Need reassurance that my gut reaction is correct about this guy

[Auggie]

I recently met up with a guy in-person, after messaging with each other for a few months on a FB group we are both members of. We met for coffee in the afternoon. We're both in our late 40s.

 

Our coffee talk chat lasted for five hours; lots of banter, body-language cues to indicate mutual attraction. We then went our separate ways for dinner (we each had other plans) but then met up later that evening to go listen to live music at a local venue; again, lots of close contact, physical touching, eye contact, leaning in close to talk to each other.

 

He walked me to my car, we hugged, he kissed me on my cheek and then texted me to see if I got home safely. His behavior hit all the marks of a good mate.

 

And here's the big BUT: He was in a relationship with a woman for 5 years but she broke up with him (I don't know how long ago). My immediate gut reaction to this news, was, I'm his possible Rebound. And that's not a role I'm willing to play because Rebounds never turn into anything long-term that lasts. At least never for me.

 

I guess I need reassurance from others, who've been in my shoes, to tell me that I made the right decision to put the kibosh on this budding attraction with phenomenal chemistry. If I were to let it continue, the script would be this: he would send me mixed messages with his online communication and I would come across as needy trying to get him to fit into my expectations (which are never good to have for anyone you date, b/c expectations are really "rules" or "conditions" for the other person you have, that no one can ever really meet.

 

I know in my heart, that despite how fabulous this guy appears to be, he's just not that into me, if he is going to try to Rebound with me instead of process and really end his feelings for his ex, so that he can truly be emotionally available to another woman when the time and circumstances are in sync.

 

Have you also avoided being a rebound despite all the signals pointing to green, when the other person says they just broke up with someone? Did you also walk away? Or if not, what did you do?

Edited March 3, 2019 by Auggie

[Normm]

You're making a lot of assumptions.

 

 

 

How long ago was his breakup? It matters.

[Auggie]

Norm, he didn't tell me the timeline of his break-up. He did reveal to me the reasons that she broke up with him.

 

Why does the length of time after a break-up matter? What has your experience been?

[BaileyB]

I agree that you are making a lot of assumptions.

 

I would go out with him again. Learn a little more about him, like how long ago this relationship ended and why it ended. I’m not sure that everybody rebounds the same way. I would most definitely be interested in exploring this relationship - just take it one date at a time. What do you really stand to lose?

[d0nnivain]

Especially since you know nothing about how long ago his break up was or the reasons behind it, your gut reaction has nothing to do with him & everything to do with you being afraid to get hurt.

 

That guy sounds good on paper. I think you may be rushing things with a 5 hour coffee date & meeting up later that same night to listen to music. That is an awful lot for so early on.

 

Should this man ask you out, you should go. But limit yourself to 4 hours assuming it's a dinner date; shorter if another activity. Do not talk, text or e-mail daily. You need to build toward that level of contact not start there.

 

Not every 1st relationship after a break up is a rebound. For me anyway, by the time I break things off with somebody I have already done the soul searching & the healing. It's different obviously if I was the one who was dumped because you don't always see that coming.

[BaileyB]

He didn't tell me the timeline of his break-up.

 

Why does the length of time after a break-up matter?

 

Well then, you have something to talk about the next time you see him...

 

To answer your question, wouldn’t that be highly variable - depending on the individual, the past relationship, and the interest in the new person... among other things.

[Normm]

Why does the length of time after a break-up matter? What has your experience been?

 

 

Most people have the capacity to heal. It takes time.

 

 

 

A month is one thing. A year is another thing entirely.

[BaileyB]

Red flags for me would be talking a lot about the other person and a tendancy to progress the new relationship - either really quickly or really slowly.

 

Dating is a time of discovery. Ask yourself, do I like him enough to see him again... that’s all you need to commit to at first. Get to know the guy, listen carefully to what he says and watch his actions. You will have your answer soon enough.

[Auggie]

Hi Bailey, well, what assumptions am I making? I think it's safe to say that Rebounds don't normally turn into substantial long-term relationships. I have been the Rebound before with a few men I've dated, and those never lasted beyond a few months, ending once they had finished processing their feelings about their previous break-up, they ended things with me.

 

I agree with you that Rebounds depend on the person. My experience has been the Rebound role, where I fill-in a void for the man while he processes his pain from his previous break-up; my feelings and needs are never met or validated by the man because he's not emotionally available.

 

So, I think I worry what I stand to lose is my integrity and peace of mind because I want to date men who are emotionally available to me.

[Normm]

Hi Bailey, well, what assumptions am I making? I think it's safe to say that Rebounds don't normally turn into substantial long-term relationships.

 

 

Technically- according to you, anyone who has been in a prior relationship is a rebound regardless of how long ago it was.

[Auggie]

Especially since you know nothing about how long ago his break up was or the reasons behind it, your gut reaction has nothing to do with him & everything to do with you being afraid to get hurt.

 

That guy sounds good on paper. I think you may be rushing things with a 5 hour coffee date & meeting up later that same night to listen to music. That is an awful lot for so early on.

 

Should this man ask you out, you should go. But limit yourself to 4 hours assuming it's a dinner date; shorter if another activity. Do not talk, text or e-mail daily. You need to build toward that level of contact not start there.

 

Not every 1st relationship after a break up is a rebound. For me anyway, by the time I break things off with somebody I have already done the soul searching & the healing. It's different obviously if I was the one who was dumped because you don't always see that coming.

 

Hi dOnnivain, well I've never had problems with long coffee dates before not leading to something, so the fact that our coffee date lasted that long was a positive sign to me, esp. since he and I had previously chatted online for about 3 months in our mutual FB group. But I appreciate your suggestion to be cautious and take it slow.

 

I agree that it works better to build things slow. He's only in town (he lives in another state, too, which could be problematic) for this month, so I left it up to him to contact me if he wants to see me again. He said he would do that. So, I don't plan to text or message him on FB unless he initiates it. I gave him my phone # and he initiated the first text for our evening meetup which was full of flirting but platonic and very respectful. And, I took it as a good sign of his interest that he kissed me on the cheek. I think he if wanted to establish friendship boundaries with me right away, he would have said as such?

[Auggie]

Well then, you have something to talk about the next time you see him...

 

To answer your question, wouldn’t that be highly variable - depending on the individual, the past relationship, and the interest in the new person... among other things.

 

Haha! True! We could and maybe should talk about his breakup, but isn't that up to him to address without me prompting him? That is to say, if he does contact me like he said he will, to go out again. That is not set in stone by any means.

 

He used to live in my city but moved away, and he returns for a month every two months to check on his mother who lives in his childhood home.

 

I did tell him about my last relationship that was ten years ago. I joked with him that he shouldn't tease a woman who hasn't had sex in a decade, which prompted him to tease me relentlessly with innuendos that made me giggle all night.

[Auggie]

Most people have the capacity to heal. It takes time.

 

A month is one thing. A year is another thing entirely.

 

Is it though? Can you be specific?

[BaileyB]

Hi Bailey, well, what assumptions am I making? I think it's safe to say that Rebounds don't normally turn into substantial long-term relationships. I have been the Rebound before with a few men I've dated, and those never lasted beyond a few months, ending once they had finished processing their feelings about their previous break-up, they ended things with me.

 

I agree with you that Rebounds depend on the person. My experience has been the Rebound role, where I fill-in a void for the man while he processes his pain from his previous break-up; my feelings and needs are never met or validated by the man because he's not emotionally available.

 

So, I think I worry what I stand to lose is my integrity and peace of mind because I want to date men who are emotionally available to me.

 

First assumption- rebounds don’t turn into substantial long-term relationships. I disagree. I don’t think everyone has rebound relationships (are Donnivains post above) and even if it is a rebound, it can still last (my father is proof of this, after the death of my mother no less).

 

Second assumption - that this man is emotionally unavailable to you. With all due respect, you have know the man for less than 8 hours. That’s not even a single work day. You don’t know how long ago his relationship ended or very much about how it ended or how he has dealt with it. It’s a little presumptuous to assume that he is not emotionally available to you.

 

If anything, I would say that you sound like the person who is not emotionally available (respectfully). You don’t even know this man, as Donnivain said, your decision not to see him again has little to do with him and everything to do with you not wanting to waste time or be hurt. You have made a series of judgments based on little information and you are going to shut him down before he hurts you...

 

But, how do you know he is going to hurt you? Perhaps, he will be the love of your life... you will never know, if you don’t give it a chance.

 

Donnivain gives good advice! Limit the time that you spend with him, don’t invest heavily by texting or calling until things progress, and see what happens. You are dating the man, not marrying him... You are in control here, take your time, be a good judge of character but give the guy a chance...

 

Or don’t. It’s your decision. Just know, missing out on a potentially wonderful relationship will hurt as much as if you date him and it doesn’t work out.

[Minneloa]

I am confused. What is your definition of a rebound relationship?

[Auggie]

Red flags for me would be talking a lot about the other person and a tendancy to progress the new relationship - either really quickly or really slowly.

 

Dating is a time of discovery. Ask yourself, do I like him enough to see him again... that’s all you need to commit to at first. Get to know the guy, listen carefully to what he says and watch his actions. You will have your answer soon enough.

 

Bailey, well, we did talk to each other for 8 hours total throughout the day. I think when you have serious chemistry with another person, the conversation just flows naturally and you lose track of time.

 

We didn't make-out or anything either. Just a lot of physical touching, eye contact, and lots of conversation and laughter. He kissed me on the cheek and that was it.

 

I do like him enough to see him again. And, I don't have any expectations because I've learned that those just create internal chaos for me. I have standards, but I think those are different than expectations, if that makes sense?

 

I don't even know if he will follow through with his promise to contact me to go out again before he leaves town. If he doesn't follow through, I can chalk up our fun day out, as a reminder to myself that there are great guys out there, who I can be myself freely around.

[BaileyB]

We could and maybe should talk about his breakup, but isn't that up to him to address without me prompting him?

 

He used to live in my city but moved away, and he returns for a month every two months to check on his mother who lives in his childhood home.

 

I did tell him about my last relationship that was ten years ago. I joked with him that he shouldn't tease a woman who hasn't had sex in a decade, which prompted him to tease me relentlessly with innuendos that made me giggle all night.

 

Another assumption. It’s not I sually information that is shared on a first date, intimate details about a past relationship, so he is actually showing appropriate social skills. Be glad - that’s not usually the story on this site.

 

But, if you want to know more details about his past relationship - ask him!

 

Lol. I love your last paragraph. He sounds lovely. I honestly don’t know why you are putting these road blocks up other than the fact that you sound scared to be hurt.

[BaileyB]

Bailey, well, we did talk to each other for 8 hours total throughout the day. I think when you have serious chemistry with another person, the conversation just flows naturally and you lose track of time.

 

I don't even know if he will follow through with his promise to contact me to go out again before he leaves town. If he doesn't follow through, I can chalk up our fun day out, as a reminder to myself that there are great guys out there, who I can be myself freely around.

 

I agree. Still, that’s a long first date, by first date standards...

 

And, that is a good attitude to have. Still, if you want to see him again, there is nothing stopping you from contacting him... if only to tell him that you had a good time. This gives him the idea that you would be agreeable to another date. Just saying.

[BaileyB]

Besides Auggie, if he lives in another state, this isn’t going to progress quickly anyway... lots of time to really get to know this guy and get a good feel for the relationship.

[Versacehottie]

Technically- according to you, anyone who has been in a prior relationship is a rebound regardless of how long ago it was.

 

I don't think there will be a cut and dry answer to know if you will be a rebound to him. The only thing you can do is use some extra caution, take your time a bit more. I think rebounds tend to rush into relationship mode because they are looking to replace the relationship and closeness with another person, any person within reason and aren't really considering you. The length of time to get over someone would vary with tons of factors, including time itself, the circumstances etc etc.

 

The way you are approaching this thread, my fear would be for you is that you think asking him and him giving you what would appear to be a solid answer would suffice. That would be a mistake IMO. You need to SEE what his actions and the way he is over time. Make him go slower so YOU can see if he is over his feelings. Usually as you get to know someone better, what they are "thinking" becomes more transparent to you. Another mistaking with asking him about it (not that is wrong to do, but to solely depend on the answer is), is that people on the rebound often DON'T KNOW they are until they find themselves in another relationship. So whatever he answers would be likely not be accurate until he experiences getting close to you. The only real benefit to talking to him about it is to try to get the transparency part started and basically put him on notice about what your hesitation would be and what he needs to do generally to build trust with you and start a relationship with you--but it's really only one part of the equation. There is no exact formula--either in length of time together, since breakup, blah blah nor how to confirm that you are not a rebound.

[Auggie]

First assumption- rebounds don’t turn into substantial long-term relationships. I disagree. I don’t think everyone has rebound relationships (are Donnivains post above) and even if it is a rebound, it can still last (my father is proof of this, after the death of my mother no less).

 

Second assumption - that this man is emotionally unavailable to you. With all due respect, you have know the man for less than 8 hours. That’s not even a single work day. You don’t know how long ago his relationship ended or very much about how it ended or how he has dealt with it. It’s a little presumptuous to assume that he is not emotionally available to you.

 

If anything, I would say that you sound like the person who is not emotionally available (respectfully). You don’t even know this man, as Donnivain said, your decision not to see him again has little to do with him and everything to do with you not wanting to waste time or be hurt. You have made a series of judgments based on little information and you are going to shut him down before he hurts you...

 

But, how do you know he is going to hurt you? Perhaps, he will be the love of your life... you will never know, if you don’t give it a chance.

 

Donnivain gives good advice! Limit the time that you spend with him, don’t invest heavily by texting or calling until things progress, and see what happens. You are dating the man, not marrying him... You are in control here, take your time, be a good judge of character but give the guy a chance...

 

Or don’t. It’s your decision. Just know, missing out on a potentially wonderful relationship will hurt as much as if you date him and it doesn’t work out.

 

All good points BaileyB and I will think about each one.

 

Perhaps I am being too quick to judge him and the situation. He could be the love of my life OR he could just be a random experience that I can learn about myself from.

 

I guess I didn't realize that I made assumptions, because I based my past experiences being the Rebound in 3 failed relationships, as my reason to avoid becoming a 4th Rebound if this guy indeed did pursue dating me, which remains to be seen.

 

Well I can't undo the other day, and I don't regret the 5 hour coffee date and the nearly 4 hours together at the music venue. He could have kiboshed our time at any point - at the coffee shop he could have left after an hour or two, OR not invited me to go listen to music with him. So, I followed his lead if that makes sense?

 

I'd love to give him a chance. But, I also know that he is a very social guy who is FB friends and offline friends with women EVERYWHERE so I am nobody special until his actions show me that I am to him.

 

Does that make sense? Maybe he only viewed it as a fun day/night with Auggie, and nothing more.

 

You are correct. I have no idea what he thinks. I told him what I think and left the ball in his court: to contact me if he wants to see me again. If he doesn't, no love lost; just disappointment that this spark flamed out as quickly as it started. If he does contact me again, my red flag speedometer will be up, and I will just enjoy my time with him without expecting anything.

[BaileyB]

I guess I didn't realize that I made assumptions, because I based my past experiences being the Rebound in 3 failed relationships, as my reason to avoid becoming a 4th Rebound if this guy indeed did pursue dating me, which remains to be seen.

 

I'd love to give him a chance. But, I also know that he is a very social guy who is FB friends and offline friends with women EVERYWHERE so I am nobody special until his actions show me that I am to him.

 

I can most definitely understand your caution. You have been burned before, it’s only natural that you would be hesitant.

 

And, the fact that he has so many female friendships would be a bit of a caution for me... it wouldn’t cause me not to see him again, but it would caution me to take it slow.

 

Versachehottie also gives good advice. His actions will reveal him intentions. Take things slow and pay attention to his actions, and you will have your answer... good luck.

[Auggie]

Another assumption. It’s not I sually information that is shared on a first date, intimate details about a past relationship, so he is actually showing appropriate social skills. Be glad - that’s not usually the story on this site.

 

But, if you want to know more details about his past relationship - ask him!

 

Lol. I love your last paragraph. He sounds lovely. I honestly don’t know why you are putting these road blocks up other than the fact that you sound scared to be hurt.

 

Well, we're both in our late 40s, and we did talk about a lot of things as they naturally came up in conversation. I don't want to overanalyze what he and I talked about because we both knew each other online before we even met in person. So, this wasn't our first ever conversation with each other.

 

What roadblocks am I putting up? Yes, he is very lovely from what I know of him so far.

 

I agree. Still, that’s a long first date, by first date standards...

 

And, that is a good attitude to have. Still, if you want to see him again, there is nothing stopping you from contacting him... if only to tell him that you had a good time. This gives him the idea that you would be agreeable to another date. Just saying.

 

Well, over the years, I've had some great first and second dates that lasted between 4 to 12 hours that turned into short relationships, so I don't put time limits on my dates. If the chemistry is there, I will go with the flow.

 

Besides Auggie, if he lives in another state, this isn’t going to progress quickly anyway... lots of time to really get to know this guy and get a good feel for the relationship.

 

No, it won't progress quickly which would be great. Actually, the day before our coffee date, I saw a car license plate that read "Wait4It" lolz, so perhaps that was a foreshadowing of things to come for me dating-wise.

 

I would love to get to know him better in person, believe me. Our chemistry was off-the charts. We talked to each other like we'd known each other for years. That is rare. Plus, we're older, so we just let our conversation flow and ebb naturally. We had chemistry without any kissing involved, which I felt was a good sign.

 

I don't think there will be a cut and dry answer to know if you will be a rebound to him. The only thing you can do is use some extra caution, take your time a bit more.

 

I think rebounds tend to rush into relationship mode because they are looking to replace the relationship and closeness with another person, any person within reason and aren't really considering you. The length of time to get over someone would vary with tons of factors, including time itself, the circumstances etc etc.

 

The way you are approaching this thread, my fear would be for you is that you think asking him and him giving you what would appear to be a solid answer would suffice.

 

That would be a mistake IMO. You need to SEE what his actions and the way he is over time. Make him go slower so YOU can see if he is over his feelings. Usually as you get to know someone better, what they are "thinking" becomes more transparent to you.

 

Another mistaking with asking him about it (not that is wrong to do, but to solely depend on the answer is), is that people on the rebound often DON'T KNOW they are until they find themselves in another relationship.

 

So whatever he answers would be likely not be accurate until he experiences getting close to you. The only real benefit to talking to him about it is to try to get the transparency part started and basically put him on notice about what your hesitation would be and what he needs to do generally to build trust with you and start a relationship with you--but it's really only one part of the equation.

 

There is no exact formula--either in length of time together, since breakup, blah blah nor how to confirm that you are not a rebound.

 

Lots to consider here with your great post Versacehottie. I certainly don't want to put him on notice about my hesitation to move forward unless I know if he's over his ex or not. I agree with you that would be a terrible mistake. I don't want to confront him about his ex.

 

I agree with you that I need to pay attention to his pattern of behavior, vs. just pay attention to his words or actions.

 

I still don't regret the time we spent on our first date. He hasn't contacted me at all today, and I am choosing not to read into that as a bad sign. We aren't "officially dating." We just met for coffee, then went to listen to music together and had amazing chemistry. But there were no promises made by either he or myself about where this is going to go. All I texted to him was, "I'd like to see you again while you are in town," to which he replied, "Sounds like a plan."

[Auggie]

I am confused. What is your definition of a rebound relationship?

 

Wikipedia sums up my thoughts well, on what a Rebound relationship is:

 

"Rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner's emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful break up."

 

I've had 3 of those. They each started shortly after myself or the man I was dating before either of us fully processed our grief and feelings about our previous relationships. We essentially used each other to achieve the "closure" we needed over a previous relationship.

 

They ended because I was compared to their previous exes, or I compared them to a previous ex.

[Minneloa]

Ok, so you don't currently have evidence that this is the case with the new guy, right? The breakup could have been a year ago, and he could be fully healed. As other posters have said, I encourage you to gather more information before you jump to a premature conclusion based on fears/past situations. Give this guy a chance! : )