way for me to get out of being in the weak position and being easy to manipulate? Walk away.

 

It takes an especially strong degree of resilience to be able to walk away from "opportunities" when circumstances are challenging.

Edited March 2, 2014 by sunrise24

[CC12]

I decided there was nothing more to say to him; I've deleted all his contact info and any records of contact between us.

 

You're doing the right thing. The more chatlogs you post, the worse he comes off. He's not a nice friend, and he's not going to be a nice boss.

 

And actually, you're not easily manipulated. You really needed the money and you still said no to a questionable situation. You've handled this really well.

[preraph]

Good. Changes you make deliberately for yourself are nearly always good in the long run. Getting stuck is nearly always bad or mediocre.

[sunrise24]

Yesterday, I texted the mutual friend I had occasionally been in contact with (no contact with the other one yet) informing him that I'm done with the friend in question.

 

***

 

Today, he requested further elaboration, leading to a dialogue:

Mutual friend: If I may ask... why? What happened?

 

*I sent him the links to my 2 topics in this forum about the matter and replied "read for yourself."

 

Mutual friend: I understand. FYI, neither [other mutual friend] or I would reject you. I think [friend in question] also cares for you, although he is quite persistent in getting his way.

Mutual friend: [Friend in question] is a hopeless romantic... I have also tried to talk him out of pursuing an impossible love. It is very obvious to me that she wants him out of her life, yet he is blinded by the truth.

Mutual friend: FYI, when I asked you if we could hang out, the purpose was not to discuss [friend in question]'s situation. We were all interested in knowing how you were doing.

Me: I know that discussing his situation was not the purpose of a reunion; my concern was the possibility of him bringing it up nevertheless, spoiling the mood. When interacting with me, he was *especially* prone to bringing up his ex, since I had demonstrated the most emotional availability of us 4 on the matter, hence my analysis that he saw me as the easiest source of fuel for his pursuit.

Mutual friend: He would have most likely mentioned it during our reunion.

Me: And after what I had already gone through with him, I did not want to deal with the matter anymore, at all. That he continued to be that forceful with me despite the additional life challenges I'm now enduring only reinforces the conclusion, supported by virtually every LoveShack.org contributor, that I should not keep [friend in question] in my life.

 

***

 

The mutual friend might respond further, but that's all the dialogue for today.

 

preraph: This supports your conclusion in my previous topic that no amount of talking to the friend in question will help. At this point, I'll pass on any get-togethers with the other two friends whenever the now ex-friend in question is going to be involved.

 

It remains to be determined what will develop with the remaining two friends; they haven't shown any hard feelings toward me so far.

Edited March 5, 2014 by sunrise24

[preraph]

Oh, I bet they'll be okay. They will surely have the courtesy now to keep your get-togethers separate from the ones they have with him. I would invite them to do something soon just to be sure they know you're not mad at them or something. I mean, maybe one ends up taking his side, like in a divorce, but I can't imagine they'd think that highly of him to be very extreme about it since he's such a mess.