Relationships and the sexless marriage (anecdotal)

[Silly_Girl]

I spent several hours travelling with the other two members of the senior management team from work one day last week. Both guys. One under 30, one over 50. We haven't known each other a terribly long time so there was lots of background to cover in our conversations, such as education, work history, children/parents/relationships etc.

 

I actually found the conversation quite sad and wanted to share it.

 

Chap one, 'A', is in his second main relationship, expecting his third child (their first). Coincidentally I know his partner well (also through work) and also coincidentally they had talked the night before and she'd asked whether, if she could no longer have sex, he'd stay with her. He said that in all honesty, at his young age, no, he wouldn't. He said that he can't live without sex and if she was physically incapable his preference would be for her to permit him to have sex elsewhere. He thinks it's preposterous that any man would choose to stay without sex and doesn't believe that circumstance happens in real life.

 

Chap two, 'B', was married for two and a half decades, and seems to be very positive and thankful for the marriage he had and appears to be a devoted dad. His wife had PTSD (caused entirely external from the marriage) and became suspicious that B was cheating. The more he denied it the more it consumed her. To the point of violence and her destroying all his belongings and clothes. Awful, for them but also their children. They are now divorced.

 

B had a relationship of a year or so with a divorcee who said that in the end her H would only have sex 3-4 times a year and eventually not at all. The lack of intimacy destroyed them, and her self-esteem, though she was in a much better place when she met B.

 

With B being 'back on the market' an old girlfriend from school has been in touch (FB) wanting an affair. Says she loves her husband, loves her kids, but 4 years without sex is just too much for anyone to bear.

 

I told them about my exMM who hadn't had sex with his wife in over ten years and how that came about.

 

The guys were asking me about the stereotype of the man wanting sex and the woman denying him it, both admitting they are 'sulkers' if they want some action and it's not forthcoming. I can't help, I'm not someone who ever doesn't want sex and there are times *I've* been the sulker

 

I did tell them about a girls night in we had recently. My friend with 4 young children is glad they've completed their family because she can say no to sex much more often than she used to. Another couple don't connect at all emotionally and therefore sex is a 'special occasion'. Another friend is very busy with 3 kids, career, voluntary work and caring for older family members, sex is the absolute bottom of the priority list. Another has an 18month old, hasn't lost the baby weight, feels crap and says no to sex until she knows her H is going to start seriously raising the issue then she'll go along with it a couple of times to placate him. One friend is in a somewhat volatile relationship and 'the make-up sex is fantastic'... well I remember that and wouldn't want to go back there. Another friend has lost all respect/attraction to her boyfriend who turned in to a fat, lazy chauvinist once they bought a house together, they've not had sex this year and she's about to leave him for someone else. And I'm enjoying lots of sex now but if I wasn't I'd be worried because we're in honeymoon period and everything's amazing, so I can't really count as a genuine stat.

 

Going back to B he said that he won't apologise for how important sex is. Because to him it's a relationship within a relationship. It's the touching, the kissing, flirting, surreptitious glances and anticipation. I feel exactly the same. For me, it's a thread throughout all aspects of the relationship that ties you in, sometimes the thread stretches slightly and there can be some distance but intimately it brings you back together.

 

If there's no sex (through lack of interest, and by choice) at a basic level I see no point in having a partner. I can go on lovely holidays with my son, eat out with friends, jog at the running club, go to the cinema alone after work, but the only thing that is saved entirely for you and your loved one is sexual intimacy. Like B, I am surprised how many people 'manage' and hang in there.

 

It made me sad but also I thought of all the comments I've read on this board about how delusional the OW is for believing that MM is not sleeping with his wife. Definitely sometimes it's a lie but how tragic that there are so many relationships without that bond between the partners.

[AnotherRound]

I have noticed I hear a lot of this too. I have recently been wondering if it isn't somehow biological? But then, remember my Gparents, who were sexually active up until my Gmother got ill and passed... in their early 70s. So, was my Gmother the exception? or what?

 

I know that there are sexless marriages, bc I was in one. My exH was already having the A, but I didn't know yet. He was NOT interested in sex, to the point that I even considered that he might be gay, lol... until I found out about the A, then it made sense.

 

ExMM has never said that he and his wife do not have sex, except over the past few years. In the beginning, they were having "some" sex. He and I discussed this at length and he described his disappointment in the sex, but said that it was "never that great" from the get go. When I asked him why he married her then, he said that he didn't think it would be as important as it turned out to be, and he could have made due with what she offered if it had stayed at the level it was in the beginning. But what happened was, she slowly starting cutting him off.

 

Initially, she was willing to do most "normal" things... even if she didn't "like" them or thought they were "nasty". So, after their child was born (a child he did not agree to, but loves and stayed regardless), first it was, no more oral sex. She thought it was dirty and didn't want to do it anymore. He said, okay, fine. Still thought he could make do. Then she said, no more touching her breasts during sex. exMM was frustrated with that, as it left very little to do for foreplay (which he very much enjoys), but still thought he could make do. Then, it progressed to, no lights on at all, completely dark. He still tried to adjust. Then it was, all the above PLUS only under the covers and only missionary. By the end of it all, there was LITERALLY nothing left to do, and he felt like when they did do what little was still "allowed" that she was only doing it bc she thought she should as she seemed to not gain any pleasure from it.

 

This is what I mean by changing the game in the middle of the marriage. This just is NOT fair to the partner, especially if they went into it while you were willing to do most anything. ExMM said that his stbxw was always "sort of a prude", but he was okay with that, cared enough about her to overlook that at that time. But as time progressed, and it became more and more ridiculous, and of course she refused to discuss it with him at all (omg), and then it just got to the point where he literally stopped trying. He told me multiple times that he would fake illness when she attempted to initiate anything bc he KNEW she was just doing it out of some odd sense of duty, and not bc she wanted to or enjoyed it, and he didn't get much pleasure from it anyway, so he just avoided even bothering. I think that is so effing sad for him and for her.

 

I have no idea what my libido will be like in 30 years, but I don't pretend to enjoy anything sexually that I don't. I think that's my biggest issue. When women pretend to like something, or willingly do it to "snag" a man, and then change it AFTER they have the marriage certificate. It's dishonest, and manipulative, and just so very unfair. And exMM and I together, through 7 years, dealt with some issues in that I had gained some weight and wasn't super excited about how I looked (a new issue for me, damn the 30s!). But he NEVER once made me feel uncomfortable or undesirable. I have lost the weight, and figured out how to keep it off (me vs. my aging metabolism, I win! lol), but even heavier, I was not cutting off things I know he loves, sexually.

 

This is what I mean about not trying in a relationship. If you aren't willing to be honest, and use sneaky tactics to "land" a man, then change it up on them... how the hell can you expect them to honor the contract you entered into with them? Bc you are NOT honoring that agreement at all in these cases. You are depriving them of the ONLY thing that separates your relationship with them from being just a friendship, and that's not intimacy, not SO intimacy.

 

Now, some people can find other people with similar sex drives, or sexual intimacy needs, or whatever. But, if a woman finds that she is constantly batting off the sexual advances of her partner, then there is a problem... and it's not going to go away, it will only get worse. Not everyone has the same drive, but women should not be constantly denying their man's advances, that's not "just the way it is". That's a mismatch, big time, and it's going to cause problems. My exH didn't have nearly the drive that I do, we were mismatched in a lot of ways, but especially in that one. He was constantly turning me down for sex. It was frustrating, and annoying, and it was not a relationship that was meeting my relationship needs. ExMM and I are VERY similar in our drives, and that also helped cement our relationship and bond us. Neither of us is prudish, at all, and that's important, that people are similar in bed.

 

Interesting stories. But I have known older couples, 70s and 80s, who are still very sexually intimate and active. So, I don't think it's a biological thing for women, but more of the fact that people are pairing up with people that they are incompatible with sexually. And it's NOT fair to expect one partner to live a celibate life just bc the other is now different than they were previously.

[LadyGrey]

My thoughts, I don't recall any conversations with men who were my friends and who were involved in relationships getting into the nitty gritty of their sex lives, other than the vague references that men sometimes make about not getting as much of it as they want.

 

My g/f's........yes, it's been a topic of discussion at times. My b/f.......I can say I know a whole lot about her sex life throughout her whole life as she knows mine but I don't feel comfortable spilling her details here even though it's anonymous.

 

Like SG, I have heard from other women several different variations of the story. Some complained that they weren't getting enough of it and then I've heard from some women, who saw it as an obligation, a duty. I've also heard many women speak of how great it was in the beginning but life, children, work can get in the way and yet there are a number of my friends who have complained that they would be more interested in sex but they had tons of resentment for their so's. I know for myself, that in my previous marriage resentment caused my sex drive to take a nose dive.

 

xmm........He and I didn't talk about his sex life with his wife. He didn't tell me, and I didn't ask. TMI, I thought. He and I did not have sex, during the time period that I knew it was an affair.

 

On my finding out the truth about his lies and when talking to the bs, her and I discussed it. She asked me if I thought he was good in bed and she volunteered that she had had better. I concurred. He wasn't bad, but wasn't the best I've ever had either. She said that he hadn't had much interest in it with her for a while. I'd say he was spreading himself a little bit too thin for a middle aged man. Oh and little did I know until she and I talked, he had a little blue pill prescription. That refill he ordered that they couldn't refill because he had already had his quota for the month is how he got caught.

 

I think sometimes ow have little empathy for why the bs might not be interested in sex with mm. They don't see all the sides of him that a bs sees. Perhaps there is tons of resentment and anger lurking under the surface, one never knows.

 

Sure........there are people out there that just don't like it, have hangups and lose interest after the chase is over and the new wears off, but that happens with both sexes and is not exclusive to any sex or any group.

[AnotherRound]

Like SG, I have heard from other women several different variations of the story. Some complained that they weren't getting enough of it and then I've heard from some women, who saw it as an obligation, a duty. I've also heard many women speak of how great it was in the beginning but life, children, work can get in the way and yet there are a number of my friends who have complained that they would be more interested in sex but they had tons of resentment for their so's. I know for myself, that in my previous marriage resentment caused my sex drive to take a nose dive.

 

I think sometimes ow have little empathy for why the bs might not be interested in sex with mm. They don't see all the sides of him that a bs sees. Perhaps there is tons of resentment and anger lurking under the surface, one never knows.

 

Sure........there are people out there that just don't like it, have hangups and lose interest after the chase is over and the new wears off, but that happens with both sexes and is not exclusive to any sex or any group.

 

I agree with this. I said to exMM, on multiple occasions, "you cannot expect her to want to have sex with you if she doesn't feel emotionally connected". Problem was for them, a big chunk of why they weren't emotionally connected was her unwillingness/inability to communicate.

 

I absolutely see why she may not have wanted to be intimate with him. They weren't talking hardly at all, except about surface stuff, and then when they did attempt to communicate, they were arguing. She even commented once that when she overheard exMM talking to me on the phone that he was being "so nice" to me. He told her that the reason for that was that I didn't "clam up" on him every time he tried to discuss something, and she just couldn't understand that. She just didn't understand why he needed her to talk about things, bc she did NOT need that at all.

 

So, I get it, and did discuss it with exMM, many times. He got it too, but didn't know what to do about it, like a Catch22 in that without the intimacy he was angry, and she was not having intimacy bc he was angry - it was a vicious circle that imo, they let go on for far too long (years!) and it was irreversible by the time they realized it, or even tried to address it. There was so much resentment that neither could see through it to the person standing on the other side.

 

And then, all of this coupled with exMM's stbxw's not liking or wanting to be very sexual, just was a time bomb waiting to explode in their faces. When a couple gets to the point where the resentment is keeping them from moving forward at all... I'm not sure there is much that can fix that, or save that. Maybe, if they both REALLY want to be there... but that resentment is going to cloud their judgment and affect their decisions and behaviors big time. And if they get to that point, and even just one of them is unwilling to sift through that crap and try to fix it... it's going to be far too big an issue for the remaining partner to do alone.

[todreaminblue]

I spent several hours travelling with the other two members of the senior management team from work one day last week. Both guys. One under 30, one over 50. We haven't known each other a terribly long time so there was lots of background to cover in our conversations, such as education, work history, children/parents/relationships etc.

 

I actually found the conversation quite sad and wanted to share it.

 

Chap one, 'A', is in his second main relationship, expecting his third child (their first). Coincidentally I know his partner well (also through work) and also coincidentally they had talked the night before and she'd asked whether, if she could no longer have sex, he'd stay with her. He said that in all honesty, at his young age, no, he wouldn't. He said that he can't live without sex and if she was physically incapable his preference would be for her to permit him to have sex elsewhere. He thinks it's preposterous that any man would choose to stay without sex and doesn't believe that circumstance happens in real life.

 

Chap two, 'B', was married for two and a half decades, and seems to be very positive and thankful for the marriage he had and appears to be a devoted dad. His wife had PTSD (caused entirely external from the marriage) and became suspicious that B was cheating. The more he denied it the more it consumed her. To the point of violence and her destroying all his belongings and clothes. Awful, for them but also their children. They are now divorced.

 

B had a relationship of a year or so with a divorcee who said that in the end her H would only have sex 3-4 times a year and eventually not at all. The lack of intimacy destroyed them, and her self-esteem, though she was in a much better place when she met B.

 

With B being 'back on the market' an old girlfriend from school has been in touch (FB) wanting an affair. Says she loves her husband, loves her kids, but 4 years without sex is just too much for anyone to bear.

 

I told them about my exMM who hadn't had sex with his wife in over ten years and how that came about.

 

The guys were asking me about the stereotype of the man wanting sex and the woman denying him it, both admitting they are 'sulkers' if they want some action and it's not forthcoming. I can't help, I'm not someone who ever doesn't want sex and there are times *I've* been the sulker

 

I did tell them about a girls night in we had recently. My friend with 4 young children is glad they've completed their family because she can say no to sex much more often than she used to. Another couple don't connect at all emotionally and therefore sex is a 'special occasion'. Another friend is very busy with 3 kids, career, voluntary work and caring for older family members, sex is the absolute bottom of the priority list. Another has an 18month old, hasn't lost the baby weight, feels crap and says no to sex until she knows her H is going to start seriously raising the issue then she'll go along with it a couple of times to placate him. One friend is in a somewhat volatile relationship and 'the make-up sex is fantastic'... well I remember that and wouldn't want to go back there. Another friend has lost all respect/attraction to her boyfriend who turned in to a fat, lazy chauvinist once they bought a house together, they've not had sex this year and she's about to leave him for someone else. And I'm enjoying lots of sex now but if I wasn't I'd be worried because we're in honeymoon period and everything's amazing, so I can't really count as a genuine stat.

 

Going back to B he said that he won't apologise for how important sex is. Because to him it's a relationship within a relationship. It's the touching, the kissing, flirting, surreptitious glances and anticipation. I feel exactly the same. For me, it's a thread throughout all aspects of the relationship that ties you in, sometimes the thread stretches slightly and there can be some distance but intimately it brings you back together.

 

If there's no sex (through lack of interest, and by choice) at a basic level I see no point in having a partner. I can go on lovely holidays with my son, eat out with friends, jog at the running club, go to the cinema alone after work, but the only thing that is saved entirely for you and your loved one is sexual intimacy. Like B, I am surprised how many people 'manage' and hang in there.

 

It made me sad but also I thought of all the comments I've read on this board about how delusional the OW is for believing that MM is not sleeping with his wife. Definitely sometimes it's a lie but how tragic that there are so many relationships without that bond between the partners.

 

 

i find this thread curious will be interested to read the replies.When i have been in relationship with a partner i could trust i was always up for sex adn actually i practically have to walk in a partner cheatign to feel he is cheating ...one time my sister pointed out to me hey did you see the line of hickies on your partner i said no....i wasnt looking for them.i love being in a mutually trusting relationship i feel the sex is hot and i would not say no.....i enjoy making love adn the mor eyou do the more you know for th enext time.....that makes me a freak by the sound so fi t....i am interested in th ereplies here.....so i dotn feel so freaky.....hopefully mutually satisfying sex and making love often more than once a week is able to be a definite for most marriages....it would be a shame if it wasnt....missing out big time......deb

[Silly_Girl]

Now, some people can find other people with similar sex drives, or sexual intimacy needs, or whatever. But, if a woman finds that she is constantly batting off the sexual advances of her partner, then there is a problem... and it's not going to go away, it will only get worse. Not everyone has the same drive, but women should not be constantly denying their man's advances, that's not "just the way it is". That's a mismatch, big time, and it's going to cause problems. My exH didn't have nearly the drive that I do, we were mismatched in a lot of ways, but especially in that one. He was constantly turning me down for sex. It was frustrating, and annoying, and it was not a relationship that was meeting my relationship needs. ExMM and I are VERY similar in our drives, and that also helped cement our relationship and bond us. Neither of us is prudish, at all, and that's important, that people are similar in bed.

 

 

This reminded me that in my 4 serious relationships our sex drive and level of interest has been well-matched. Seems that's the only module of my Man Picker that was on form

 

Do we as a culture minimise the importance of being matched in this regard? Or do most relationships start off well, and life drains the energy and so many people (mainly women?) are left with a genuinely lowered libido? I am sure from chatting with friends that SOME of those relationships started out being aware of the difference. But other stuff - interests, sense of humour, tidiness, wanting kids/not, attitude to money - was further up the checklist.

[Silly_Girl]

...and yet there are a number of my friends who have complained that they would be more interested in sex but they had tons of resentment for their so's. I know for myself, that in my previous marriage resentment caused my sex drive to take a nose dive.

 

I experienced this definitely, albeit sporadically.

 

She said that he hadn't had much interest in it with her for a while. I'd say he was spreading himself a little bit too thin for a middle aged man.

 

Not funny per se, but this made me smile.

 

I think sometimes ow have little empathy for why the bs might not be interested in sex with mm. They don't see all the sides of him that a bs sees. Perhaps there is tons of resentment and anger lurking under the surface, one never knows.

 

Yes, I've never read threads and thought 'how mean of her to withhold sex - the witch! Any of us with life experience know that many times (not all, many) the change in activity will be a culmination of things and not because someone fancies being powerful.

 

Sure........there are people out there that just don't like it, have hangups and lose interest after the chase is over and the new wears off, but that happens with both sexes and is not exclusive to any sex or any group.

 

My personal opinion is that it's more prevalent in women, although I think mostly it's explainable if not justifiable.

[Silly_Girl]

Something little I found very sad... We spent the day with one of my boyfriend's oldest friends, and his wife and kids. We had the best time at the seaside, climbing rocks, throwing stones, running races etc. Boyfriend and I were stood at the water's edge and had briefly thrown our arms around each other as we talked. The youngest child (approx 5) approached us confused and said 'why are you two hugging?'.

 

Clearly there's not a great deal of hugging going on between mummy and daddy, who've been together 20 years since they were 15. It's none of my business, of course, but I am such a tactile person and physically crave affection that it seemed a shame for the adults that they don't seem to have that (my boyfriend's aware that physically things have deteriorated greatly since the kids), but also that those kids don't see affection as a regular part of being a couple - might that influence how their relationships are in future?

 

There's lots of problems couples have, I know. But most things I can imagine being able to approach practically and find ways forward, but if you don't like the thought of touching your partner, I wouldn't have thought there's much anyone can do to help you. It would be very lonely.

[Saba]

This is what I mean by changing the game in the middle of the marriage. This just is NOT fair to the partner, especially if they went into it while you were willing to do most anything. ExMM said that his stbxw was always "sort of a prude", but he was okay with that, cared enough about her to overlook that at that time. But as time progressed, and it became more and more ridiculous, and of course she refused to discuss it with him at all (omg), and then it just got to the point where he literally stopped trying. He told me multiple times that he would fake illness when she attempted to initiate anything bc he KNEW she was just doing it out of some odd sense of duty, and not bc she wanted to or enjoyed it, and he didn't get much pleasure from it anyway, so he just avoided even bothering. I think that is so effing sad for him and for her.

 

I have no idea what my libido will be like in 30 years, but I don't pretend to enjoy anything sexually that I don't. I think that's my biggest issue. When women pretend to like something, or willingly do it to "snag" a man, and then change it AFTER they have the marriage certificate. It's dishonest, and manipulative, and just so very unfair. And exMM and I together, through 7 years, dealt with some issues in that I had gained some weight and wasn't super excited about how I looked (a new issue for me, damn the 30s!). But he NEVER once made me feel uncomfortable or undesirable. I have lost the weight, and figured out how to keep it off (me vs. my aging metabolism, I win! lol), but even heavier, I was not cutting off things I know he loves, sexually.

 

This is what I mean about not trying in a relationship. If you aren't willing to be honest, and use sneaky tactics to "land" a man, then change it up on them... how the hell can you expect them to honor the contract you entered into with them? Bc you are NOT honoring that agreement at all in these cases. You are depriving them of the ONLY thing that separates your relationship with them from being just a friendship, and that's not intimacy, not SO intimacy.

 

Hmmmmmmmm well I find the sterotyping of the woman "trapping" a man somewhat offensive, but I will move on.....

 

Marriages are dynamic and because they extend over time I think that there will be times where the wife wants more sex than the husband and vice versa. I think if you could get an honest answer from a wide range of people in marriages everyone feels they do not get the sex they want at some stage of their relationships.

[j'adore]

Most men maturbate but that is no substitute for a normal sex life. Lack of communication and intimacy are definitely the reason for no sex. Knowing like i do, I realise that he probably wasnt getting it because of his lack of communication skills

 

Only in the latter part of my affair with MM did he admit that they actually find each other repulsive sexually. She is not physically attractive and does nothing to make herself so. I know that BS told some friends years ago that she was not interested in sex. My ex hardly ever kissed me (well he didn't) even during sex when things were starting to go wrong. He became only interested in the orgasm. Yuck.

 

When MM met me he told me he wanted the affection.

 

The first time we kissed (no sex) was absolutely explosive and neither of us will forget it. My head was totally gone afterwards. It was the best ever in my life, probably because I had gone ten years without a real kiss. And him about 20. I realise I fell in love with him long before we had an affair with him.

 

I cannot live without affection touching and kissing and I too and very tactile.

 

Something that I find is important when having sex, is that your partner has to want you, otherwise it is a complete turn off.

 

When we made love, or have sex, MM turns into someone possessed,he is so erotic, and that has continued for four years, even now after d day, he gets that look in his eye.

[Got it]

Based on my experience. My parents did not have sex that much and there was almost NO emotional connection/connection with them. My siblings and I thought that the few times in their multiple decade marriage that they held hands, cuddled, kissed, etc. It literally made our stomachs crawl it was so unnatural. I find that as adults when we discussed it how similar we all felt even though we never discussed it in the moment.

 

My marriage was not based on sex, it never had been. We had a relationship where we shared other intimacies but that was always an area that was lacking and not that good to begin with. It was a bigger issue than we realized but being as young as we were when we started, I would question who would break up with someone just because the sex was bad? I had a lot to learn. My ex and I just didn't have the same sex drive. I also stopped being attracted to him, didn't like the way he smelled, and since sex was over before it started, solo time was a much better option.

 

In dMM's case, they married because she got pregnant and they shared a child. They were okay until he felt she got very distant and stopped wanting sex. He finally stopped asking as she also got very angry about everything. He found out years later that she had an affair. They periodically had sex but, like in my marriage, it was more maintenance sex a few times a year. He turned to porn and taking care of things solo because he was tired of extending himself.

 

My brother and his wife have a small child. They have less time together now than before but from all accounts are pretty happy with every area of their lives.

 

With my relationship with dMM now. We have a good sex life though he would always like more. We both actively work every week to make sure we are trying to meet each other's physical and emotional needs. Life will impact my drive at times and stress can lower my sex drive. But we keep a pretty constant 2:1 ratio. It is a daily effort on both of our parts to continue to invest and replenish our emotional and physical needs as it is the foundation of our relationship.

[Els]

You, and I, and many others, will find sexual intimacy crucial to a romantic relationship. But different people want different things.. and who is to say who is right or wrong? You have a son, friends, family, etc, for everything else, but there are people who do not. I do know people who have stuck through sexless marriages because their partner and children were the world to them, and they couldn't bear the thought of taking the family apart and possibly not being granted custody of the children should they divorce. People who stuck through them because their partner is the only person they can trust to stay with them through illness, hardship, and their twilight years. People who stay in them because they need something so very badly, be it an escape from their poverty-ridden country, or just an escape from death by starvation for themselves and their families, or because duty to their families and vows meant more to them than personal gratification. And who can judge them? Certainly not you, or I.

[iris219]

I learned from my last relationship that just having sex doesn’t cut it. We had sex, but there was no intimacy. Just having sex doesn’t mean you’ll automatically forge a wonderful spiritual connection.

 

It makes me wonder how many couples are having sex like this—sex centered solely around completing a physical act, void of any emotional or real physical intimacy. Sex like this is more depressing than no sex at all.

 

I know couples who rarely have sex, and they have a better, more loving, more satisfying relationship than my ex and I did.

[j'adore]

can someone explain why this is on here when it was on married people's thread? I find it on both now??

[MissBee]

For me it raises the question of what is truly the foundation of your relationship and how do you address difficulties? Also, hearing one side of the story in a situation which is by definition made up of two people, can be iffy. It's not a matter of lies IMO, but perception. The person relaying their story most likely truly feels and sees things in the way they describe, but there is often the other side, and that is how the other person perceives things and how they feel...and lots of times it seems communication and being on the same page are missing in these relationships and the sexlessness is but one part of that lack, probably a contributing factor to the lack of sex and each of the partners don't seem to know and understand how the other feels. Often they both have failed to communicate and address the issue. By communicate I don't mean saying "I want more sex", communicate as in both people find out where the other is at and both people come together to work on a solution. Most seem to just make demands or simply retreat and not say anything or expect the person to "just know" and then they start confiding in other people not a part of the dynamic who cannot do anything to solve the problem for them.

 

I've never been in any really long term, 10 year plus relationships, so while I can say I always want sex and think I always will...I don't have kids and years upon years with one man and all that comes with it to know exactly how that will affect things. I cannot control for what will happen to my sex drive...but I can make my best effort to have a marriage built on love, respect and communication and feeding the relationship and meeting my partner's needs. AnotherRound mentioned relationships being about growth and change etc...that's true. If we marry at 27, at 57 things will most likely be very different, not necessarily better or worse, just different! Heck, I may want sex more at 57 than 27 But the point is that when I think of a life partner, I'm thinking of someone to ride the waves with, to grow and adapt with, who will have my back and me theirs and who if they are prioritizing anything in the relationship, it's not the sex, but the everything else that makes room for quality sex. I can almost bet that no relationship that suffers from sex issues is really just about the sex issues...

[carhill]

can someone explain why this is on here when it was on married people's thread? I find it on both now??

These are known as 'redirects', which means that a moderator or administrator has moved the thread to a different location and has left a link in the forum originally posted to direct readers to the new location.

Moved: Relationships and the sexless marriage (anecdotal)

 

'Moved' is the operative word. Hope that helps.

 

 

Topically, I've heard it all from MW's. There was a time when I believed it. Fortunately, that time is in the past. Reason: I had 'therapist eyes' or so I was told. So, I found different eyes. Works great.

Edited September 16, 2012 by carhill

[MissBee]

I learned from my last relationship that just having sex doesn’t cut it. We had sex, but there was no intimacy. Just having sex doesn’t mean you’ll automatically forge a wonderful spiritual connection.

 

It makes me wonder how many couples are having sex like this—sex centered solely around completing a physical act, void of any emotional or real physical intimacy. Sex like this is more depressing than no sex at all.

 

I know couples who rarely have sex, and they have a better, more loving, more satisfying relationship than my ex and I did.

 

Beautiful! My post was along the same lines.

 

I truly do not believe complaints about sexless marriages is just about sex but often is a symptom of other issues.

 

Sex for sex sake, if you make it your religion to give it to your spouse everyday or once a week like clockwork, as you said, doesn't make the relationship good or necessarily forges a deep spiritual or intimate connection.

 

I truly believe that the intimate connection and the rest of the marriage atmosphere is what helps or hinders sex, and like you said, I imagine some couples, well into their golden years who are happy aren't necessarily having sex all the time.

 

Affection for me is a lot more important than sex. Affection is me feeling you love and cherish and want me...not you want to have sex with me. My ex couldn't get this. In the beginning he would hug me all the time, kiss me, hold my hand and touch me in a LOVING not sexual manner and that made me want to jump his bones lol. Later on he'd only touch me it seems when he wanted some and couldn't get why it was offensive to me! It made me feel used. I imagine that couples that manage to maintain genuine affection and emotionally intimacy where they can touch non-sexually and just genuinely do little things to make the other feel loved and wanted probably have more sex or don't get up in arms when the sex wanes as they have other satisfactory things to make up for it.

 

For me, cuddling up to my man and having him play in my hair, put his arms around my waist, talk to me, kiss my forehead, kiss my nose, stuff that isn't foreplay or about him trying to get some etc. turns me on every time lol. But even outside of that, us doing that makes us connect so much and I feel sooooooooo satisfied when I'm doing that...no penetration or orgasm needed. Those are great too but I've had empty sex and empty orgasms and afterwards just wanted to go home or be left alone, but if I'm spooning with my man, clothes on and we're close together and I feel he is so comfortable and happy, trust me, that makes my heart swell and makes me sooooooo much more in love, committed and satisfied than just the act of us having sex. I wonder about these sexless marriages if the couples are even affectionate? I'd bet they aren't, as you can't fake affection, you can have sex as a chore or just to get off, but you can't really fake being affection. Chances are things have degraded where they don't want to be affectionate and then that leads into no sex but then the no sex is highlighted as THE problem. I think recovering sex usually includes recovering affection and often times affection is lost when there are other resentments and issues that need to also be addressed so that you can genuinely add more affection into your relationship.

Edited September 16, 2012 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

silly girl I must ask how it is you get into such inappropriate sexual conversations with workmates? These conversations, in my opinion, are not conversations that should be had with people we work with and crosses many boundaries. I wonder one what kind of vibe you put off that these men find it appropriate to discuss their intimate sex lives with you and 2 what kind of boundaries you possess to allow these conversations to occur with workmates. probably the same boundaries that allowed you to have an affair with a married man. that is what you should be examining instead of others marriages.

 

In 7+ hours of conversations in an enclosed space that was just one aspect and one I was interested in sharing. If you read it properly you will see none of us discussed intimate details of our own lives but talked about other relationships we were aware of that seemed quite unnatural to us. Don't you worry yourself about me, Kristi, I'm just fine

[Silly_Girl]

Topically, I've heard it all from MW's. There was a time when I believed it. Fortunately, that time is in the past. Reason: I had 'therapist eyes' or so I was told. So, I found different eyes. Works great.

 

Sorry Carhill, I couldn't tell... Are you saying that those who claim to have s sexless marriage are lying? And if so, what benefit is there to be had of telling a parent, sibling or same-sex best pal you're upset about the fact you haven't had sex for years? There's zero chance of gettin' some as a result of an admission of that kind.

[Silly_Girl]

It's shocking to me you told these workmates that you had an affair with a married man. you basically let it be known that yes you are willing to cross that boundary.

 

Kristi, you have no clue what relationship I have with my team or my peers, and you also don't know what I actually said. You don't know the context of the conversation, how/why it came about and you don't know the first thing about the people I was with. You are pretty far off but I imagine it suits you that way, so knock yourself out

[Got it]

I have a sad feeling that the women at your workplace do not respect you and giggle about you behind their backs. You probably think they are just jealous of you...

 

Giggle? I guess there are different workplaces but I am not aware of much giggling happening with the women in my workplace.

 

 

 

I do not discuss personal business at all as much as I can avoid it. I am not in a position to try and relate to others at that level nor is that a comfort level for me. Because of some of the interworkings at my job, some of my personal life is known/discussed but I tend to stay mute on it as much as possible/polite.

 

My work persona and my real persona are not the same thing and I have little reason to try and bring my real life persona to work. I don't discuss weekends, holidays, family, personal interests, etc much if at all. If it is not about the job at hand I have no reason to discuss.

[Silly_Girl]

Giggle? I guess there are different workplaces but I am not aware of much giggling happening with the women in my workplace.

 

 

 

I do not discuss personal business at all as much as I can avoid it. I am not in a position to try and relate to others at that level nor is that a comfort level for me. Because of some of the interworkings at my job, some of my personal life is known/discussed but I tend to stay mute on it as much as possible/polite.

 

My work persona and my real persona are not the same thing and I have little reason to try and bring my real life persona to work. I don't discuss weekends, holidays, family, personal interests, etc much if at all. If it is not about the job at hand I have no reason to discuss.

 

I have had that in some workplaces, currently I have 2 people I have to work with very closely, they see some of the real me, but they're definitely the only ones. Some places I've worked it's been lonely due to being the only person in that specific niche at that specific level. It's definitely a personal preference thing, I think. When I was younger I was FIERCELY private, and I don't think it helped me much.

[Got it]

I think it depends on company, department, position, etc. It also may depend on how many peers one has in their company compared to subordinates and/or supervisors. When I was younger and more entry level I was more open with my boss, etc. about my personal life. As I have made my way up the chain into a position of leadership, too much information is never helpful. I observe and listen to others but I only disclose to a select few.

 

Having an engagement ring on my finger has made things very awkward as I have a personal item out in public. Lol, I even considered not wearing it. Not because I am ashamed of it, literally because I do not want to discuss changes or events in my personal life and it opens the door. So I just acknowledge, say thank you and ask them a question about themselves to turn it back off of me. I have found that maybe being female people expect you to discuss these things, kids, etc and so find it off putting that there is just the pregnant pause.

 

So any information I have discussed with someone about their personal lives has to do with my position or a conversation I don't want to be in. The rest of my company is more open, and the owners will discuss with others, I am just not comfortable. Even my subordinates, I REALLY don't need to know the nitty gritty, just tell me you are having issues and need time off. I don't need to know all the ends and outs. I have one subordinate, older, and she is like a darn sieve! Funny enough, her story would fall into this topic as she did have a poor marriage and was a 2x BS (and trust me I know WAY more about her life than I ever cared to know! She gives TMI all the time, it is crazy!). Her ex is a real a** and miserable human being. I have found, and this is just my personal experience/observation, that older individuals tend to blur the lines more than the younger counterparts (30-40s). Those in the 50+ range seem to be more comfortable discussing personal issues more. I am not sure why, assumed it was a generational element. I know of one other who is older 40s and he complains all the time. But that is who he is personal and work, a gossiper and untrustworthy. I limit my time around him as much as possible and when I do just listen and make sympathetic noises to move things along. But yeah, one who will give you TMI about his home life. Ugh.

[Radagast]

My relationship with my ex-wife was sexless prior to my affair. We were not communicating and lacked intimacy in other ways, so sex would have felt unnatural to me. My ex-wife had never been a sexual person throughout the marriage although during our affair she had offered herself to me sexually and I had mistakenly thought that that was how it was going to be. From what she described of her first marriage, she was never able to become aroused with her first husband either, and from what my son overheard, the boyfriend she briefly had after I left her was unable to interest her sexually either. It has been suggested by friends who have known her for decades that she's just not into men. I think there may be truth in that.

[MissBee]

Giggle? I guess there are different workplaces but I am not aware of much giggling happening with the women in my workplace.

 

 

 

I do not discuss personal business at all as much as I can avoid it. I am not in a position to try and relate to others at that level nor is that a comfort level for me. Because of some of the interworkings at my job, some of my personal life is known/discussed but I tend to stay mute on it as much as possible/polite.

 

My work persona and my real persona are not the same thing and I have little reason to try and bring my real life persona to work. I don't discuss weekends, holidays, family, personal interests, etc much if at all. If it is not about the job at hand I have no reason to discuss.

 

I'm pretty much the same way. I have polite conversation but I've never actually bonded with my coworkers over discussions of sex and relationships, especially not my own. But that's just my personal preference.