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Unsure relationship? Doubting myself, getting over him... ?

Luxanna

By Luxanna
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Luxanna Member

Luxanna

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Basically having trouble getting over a guy (i'm female 18, he's 25) and have a stupid hope of things magically being better, I told him to stop talking to me because our relationship was too unsure, he always said he was too busy for me while saying he wanted to be with me and I just felt like I had no idea where I stood. So I just told him to stop, but now I am finding myself in tears almost constantly so if you're up for a read (I need to vent) and giving some advice or reassurance I'd appreciate it.

 

I start going to this gym at least once a week and there's this guy who works there, he's nice and helps me with exercises, etc. I think he's kinda cute and nice but doubt there's any chance anything would happen between us. Maybe 4 months later we start talking on social media. Just casual talk about work or hobbies, nothing out of the ordinary. I find out he's single (but his ex of maybe 3 years works at the gym too) he says they're still good friends though and have known each other since high school. A bit suspicious of them being close considering my last boyfriend was cheating on me with his ex who he was still "friends" with...

 

Anyways, 6 months after first meeting this guy, we soon start flirting, slightly. Also we now message every day, night, always. I can tell there's something there, but I still am a little oblivious; "he's just nice and he could never like me" sort of stuff. I invite him to this event one day (I invited other friends but he was the only one who ended up coming). So it was just the two of us, we got breakfast before the event and it was really nice and he kept saying he'll take me places or show me things and he paid for my meal. Work kept calling him though (he had lied to them in order to come spend time with me) but in the end he had to go. When I went to the gym again I realised I had to act like that breakfast thing never happened though, which was when the secret started. That night he started saying he wanted to take me out on a real date and flirting began (nothing sexual or creepy).

 

He began to walk me to the train station after work and I'd stay till closing to train instead of during the day just to spend time with him. Then he goes "I'll take you on an adventure". We snuck into the airport and laid on the runway and watched planes fly over us. For me this was amazing, I've never sneaked in somewhere illegal, and the whole planes thing is like movie type stuff. So I'm really happy. We grab some food on the way to the station, I miss a few trains, and we just talk for ages. When I get home he says "I wanted to kiss you when you left but I guess trains are faster than me". The next day he kisses me on the cheek and then messages "I wanted to give you a proper kiss but I wasn't sure what you wanted". And then the next day at the gym it's like we're both just waiting for that kiss. But we're a secret. He sneaks one in at the end of the night. And then a few days later we're the only two people at the gym for maybe 10 minutes, so we're just making out and it's amazing.

 

But we're a secret. And he reassures me. I ask what we are and he says what ever I want but I don't respond properly cause he doesn't either. Everyone still thinks he's with his ex... But he tells me they're not, and many other signs say they're not, like how they stopped living together and they don't seem close at work. But she'll drive him home or to work at times or they'll go out with the friends they have in common together... But the fact that he's telling me "I wish I could pick you up an kiss you and not care who sees" then telling me "we don't want to tell people about the break up yet" is hard...

 

So we're still trying to go on a 'real' date. But it seems something is always in the way. "I'm too busy", "I have to cover this shift", "I'm too tired from work". The only times I get to hang out with him seem to be after work at like 10pm-midnight when we sit at the train station... Cause he works almost all day, every day (aprox 10am-10pm weekdays, 9am-7pm weekends) and since I attend his work I know this isn't a lie. Also he has lots of family things on, birthdays, hospital things, and he sends me photos/video chats with his mum or grandma so I know that's not a lie either.

 

So he ends up inviting me over to his place at night, after work, since that's the only time I can see him. It's nice, we watch movies, make food, talk forever, and sex. After the first time we had sex was when sexting started, so we have each others private photos... I basically trust him a lot. But also kind of don't. Like everything's great other than us being a secret and the ex thing... In the morning he'll walk me to the station then he'll walk/bike to work. (I live a bit far and he doesn't drive or anything). But even those nights were cancelled too. I'd cry, but say it was okay. And he'd try to reassure me and make more plans and I would question if he even wanted to see me and he'd say yes and that he was sorry that his life is so busy/messed up. One time I kept saying "make sure you're not cancelling remember it takes 1 hour travel so I need to know early" yet I get a train just to get one back... So for about 3 months it's never being able to go out properly. Always being cancelled on. Still talking every day/night/any chance we get. Me going to his place after work and sleeping over every few weeks. Acting like nothing at the gym in front of other people but sneaking in kisses when no ones around/looking. He keeps saying he'll give me a key when he moves to his new place.

 

Gradually over about 1 month everything just decreased. And eventually just stopped. So he stopped complimenting me, didn't message as often, would take all day to reply. We'd find ourselves alone and he'd not even try to kiss me. So I'd ask. I'd ask if he was okay. I'd ask if he still wanted to see me. He tells me he does and in no way am I bothering him and that he really wants to see me and likes me and hopes we could be together properly some day and that he's thinking all good things... But he just doesn't act like it. He only reassures me of these things when I get sad and have to ask. Then the next day it's like nothing... And I can't talk to him properly any more. I can't start a fuss at gym. And he takes forever to reply now, plus you can't talk properly in a text.

 

He's made me a promise since that night we watched planes that he will see me for my birthday. He'll get the day off work just for me. So I've been sitting through all these cancellations just waiting for that, like the ground breaker to see if he'll keep it. He's had months to get this day free. So the last time I see him in person we get a hotel room because he's in the middle of moving houses. I ask him in person about my birthday and he's going yes all sorted there's no reason why I won't be able to see you. I keep asking like every day though, I feel like I'm annoying him a bit cause he seems to just say yeah of course but I can't tell if he means it since I've been cancelled on so many times... Also he's in the middle of moving.. So he's been packing an unpacking all week. So I say if he can't see me on the day, it's okay if he sees me any day that week. So I've given him a bit of space so he won't mess up, because my trust has honestly died but I'm still hoping. On the day, he wishes me a happy birthday at midnight. Then during the day I ask "so what are we doing today" and he responds with "I'm with the mover, gonna be unpacking" and I just don't bother. I don't ask anything. I'm crushed. I don't know if he went to work or if he stayed home unpacking... He sends me photos of his new place, but stops telling me he'll give me a key. And then I just don't ask again.. I don't ask if he wants to see me again. I don't ask if he still likes me. I don't bring up my birthday ever again. I don't bring up anything at all of our 'relationship'. It's just gone to casual conversations. So I do my best to reply as little as possible. At work I try to be normal or distanced. He messages me every few days. Random **** like work was busy or it was hot today or he just got home and is tired... If I don't reply he'll message me a lot more asking where I am. But once I do he seems not to reply till days later.

 

One day I just go "why do you message me random things then act like nothings even happened" I tell him I'm upset and we have a huge conversation, through text. At first he's joking around "sorry I'll try and be more interesting, i've just been too busy recently" and I'm like "I know you're busy but why bother sending me small talk like nothings happened". It's basically me just saying he's really hurt me and him just saying "sorry" and "i'm too busy".. I tell him i feel brushed off and he says he's not trying to and that he's honestly too busy for anyone and the reasons he doesn't reply often are because he doesn't even have time for that. But I see he goes out sometimes with his friends, or that he comments on things on facebook... When I ask about those he doesn't say anything...

 

I know he is busy though, I don't want to share details online but it's just that he was busy in the beginning too but he found time, even if it was sitting on a bench all night talking, he found time. That first 'date' he lied to see me. He's taken days off before, he's left middle of the day because a friend of his was in town. Am I not important enough any more? If so why can't he tell me. I'd try to ask and he'd keep saying yes, keep saying he wants to see me. So I'd try to be understanding and hopeful. But it just became ridiculous.. So I just said to stop talking to me, I paused my gym membership for a month, which made him upset. He said he realises now that acting like everything's okay and messaging me was unfair to me and he'll try not to get in my way at the gym.

 

So now. Present day. I have gone back to the gym 2 times. He has not messaged me since that 1 month ago when I told him not to. But he seems to be overly kind to me in person. First day I'm back: He's saying "so nice to see you again" asking me how exams were, commenting on things he's seen me post on facebook of things i've done, talking to me about my plans (that he already knows about) so he's talking to me like things are okay.. He's calling me over to show me videos, or there's a little bit of playful flirting. He said he'll send me a video but he never did, which was like a mini test in my head. 2nd time I'm back I start crying. He asked what's wrong and when I said nothing I looked him right in the eyes, obvious tears rolling down, red eyes, I almost exploded. He just turned around as quickly as he could and went to his desk... I don't want to start a drama at this gym, I have heaps of friends here and I really love it. But it seems I'm crying with any thought of him.

 

I don't know, I just want to be good with him again... I want to know what happened honestly. He was the one who started saying things like "I can't wait till I can see you properly" and "I wish we could be together" and "good news my ex and I are going to start telling people we're breaking up which means good for us"... I just don't get it and can't stop thinking about it, doubting myself, thinking was it something I did wrong, what if he still does want to be with me and I've pushed him away. But I can't talk to him. I could never talk to him properly because after a while there was no trust. And now that I've told him to stop messaging me I can't just come at him crying... I keep wanting to talk to him but I'm not. And in person I either cry or just put on some fake laughs when we talk, though they're probably not that fake.

 

I don't know I just want opinions and advice? I honestly just want to talk to him. But I know I can't, but I still want to know so badly what was going on in his head. Was I wrong to tell him to stop talking to me? Did he really want to be with me, did he just want sex, but we also just talked and hung out so it wasn't just sex? And he'd blow me kisses and be silly with me and it was as if spending time with him was perfect... He didn't have much money either (put it all into his work), some people say he was embarrassed that he couldn't take me on dates but I didn't care about anything, I just want him...

 

I could honestly talk forever, if you've read all this thanks heaps, please help?

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Luxanna Member

Luxanna

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Posted (edited)

I made a detailed post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/557359-unsure-relationship-doubting-myself-getting-over-him

 

But it may be too long, so here's a simple explanation.

 

I talk to this guy a few months, he's too busy with work to see me properly but sometimes he'll lie to work or i'll see him after for a few hours or go to his place late because that's the only time. At first he's really interested, he's saying things like "I can't wait to be with you properly, i can;t wait to pick you up and kiss you whenever I want". Our whole 'relationship' is a secret. Also he's still close to his ex which I worry about. Later on he stops talking as often. He stops seeing me as often, eventually it's basically nothing. I see him at work sometimes but I can't talk to him there, can't start a drama and we're a secret. Our conversations have no flirting any more, nothing. If I ask what's happening in our relationship I don't get proper responses, I have no idea where I stand with this guy any more. He messages me random small talk. So one day I pull him up on it, and basically say to stop messaging me because acting like nothing happened and like he didn't hurt me isn't fair. So it's a month after and we've not messaged once. But I see him at work... We're a little playful sometimes. But I get upset any time I think of him or see him, i miss him, I have so many unanswered questions, I am having trouble getting over it and hope it'll somehow be fixed when I know that's not going to happen. I just want some opinions or advice, because I feel like I'm cracking. I started crying at work the other day and he looked me dead in the eyes and just ran away and hid at his desk... Talking to him is what I want but know it's not happening yet hope it might because I'm stupid, i don;t know, help :/ ?

 

Oh and I've known him a little over a year now. I'm 18 (female) and he's 25. If that means anything...

Edited by Luxanna
angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
Posted (edited)

By the way, never agree to be someone's secret. It's destructive to you and ends badly for you. This guy is bad news. Walk away.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6
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Luxanna Member

Luxanna

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Haha yeah I realised sorry, here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/557362-unsure-relationship-regretting-ending

 

I haven't used this site before, but I also just wanted to vent, I didn't entirely expect people to read it all, but I wasn't really thinking of that when typing it and going through emotions. Even making this account is my desperate cry at 7am (no sleep). But even your small reply makes me feel better so thank you.

Edited by Luxanna
angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
Posted

Thanks! We're here to support you and help you get through this.:)

 

Okay. A few things:

 

We've all had painful breakups at some point. We've survived. You will too. Things will get better. You'll meet someone who actually deserves to be with you. Promise.

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Luxanna Member

Luxanna

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I read the link you posted. Trouble is I know all these things, I had nc with my ex boyfriend, I cried for a month, I started new things, and then soon enough I didn't care about him anymore and I was happy. But this gym was like my happy escape. I've been going for over a year now. I have friends and am starting an amazing job.

 

I think I know I have to be strong and keep our relationship strictly professional, it's just difficult with The fun type of environment this place has. I'll start just going for work/class and stop going to hang out I guess.im not changing what I enjoy for him, I just have to be smarter and stronger hey.

Robert Established Member

Robert

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Posted

To avoid confusion, I merged the long thread as well as the shortened version into this thread, so the links above should all revert back to this thread. ~6

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angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
Posted (edited)
I read the link you posted. Trouble is I know all these things, I had nc with my ex boyfriend, I cried for a month, I started new things, and then soon enough I didn't care about him anymore and I was happy. But this gym was like my happy escape. I've been going for over a year now. I have friends and am starting an amazing job.

 

I think I know I have to be strong and keep our relationship strictly professional, it's just difficult with The fun type of environment this place has. I'll start just going for work/class and stop going to hang out I guess.im not changing what I enjoy for him, I just have to be smarter and stronger hey.

 

Well, clearly this gym is no longer your "happy escape" since he's there to remind you of your heartbreak. I stand by my advice to change jobs and avoid him. Trust me on that one! Don't, and you'll be back here in six months because he fed you more worthless sweet nothings, and you fell right back into being his little secret.

 

This isn't the only "fun" job in the world. It won't be your final job either. At 18, this job isn't even critical to your long-term career. Learn to cut your losses.

 

It's also not about running away or whatever you think leaving the job because of him means. It's about doing what best for your mental health and what will help you recover most quickly. That's getting Mr. Cheater completely out of your life. Don't, and you'll be in for a very painful life lesson.

 

Seriously, start hunting for other jobs. Where are your parents in all of this?

Edited by angel.eyes
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Luxanna Member

Luxanna

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Okay, I guess I can still see my friends outside, and not have to go there. I'm also going away for holidays soon so that'll help the temptation as I won't be in the country.

 

Umm I started telling my mum about him after the last time I saw him outside of work. She wants to kill him homestly, but I ask her not to interfere. She just tries to give me advice where she can, same with a few close friends but I just wanted someone else's opinion. Because sometimes friends and family can be overwhelming. A lot of them want to go tell him off in person but I don't want to make a drama I just want to get away from him. I don't think fighting him will do anyone any good. It's just my friends/family expressing how much they care for me but sometimes it's hard talking to them for advice when their only solution is lets go tell him off...

angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
Posted

Yes, sometimes it's good to get an outside perspective or to have somewhere to vent.

 

I understand why your friends and family are so upset. He took advantage of your inexperience. That's why they want to make things uncomfortable for him. TBH, it might not be a bad idea. It will certainly prevent him from slithering around to try and convince you to restart things in secret again. And he will try to do just that. Rather than tell him off (which serves no purpose with an unremorseful cheater), they should complain publicly to his boss and follow up with a written complaint. When did you turn eighteen?

 

Lots of lessons in this experience. You'll heal and move on though. Hugs!

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Luxanna Member

Luxanna

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Yeah.. he's the co-owner so...

 

And it doesn't seem like he's trying to flirt again or get me back, more like he's being nice due to guilt and worry for his own being. If I told anyone in the business or law he'd be in ****, but I'd be embarrassed having people know I was used as he works with people I know... Plus I don't want to go that far to ruin his life or anything... I turned 18 mid this year, we had sex while I was still a few months off 18, I can prove it through messages, but I don't want to do anything like that.

 

Yeah I currently feel like I'll never trust a guy. Seems so far they just want sex.. With past boyfriends or dating: Even if we wait a few months once anything sexual has come it seems that's all they're interested in, which leads me to leaving. Like nothings wrong with sex, but when I couldn't even hang out with one without him demanding a blow job... This guy just seemed better, it wasn't like he made me do anything, there were many times we'd just watch a movie and cuddle and nothing more. So for some reason I stayed longer than usual, because the secret was the only thing he made me do, the only problem, but it was a big problem.

lucy_in_disguise Established Member

lucy_in_disguise

Posted
Posted (edited)

Sorry to hear you are hurting. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders though, and understand what is going on, even if you were hoping for a different outcome.

 

Next time, dont agree to secret telationships, and dont give someone so many chances. I dont know if this guy meant to use you/ string you along, or he is just a coward, but it was apparent early on when he started flaking on you that he was poor relationship material. You should have walked then.

 

I agree with posters who suggest a new gym/ job. It will be easier to move on if you arent always around him. And you can make new friends at the new gym.

Edited by lucy_in_disguise
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