I don't know if it's a stress disorder, or compulsiveness, or what.

[PuppyDogEyes]

Bear with me. This is a long story.

 

Without going too much into specifics (for now), I’ve had a lot of life changes in the last 5 years. They include:

 

- a divorce

- beginning and ending a 3 year relationship (the end was very, very painful)

- a cross-country move, as well as ANOTHER move a year later into my own place (I am now on my own for the first time in 10 years)

- beginning a relationship with a new boyfriend (I’m still with him and we’re doing well)

- new employment (the best job of my entire career)

- recognizing possible abuse within my family and making strides toward therapy

- my credit record is now finally cleared (divorce does take a toll on it, ugh!)

- I quit a 20-year smoking habit nearly a year ago and am now working further on my health by losing weight

 

Most of these changes, as you can see, have been very good for me. I am, at 34, self-sufficient and responsible for my own life. So I should be happy, right?

 

The problem that I seem to be suffering now is that, well, there are no problems. Isn’t that insane? But it’s almost as if my whole body is tense, just waiting for the next blow. I’m waiting for the news that I’m six million dollars in debt, or that I’m going to be fired tomorrow because of some stupid mistake that I made at work, or that I quit smoking too late and now I have cancer - something. It’s almost as if I cannot believe my good fortune. It’s as if I’m waiting for it all to be taken away from me, because I’ve never had things go so well for me, not ever.

 

One side effect of this is that I’m intensely lonely. I’ve been burned so much in the past that I’d rather take the withdrawal and the pain that accompanies it instead of trying again. This isn’t a healthy way to live, and I know it – but I just can’t get past the fear of losing everything that I’ve worked so hard to achieve over the last few years. My boyfriend tries to understand, bless his heart – but he’s really the only person that I’m close to anymore, and even then I try not to bother him with my problems because I don’t want to put it all on him – it’s not healthy and it’s not fair. My family is a non-issue – I have disowned them by choice. And I don’t have a lot of friends because of the withdrawal – I have extreme trust and abandonment issues.

 

I want to break out of these heavy, thick walls that I’ve put around myself – but how? I’m not even sure I know who the person inside of them is anymore, because with each stressful thing that happens to me, I can feel myself withdrawing more and more. Soon there’ll be nothing of me left. But at the same time - I’ve lived with something going wrong in my life (no matter how small it might be) for so long now that I can’t relax when things are going well. Does this make any sense to anyone?

 

I’m starting therapy in a couple of weeks, but I don’t really know if it’s going to help. And I’m trying to reassure myself that I’m okay financially. (I really don’t even know why I’m stressing about the bills – my rent is double-paid through July and all of my utilities are paid three weeks early, every time – this is how compulsive I’ve become.) My boyfriend is leaving for Europe in a month’s time (he’s going for the summer), so this will be a test of how well I do on my own. I’m so, so, so freaking scared.

 

Forgive the wordiness of this post. I guess I needed to vent. Comments appreciated, thanks.

[basscatcher]

Bear with me. This is a long story.

 

Without going too much into specifics (for now), I’ve had a lot of life changes in the last 5 years. They include:

 

- a divorce

- beginning and ending a 3 year relationship (the end was very, very painful)

- a cross-country move, as well as ANOTHER move a year later into my own place (I am now on my own for the first time in 10 years)

- beginning a relationship with a new boyfriend (I’m still with him and we’re doing well)

- new employment (the best job of my entire career)

- recognizing possible abuse within my family and making strides toward therapy

- my credit record is now finally cleared (divorce does take a toll on it, ugh!)

- I quit a 20-year smoking habit nearly a year ago and am now working further on my health by losing weight

congrats!!

 

Most of these changes, as you can see, have been very good for me. I am, at 34, self-sufficient and responsible for my own life. So I should be happy, right?

Change is good. its just hard to change with the changes.

 

The problem that I seem to be suffering now is that, well, there are no problems. Isn’t that insane? But it’s almost as if my whole body is tense, just waiting for the next blow. I’m waiting for the news that I’m six million dollars in debt, or that I’m going to be fired tomorrow because of some stupid mistake that I made at work, or that I quit smoking too late and now I have cancer - something. It’s almost as if I cannot believe my good fortune. It’s as if I’m waiting for it all to be taken away from me, because I’ve never had things go so well for me, not ever.

You sound like you have PTS. post tramatic syndrome.. You have lived on high alert for so long. Your adrenaline has been running in high gear and now you don't need too. You body needs to be trained to slow its production and relax.

One side effect of this is that I’m intensely lonely. I’ve been burned so much in the past that I’d rather take the withdrawal and the pain that accompanies it instead of trying again. This isn’t a healthy way to live, and I know it – but I just can’t get past the fear of losing everything that I’ve worked so hard to achieve over the last few years. My boyfriend tries to understand, bless his heart – but he’s really the only person that I’m close to anymore, and even then I try not to bother him with my problems because I don’t want to put it all on him – it’s not healthy and it’s not fair. My family is a non-issue – I have disowned them by choice. And I don’t have a lot of friends because of the withdrawal – I have extreme trust and abandonment issues.

This is also normal for someone coming out of a high adrenaline life and with so many changes.

I want to break out of these heavy, thick walls that I’ve put around myself – but how? I’m not even sure I know who the person inside of them is anymore, because with each stressful thing that happens to me, I can feel myself withdrawing more and more. Soon there’ll be nothing of me left. But at the same time - I’ve lived with something going wrong in my life (no matter how small it might be) for so long now that I can’t relax when things are going well. Does this make any sense to anyone?

This will happen in time. You also need to be aware of yourself, Understand where you've been and accept where you are at now. Helps

I’m starting therapy in a couple of weeks, but I don’t really know if it’s going to help. And I’m trying to reassure myself that I’m okay financially. (I really don’t even know why I’m stressing about the bills – my rent is double-paid through July and all of my utilities are paid three weeks early, every time – this is how compulsive I’ve become.) My boyfriend is leaving for Europe in a month’s time (he’s going for the summer), so this will be a test of how well I do on my own. I’m so, so, so freaking scared.

Theraphy will work as much as you put into it. It is your choice to be open, honest, upfront, detailed and listen openly and chose to practice the steps suggested by the therapist. REMEMBER if you don't feel comfortable with this therapist--find a different one. There is one out there that will work best. Don't settle with one you feel uncomfortable with. It wont help your healing.

Forgive the wordiness of this post. I guess I needed to vent. Comments appreciated, thanks.

Hun, no one can be as wordy as me... believe me..... just look at my posts under my avatar... :lmao: I have a reputation for wordiness.

[blind_otter]

You can get evaluated for PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder), generalized anxiety disorder, any number of disorders --

 

But IMO this sounds like situational depression. YOu've gone througha lot of life changes and honestly, the human emotional makeup responds best to routine, so you're re-adjusting. It sounds like you are pro-active in your decisions to take action and help yourself.

 

I would be more concerned if you were in these circumstances and didn't see anything wrong with it, or were so helpless that you had no escape plan!

 

Keep venting, journaling is a great way to get started on the road towards self-discovery, and also you can bring your journal entries with you to therapy, they are an excellent tool that you can use with your therapist to focus on specific issues.

[basscatcher]

I agree with B_O!!

She is very smart... She has lots of psycological knowledge.

[PuppyDogEyes]

Thanks, B_O and padameckla. I've read posts from both of you in previous threads and I know that you've given some wonderful advice.

 

I've started my therapy, and although not much has come from it so far (only a couple of sessions have transpired), there's disturbing indications that not only might I suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome, but possibly social anxiety disorder, as well. I had to complete a few evaluation forms.... my Gawd, all the paperwork.... and there were a few questionnaires that dealt with social anxiety disorder. I've never heard of this before - except for maybe once or twice when they're pushing new drugs on the TV. (Which I largely ignore, for the most part...) But if it is social anxiety disorder, this would explain huge blocks of my life where I felt more or less alone and friendless. I have extreme trouble talking to people, interacting with them.... you name it.

 

I'm wondering if there's any way to combat these disorders without the use of drugs. I really don't want to be locked into taking a med for the rest of my life... unless I have formed misconceptions about these things. Could someone with a better knowledge of this maybe tell me? Everything that I've read so far indicates that I might need medicine.

 

Sorry for asking what must seem like a dumb question (or questions), but I feel like I'm in a forest with no way out - I just don't know anything about this.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Alexandra]

First and foremost I'd like to congratulate you. For taking this step. For deciding to take care of you. It's the first, and at times the most difficult step.

 

From what you describe it can be any number of things, I wouldn't leap into a diagnosis and having had a few sessions in therapy without him/her giving you an answer about it suggests they are taking their time with it too, which is good.

 

On meds it depends... I'm not a fan personally and some are indeed having some nasty side effects, however medication for some problems is really harmless -e.g. the Magnesium and vitamins that are common in the treatment of BPD, etc.- On the other hand it does depend on what you will get prescribed and how well you'll choose to educate yourself about those in particular. I would advice against reading all possible formulas of treatment that you can find on a Google search they will only serve to leave you with confusion and angst and they may well not be appropriate for your case.

 

If you get prescribed a drug you have doubts on, please raise the issue with your therapist. Few things are worse than a patient convinced a treatment is working against them. ("Anecdotically", last year, a client of mine was so convinced the Xanax I suggested was going to give him brain cancer he flushed it all down the toillet for months.)

 

Last but not least while you get more educated on these issues also please remember to have patience and give therapy a chance. It may appear slow but if you waited for this long struggling with these issues I'm sure you can at least use the opportunity to learn more about yourself.

[Guest]

Alexandra's insight seems invaluable and very comprehensive. I would simply suggest to take things (life) one step at a time and realize that change is not always easy. I am sure that most people have felt, at some point in their life, as if they were lost and lonely---floating aimlessly like waves at sea. So, do not feel alone. Time is something that nobody can control yet it seems we all want too. Good Luck.

[PuppyDogEyes]

Thanks for your kind words, all of you. Believe me when I tell you that every little bit helps. I don't feel so horribly alone.

 

Right now, my first big hurdle is going to be the fact that my boyfriend is leaving for Europe on May 31st - he'll be away until August 19th. He's really the only support system that I've had this past year, and I'm very scared of him leaving for a lot of reasons.

 

What's irrational is that one of the big reasons is because he'll be traveling by plane (of course). I keep imagining that his plane will crash, either on the way there or on the way back. 9/11 affected me very deeply to the point where I had disturbances for weeks afterward, and ever since I've been afraid of planes, airports, anything to do with flying. I never liked flying even pre-9/11, but now? Forget it.

 

Alexandra, you were right about the Googling - my therapist suggested that I not do it, simply because of the fact that there's so much conflicting information out there, and that a lot of it could scare me. "Each case is different", she says. There's still no talk of medicine yet, but I think it's too early to tell. She's very patient with me, and I feel that I'm pretty lucky at this point. I am impatient and impulsive by nature - always have been - so I guess that I should try to slow down and let things work their course.

 

As for my boyfriend leaving, I know there's not much I can do to stop him, nor should I. He'll "probably" be all right. But it's that one chance that's scaring the hell out of me. If I lost him right now I think that would be a big step toward insanity. (By the way, he knows about and fully supports my therapy - says that anything I need to do in order to get myself healthy, he would help as much as he could. I sure do love that man. )

 

Another session tonight. I will keep everyone posted with occasional updates. And more thoughts are always welcomed, it helps me to put things in perspective.

 

Thanks.

[blind_otter]

I have PTSD from rape trauma syndrome and I don't take medication for it. AFAIK PTSD doesn't respond well the psychopharmaceuticals but I may be wrong. I can't take SSRIs because I have a seizure disorder.

 

I took benzodiazepines for anxiety disorder, but it only served to make me addicted.

 

A good book on PTSD is "I Can't Get Over It" by Dr. Aphrodite Matsakis. It has exercises you can work through.

 

Ufortunately the thing about a lot of PTSD patients is that they just want to get over it. And really, you can't. You learn to live with it and cope better.

 

Some say this is sad, a deth sentence. For me, it never was. I went through what I did and I grew as a person in ways that people who are never confronted with that kind of violence can never grow.

[PuppyDogEyes]

I have PTSD from rape trauma syndrome and I don't take medication for it. AFAIK PTSD doesn't respond well the psychopharmaceuticals but I may be wrong. I can't take SSRIs because I have a seizure disorder.

 

I took benzodiazepines for anxiety disorder, but it only served to make me addicted.

 

A good book on PTSD is "I Can't Get Over It" by Dr. Aphrodite Matsakis. It has exercises you can work through.

 

Ufortunately the thing about a lot of PTSD patients is that they just want to get over it. And really, you can't. You learn to live with it and cope better.

 

Some say this is sad, a deth sentence. For me, it never was. I went through what I did and I grew as a person in ways that people who are never confronted with that kind of violence can never grow.

 

First of all, B_O, allow me to express - maybe not sympathy, because I have no conception of what you've been through - but, empathy instead. (I don't even know if that's the right word. sigh.)

 

I've purchased Dr. Matsakis's book - it's odd that you mention it here, because my therapist suggested it for me in our last session. I've just started it, and it's definitely holding my attention, because I am seeing a lot of myself in it. I also picked up a book called "Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe" by Signe Dayhoff, also by recommendation - and there are self-help techniques in there that seem to make sense (haven't tried them yet, not up to that point).

 

I'm starting to pinpoint a lot of what I'm anxious about - one of which is my financial situation (which I've sort of always known about). If you looked at my finances on paper, I've never done better in my life than right now. But it's like an anorexic looking at herself in the mirror and saying she's too fat - I look at my bills (all marked "paid") and I start worrying about how I'm going to make it through the next month, how I'm going to pay for this, where is the money going to come from - and I'm not at all living outside of my means, I have enough money to sock away into a savings account every paycheck (and I do indeed do that, but only after I'm reassured that it's "okay to do so". I'm not even talking a small amount, I'm talking about hundreds of dollars!!!). I just look at my bank account(s) and I cry.

 

A lot of this has to do with my environment growing up - I lived in crushing poverty as a child and my mother was on public assistance until I was in the beginning of high school. Middle school is tough on adolescents anyway, but when you grow up like I had to, it leaves scars that you can't erase. People made fun of my brother and I because at one point we had 5 outfits a piece - our "Monday outfit", our "Tuesday" outfit, etc. We just couldn't afford any better, and I don't know how kids can tell you shop at the Goodwill, but they know. They just know.

 

The only good thing that I can say about those years was that the "Reagan cheese" they used to give us made the best grilled cheese sandwiches ever.

 

Oh, there's much more to be brought out of the closet, as I guess you can tell. But my finances are just the tip of the iceberg, and it's something that I have to deal with right now, it's not in the past like a lot of this crap is. I just have to keep reassuring myself that I'm not going to be thrown out onto the street anytime soon. I must not be, if I can afford therapy.

 

(sigh) I really, really, really feel f***ed up.

 

Session tonight. Will keep those of you interested updated.

 

- pde.

[blind_otter]

do!

 

Hell yeah you're doing ok if you can afford therapy. one day at a time. I'm in AA, too, and sometimes I have to go down to one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Break it into manageable sections. Otherwise it can get overwhelming.

[PuppyDogEyes]

My therapist has suggested that I begin to break out of my shell by trying to do some volunteer work. I'm deathly scared of this, frankly - it means interaction with other people - but she pointed out that even if I don't make friends out of this, I'm still helping other people who need. The thought of this makes it a bit more palatable. I used to be in a situation where I needed services (clothes, food, shelter), so the thought of giving back what I took years earlier is an appealing one....

 

Also, it'll keep me busy while my boyfriend is away. I can't just sit in the house and cry, because that's exactly what I'll do if I don't get out.

 

I'm starting to (very slowly) relax about the finances. My credit reports have come back from investigation and a few negative items were removed, so I'm starting to feel a little better concerning that. I'm not really as bad off as I'm thinking I am, but no doubt the issue will come up again - it always does.

 

Other than this, no change. I'm scheduled to discuss some of the material that I've read over the past week, so we'll see what happens.

[PuppyDogEyes]

It's been almost a month since my boyfriend left for Europe, and admittedly, it's been very hard without him here. Life has been constantly up and down - unfortunately it's been down more than up. I've posted in a different topic about how work has been more or less killing me (today it's eased up, thank Gawd for that), so that hasn't helped. But the gym has. I go there at least 4 times a week now, sometimes more. I swear that it's the best decision I ever made. I can take out my anger (and believe me, there's plenty of it) on the machines.... push myself to limits that I never thought I could physically reach.

 

At this rate, I'll be a shadow of my former self. But then... that's what I am now, aren't I?

 

I tried to do volunteer work at a local warehouse, but... it didn't work out. I was just too scared to go. My therapist definitely feels that I have all the symptoms of social anxiety disorder, so she put me on a very light dosage of Paxil CR (I think the 12mg tablet) to start with, and if that doesn't help, the dosage will be increased. I just began to take it about a week ago, but I've been told it takes time to work. At this point, I'm at rock bottom - if it means that I take drugs for the rest of my life to feel sane, so be it. Others have to, so at least I'm not alone.

 

Lots of crap in the closet. My family put the "fun" in dysfunctional. The money issues aren't even an issue now, because there's so much buried under the surface that I have to come to grips with. My mother's hatred of men and telling me that "they only want one thing" - but then paradoxical behavior in that she would take off for days, weeks at a time with a boyfriend and leave my brother and I alone to fend for ourselves. My father leaving the family, but then using any weapon he could against my mother to try and get us away from her, including a fake DSS claim that there was sexual abuse. (I'm sorry, but my God - anyone that would stoop that low, using their own children to get back at their XW....) My brother moving his girlfriend into our house when he was 17, and said girlfriend literally beating the crap out of me, digging her nails into my arms (I still have scars), flinging me against walls... I was 10 years old. How the hell does a 10 year old fight back? Why should they even have to?

 

And just think, folks - this is my own family. Christ only knows what sick will spew out next. Fun stuff for a Friday night, huh?

 

No wonder I don't want to face the world.

 

Sorry for going off on a tangent. It's all a lot to deal with for me, and a lot of it is just more painful than one can imagine. I just thought I'd give an update for those interested.

 

Off to the gym, then to my session for tonight.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

-pde.

[blind_otter]

thanks for the update, pde. therapy sucks, you bring up all the nastiness and it's like stirring up muddy waters. You feel like you lose all clarity, but hopefully you come out better for it....

[ConfusedGal]

I relate to this...I guess you can say I am in somewhat of the same situation, In the sense I have ALWAYS had problems..Family issues allll the time. That I live in fear. Cant really do anything without fear. Cant really make my own decisions etc.... Its so hard..I am also seeing a therapist. Kind of hit a dead end today though. I dont think she really knew what to tell me...

[Becoming]

Puppy, you've got folks who know what you're talking about on LS. A great many of us came from abusive situations. If you're up for the reading of a tome, you can check out this thread entitled How do you recover from child abuse? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77326/

 

I got everything I wanted out of life and hit the wall of anxiety and depression and withdrawal you're talking about. It's PTSD from all the childhood abuse that I never really dealt with because I was too young with no one to really show me how. And the thought of having to go back and experience all of those things again in therapy was enough to make me want to bolt. It's extremely painful to dredge all that stuff up again. But I've hung in there and I'm much better now.

 

LS has helped a great deal. It enables those of us who trust little to be able to come out of ourselves to connect with others in a safe way and test our wings before doing it in real life. Keep posting.

 

We get addicted to drama because it's what's familiar. It's all we've ever known. It's not what we want, but it's the closest thing to home we know.

 

Good for you for walking away from your family! Good for you for starting therapy and being proactive for you. You are choosing life for yourself, and you're going to do great (though it may not feel like that right now or for awhile yet).

 

I'm sorry for your pain. The thought of you being 10 beaten up against a wall makes me cry. Watching you struggle to take your life back, though, makes me want to cheer!

 

Go, Puppy!

[PuppyDogEyes]

Thanks for the encouragment, Becoming. But I don't feel very encouraged today. I feel like I'm spiralling downward into an abyss. The more I find out about myself, the more I just want to not live anymore.

 

No worries, y'all - I'm not going to do myself in. 1. I've already tried before and it didn't work (sort of the "haha, I'm such a loser I can't even do myself in the right way" school of thinking) and 2. What would it solve? The same problems would exist - and I doubt that anyone would even care if I were gone or not. I'd stick around just to spite those folks.

 

My boyfriend and I have decided to take a small hiatus (the one thing that I had feared would happen - and it has). It didn't come as much of a shock, really - he's put up with more than anyone should have to. I love him so much. I really do. He's the only one that's kept me sane all these months while I was trying to get my stupid life together. But I can't ask him to shoulder all of my burdens. It's not fair to him - he's too young for it, he should be going out and having fun and enjoying his life, not dealing with a woman 13 years older with emotional problems.

 

I'm come to call my therapy sessions the "Friday Night f***ups". Each Friday night it seems that I have more and more reason to hate myself.

 

I'm scared that none of this is working. I'm isolating myself more and more, and I'm starting to drink - and I have never touched a drop of alcohol in the past, except for New Year's. These aren't good signs. I know it.

 

What it boils down to is this: I'm afraid. I am so afraid of everything, including my own shadow. Each and every day of my life, I've been told I'm worthless in some fashion or another that I'm just close to the point where I want to throw my hands up and say, "Yeah, you're right. All of you are right, so f*** off and leave me alone."

 

Sorry for the negativity. I'm to the point now where nothing matters anymore but for crawling under my covers and staying there forever.

 

Excuse of the day to use at work: "You look like you've been crying, your eyes are red." "Oh, they're just dry... I desperately need Visine." <hurrying to wipe the tears away>

 

Thanks for listening.

[PuppyDogEyes]

Still hanging on over here, although I'm not sure of what to think right now. My boyfriend (ex-boyfriend? God, I don't even know anymore) returns to the U.S. on August 11th, and he's told me that we need to sit down and "talk about things". I think that I already know some of what he's going to say, but I'm going to have to sit down and listen to every word of it in order to feel whole about this entire situation. Even if it's bad, I've got to know. It's not like I haven't lost what I love before....

 

I've been forcing myself to go out and meet people. I did happen to run into an old friend of mine the other night while I was out, and admittedly, it was great seeing him again. This person was in my life during one of the few times where it was happy... so maybe... we've agreed to dinner in the next few days. I don't have a hope of it going further, though - I don't want it to, not right now. I also have a female friend staying over this weekend, so she's promised me a night at the dance club, getting sloshed. (Well, she'll get sloshed - I can't drink, not on my meds, so...) There's been some positive things since my last entry, which I read over and I realize sounds so horrible.

 

Unfortunately, I know that abyss of which I spoke all too well.

 

I've lost some more weight, which is a positive. I've been exercising a lot recently, which always seems to make me feel better. And as stated, I'm starting to make some friends. So, maybe this is all a good thing, and I should keep hanging in there.

 

I did get a raise at work - a 12 percent increase. That was quite a shock - a pleasant one.

 

My therapy is progressing slowly. I'm starting to learn a few things about myself that maybe I hadn't seen before - that I'm afraid of rejection (mainly because of my past)... that I seem to think the world is out to get me... that I feel invisible because I don't ask for what I want (I've never done that, though, and I know that a lot of that is left over from childhood). My childhood actions might have protected me from being hurt/neglected/abused, but they're no longer necessary - yet I'm still carrying them over into my adult life, and have been for some time. It's no wonder that I'm alone... that I feel trapped. More stuff has come out in the sessions - some of it very, very painful. (I'm not really ready to reveal it yet, as I'm still wrestling with some really painful emotions right now.) But this will heal over time... won't it?

 

The Paxil has helped. I don't think I'm going to need a heavier dosage right now, although I still have days like the one I had in my last post where I just feel that fighting is pointless.

 

At this point, it's a waiting game. Waiting to see if my ex?-boyfriend will be willing to help me through what is probably the biggest change and challenge of my life. Waiting to reconcile myself to my past. Waiting to see if my newly found friends will truly be my friends, or betray me like everyone else seems to have in the past.

 

It's all waiting now... I just hope that the wait is worth it. I really, really do. (hopeful, tentative smile)

[Becoming]

Hi, Puppy! I've been wondering about ya.

 

What you're going through is a kind of harrowing of hell in order to see what can be redeemed out of the past horror. Honestly, there've been days when I've walked around saying to myself, "I believe in the resurrection, I believe in the resurrection" because I knew only the miracle of a resurrection could cause good to come out of all the abyss. I can see trailers for that new movie "The Descent" and feel my stomach churn in anxiety. I know what's in the pit of of me, and I don't want to go down there anymore.

 

But if I don't keep going in and dealing with it, the creatures from the dark lagoon keep coming out and running my life with their fear that immobilizes me. So I keep going in week after week in therapy until now I see that those dark critters in the abyss of my soul are all the negativity I came to believe about myself based on what I was told by others. It's really hard to face the fact that one part of you hates you and is slowly destroying you. It even sounds crazy to say it out loud or write it on LS. But there it is. I drained the swamp of my soul only to come face to face with The Swamp Thing that holds me in its thrall.

 

So now I'm learning its ways so I can get control over it. One thing I know is that it works by fear. So I have to stare it down when I want to run and hide and tell it to stop. It really is like an exorcism!

 

Yeah, you for continuing with the therapy. It is so hard. I've been in for a year this time (I'm going for the Barbra Streisand award on therapy, I think ), and I've just now gotten down to the realization that one part of me hates me and is abusing me like my mother did. I mean really seeing it. The only thing I know that works is judgment and mercy/exorcism of the evil and embrace of the good with compassion/repentance and belief in the resurrection.

 

Pretty easy to see why Christianity works for me, huh? It's a deep truth that I have to live every day or I'd have died of despair long ago.

 

Keep fighting the good fight, PDE. You're gonna make it.

 

I laughed when you got a 12% raise. :D Fear makes you think you're not gonna have enough $$, yet when you confront the reality that you do, the universe gives you a raise. Think you're being told something here? Things aren't always what we think they are; sometimes they're too good for those of us who think we're somehow bad to believe. But it really is true, Pup. The good things are for us, too.

 

Blessings!

[mariJane]

Bear with me. This is a long story.

 

Without going too much into specifics (for now), I’ve had a lot of life changes in the last 5 years. They include:

 

- a divorce

- beginning and ending a 3 year relationship (the end was very, very painful)

- a cross-country move, as well as ANOTHER move a year later into my own place (I am now on my own for the first time in 10 years)

- beginning a relationship with a new boyfriend (I’m still with him and we’re doing well)

- new employment (the best job of my entire career)

- recognizing possible abuse within my family and making strides toward therapy

- my credit record is now finally cleared (divorce does take a toll on it, ugh!)

- I quit a 20-year smoking habit nearly a year ago and am now working further on my health by losing weight

 

Most of these changes, as you can see, have been very good for me. I am, at 34, self-sufficient and responsible for my own life. So I should be happy, right?

 

The problem that I seem to be suffering now is that, well, there are no problems. Isn’t that insane? But it’s almost as if my whole body is tense, just waiting for the next blow. I’m waiting for the news that I’m six million dollars in debt, or that I’m going to be fired tomorrow because of some stupid mistake that I made at work, or that I quit smoking too late and now I have cancer - something. It’s almost as if I cannot believe my good fortune. It’s as if I’m waiting for it all to be taken away from me, because I’ve never had things go so well for me, not ever.

 

One side effect of this is that I’m intensely lonely. I’ve been burned so much in the past that I’d rather take the withdrawal and the pain that accompanies it instead of trying again. This isn’t a healthy way to live, and I know it – but I just can’t get past the fear of losing everything that I’ve worked so hard to achieve over the last few years. My boyfriend tries to understand, bless his heart – but he’s really the only person that I’m close to anymore, and even then I try not to bother him with my problems because I don’t want to put it all on him – it’s not healthy and it’s not fair. My family is a non-issue – I have disowned them by choice. And I don’t have a lot of friends because of the withdrawal – I have extreme trust and abandonment issues.

 

I want to break out of these heavy, thick walls that I’ve put around myself – but how? I’m not even sure I know who the person inside of them is anymore, because with each stressful thing that happens to me, I can feel myself withdrawing more and more. Soon there’ll be nothing of me left. But at the same time - I’ve lived with something going wrong in my life (no matter how small it might be) for so long now that I can’t relax when things are going well. Does this make any sense to anyone?

 

I’m starting therapy in a couple of weeks, but I don’t really know if it’s going to help. And I’m trying to reassure myself that I’m okay financially. (I really don’t even know why I’m stressing about the bills – my rent is double-paid through July and all of my utilities are paid three weeks early, every time – this is how compulsive I’ve become.) My boyfriend is leaving for Europe in a month’s time (he’s going for the summer), so this will be a test of how well I do on my own. I’m so, so, so freaking scared.

 

Forgive the wordiness of this post. I guess I needed to vent. Comments appreciated, thanks.

 

 

 

the therapist will tell you, ask them.

[PuppyDogEyes]

Yeah, you for continuing with the therapy. It is so hard. I've been in for a year this time (I'm going for the Barbra Streisand award on therapy, I think ), and I've just now gotten down to the realization that one part of me hates me and is abusing me like my mother did. I mean really seeing it.

 

One of the more recent revelations that made me think about things was this:

I am normally extremely aggressive with men - in the way I approach them, in the way I speak, think, act. Nearly all of my relationships have failed because I've been told that I'm "too much for them to handle". But... perhaps maybe I'm extremely aggressive because of this: maybe I'm trying to get back at my past BFs in some strange unconscious way, to make the "new person" hurt as much as my past BFs hurt me; and I'm remembering echoes of my mother's voice saying that "men only want one thing, so stay away from them"... those factors combined together make me angry, scared but yet vulnerable as well. I hate feeling vulnerable so much!

 

A few close friends have recently told me that I don't have a lot of friends because I refuse to open myself up to other people. I tell them, well yeah, if you'd been through what I have, wouldn't you just want to hide away too? It's like, who can you trust?

 

I recently tested the waters by telling my female friend (the one who came down last weekend) a few really close-to-the-heart secrets about myself. I fully expected her to draw back in horror, but she just kind of nodded and said that she'd figured as much. Heh... seems I've been so wrapped into my insular little world that I didn't think that maybe others noticed me at all....

I'm still nervous that she's going to do me dirty, but I mean, what else can I do? The way that I see it, if she did spill my secrets, it's not like I haven't been hurt before... what more could she really do to me....my social life is starting to improve a little, but oh my God it's hurting me to reach out. I'm so bloody scared to trust anyone. But I'm being told that it's the only way to make things better - to force myself to get out there and do it.

 

So far it seems to be paying off. My problem now is wondering when my new-found friends are going to stab me in the back.

 

-pde.

[Becoming]

So what if folks find out we've been wounded by life? Who hasn't? It's like we embody all this shame for who we are and shroud ourselves in it. (Note the word shroud, as in death, entomb, etc.).

 

I got Lucinda Bassett's tapes on anxiety off e-bay and took them with me on a trip this past two weeks. They're good. Worth the $$.

 

There's no shame in what's happened to you. It just happened. And you've been damaged by it. Everyone has scars from something.

 

True friends are those who know who you are and honor your wounds. But we can't have true friends if we never tell them about the wounds to see how they'll react.

 

You are who you are, Pup. Good and bad. And what you are is just . . . human. As my therapist said to me, "What? You mean folks will find out you're human?" Not perfect, as WE think we have to be in order for anyone to love us. Just human, subject to the same hurts as everyone else. "When you prick us," as Shakespeare has Shylock say in Merchant of Venice, "do we not bleed?"

 

I understand the aggressiveness. I do it, too. It's a defense mechanism, a test. I call it my Sleeping Beauty security system--the hedge of thorns, the huge wall, monsters, etc.,--a system designed so that only the worthy may receive the prize of the Princess. Well, here's the thing: I'm no Princess, and Prince Charming (oh, yeah, like he exists! ) is no dummy. He can just waltz in to some other Princess' castle who has her drawbridge down, or just inquire at the door if the drawbridge is up. So why on earth would he want to hack his way through all those thorns? In other words, our security system is guaranteeing we're only going to attract some crazy dude coming after us with a pick axe who can't honor boundaries!

 

Time for Sleeping Beauty to wake up and say, "Enough of this stupid curse!"

 

So is guy back from Europe? And have you had the talk?

[PuppyDogEyes]

So is guy back from Europe? And have you had the talk?

 

Yes, he returned on August 11th. I was feeling so sick to my stomach just before his plane landed, because I thought to myself... "How do I explain that I've changed so much.... and will he accept those changes?"

 

As it turned out, we had a good, long talk. He's willing to work with me, but admittedly, things are different now - the relationship itself oddly feels more... mature. I'm not sure of how to explain it. At the same time, however, there's definitely less closeness. Unfortunately, that might be what I need right now, as I'm so used to feeling either completely smothered or attacked over and over in relationships.

 

It seems weird that I feel smothered, but yet so alone.

 

I'm still having problems on other fronts - the social anxiety continues, the worries about finances continue, acceptance of certain incidents remains difficult. I'm starting to throw away some negativity, however - I just threw out a 2-year "friendship" that had been negatively impacting my life for a long time - and I'm starting to learn that it's okay not to be a doormat, that I have the right to be angry. Huge step forward. I buried my anger previously because I was (and to an extent still am) so afraid of conflict.

 

I may have to step up on the medication, however, as there seem to be a few areas that my therapist feels we haven't made progress with. Sigh.

 

Time, that's all I need is time....

[Becoming]

It's really tough what you're doing. Just keep on slogging through because you're worth it. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. (And it's not a train! )

[basscatcher]

PDE--- Wow your words have changed for the possitive since you first posted. I haven't been back in since I posted in the beginning..

 

You are growing, you are healing, your are doing what is good for you..

 

Amazing....

 

Inspiration....

 

Wonderful.....

 

Keep up the great work on yourself...

 

There is a sliver lining--we need to get through the tangled threads to see its beauty...