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Mysterio 11th July 2017 3:49 AM

Keeping your EX's Last Name
I wonder what you all think of this. My buddy D is living with his GF who still keeps her ex's last name, and has not finished divorcing him and she has two bio kids with D. Boy almost 2. Girl 6 months. She also has two kids with her ex.

When conversation comes up about the divorce. D has no idea where her and the ex stand. It looks to me like the ex is holding things up, even though he has a GF now. D and his gf F have been together since Feb of 2013. So 4 yrs now.

Do you think she is playing him and why keep the last name albeit hiphenated with her own family name. She even has her ex's name on her facebook page.

What a mess. Sometimes I say thank god I am single.

Bastile 11th July 2017 4:55 AM

I think it's actually good that a woman keep the last name if divorced, because it keeps the family name along with the children. That's what my mother chose to do, and it's a good thing.

Problem here is that she's now had two other kids with your friend, and still kept that "hyphenated name". Yeah, it's a mess.

But hey, your mate chose that for himself. It's his life.

mikeylo 11th July 2017 5:15 AM

Its a personal choice. Some keep it to carry on the name with kids while some do it to rub it in the face of ex and their new partner.

Mysterio 11th July 2017 5:16 AM

My friend is conflict avoidant. I wonder how they are going to break it to D's Bio kids when they get older. Sorry mom and dad are not married, because they can't get mom's ex husband on the same page when it comes to the paper work getting divorced.

So whenever the ex decides to play ball and get the paperwork all figured out on his timeline. They are on year 7 f being separated. She went pretty fast with D. Contacted him in Dec of 2012. I guess they became a couple in Feb 2013 and he met her older kids by her ex in March 2013 and I just found out I met them the same time he met them.

They got pregnant in late 2014 and had bio kids in Aug 2015 and Feb 2017. He moved in with her in spring 2015.

I guess it does not matter to me, but wow. Some women have that power over their men. I guess I am different. No way would that happen to me.

My time line is being a couple for 2 yrs before marriage. Only woman I would date is Single/Widowed/Divorced. Separated I may give her a year to get divorced and I better see some traction with it. No bio kids at all with any of them until marriage.

reboot 11th July 2017 5:34 AM

Most women keep their married last name, that's not unusual.

d0nnivain 11th July 2017 5:38 AM

Who's complaining about this -- D or you?

Because she has kids who share her last name, I see no problem with her keeping their name.

IMO both she & your buddy have questionable judgment having kids together before she's even divorced. These two have much bigger problems then a last name.

That said, it's none of your business.

Mysterio 11th July 2017 5:44 AM

I don't think the big kids care if their mom has their bio dads name. Their mom already got a BF with D and moved him into their house and had two bio kids with D. I even doubt they were really consulted about it.

I just think there is going to be problems if D's GF F does not get divorced soon. More with how is it going to look to the kids, and its very confusing. D would like to marry her. He says he can't do anything until she gets divorced.

I see it as being dis-resepctful to D. It shows that she is not doing anything major to get divorced from her ex on her side. I still don't understand why F's ex wants to stay legally married to her. It can't just be about money. They both have their own places. I feel like F is the one who wanted out and F's ex was more shocked by it and he has been stonewalling since. Now that he has a GF. Why not get everything all straightend out.

I still think there is something fishy about he still having her ex's last name attached to her, while having two bio kids with D and the Divorce not having any traction.

somanymistakes 11th July 2017 6:53 AM

In my experience almost everyone keeps the last name if there's a kid involved, at least until they get remarried. I mean I literally can't think of anyone, ever, who would intentionally change their name to be different from their kids' names without a reason, but I'm leaving it as "almost everyone" because I'm sure someone somewhere must do it.

If there were no kids, some switch back to show that they're free and make the clean break, and others just can't be bothered with all the paperwork.

But if they're not even divorced yet why are you even looking at the last name? The last name is not the issue, the divorce is.

CautiouslyOptimistic 11th July 2017 7:02 AM

I still have my ex's last name. Why should he be the only one who gets to have the same last name as the kids?

I would change it if I ever got married again.

stillafool 11th July 2017 7:26 AM

It's perfectly normal to keep your ex's last name especially if you have children together. Doesn't everyone do this?

reboot 11th July 2017 7:28 AM


Originally Posted by Mysterio (Post 7362111)
I see it as being dis-resepctful to D.

How does D feel about it? Frankly, how you see it doesn't really matter.

SaveYourHeart 11th July 2017 10:02 AM

A) Divorces are a pain, if the end of the marriage was amicable, it's not uncommon to drag out the divorce because filing fees are an unnecessary expense, and so are the "parenting classes" that they both (usually) have to take prior to the divorce being finalized.

B) Changing your name is a pain. You had to change it once when you got married, then when you get divorced you get to choose whether to change it or not. You could change it back to your maiden name, then have to change it again if you get married again. It's easier to just sit with the name (especially if it's hyphenated) and change it once you remarry. It's not disrespectful unless your friend is asking her to take his last name and she wants to keep the ex's. That would be a little strange, but still it is her choice what her name will be. Not yours and not D's.

C) The ex can't stop her from divorcing him. If he's "holding it up" and it bothers D so much, then they need to hire attorneys and start scheduling hearings. Regardless, is it that big of a deal in the scheme of things? Is he planning on proposing tomorrow? Weddings take a long time to plan so I'm not understanding the rush.

Michelle ma Belle 11th July 2017 10:58 AM

Yep. I kept my ex hubby's name (albeit hyphenated) until we officially divorced which took several years as we weren't in a rush despite coming to terms that we'd never reconcile. I kept it for the sake of my children at the time. They had enough to deal with and I didn't need to add to their plates until it was necessary.

When it was time to divorce, I was happy to get rid of the name along with the marriage.

Penguin_hugs 11th July 2017 12:01 PM

My mum kept my dad's name when they divorced so she could still have the same surname as me which I really appreciate. She still used the Mrs title too. If she remarries with her current partner I think she will change her surname- but she at least kept it while I was growing up.

My step mother still goes as Mrs K*** which was her first husband's surname but that matches her children. My dad is her 3rd husband- but she never changes her surname.

Rockdad 11th July 2017 1:05 PM

I wished 1000 times I would have negotiated my ex changing and removing my name at the divorce table. One for business, she used my name for her personal gain as local business's didn't realize she didn't have authority to my accounts.
And two I despise worthless parents and she does qualify for that. I want zero association with that person in anyway.

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