Fixing anything and everything

[itstoni]

Not sure If this belongs here, but It's related to dating.

This is all from MY experience and what I've observed.

 

I would like to hear experiences and an explanation that makes sense.

 

One thing I have noticed in the dating life is that women are always trying to "fix" things. Whenever a women gets with a guy, I notice that slowly she tries to "fix" him - trying to fix his behavior, his attitude, his view on love and relationships etc.

 

Even here on the forums. Most threads I see women, about how their relationship went south, or that they're getting abused , or even that they got cheated on. Somewhere in the thread I see the OP asking..."How can I fix this?" "Is it fixable?" "What can I do?" "Is there any chance saving..."

 

To be honest, this is one of the many reasons why I love women. The fact that they unconditionally try to do anything to restore balance in their relationship once again.

 

Whenever they achieve their goal in "fixing" the poor fella, the end result tends to be the same. The women leaves. As if they look at the guy and see that they "did their job" and now he is of no use and move on to the next guy that needs fixing.

 

My question is, why? Why go through all the trouble to "fix" a guy only to get bored and realize the fact that they walked all over him, changed him into her liking and then leave him. Not only that, but they do it all over again with the next person. Why have an urge to fix the guy to begin with?

Why try to fix a relationship that complete toxic when you know that it wont be any different the second time around. Why fix a relation with someone who cheated on you 3 times? Does a women not sit and realize that there are so many men out their that could easily replace him vice versa.

 

No troll, just have a curiosity that needs filling.

[TaraMaiden2]

One: Women are not exclusive in this 'desire', so attributing this quality to just one gender, is inaccurate.

 

Two: could you please reference any threads where women decide to fix a guy, then leave him?

 

Can't remember that ever happening to be honest.

It would be nice to have specifics, because whenever anyone generalises like this, they are unable to back it up.

 

So, if you wouldn't mind....?

 

Thanks.

[preraph]

I think your perception is just different than their perception (the women who keep trying). Women get involved emotionally and don't want to hurt the person or just leave them without trying to fix the relationship (sometimes). They'll keep trying even when it's hopeless, when the person has had the issue since childhood and it's hard-wired. It's a lack of knowledge sometimes, or misinformation, that makes them think if they love someone enough, this will turn the man around. That's only in fairytales. In psychology, it rarely ever works. A man will make some life adjustments for a woman if he wants the relationship worse than she does, but if she is the more needy one and the man has issues, there's little incentive for him to change.

 

Women should quit a lot sooner than they do, in my opinion, even with children involved. But the truth is once children are involved, that person is a permanent fixture anyway. But if one of the partners is really toxic, it's the best role-modeling not to stay and suffer through it but to show the kids you pack up and leave and self-preserve. In my opinion.

[mikeylo]

Trying to fix a person and trying to fix a relationship issue, are two different things. Sometimes one does lead to another. It's not gender based. Men also try to fix women but in a different way.

[preraph]

^ That's true. And nobody likes to be fixed. It works all kinds of ways. Like one friend of mine can usually fix something or get her man to do something, but it takes forever and patience for him to finally dawn that she's right. Then one friend was told by a marriage counselor not to nag the husband to clean up but to just tell him one time and then let it go and that he'd do it on his own time. Well, I can see how that might work with some -- but not if they already know they can just get away with not doing it. So in cases like that, they're too stubborn to change for their present wife but might change their behavior for the next relationship to keep that woman from nagging them.

 

To me, that all sounds like way too much work, which is why I'm single.

[itstoni]

One: Women are not exclusive in this 'desire', so attributing this quality to just one gender, is inaccurate.

 

Two: could you please reference any threads where women decide to fix a guy, then leave him?

 

Can't remember that ever happening to be honest.

It would be nice to have specifics, because whenever anyone generalises like this, they are unable to back it up.

 

So, if you wouldn't mind....?

 

Thanks.

 

I don't mind, but I'm looking more to discuss than dig through threads to prove to someone.

I saw this thread on the way here though. More than enough.

 

I think your perception is just different than their perception (the women who keep trying). Women get involved emotionally and don't want to hurt the person or just leave them without trying to fix the relationship (sometimes). They'll keep trying even when it's hopeless, when the person has had the issue since childhood and it's hard-wired. It's a lack of knowledge sometimes, or misinformation, that makes them think if they love someone enough, this will turn the man around. That's only in fairytales. In psychology, it rarely ever works. A man will make some life adjustments for a woman if he wants the relationship worse than she does, but if she is the more needy one and the man has issues, there's little incentive for him to change.

 

Women should quit a lot sooner than they do, in my opinion, even with children involved. But the truth is once children are involved, that person is a permanent fixture anyway. But if one of the partners is really toxic, it's the best role-modeling not to stay and suffer through it but to show the kids you pack up and leave and self-preserve. In my opinion.

 

I agree, they should quit sooner but It wont happen. It's just hard to wrap my head around.

 

Trying to fix a person and trying to fix a relationship issue, are two different things. Sometimes one does lead to another. It's not gender based. Men also try to fix women but in a different way.

 

I agree, they're different, but alike. They're still trying to be bob the builder.

 

How do women try to fix men and how do men try to fix women? IYO.

[Jc396]

I'll give my perspective on this since I was in a relationship for five years.

 

We were high school sweethearts and continued to be together throughout college. We went from being two kids to two adults trying to figure out our lives together. I had my problems of course but as for him he was insecure with himself, he lacked self confidence, wasn't the most organized person, wasn't able to prioritize well, and was essentially a slacker. I loved him anyways cause he treated me well (at least at first) and I understood that I didn't have my life together either, who does in their early adults years?

 

Well he cheated on me in the middle of the relationship. I was about to leave and he begged me to forgive him. I pretty much told him that things have to change all over if I stay. meaning not only does he have be faithful to me, he needed to grow up. We were together 3 years and were adults yet at the point the relationship didn't feel anymore mature than it did in highschool. Something needed to change we both needed to grow up. He did just that, he changed, joined the military, dropped weight, gained confidence, got his life together. All while me being by his side helping in anyway I could.

 

What did he do next? He left me cause I was no longer on his level. I guess if this is what you mean by fixing than it ultimately became my downfall and a great man was created for another woman. A woman who doesn't have to put up with the immaturity that I had to put up with. Any input i gave him was to benefit the relationship. I didn't want to give up on him and throw away all we had cause I truly did love him but no way would it have worked as long as it did going the way we were heading when he cheated. Any fixing I did was to see someone I love grow up to be a better person, not as a project to walk away from when it's complete.

[itstoni]

I'll give my perspective on this since I was in a relationship for five years.

 

We were high school sweethearts and continued to be together throughout college. We went from being two kids to two adults trying to figure out our lives together. I had my problems of course but as for him he was insecure with himself, he lacked self confidence, wasn't the most organized person, wasn't able to prioritize well, and was essentially a slacker. I loved him anyways cause he treated me well (at least at first) and I understood that I didn't have my life together either, who does in their early adults years?

 

Well he cheated on me in the middle of the relationship. I was about to leave and he begged me to forgive him. I pretty much told him that things have to change all over if I stay. meaning not only does he have be faithful to me, he needed to grow up. We were together 3 years and were adults yet at the point the relationship didn't feel anymore mature than it did in highschool. Something needed to change we both needed to grow up. He did just that, he changed, joined the military, dropped weight, gained confidence, got his life together. All while me being by his side helping in anyway I could.

 

What did he do next? He left me cause I was no longer on his level. I guess if this is what you mean by fixing than it ultimately became my downfall and a great man was created for another woman. A woman who doesn't have to put up with the immaturity that I had to put up with. Any input i gave him was to benefit the relationship. I didn't want to give up on him and throw away all we had cause I truly did love him but no way would it have worked as long as it did going the way we were heading when he cheated. Any fixing I did was to see someone I love grow up to be a better person, not as a project to walk away from when it's complete.

 

Sorry to hear that he did that. People just don't see how great they have it.

 

I can see that your intentions were pure, and for someone you truly cared about.

 

You agree that women tend to want to fix whatever they can in a relationship? Do you believe that if you would of stop trying to fix him you would of been in a better situation that you are now? Did you not have a feeling(after he cheated) that the relationship wouldn't be the same,yet conditioned to stay and fix anyway?

 

Are you saying the reason why women want/like to fix men is because of love? Because they want to see the person they're with at their best? For them and for you?

 

If so why do women(and even men) leave after the fixing is done? For something better? Because they got most of what they could get out of you?

[TaraMaiden2]

Sorry to hear that he did that. People just don't see how great they have it.

 

I can see that your intentions were pure, and for someone you truly cared about.

 

You agree that women tend to want to fix whatever they can in a relationship? Do you believe that if you would of stop trying to fix him you would of been in a better situation that you are now? Did you not have a feeling(after he cheated) that the relationship wouldn't be the same,yet conditioned to stay and fix anyway?

 

Are you saying the reason why women want/like to fix men is because of love? Because they want to see the person they're with at their best? For them and for you?

 

If so why do women(and even men) leave after the fixing is done? For something better? Because they got most of what they could get out of you?

 

Wow....That's a lot of heavy questioning.

What's your situation?

Did you try to be a fixer and have it thrown in your face?

 

Care to share....?

[TaraMaiden2]

Not sure If this belongs here, but It's related to dating.

This is all from MY experience and what I've observed.

 

I would like to hear experiences and an explanation that makes sense.

 

One thing I have noticed in the dating life is that women are always trying to "fix" things. Whenever a women gets with a guy, I notice that slowly she tries to "fix" him - trying to fix his behavior, his attitude, his view on love and relationships etc.

 

Even here on the forums. Most threads I see women, about how their relationship went south, or that they're getting abused , or even that they got cheated on. Somewhere in the thread I see the OP asking..."How can I fix this?" "Is it fixable?" "What can I do?" "Is there any chance saving..."

 

To be honest, this is one of the many reasons why I love women. The fact that they unconditionally try to do anything to restore balance in their relationship once again.

 

Whenever they achieve their goal in "fixing" the poor fella, the end result tends to be the same. The women leaves. As if they look at the guy and see that they "did their job" and now he is of no use and move on to the next guy that needs fixing.

 

My question is, why? Why go through all the trouble to "fix" a guy only to get bored and realize the fact that they walked all over him, changed him into her liking and then leave him. Not only that, but they do it all over again with the next person. Why have an urge to fix the guy to begin with?

Why try to fix a relationship that complete toxic when you know that it wont be any different the second time around. Why fix a relation with someone who cheated on you 3 times? Does a women not sit and realize that there are so many men out their that could easily replace him vice versa.

 

No troll, just have a curiosity that needs filling.

 

Well, I got something for ya!

[Miss Peach]

I find both genders are actually guilty of this but they tend to do it in different ways. IMO it doesn't work. You have to be willing to accept someone as they are or it's not going to work.

 

I've had all my LT relationships prior to my current try to 'fix' me. One wanted me to be more outdoorsy and eat like him. The second one wanted to completely control me down to what I wore and who I talked to. The third want to change my body and offered to pay for plastic surgery yet he was out of shape and pudgy.

 

I remember getting into this conversation with some coworkers a few years ago. IME there are things that are fixable through communication and compromised such as leaving sox on the floor or splitting up household tasks. Then there are things which are fundamental to a person that will never change. If it's the latter and it's a deal breaker IMO it's best not to try to fix it.

[Gloria25]

I also believe that it's not gender specific....

 

People who seek out "fixer uppers", IMO, do it for several reasons.

 

One is they want someone who is "dependent" on them...in other words, if the person is inferior to them, more than likely the person ain't gonna leave them.

 

Another reason is an arrogance and/or superiority over the inferior person.

 

That's why when the fixer-uper actually gets "fixed" they get broken up with....cuz the RL wasn't about the fixer-uper, it was about controlling, fixing an object and/or getting a dependent and/or inferior person in hopes they never leave.

 

Now yes, I agree that women sorta try to "fix" guys. They turn into a naggy mommy at times. I believe that naturally this is ok cuz men are wild, getting "domesticated" by a woman is what sorta slows them down. And yes, a woman sorta is there to make her man a better person and to nurture him. Men get that from their mothers, then wifey takes over. The other day when I saw my neighbor with dandruff I had to ask myself where is his wife in all of this? I would not allow my husband to walk around all raggedy.

 

Like the OP says, I applaud women who can influence their men to be a better person....and, I can't stand "fixers" (male or female) cuz dating is to find a match, not to mold someone into what you want them to be and/or seek out someone you can nag and harass just so you can have someone dependent on you that you can insult and/or put down to feel better about your pathetic self.

 

But yes, some women (even men) pick a person and want to "mold" them into what they wanna date...I don't see that at pulling a "fixer-uper". I see that as people's ignorance on how dating works.