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I'm sick of men who make excuses to not date you


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Old 6th March 2019, 5:41 PM   #16
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Isn't the point of the lame excuse to avoid having to give honest, constructive feedback that upsets the other person (because it is often going to touch on the negatives that they are aware of but most sensitive to or in denial about).

I think a lot of us wish we could see ourselves from others' perspectives in order to improve. But those truths can be hard to deal with when actually received.

"Yes you are too big/too small/wrinkly/dumb/too quiet/whatever..." doesn't work so well in RL, IMO. Never yet met a perfect human being.
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Old 6th March 2019, 5:42 PM   #17
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Nor do men - they tend to argue against the reason. I think it's a human thing rather than a gender thing. "I'm not ready" or "it's not you, it's me" is so much easier than dealing with the fallout from being honest.
Ya like being accused of leading them on or "Why did you even say yes to a date then?!" ugh!
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Old 6th March 2019, 6:05 PM   #18
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Isn't the point of the lame excuse to avoid having to give honest, constructive feedback that upsets the other person (because it is often going to touch on the negatives that they are aware of but most sensitive to or in denial about).
Yes indeed. But there are also times when you can't put your finger on the issue. Even when I left my ex-h, I could name a couple of the issues but I didn't get true clarity until quite some time after I'd left.
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Old 6th March 2019, 6:43 PM   #19
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Try telling the truth And getting into a womanís pants at the same time
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Old 6th March 2019, 7:22 PM   #20
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His reasoning happens all the time, people think they are ready to date
and have a new relationship when they are really not.Unfortunately they do not realize it until they actually start going out with people
I feel your pain. This happened to me a year ago but it was 5 months of dating, and he ghosted me so that pretty much killed me for a good 6 months after. Still think about him. I'm sorry that happened but be glad it was only one date!!!!

I agree that people don't go into a rebound-potential thinking or intending it to be a rebound, it just kind of happens.

My guy that I dated last year was 3 months out of a rocky on and off again relationship with his ex of 4 years when we met online and apparently had broken up with her for the second time. Found out 2 months in after we spent half of each week and even spent the holidays together and I was falling in love with him that he was still talking to her in secret. Soon after he admitted he was still heartbroken over her and was going through a lot and wasn't ready for a relationship. At the time I was obsessing over WHY he wasn't ready, or what that even meant. Looking back I can see clearly it was just an excuse. MAYBE a part of him wasn't ready, but maybe the other part was that he just lost interest in me and wanted to play the field. Once he told me he thought I was "too square. I like to live my life on the edge." Maybge he dumped me because he didn't like that I was "too square". I don't f'ing know. The one thing I know is that he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but I'll never know why he dated me for that long to only make an excuse and disappear. Tomorrow marks one year since I last saw him. Still hurts.

Point is: be with someone who doesn't make excuses. I've learned this the hard way. My previous ex (who did love me) always made the excuse that he wasn't ready for xyz. He kept postponing moving to CA (we were long distance) because of work. I reached my breaking point at one year and told him that I knew he really didn't want to move and it was just an excuse. I broke it off for that reason among others but the point is excuses don't fly with me anymore. I'm tired of it too. Hang in there!
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Old 6th March 2019, 8:01 PM   #21
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Point is: be with someone who doesn't make excuses. I've learned this the hard way. My previous ex (who did love me) always made the excuse that he wasn't ready for xyz. He kept postponing moving to CA (we were long distance) because of work. I reached my breaking point at one year and told him that I knew he really didn't want to move and it was just an excuse. I broke it off for that reason among others but the point is excuses don't fly with me anymore. I'm tired of it too. Hang in there!
littlebridge: wow sorry to hear that he put you through that. Yeesh! But your ex illustrates exactly what my gripe is with men who make excuses as to why they don't want to date a woman, whether it's after the first epic date, or a few months or longer.

I can't believe he was cheating on you emotionally with his ex, while dating you (I've actually had this happen to me also and it SUCKS).

But when a man says he's "not ready," that IS an excuse, whether he thinks his reasoning is valid or not, because it's not the truth, which is: he's no longer interested in being with the woman, and rather than respect her enough to tell her the truth (which obvs. will hurt her feelings), he lies to her (which hurts her feelings regardless but is also an insult to injury b/c of the lack of respect he's shown by making up a dumb excuse).

The posters here who defend men giving these lame excuses so they don't have to hurt the woman's feelings are not seeing that it's actually not up to the guy to control how a woman reacts to his truth or lies. It's up to the woman. Don't lower her intelligence, by stating that women are too sensitive or vulnerable to deserve being hurt by the truth. That is total baloney. Men are not allowed to control how women react when they act like a jerk, and then try to weasel out of it by giving a flimsy excuse that is a total lie, which creates more stress and confusion for the woman, which is crueler than just owning up to the fact that you're an immature dog, and you don't like her. She'll get over you. Trust me.

Here's a self-prescribed "dating coach" video about guys and the excuses they use not to date a woman after they meet her:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5AYWkMFKJI

Here is an article that highlights 13 men's responses to the truth behind the excuse, "I'm just not ready to date you,"

https://thoughtcatalog.com/rania-nai...yre-not-ready/

And here is another article, reason #4 resonates loudly with me about my recent epic date failure (My gut said "rebound" but his intentions were rejection so it evened itself out).

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/wh...to-you/1057747

Excuses from men are about their priorities. That's what I'm beginning to understand about why they use stupid excuses. If he wants to keep you as an option, or totally reject you, he'll lie with an excuse. If he absolutely values and respects you, you'll become a priority. If people would stop being scared to be honest with each other, that would eliminate all the confusion and everything that doesn't need to happen with dating and relationships.

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Old 6th March 2019, 8:40 PM   #22
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It STILL hurts, sadly I still think about this guy and I'm even in a new relationship with a guy who has never made any excuses... because he actually wants to be with me and doesn't have emotional baggage from a past breakup that was recent, and doesn't hang on to his exes.

I think that you are right, when someone makes an excuse it is to keep as an option, because that is what the guy last year did to me. He didn't want to lose me completely but didn't want to go all in and drop contact with his ex and/or other women I guess. Took me awhile to gather my dignity and courage to walk away (never contact him again either).

Hard stuff.
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Old 6th March 2019, 8:52 PM   #23
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But when a man says he's "not ready," that IS an excuse, whether he thinks his reasoning is valid or not, because it's not the truth, which is: he's no longer interested in being with the woman, and rather than respect her enough to tell her the truth (which obvs. will hurt her feelings), he lies to her (which hurts her feelings regardless but is also an insult to injury b/c of the lack of respect he's shown by making up a dumb excuse).
So what would a guy, who after this "epic" first date has decided he really is doing you a disservice because he's just not ready, say to you ?

Would you rather he lead you on in hopes of sleeping with you?

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Old 6th March 2019, 8:57 PM   #24
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Believe me Auggie, I know how hard dating is when you are really wanting to find that special someone...

I just can’t help but think, dating is going to be really hard for you if you invest this much emotional energy into each date, particularly when it doesn’t work out...

Because, let’s be honest here... unless you are really lucky it will not work out many times before it finally happens...
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Old 6th March 2019, 9:35 PM   #25
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Auggie, have you ever dated someone you weren't attracted to and had to tell him you didn't want to date him anymore? If so, what did you tell him?
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Old 6th March 2019, 9:44 PM   #26
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So what would a guy, who after this "epic" first date has decided he really is doing you a disservice because he's just not ready, say to you ?

Would you rather he lead you on in hopes of sleeping with you?

Mr. Lucky
Well, what he ended up doing was because I led that horse to water AND made him drink (which is unfortunate, b/c I'd really prefer men to get there on their own to give a woman the respect she deserves).

I called him. Now, a normal guy would return my call. But not him. He Fb messaged me, "What's up? Saw you called. What'd I miss?" <--- he's not involved anymore, not interested, not even remotely enough to call me back.

After about 90 minutes of me FB messaging with him, he finally called me back. Within a few minutes, he admitted, no, confessed, that he KNEW which elephant in the room I wanted to address; my confusion about his interest level and the status of his relationship with his ex-g/f.

The convo only took about 20 minutes to get him to clarify that while he had a great time with me, he wasn't interested in pursuing anything, b/c he wanted to see about his ex-g/f (no one knows if that's true or not, but it's rejection of my interest so that's all I needed to hear).

He told the truth, b/c I asked him to, in a nice, but direct way. It was exhausting to have to pull the truth out of him. But I put the kibosh on it 2 days after the date b/c I'm too old to be played with online or in person. I deserve the truth, so does anyone who respects herself/himself.
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Old 6th March 2019, 9:56 PM   #27
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Auggie, have you ever dated someone you weren't attracted to and had to tell him you didn't want to date him anymore? If so, what did you tell him?
Yes, I have. It's not that hard to do. But that's just me I guess.

All I tell the guys is that while I enjoyed my time with them, I don't want to date them anymore. Some took it well, some didn't. But I've always been honest. Better to be that way, no matter what.
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Old 6th March 2019, 9:59 PM   #28
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Believe me Auggie, I know how hard dating is when you are really wanting to find that special someone...

I just canít help but think, dating is going to be really hard for you if you invest this much emotional energy into each date, particularly when it doesnít work out...

Because, letís be honest here... unless you are really lucky it will not work out many times before it finally happens...
BaileyB, dating isn't difficult for me. What bothers me, is the way men use excuses to hide their true feelings from me when it's just easier to tell the truth.

This has nothing to do with me being emotionally invested too soon. It had everything to do with my gut feeling that if things did progress (which they didn't), I would most likely be a rebound, so I didn't want to get too emotionally invested, and the way he avoided just being honest with me from the get go. I don't like excuses.
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Old 6th March 2019, 10:02 PM   #29
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Try telling the truth And getting into a womanís pants at the same time
Oh, if they're young and naive enough, they'll make up excuses for you no matter how brutal you are.
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Old 7th March 2019, 12:26 AM   #30
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Energy is finite. You need to devote it carefully. Stop arguing and working yourself up over what you think things SHOULD be and start working with how things ARE in reality. That's all anyone can do.

It seems like you want one point in time where the guy will know everything up front or he shouldn't be talking to you. Why are you making yourself powerless? Like a sitting duck. Everything in life will react when reacted upon. In dating, you don't know often until you know (like others have mentioned). You need to accept this. Bitter is not a good look. Will only hurt you. I have to go back and read the last of your other thread. I personally would guess that you got the answer you got from him because for whatever reason he was feeling pressure from you. It didn't happen in a bubble. If i remember it was one date, long distance and it may have even been vague enough not to be considered an outright date and he was recently out of a relationship which you were pretty paranoid about trying to discover if you were a rebound. So now he's a bad guy for preventing the situation from being rebound??? And it's just an excuse? Your interpretation isn't accurate. I would bet your anxiety caused some of this reaction of his.

For the record, i know many couples who are together currently that started out when one or the other weren't quite over their ex or ready. Life doesn't always happen in neat, perfect little ways. You need to be open to what it brings you and be confident that you will be able to suss out what is right for you and manage it. Knee jerk reactions, black and white thinking, harsh decisions all not good. Reading your latest rant and knowing that you came out of a relationship not that long ago I would say you are also not ready to date or are carrying baggage from that relationship or your current relationship and being uncertain about your future/dating. That's what it sounds like.

Knowing you have the power to PARTICIPATE in the dating process and not just "wait" for someone to decide if they want to be with you can be empowering--if you choose to empower yourself. Speak up and state what you want just like you are expecting a guy to. Try to see if the guy is good enough for you, ready for you rather than "pick me, pick me, are you really ready?". The change in perspective should be helpful.
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