jinandjuice Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) I have been taking this girl out on dates for around 4 months now and everything is great. We have amazing chemistry spend alot of quality time with each other. She was even my valentine this past weekend. In the beginning she told me she said she couldn't say she liked me. This was around november. Now however she says she does like me but doesn't know how strong it is. She is confused and doesn't know if her feelings are strong enough to take a plunge in a relationship. She has never had a fully committed relationship and she says shes not ready yet. One weekend while we were both making out in bed she says that she might just want to be friends and maybe we should stop it. She thinks its the right thing to do and not that she wants. But the next weekend we were back to making out again and being very intimate with each other. She says she doesn't want to confuse me and I tell her she isn't. She says That she can potentially see us going out but she isn't ready right now. We have been intimate with each other. What should I do? I asked if she was interested in me and she said she was but right now she wasn't ready maybe in the future. Edited February 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
topaMAXX Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I have been taking this girl out on dates for around 4 months now and everything is great. We have amazing chemistry spend alot of quality time with each other. She was even my valentine this past weekend. In the beginning she told me she said she couldn't say she liked me. This was around november. Now however she says she does like me but doesn't know how strong it is. She is confused and doesn't know if her feelings are strong enough to take a plunge in a relationship. She has never had a fully committed relationship and she says shes not ready yet. One weekend while we were both making out in bed she says that she might just want to be friends and maybe we should stop it. She thinks its the right thing to do and not that she wants. But the next weekend we were back to making out again and being very intimate with each other. She says she doesn't want to confuse me and I tell her she isn't. She says That she can potentially see us going out but she isn't ready right now. We have been intimate with each other. What should I do? Sounds like she has a lot of issues. I've dated girls like this before. You're wasting your time by taking a girl like this seriously. 3
GoreSP Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I have been taking this girl out on dates for around 4 months now and everything is great. We have amazing chemistry spend alot of quality time with each other. She was even my valentine this past weekend. In the beginning she told me she said she couldn't say she liked me. This was around november. Now however she says she does like me but doesn't know how strong it is. She is confused and doesn't know if her feelings are strong enough to take a plunge in a relationship. She has never had a fully committed relationship and she says shes not ready yet. One weekend while we were both making out in bed she says that she might just want to be friends and maybe we should stop it. She thinks its the right thing to do and not that she wants. But the next weekend we were back to making out again and being very intimate with each other. She says she doesn't want to confuse me and I tell her she isn't. She says That she can potentially see us going out but she isn't ready right now. We have been intimate with each other. What should I do? The last guy who told me that was actually dating someone else at the same time. 'I'm not ready' is the easy way of saying 'I'm not interested'
mammasita Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 4 months and she doesn't know? How old is she, 14? 1
theothersully Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Try to remove your feelings and just hook up with her as a piece of meat or sex object. Essentially, just mirror what she is doing to you. And... if you want it to last a while, play some push/pull games. Don't try to get her into a relationship though. Clear signals that it won't happen.
PegNosePete Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 She says she doesn't want to confuse me and I tell her she isn't. So you lie to her? Not good bro. Next time she says she doesn't want to confuse you, tell her that she is confusing you because her behaviour is erratic, contradictory, weird and changeable. Tell her that after 4 months she should know what she wants, and be comfortable progressing the relationship. If not then it's not worth pursuing any further. In or out, it's decision time.
stillafool Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Why haven't you moved on to another girl by now? 1
Shepp Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I've kind of been in your shoes.......she'd curl up next to me in bed one minuet and the next would be all "can't do this, i'll mess everything up". She was even my valentine too. That said, I don't really know what to say..... I stood by my girl, but I stood by her for four years before we got properly together....that said, I wouldn't of stuck it out that long without reason, reason being: I loved her and that she made me understand why she didn't feel in a place to commit, she was living in a unique set of circumstances, she wasn't just messing me around. So I guess......how do you feel? what gives you reason to stick it out?
Author jinandjuice Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I've kind of been in your shoes.......she'd curl up next to me in bed one minuet and the next would be all "can't do this, i'll mess everything up". She was even my valentine too. That said, I don't really know what to say..... I stood by my girl, but I stood by her for four years before we got properly together....that said, I wouldn't of stuck it out that long without reason, reason being: I loved her and that she made me understand why she didn't feel in a place to commit, she was living in a unique set of circumstances, she wasn't just messing me around. So I guess......how do you feel? what gives you reason to stick it out? I have never ever felt this strongly so early about a women. Not even in my past relationships has this happened to me. Its hard to say because I do love her but would never openly say it. I know she does care for me like when I am sick she will come over make me food keep me company or ask how I am doing.
GoreSP Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I have never ever felt this strongly so early about a women. Not even in my past relationships has this happened to me. Its hard to say because I do love her but would never openly say it. I know she does care for me like when I am sick she will come over make me food keep me company or ask how I am doing. All friends do that. I think what he meant is what in her situation would make sense that she isn't ready. Like she just got out of a long term abusive relationship, depression, family crisis, studies etc etc etc. Sometimes, I guess it makes sense to not be ready. Though to be honest, I have never liked a man who said he wasn't ready who didn't end up in a serious relationship less than 1 or 2 months later. Also, when I myself feel like I'm not ready for a relationship - I DON'T DATE ANYONE!
Frank2thepoint Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Try to remove your feelings and just hook up with her as a piece of meat or sex object. Essentially, just mirror what she is doing to you. And... if you want it to last a while, play some push/pull games. Don't try to get her into a relationship though. Clear signals that it won't happen. Honestly, this might work on the confused girl that the OP mentioned. But it is true that you can't have a serious relationship with her. She'll flake out and drive you nuts. So either drop her or just play her game, returning what she dishes out.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 If you are looking for a committed and exclusive relationship, I'd start seeing other people. This girl has no idea what she wants and is actually being honest with you about that. Listen to her. How much more are you willing to invest in someone who is not invested in you? 1
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 She wants a FWB. If your down with that then don't press the relationship thing and have fun. Life takes many twists and turns so enjoy the ride. I'd tell her we don't need a relationship right now lets just have some fun.
Never Again Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Easy. Fade out. Slowly. Just let go. Hang out with your friends, don't put as much effort into her. Don't initiate contact as often. Just withdraw. If she's interested and she feels you pulling away, she'll say something. If she's not really interested and she feels you pulling away, she'll let you and you'll move on and be better for it. 1
Jethro Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 What should I do? What do you want from her? Can we assume that you want a relationship? How do you feel about her? These are the things missing in your post that we need to know. You are skating on very thin ice unfortunately. I have learned early in this new dating world I have entered to make sure you do not fall for someone without knowing what they are willing to invest. It can be dangerous and you can get hurt. If you have fallen for her, it might be too late. Your choices are to break it off and deal with the heartbreak, or keep going with this casual thing and hope she changes her thinking/what she wants. The latter is much more risky.
Shepp Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I have never ever felt this strongly so early about a women. Not even in my past relationships has this happened to me. Its hard to say because I do love her but would never openly say it. I know she does care for me like when I am sick she will come over make me food keep me company or ask how I am doing. All friends do that. I think what he meant is what in her situation would make sense that she isn't ready. Like she just got out of a long term abusive relationship, depression, family crisis, studies etc etc etc. It's hard for me not to project my relationship onto yours, theres a lot I recognise..my gf she sat at my hospital bed for weeks when I had an accident on my mountain bike, used to apologise for being hot and cold, everything you say rings a lot of bells BUT Gore is spot on.....I want more than what was between us, I didn't agree with her reasons, but I understood - she was in a bad place, her mum had died, her dad was a waste of space........I'm not convinced I would of been so, tolerant, otherwise. Like I say its hard not to project, but if she has no reason for not being ready then......why?....is she just keeping her options open? By all means check my old threads if you want though, if you think it applies. I've been there!
Author jinandjuice Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 What do you want from her? Can we assume that you want a relationship? How do you feel about her? These are the things missing in your post that we need to know. You are skating on very thin ice unfortunately. I have learned early in this new dating world I have entered to make sure you do not fall for someone without knowing what they are willing to invest. It can be dangerous and you can get hurt. If you have fallen for her, it might be too late. Your choices are to break it off and deal with the heartbreak, or keep going with this casual thing and hope she changes her thinking/what she wants. The latter is much more risky. She doesn't have to be committed yet. All I want is progression forward. Maybe we can date in the future but all I want is progression to eventually that point. I care for her so much deeply. We spend quite a lot of time together. I have fallen for her already.
Author jinandjuice Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 (edited) All friends do that. I think what he meant is what in her situation would make sense that she isn't ready. Like she just got out of a long term abusive relationship, depression, family crisis, studies etc etc etc. Sometimes, I guess it makes sense to not be ready. Though to be honest, I have never liked a man who said he wasn't ready who didn't end up in a serious relationship less than 1 or 2 months later. Also, when I myself feel like I'm not ready for a relationship - I DON'T DATE ANYONE! I know she does. Just the way she acts. She told me that I am very special to her etc etc and she has an amazing time. And she also told me obvisouly she doesn't see me just as a friend either. She said she would have friend zoned me if I didn't tell her I liked her from the start. Girls are confusing. I don't know she also said if I didn't pursue it she would have just thought it was a infatuation but now that I am still around her feelings have gotten a lot stronger for me. Edited February 21, 2014 by jinandjuice
GoreSP Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I know she does. Just the way she acts. She told me that I am very special to her etc etc and she has an amazing time. And she also told me obvisouly she doesn't see me just as a friend either. She said she would have friend zoned me if I didn't tell her I liked her from the start. Girls are confusing. I don't know she also said if I didn't pursue it she would have just thought it was a infatuation but now that I am still around her feelings have gotten a lot stronger for me. Well, keep telling yourself that. I still think that if she really had feelings for you, she would be with you. Sorry.
newmoon Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I am in something like this as well; the guy cares far more for me than I do for him (he knows this), and I cannot move my feelings forward. i would guess there is *something* about you she is uneasy about/doesn't like/cannot see herself falling in love with. when you completely like a person you overlook the faults, enjoy their company, want a higher level of commitment, etc. if she's holding back - in my opinion - she sees something in you that doesn't work for her. that being said she probably does like you very much but more as a friend and someone she wouldn't be with long-term. it's very conflicting to like qualities about a person yet know they are in some way not well-matched to you. she might be struggling with something like that.
PegNosePete Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Why do you have 2 identical threads with different subject lines? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/461939-i-am-not-ready-answer Didn't you like the responses in the first one? Did you expect different answers?
scooby-philly Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I agree with a lot of the posts here. You sound like a fairly decent person. If you want a relationship you need to be honest with yourself and then tell her that. If she responds again she's not ready either stay FWB or move on. Life has hinges and people swing one way one day/week/month, then back. At 4 months you should know what you are feeling. Don't know her age, if she's over 21/22 and has never been in a serious relationship then you need to figure out why. Sometime people have issues that aren't psychopath serious, but need to overcome whatever imposed or self-imposed images or ideas that were beaten into them growing up. Get her to talk. If you can't get that and/or you are unhappy with what she wants, it's okay to move on. It sucks ass, I've been in that kind of boat once or twice.
Zahara Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 She says That she can potentially see us going out but she isn't ready right now. We have been intimate with each other. What should I do? I asked if she was interested in me and she said she was but right now she wasn't ready maybe in the future. This is the dumbest thing I hear from dumpers. It's a stall tactic. Keep you on the backburner. Emotional crutch. Safety net. Source of attention. If one is so adamant, knowing that they don't have what it takes to be with you now and they don't need what you have to offer now, how can they possibly know that they will somehow want you and want it in the future? How? It's an assinine statement to make. Someone can have an amazing time and care for you, but it doesn't always have to translate into a romantic relationship. There's nothing confusing about a girl telling you that she cannot see herself with you. She's with you because you fill a need. If there was anything more to it, she would be with you because the last thing anyone would do is let go of someone that is amazing and special. If actions aren't correlating with the words, trust the former.
GoreSP Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 There should be a rule in the forum that states whoever is looking for the 'tell em what I want to hear' advice should specify it at the end of their post. Kind of like 'Disclaimer - I really just want you to reassure me everything is going the way I want it to even though it really doesn't look this way.' 1
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