Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia

[D-Lish]

These last 5 months are really catching up to me. I've been cyclical with depression since I was a teenager. The anxiety I've had since I was a child. It's the anxiety that is so hard to deal with. People that don't have anxiety, don't understand how crazy it can be at times. I sometimes wonder how I function given the level of panic I live with.

 

I have General Anxiety Disorder. The only way to explain it is to liken it to this: You know that feeling of being startled? Something jumps out at you, there is a scary moment in a movie you weren't expecting... Your heart jumps into your throat, your heart beats so loud, it echo's in your ear drums, your hair stands on end, butterflies in the stomach... Your body goes into panic mode for a few seconds before slowly returning to normal. For me, my body is ALWAYS in that moment. My body feels like an engine on constant panic overdrive and it's so exhausting. It's accompanied by constant worrying/ruminating. Basically my brain and body never shut off. To top it off, I have insomnia. Imagine trying to fall asleep when your body is constantly in that "fight or flight" mode and you can't stop thinking.

 

I will often collapse from exhaustion most nights, only to wake up after a couple hours of sleep with my heart beating like it's going to come out of my chest. My sleeping pill prescription just doesn't work anymore and I'm at the maximum dosage.

 

Combining the anxiety with not being able to sleep is probably making my depression a lot worse. I just stayed in and wept most of the day today. I feel like the last 5 months has just caught up with me and I've hit my breaking point. I'm just so exhausted.

 

This has happened in the past, it's a cycle for me. It's also a cycle for me to go on meds, feel better, and go off of the meds because I convince myself I don't need them anymore.

 

These last 5 months have been really hard. The miscarriage, then the break up- not to mention my job is an endless source of stress. I can't even have a true day off - I am fielding an average of 5 calls from work on a day off because I always need to be available everyday when the stores are open. I've been holding things together as best as I can, presenting in public like a normal trouble free person.

 

The last couple of days I have just started breaking down. I've just been privately weeping whenever I can find a moment to be alone.

 

My depression is often situational. Always triggered by a traumatic event. In my case, it's the miscarriage and getting dumped right after. I don't really talk a lot about my own issues in real life to people. I feel like everyone needs me, and I have to play that role. That's why I feel okay about posting here- but also feeling guilty about asking for help (I always do when I ask for help here).

 

I feel like an Alien trying to explain anxiety and how debilitating it can be.

Does anyone else feel this level of anxiety?

[threebyfate]

No, love, I can't relate. But I can sympathize and give you many hugs.

 

((((D))))

[whichwayisup]

Hell ya! I know what you mean, those who have never experience panic and anxiety do not have a clue.. Unless you've been through or are going through it, noone can understand the feelings it brings on, how it messes with our heads, both emotionally and physically. Combo that with depression, whether it be mild or more, it SUCKS.

 

I am sorry that you're feeling this way, I wish I had a magic wand to rid of it all for you!

 

You know my typical answer, cognitive behaviour therapy. And, no meds.

Yoga.

 

Would you consider counselling?

 

Hugs!

[Cee]

I've been there although I had agoraphobia, not GAD. I have always had anxiety and depression (bipolar), but it got really bad after my divorce. I almost became housebound and it took a few years to get completely better. The anxiety was worse than the divorce because it took my freedom. I felt like my life had no purpose because I was overwhelmed by fear.

 

Little by little it got better through CBT and meditation. And then a doctor prescribed a new drug for my bipolar. He said it's good for anxiety. And he was right. I started to feel better and less consumed by fear. The drug has been a miracle for me, but CBT, trauma therapy, good sleep, and exercise helped too.

 

I know you want to power through your anxiety, but it isn't a weakness to get meds for your anxiety. You call it situational depression. Yes, it might be, but you have a history of anxiety/depression that responded well to medication. It's a good idea to go back. Then you will have the strength to deal with the situational stuff- the grief and loss you've experienced.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

I feel like everyone needs me, and I have to play that role. That's why I feel okay about posting here- but also feeling guilty about asking for help (I always do when I ask for help here).

 

Same! Unfortunately, us people pleasers and givers are usually the ones who end up suffering quietly.. We don't ask for help, nor do we want to burden anybody with our stuff, helping others is a distraction too..

[D-Lish]

No, love, I can't relate. But I can sympathize and give you many hugs.

 

((((D))))

 

Thanks for the cyber hugs TBF, it always helps.

 

Hell ya! I know what you mean, those who have never experience panic and anxiety do not have a clue.. Unless you've been through or are going through it, noone can understand the feelings it brings on, how it messes with our heads, both emotionally and physically. Combo that with depression, whether it be mild or more, it SUCKS.

 

I am sorry that you're feeling this way, I wish I had a magic wand to rid of it all for you!

 

You know my typical answer, cognitive behaviour therapy. And, no meds.

Yoga.

 

Would you consider counselling?

 

Hugs!

 

I have had CBT in the past, but I always end up back in the same place. I've tried Yoga, I see it as more of a bandaid than a cure. I practice deep breathing every morning, but it doesn't always cut through the ruminating.

 

I think for me it always comes down to abandonment. I rarely give my heart to anyone- and this last guy was truly the first person in almost 6 years that I allowed myself to be vulnerable to. He fell head over heels for the initial presentation, but abandoned me once he got to know the real me. That's significant for me. You got to know me, then decided to reject me... Therefore I must be someone that deserves to be rejected...

[D-Lish]

I've been there although I had agoraphobia, not GAD. I have always had anxiety and depression (bipolar), but it got really bad after my divorce. I almost became housebound and it took a few years to get completely better. The anxiety was worse than the divorce because it took my freedom. I felt like my life had no purpose because I was overwhelmed by fear.

 

Little by little it got better through CBT and meditation. And then a doctor prescribed a new drug for my bipolar. He said it's good for anxiety. And he was right. I started to feel better and less consumed by fear. The drug has been a miracle for me, but CBT, trauma therapy, good sleep, and exercise helped too.

 

I know you want to power through your anxiety, but it isn't a weakness to get meds for your anxiety. You call it situational depression. Yes, it might be, but you have a history of anxiety/depression that responded well to medication. It's a good idea to go back. Then you will have the strength to deal with the situational stuff- the grief and loss you've experienced.

 

Good luck.

 

Are you okay with saying what the med was that helped you?

[snug.bunny]

I have had CBT in the past, but I always end up back in the same place. I've tried Yoga, I see it as more of a bandaid than a cure. I practice deep breathing every morning, but it doesn't always cut through the ruminating.

 

If you have a history of Depression and General Anxiety Disorder, it is something that is with you for life, and must be routinely managed.

 

Think of it like a diabetic, a diabetic will die without managing it....

 

You're current situation, is linked to abandonment, that is your trigger point. Forget about the hows/whys. You already know the source. Your goal should be to learn and practice coping skills, and to NOT revert backwards in your negative thought process.

 

You have to go forward...

 

I know it's hard, I sympathize, but I firmly believe this is something you can overcome.

[D-Lish]

Same! Unfortunately, us people pleasers and givers are usually the ones who end up suffering quietly.. We don't ask for help, nor do we want to burden anybody with our stuff, helping others is a distraction too..

 

Yes, WWIU, I feel like I suffer privately. If I had to sum it up, that's a good description.

 

I often get a lot of satisfaction from helping others, it makes me feel better.

 

I got through my break up 6 years ago by ignoring my own pain and just posting help to others, and that worked to an extent.

[Cee]

Are you okay with saying what the med was that helped you?

 

The med is Seroquel, which is a mini-neuroleptic used for bipolar disorder. It's great for anxiety and sleep. I don't think it's a fit for you though since you aren't bipolar.

 

I investigated the gamut of meds for anxiety. As I understand it, antidepressants are the first line of treatment although Buspar is good for GAD. I had no response at all from ADs, but I hear they help a lot of people.

 

I'm not a med pusher by a long shot, but I personally need them. If I don't take medication, I end up in a very bad place. But meds alone aren't enough. I also need to keep my stress levels low and take care of my health. It sounds like you are doing to much for others and not enough in taking care of yourself.

 

I wish you the best in dealing with this.

[D-Lish]

The med is Seroquel, which is a mini-neuroleptic used for bipolar disorder. It's great for anxiety and sleep. I don't think it's a fit for you though since you aren't bipolar.

 

I investigated the gamut of meds for anxiety. As I understand it, antidepressants are the first line of treatment although Buspar is good for GAD. I had no response at all from ADs, but I hear they help a lot of people.

 

I'm not a med pusher by a long shot, but I personally need them. If I don't take medication, I end up in a very bad place. But meds alone aren't enough. I also need to keep my stress levels low and take care of my health. It sounds like you are doing to much for others and not enough in taking care of yourself.

 

I wish you the best in dealing with this.

 

Thanks. I was on Seroquel for my sleep disorder in the past but I had to stop. I'd take it an hour before bed, and I'd be unable to wake up in the morning. I'd do the opposite and sleep 12-14 hours a night and then I'd be so groggy during the day that I had to stop it. I'd literally sleep through my alarm on it.

 

I take Immovane for sleep, but it's lost its magic. It helps me fall asleep, but I just wake up after a few hours and that's all I get from it.

 

Wellbutrin and Clonozapam worked well for me in the past.

 

My job stresses me out- I just got home from work just now, and I left my house before 10 this morning to hit the road. It's just an endless list of things to get done- and the pressure is insane. It's one insane deadline after another.

 

It's insane how the body reacts to stress. My hair has been falling out, my skin is breaking out with little raised bumps all over my face- I have zero appetite. Because my body is functioning like a furnace blasting on overdrive with all the windows open- I burn energy quicker than I can take it in. I'm down to 116lbs as of this morning- down 9 lbs in 2 1/5 weeks. I've got to start drinking boost shakes again to keep my weight healthy. The last time this happened I went down to 105lbs (I'm 5'7").

 

I really just want to close the door, turn my phone off, curl up into a little ball and simply sleep for 2 days without interruption.

[D-Lish]

I also wanted to add that I've deleted my dating profile from POF. It's just really not a good time to be seeking companionship.

 

I'm a firm believer that you're not going to find the right relationship when you're not in a good place yourself.

 

Also, POF was the site where I met my ex- and everytime I logged in, I kept fearing I was going to see his picture in the banner.

 

Trying to date people when you're in a tailspin is either going to result in hurting someone else, or end up with me making dating choices that are completely wrong for me.

[whichwayisup]

See if you can try melatonin to help you sleep and relax. Talk to your Dr..

 

Good that you deleted your account off of POF. It makes sense and I think you're right, now isn't the time to date. Enjoy compliments, flirting etc, to make you feel good again!

 

Write to you more tomorrow, it's late and my mind is kind of mush right now..

 

Hope you're sleepin'!

[betterdeal]

Aw, that sucks and you're clearly a lovely person so it doubly sucks.

 

I've experienced event-driven depression and hypervigilence / anxiety on and off over the years. Last night was the first night ever that I've slept in a bed without a cover (mini heatwave in the UK) undisturbed which is, to me, a major sign of how unstressed I am at the moment.

 

I think a lifetime of being a worrier means it takes time and work to undo the patterns, the perceptions that cause it. I recommend time out from dating and reading lots of self-help books, good diet, journalling, yoga (especially), massage, hypnotherapy, reconsidering your career path, and meeting people from different walks in life.

 

Of the books that impressed me, here are the main ones:

 

Boundaries & Relationships - Charles Whitfield

Getting Past Your Breakup - Susan Elliot

Consolations of Philosophy - Alain de Botton

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship - Beverly Engel

Too Nice for Your Own Good - Duke Robinson

 

Reshaping my relationship with myself first of all has been the biggest single root to happiness. Then with family, then friends, suppliers, clients, and random strangers in that order.

 

It's worry that's the problem. Worrying we won't be happy makes us unhappy. So, finding ways to not worry, makes us happy.

[sb129]

D-Lish, I know how you feel. I have cyclic depression too and lately I have been feeling as if my plate is really full for various reasons. I can feel the "black dog" snapping at my heels again and I have been wondering whether or not I should go back on ADs.

 

I wish I had the answer- but we have to keep on trucking sometimes and thats the hardest part.

I also know what you mean re: work stress, I haven't had any time off for ages either and I really need it. Is there no way at all that you can take some time off?

 

So no answers, but lots of sympathetic thoughts.

Hugs.

[carhill]

Trying to date people when you're in a tailspin is either going to result in hurting someone else, or end up with me making dating choices that are completely wrong for me.

 

My compliments. IMO, this awareness portends well for the future. You've been through a lot lately.

 

Myself, I was never diagnosed like you apparently have been, but stumbled upon immersion therapy (ha, self-help), then later professional therapy, to largely have dissipated the anxieties I formerly had. The immersion was essentially purposely putting myself into situations where I had to survive in unfamiliar and often very fear-inspiring territory. A couple of examples were going on a solo safari into central Africa and, later, volunteering for roles which required speaking in front of large audiences.

 

IMO, take one aspect and focus on it. My first suggestion would be, through whatever means (experiment), getting a solid night's sleep. I recall sleep deprivation when I was caregiving impelled paranoia, anxiety and a form of psychosis, where I would 'see' and 'hear' things that weren't there, inciting more anxiety. Ugly, ugly period. I finally knocked myself out with anti-psychotics and started to get some sleep and things got a lot better.

 

Whatever you choose, the operative aspect is that you have choices and you are in control of your life. Yes, you have work, friends and family. You choose how you interface with your life and where your priorities lie. Your health is job number one IMO. This anxiety, the physical manifestations, can take a marked toll on your health over time; it can shorten your life. Life is a pretty valuable thing. Take care....

[SmileFace]

These last 5 months are really catching up to me. I've been cyclical with depression since I was a teenager. The anxiety I've had since I was a child. It's the anxiety that is so hard to deal with. People that don't have anxiety, don't understand how crazy it can be at times. I sometimes wonder how I function given the level of panic I live with.

 

I have General Anxiety Disorder. The only way to explain it is to liken it to this: You know that feeling of being startled? Something jumps out at you, there is a scary moment in a movie you weren't expecting... Your heart jumps into your throat, your heart beats so loud, it echo's in your ear drums, your hair stands on end, butterflies in the stomach... Your body goes into panic mode for a few seconds before slowly returning to normal. For me, my body is ALWAYS in that moment. My body feels like an engine on constant panic overdrive and it's so exhausting. It's accompanied by constant worrying/ruminating. Basically my brain and body never shut off. To top it off, I have insomnia. Imagine trying to fall asleep when your body is constantly in that "fight or flight" mode and you can't stop thinking.

 

I will often collapse from exhaustion most nights, only to wake up after a couple hours of sleep with my heart beating like it's going to come out of my chest. My sleeping pill prescription just doesn't work anymore and I'm at the maximum dosage.

 

Combining the anxiety with not being able to sleep is probably making my depression a lot worse. I just stayed in and wept most of the day today. I feel like the last 5 months has just caught up with me and I've hit my breaking point. I'm just so exhausted.

 

This has happened in the past, it's a cycle for me. It's also a cycle for me to go on meds, feel better, and go off of the meds because I convince myself I don't need them anymore.

 

These last 5 months have been really hard. The miscarriage, then the break up- not to mention my job is an endless source of stress. I can't even have a true day off - I am fielding an average of 5 calls from work on a day off because I always need to be available everyday when the stores are open. I've been holding things together as best as I can, presenting in public like a normal trouble free person.

 

The last couple of days I have just started breaking down. I've just been privately weeping whenever I can find a moment to be alone.

 

My depression is often situational. Always triggered by a traumatic event. In my case, it's the miscarriage and getting dumped right after. I don't really talk a lot about my own issues in real life to people. I feel like everyone needs me, and I have to play that role. That's why I feel okay about posting here- but also feeling guilty about asking for help (I always do when I ask for help here).

 

I feel like an Alien trying to explain anxiety and how debilitating it can be.

Does anyone else feel this level of anxiety?

It is weird to read this, since it hits so close to home. I am not diagnosed but I am pretty sure I suffer from anxiety. It hasn't acted up for about a month now - which is great but I know the feeling. I will be at work sometimes and it would feel as if my heart is racing at 100 miles a minute but I actually feel numb. It usually feels like everything is speeding around me, while I move in slow motion.This feeling usually lasts a couple of hours for me or days. I don't know what actually triggers it.

Exercise usually calms this down - it helps me to keep up with the speed of the panic. If that makes sense.

 

It is a horrible thing to live with. It causes me to go in isolation mode. Most of the people in my life are aware of this. It is so normal for me to disappear, that my father leaves messages on my phone like this, "Smile, when you are out of your funk call me." I have lost friends over isolation but it is the only thing I know. I even full guilty asking for advice here - since I am pretty so many others need help. It is the point in life where I don't even live for me but for others. All my time is spent caring for the needs of others. Which isn't good but it keeps me from focusing on all my fault.

 

Don't even get me started on insomnia. I don't know what a regular sleep pattern is. I am so messed up.

 

Sorry about the miscarriage and break up. I wish I had something better to say.

[Dust]

I’ve been pretty depressed to lately. I feel really lonely even though I have friends, family, and a girlfriend. I’ve been so lazy and loving it but that has to end now. I’m not even sure how or if I’m going to be able to make my half of next months rent. I need a job, likely any job. I feel like if I complain to my gf or family it just stresses them out and in turn stresses me out. I broke down crying in front of my girlfriend over a little thing that happened on tv.

 

I think the common sense tricks might work best. First always have a plan and try to do as little or as much each day to work toward that plan. If you don’t have a plan or goal make one. Second make sure you go outside and breath in fresh air and let the sun shine on you for at least 10 minutes or something each day maybe more. Finally stay as physically fit as you can, that includes eating a good mix of fresh fruits, vegetables, nuts and other proteins like egg, poultry, fish, meat etc. Also stay limber, and get aerobic and anaerobic exercise.

 

I’m kind of lacking in all 3 areas right now. I need to move forward with my plans to make myself successful. I need to get in better shape and eat a little better. I need to make sure to outside and relax a little each day.

 

As far as sleep goes that would fall into the being health category of eating and exercising. For me making a routine works best. Try to wake up and go to sleep the same time each day.

 

Good luck to both of us.

[heartbreaker]

Hell ya! I know what you mean, those who have never experience panic and anxiety do not have a clue.. Unless you've been through or are going through it, noone can understand the feelings it brings on, how it messes with our heads, both emotionally and physically. Combo that with depression, whether it be mild or more, it SUCKS.

 

I am sorry that you're feeling this way, I wish I had a magic wand to rid of it all for you!

 

You know my typical answer, cognitive behaviour therapy. And, no meds.

Yoga.

 

Would you consider counselling?

 

Hugs!

 

I totally agree that the best cure although not as easy as it seems is therapy in natural form no meds. While meds help in critical moments, they won't make it go away, it'll just be a matter time before you go anxious again. But with cognitive therapy or even yoga, you can deal with this problem head on.

[betterdeal]

IMO, take one aspect and focus on it. My first suggestion would be, through whatever means (experiment), getting a solid night's sleep. I recall sleep deprivation when I was caregiving impelled paranoia, anxiety and a form of psychosis, where I would 'see' and 'hear' things that weren't there, inciting more anxiety. Ugly, ugly period. I finally knocked myself out with anti-psychotics and started to get some sleep and things got a lot better.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I have used essential oils, hypnosis, prescription sleeping tablets, valerian tea, NRT (as a heavy smoker, withdrawal was something that woke me up), cannabis, hot milk, hot chocolate and staying at friends occasionally (to have company).

 

I find a two hour nap in the day time and about 6 hours at night works for me.

 

But yes, make sleep not war!

[snug.bunny]

I also wanted to add that I've deleted my dating profile from POF. It's just really not a good time to be seeking companionship.

 

I'm a firm believer that you're not going to find the right relationship when you're not in a good place yourself.

 

Also, POF was the site where I met my ex- and everytime I logged in, I kept fearing I was going to see his picture in the banner.

 

Trying to date people when you're in a tailspin is either going to result in hurting someone else, or end up with me making dating choices that are completely wrong for me.

 

Just on the subject of dating in general, some suggest that if/when you get knocked off the horse, that you should just get right back on. Others suggest the opposite...

 

If you are a naturally sensitive individual, I think what you suggested IS the best course of action. Otherwise, you'd be throwing yourself back into a situation that is just going to pacify those emotions for the time being. And, it's not fair to either individuals involved.

[2sunny]

d-lish... i would suggest no drinking. the top two symptoms of a drinker are anxiety and depression.

 

drinking magnifies those symptoms.

 

for me, at the end of my drinking - i definitely had periods of complete paranoia - even hearing things that weren't there.

 

hugs to you, hope you get to feeling better.

 

 

it also helps me every day, now, to get out of myself... even random acts of kindness can make a big difference for me.

[D-Lish]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the responses.

 

I've lived with the anxiety since I was a child. I've had lots of therapy, including CBT- and I practice deep breathing every day- it hasn't helped. The only time I've ever felt normal is when I took the cocktail of wellbutrin and clonozopam. I just remember thinking to myself one day about 6 weeks after starting the meds... "wow, I feel relaxed and happy". The anxiety was just GONE- and as someone that had spent 30 years suffering from chronic anxiousness, it was an amazing thing to experience. It was just stupid of me to go off the meds thinking I had been "cured"... Because sure enough, within a few months, I was back to the same old place.

 

My anxiety is pretty extreme, and it's the physical symptoms that stifle me. It's really hard to concentrate and function when your body is in the fight or flight mode 24/7. The CBT has helped me to deal with some of the ruminating- but it does nothing to help with the physical aspects of my anxiety.

 

It's like living life with chronic migraines (just as an example)- you can't control your body producing the headache- it just is what it is. For some reason people think that a migraine is something that's okay to take meds for- but things like anxiety and depression are ailments that don't need that attention despite the fact that it's a chemical issue in your brain. I don't want to take meds for the rest of my life- but maybe it's the best thing for me given my past history of success with taking meds.

 

Trust me, I've gone the gentler route, and it helps for an hour or so- but unless I'm doing yoga or practicing deep breathing 24 hours a day- These calming techniques really only have short term effects for me.

 

I too feel there is a stigma attached to taking meds - which is why I think I tend to go off them when I "feel better".

[Cee]

I've gone off my Meds more times than I can count. But multiple hospitalizations woke me up the reality that Meds work for me. Nobody would tell a bipolar like me that Meds are bad. But sadly anxiety isn't treated like that. People tell you to breathe and relax. Great, but oxygen is not going to adjust brain chemistry.

 

In some ways, my mental illnesses are a blessing. I learned self care, boundaries, and tolerating setbacks. These are good life skills to have. But yeah, I get upended by stress. In fact, last summer I was doing online dating and I became severely depressed. In fact, that's what brought me to the forum. And then I stopped dating for several months. And I felt better. Life situations that seem totally normal to others is hard for me. But oddly, I don't feel disabled. I'm simply a bit different and unable to deal with BS for long.

 

D Lish, I don't have answers except to say that if you've had remissions in the past, you likely will get relief from previous treatments.

[alphamale]

I feel like an Alien trying to explain anxiety and how debilitating it can be.

Does anyone else feel this level of anxiety?

i could write a book on it sister