Iamthenew50 Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Hi lovely folks. I'm at a loss regarding this problem as I have never had kids. I am new to this forum and though I'd give this a go as I've been on Redit and it's sometimes pretty rough there. Any suggestions would be very welcomed. We are in our 50's and my BF has a daughter that has had "emotional" issues over the years. At the beginning of our relationship (3 years) all was good. His daughter seemed normal and we did things together like dinners and shows on a regular basis. As time went on she started quitting jobs left and right and relied on her dad to help her with rent and such and he did. Past year she has quit more jobs over the past 6 months and refuses to get full time work due to her "illness". She decided to adopt the NON BINARY life style and since doing so she has been worse. She says she is depressed and is seeking counseling and was told us that her counceler told her that she should spend more time with her dad if it makes her feel better. She was also put on Lithium for her mood swings (that he pays for also) .SO we started hanging out more. November comes and she quits her part time job and complains to her dad that she needs a lap top to find a job instead of going to the library every day. She also likes to do photography of abandoned houses as a hobby and needs something to put the pictures on other than her phone. He gets frustrated and reminds her that she needs a FULL TIME JOB to pay her rent and her bills . She doesn't like to be reminded of this and gets very angry with him when he tells her this. She posts an angry vent on Instagram THANKING HER FAMILY FOR MAKING HER FEEL LIKE **** ON THANKSGIVING AND THAT HARD WORK IS NOT THE ANSWER WHEN YOU HAVE A DEBILITATING ILLNESS THAT SHE HAS. So fast forward to Christmas and he gives her a lap top so hopefully this will help her in her job search and her hobby. Since christmas NOT ONE WORD from her. She refuses to respond to any of his texts asking her if she is ok. I am LIVID. If you ask me personally she has some attachment to daddy issues. I have seen some of the posts she makes that he has not seen and it makes me angry that she makes him out to be such an ******* when he is not. Now recently I am noticing that he isn't affectionate with me at all- and we are starting to disconnect on levels that worry me. I get bird pecks for kisses and a pat on the leg if I am lucky. NO effort with intimacy at all on his part. SO last night I had to mention that I am noticing a shift in our relationship that is making me sad. After a log pause- he told me his concern about his daughter. My only advise I could give him was to stop texting and if he really wants to know whats going on then to go to her apt (15 minutes away) and knock on her door and have a sit down with her. Or call her on the phone. I wanted to tell him to STOP paying her bills for her and let her get her **** together- but I bit my lip and decided to stop myself. Not sure what to do at this point. I miss us and the affection terribly. I will never stand inbetween him and his daughter but I feel that I need to mention my needs also and see where the chips fall. Sigh Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 I will never stand inbetween him and his daughter but I feel that I need to mention my needs also and see where the chips fall. You imply some things but more context would be helpful. How could you be construed as standing between the two of them? She doesn't live with him, sounds like you don't begrudge their time together, so how are you an obstacle to their relationship? What is her "illness"? Has she ever received a specific diagnosis? Why are you paying attention to the nonsense she posts online? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Okay well first of all I don't think anyone is given lithium just to help "mood swings". It's usually used to treat bipolar disorder which means she has an actual mental illness. Seems like you were trying to downplay that fact by the way you worded your post. His daughter also has entirely different perspective than you and she has a lifetime of history with her dad that you know nothing about. He may be wonderful now but there was maybe a time before you when he wasn't a great father and his daughter is still affected by that. Or maybe it's just her mental illness talking but if that's the case then you have to remember that nobody chooses to be mentally ill. This a complicated situation with a long history, but we are only hearing your perspective so I can't really comment on his daughter. I would recommend that you stay out the problems pertaining to his daughter but you definitely have a right to discuss your needs in the relationship. I don't think it's okay for your bf to be cold and withdrawn with you and you shouldn't feel like you have to accept that. If you have told your bf that you miss the intimacy and feel neglected and he still chooses not to address that then l guess you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iamthenew50 Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 Thank you. She says she has been diagnosed with Bi Polar and has been prescribed Lithium for her mood swings and mania. Of course since she is an adult her dad can get no information on this other than the bills for her lab work and prescriptions as she has no health insurance. Regarding her posts. Well she makes it public and we follow each other so she can see what I post (nature photography) and I look at her photography which sometimes is mixed with random angry vents. Since she claims she is BI polar her dad and I keep an eye on her posts for any signs of other things like suicide and self harm. And it its ashame she never gives him thanks for all that he has done for her- only posts about how crappy he makes her feel. Total BS for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iamthenew50 Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 Thank you! Staying out of it is hard when he asks me what he should do. I did make a suggestion that he go and talk to her physically and thats all I will suggest. But I agree he shouldn't leave me out in the rain in the mean time. I will give it some time to see if anything changes between us since mentioning it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iamthenew50 Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 I was not sure where to post this- So I am trying here as well as parenting. We are in our 50's and have been living together or 3 years. He has a daughter 25 and son 18. Son is self sufficient in college doing wonderfully and his daughter is a mess. She refuses to get full time work and lands part time jobs that she quits on a regular basis. Apparently she has had emotional issues for quite some time and has been on various meds which she stops taking. Recently she said she has been diagnosed with Bi POlar and is on Lithium. He father bends over backwards for her when she gets around to talking to him (she only calls when she is needing money). She claims that she needed a lap top to help her find a job and to help with her photo hobby. So he gets her a lapp top for christmas. That was the last he heard from her. She refuses to responds to his texts and messages. He still pays for some of her utilities and sends her money as well. No response. She does talk to her mother and any info about her is relayed to him from his x wife. She also has sent her money to help with things. She is about to be evicted AGAIN. So the past couple weeks he has been distant towards me and not affectionat at all. It's like I am not even here. He submerses himself in his computer or video games and then its off to bed. He wont even touch me and I am lucky if I get a peck on the lips. Last night I had enough and mentioned that I don't like the direction things are sliding with us. We are no longer intimate. He paused- and then confessed that he is worried about his daughter. He has done everything he could for her and he doesn't know what else to do. I say he should STOP giving her money and paying bills for her. But I am keeping quiet. My only advise was that he should go over and visit her in person and find out what the hell is wrong. Thats all I could say on the matter. Meanwhile I am left frustrated and a bit lonely as he is not here with me. Am I wrong for thinking about my needs? She is an adult and should be taking care of her own stuff. thoughts appreciated. thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Do you have children? Are you sure there's nothing else going on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iamthenew50 Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 In regards to? Like what? Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 In regards to? Like what? Could he be seeing somebody else? He might have an affair, or some other secret he doesn’t want you to find out, hence he withdraws, and when asked, blames it on something else to get you off his back. I mean, the daughter issues didn’t just start recently, or? You’ve been with him a while, and the daughter has always had issues. So why the behavior change now? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Blood is thicker then water & she is ill. She will always come 1st. It's a shame that he's so worried about her that he's letting other aspects of his life lapse. You are not wrong for focusing on your needs but he may not be able to 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iamthenew50 Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 This is the first time she has refused to talk to him. She has always had issues but she has always been communicative even though it's to ask for money. Her dead silence is worrrysome. To him. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Can you talk to her? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 This is the first time she has refused to talk to him. She has always had issues but she has always been communicative even though it's to ask for money. Her dead silence is worrrysome. To him. I'd be beside myself too if my daughter did this. Is he sure she's ok? As in, alive? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Same - I’d also be worried if she stopped responding and went MIA - that’s what people who are going through suicide ideation do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 I agree with another poster who pointed out your dismissive attitude about the daughter's mental health issues. Her mental illness does not appear to be handled well - it's a serious diagnosis and lithium requires a lot of monitoring. With that diagnosis, his daughter might be eligible for disability and medicaid insurance. This would give her more autonomy and the proper support to manage her illness. I also suggest that when this gets sorted out- and I cannot emphasize how important that is- that there should be family therapy sessions that focus on how everyone can work together to support her moving forward. I realize you feel your needs are not being met, but with what is going on, if her illness is not properly addressed, things will only get worse. Perhaps, you can do some inquiring about what her eligibility is for disability and insurance. You might also want to read up on what Bipolar is. I wish you well Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Same - I’d also be worried if she stopped responding and went MIA - that’s what people who are going through suicide ideation do. yes. and with another eviction pending, I could only imagine what she's going through. I also suggest she be taken to her psych to make sure her meds are working right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iamthenew50 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 Yes she talks to her mom and is active on social media. In fact his x wife just let him know that she was going to be evicted just a couple days ago.. She talks to her mom but not dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iamthenew50 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 Can you talk to her? She is not my daughter- and I don't want to take liberties that I have no place taking. She talks to her mother on a regular basis. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iamthenew50 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 yes. and with another eviction pending, I could only imagine what she's going through. I also suggest she be taken to her psych to make sure her meds are working right. Since she is an adult there is nothing he can make her do- we have tried to get her into family counceling and group counceling also and her reply to those were 'i dont need this" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iamthenew50 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 I agree with another poster who pointed out your dismissive attitude about the daughter's mental health issues. Her mental illness does not appear to be handled well - it's a serious diagnosis and lithium requires a lot of monitoring. With that diagnosis, his daughter might be eligible for disability and medicaid insurance. This would give her more autonomy and the proper support to manage her illness. I also suggest that when this gets sorted out- and I cannot emphasize how important that is- that there should be family therapy sessions that focus on how everyone can work together to support her moving forward. I realize you feel your needs are not being met, but with what is going on, if her illness is not properly addressed, things will only get worse. Perhaps, you can do some inquiring about what her eligibility is for disability and insurance. You might also want to read up on what Bipolar is. I wish you well He has attempted to help her apply for disability and medicaid as she she will no longer be on his health insurance after this birthday. He has attempted to help her with her finances and go to counceling WITH her and she refuses. The only way she will let him help if she needs money. He also went over and helped her do her dishes because she claimed she couldn't do that. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Sorry to be blunt but how can you keep only thinking about yourself when this human being, your partner’s daughter, is doing so bad? You sound more worried about him “giving her money” than her well being. I’m not surprised he’s distancing himself from you. If we can feel it from here, imagine him. In fact if I were him I wouldn’t stay with someone who seems so dismissive about his family. Sure, you are not her mother. But can you be a little more compassionate and find a way to help? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 People who never had kids shouldn't date people who have....They never seem to "get it"....Its no knock on those who haven't, but this shyt pops up inevitably with all of these pairings....And it seems particularly worse when women who never had kids get with guys that have daughters...Its as if they see the daughter as the ex gf, a rival woman, or something like that...Tons of jealousy if the guy is close to the daughter... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 People who never had kids shouldn't date people who have....They never seem to "get it".... TFY True, TFY! It’s a balance act for sure. I speak from experience, and I’ve learned to stay out of it, if I have nothing positive to contribute. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iamthenew50 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 Sorry to be blunt but how can you keep only thinking about yourself when this human being, your partner’s daughter, is doing so bad? You sound more worried about him “giving her money” than her well being. I’m not surprised he’s distancing himself from you. If we can feel it from here, imagine him. In fact if I were him I wouldn’t stay with someone who seems so dismissive about his family. Sure, you are not her mother. But can you be a little more compassionate and find a way to help? I have researched group counceling for him and actually advised that we go to counciling together (the three of us) and she refused- She's ok to talk with her mom (who doesn't agree with her NON BINARY status) than her dad who has been with her through her changes and has made him self available. She wants NO Help from him other than money. SO that tells me something. He has talked to her landlord in the past to keep her from getting evicted and not even as much as a THANK you from her. She takes takes takes from him and then ignores his requests for contact. This last stint he is fed up with bailing her out as she wont even acknowlege the money he has sent her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iamthenew50 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 People who never had kids shouldn't date people who have....They never seem to "get it"....Its no knock on those who haven't, but this shyt pops up inevitably with all of these pairings....And it seems particularly worse when women who never had kids get with guys that have daughters...Its as if they see the daughter as the ex gf, a rival woman, or something like that...Tons of jealousy if the guy is close to the daughter... TFY I am not jealous of their relationship what so ever in fact if you read my full post you will see that we all went out and did many things together. It was me always invited her over for dinners. They are wonderfully close and I appreciate that as he is a wonderful dad to her. But the way she has treated him over the past year is not acceptable. And he is bothered by it and hurt which in turn affects OUR relationship. IN fact I was the one to suggest that he GO AND PHYSICALLY TALK TO HER .. without me . Link to post Share on other sites
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