Bachelor party lie...more lies...lies lies lies

[stace779]

My fiance and I have been together now for 2 1/2 hrs. We are suppose to be getting married in 20 days. Lond story short, we have a great relationship at least in my eyes. Recently some issues have came up that I am not sure what to think

 

1. I have found porn on the computer - not really too big of an issue except we were not really having sex as much and I don't know if that's why???

 

2. I recently found adult personals cookies on our computer. (I was just curious if he was looking at porn) I was out all night for a friends bachelorette party (the first time I have not been home) and what do you know. . . he's up to no good

 

3. I have no idea of how this even came up but he asked the question whether or not I'd be ok if he hung out with another girl if I were away on vacation or something...and asked if giving a foot rub would be exceptable (mind you I really don't even get foot rubs, he only has 1 girl that he's friends with since college) - I guess I just though this was really wierd. There are no girls he hangs out with - so who / why would he ask this??? We are together always, and the girl the only girl he's friends with is my friend also ( I don't think anything is going on with her at all ) we always hang out together. Just wondering what's up with the wierd question.

 

4. THe BACHELOR party lie - this is the most recent episode. His bachelor party was a 3 day party over labor day weekend.

. I asked if he had a stripper and he said yes, that she took her clothes off, danced around, and not much more. He said she did not take her bottoms off. . .

Then, I check his email ( only because something in my gut was telling me too, and I felt like I had to follow my gut, and that is the only reason ) Guess what I find... an email from his friends (actually it was a reply) his email to them was nowhere to be found. His email to them said By the way, I told her some about the stripper but I told her that she only went topless and she mostly just danced around and crap like that. I

just want to make sure everyone's story is straight, in case anyone asks. And his friends and brothers replies were typical...what stripper? yeah there was a stripper etc... but one of his friends replies really bothered me and said If you guys would have seen Sunday night, you would've thought it was John himself!!!!!!

I noticed he deleted all of these emails. Maybe because he knew he gave me his password and I might check?? He basically denied everything and said he wanted to see if I'd check his email I highly doubt he would go through all of the effort to "set me up" but if he did it's even worse. I don't belive that he set me up and brought all of his friends into this "let's set Jennifer up game". What do you think? What do you think I should do? Here is is 20 days from our wedding and I can only sit here and continue planning this wedding with this sick feeling in my gut.

 

I feel like I've been taken advantage of, lied to, etc and don't know if I should be marrying this man or not. I don't know what he is doing behind my back, he denies everything. He makes me happy, but are these signs of a dead end marriage? All I'm saying is that love is blind - I don't want to be blinded by red flags. I don't know if I'm over reacting.

[directx]

The issues:

 

1. Porn - that depends. You might be right. I like porn for learning, honestly. For me, I don't think any amount of porn replaces the real thing.

You should talk to him about it without embarrasing him

 

2. Adult Personals? Egad!!! You can hit those by accident getting the porn though. THat is a STRONG possibility (thats why I suggest one get all their porn VIA newsgroups...its 10 times better and FREE)

 

3. Hung out with some other girl? Is he nuts? No. Call me old fashioned, that does NOT fly. I think you have trouble here.

 

4. 3 day bachelor party? Honey, I have to think it was wall to wall sex. I am not joking.

 

5. Email deletion? He's hiding something I have to guess.

 

I sound like an old lady and all the guys will probably hate me, but I wouldn't even bother with a bachelor party these days. If I'm nuts about the girl, I wouldn't even bother. Maybe a visit to a commercial strip club and thats it.

 

This is ALL MY OPINION, giving what you said.

[stace779]

directx

 

Thanks so much for your reply. In regards to the 3 day party. He had no more time off because of our honeymoon so since Labor Day was on Monday, he drove down to charleston, SC with his friend ( they spend all day Friday driving) and Saturday night was the "big" night, But his brother also had a huge party on Sunday night, then they spent all day monday driving home.

 

I truly don't know what to think. We are together everyday, on an everday basis he does not give me any reason to worry, he comes home everyday does not go to bars, ever. He says he has his woman and has no need to go to bars. We are together on weekends doing whatever, movie, dinner, race track, etc and he seem to really enjoy my company.

 

that's why this is so hard to believe what the heck happened. i told him before he left I didn't want her taking her panties off and said if she does what will you do and he said he would tell her to stop. So did she just take her panties off, or did she give him a b job or something serious?

[directx]

You will never know! That's the rub! And no one is going to tell you either!

The clarification on the trip helped. Probably just a one night thing.

 

The deleting of email messages bothers me though.

I bet he created a new email account using either hotmail, gmail, myway, or countless others.

 

I know how guys sneak around computer wise. I don't know if I should cough up some info...

[Krytellan]

THE ISSUE:

 

All you know how to do is snoop. Have you told him how invasive and disrespectful you are of his privacy? Something tells me with the snooping you do you wouldn't be happy unless you did find something to complain about.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but I just can't accept intense snooping... you went cookie hunting... do you realize how obsessive of a behavior that is?

[Road Rage]

stacy779

 

The real issue here is the foot rub thingy with the other girl. Huge red flag. Do Not marry him.

 

At least not for a long friggn` time anyway. Cetainly not in 20 days.

[directx]

THE ISSUE:

 

All you know how to do is snoop. Have you told him how invasive and disrespectful you are of his privacy? Something tells me with the snooping you do you wouldn't be happy unless you did find something to complain about.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but I just can't accept intense snooping... you went cookie hunting... do you realize how obsessive of a behavior that is?

 

You know, you may have a point. Even be right.

But she found something! So I am on her side.

Plus, deleting emails is suspicious behavior.

If he has had previous suspiciious behavior, she is justified.

 

Marrying someone can make or break your life. Don't take it likely.

[Krytellan]

Marrying someone can make or break your life. Don't take it likely.

 

That's the important thing Stace. I had several opportunities to listen to my better judgment before marrying and I didn't. I was separated and embarassed about it 20 months later. It doesn't all magically get better with marriage. It may seem too late to turn back, but even the mess that would cause beats the drain and pain of divorce.

[allina]

Did you set boundaries for the bachelor arty in advance? Did he promise certain things, like that the stripper would only be topless? I think that by being suspicious and snooping you put him in a position where he feels like he has to hide all the details.

 

About porn on on the computer, I never understood why this is an issue.

 

Have you talked to him about the lack of sex? I'm sorry but your relationship sounds unstable to me, I hope you can get it back on track before the wedding day.

 

Also can I ask how old you both are? It sounds like a very young marriage.

[mental_traveller]

THE ISSUE:

 

All you know how to do is snoop. Have you told him how invasive and disrespectful you are of his privacy? Something tells me with the snooping you do you wouldn't be happy unless you did find something to complain about.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but I just can't accept intense snooping... you went cookie hunting... do you realize how obsessive of a behavior that is?

 

This is insane - her fiance is cheating on her and trying to cover his tracks, and you criticise *her*? Snooping is wrong if unprovoked, but if there's legitimate strong suspicion (which there clearly is here) then it's 100% justified. And to criticise it is one thing, but to call her obsessive? How dare you!!

 

To the original poster - he is cheating on you and probably got at least a naked lap dance from the stripper, maybe a BJ or even more. He also probably has the hots for this other chick. If you don't call off the wedding then you are really going to regret it for the next 10 years until you finally get divorced.

[Ocean-Blue]

All any of us can do is speculate on the situation. We do not know you or him...so take everything that is said here as food for thought...

 

You MUST talk to this guy. Figure out what the heck is going on. Dig further if you have to, but find out what is up. If you are marrying him in 20 days and have such glaring doubts about his commitment to you, there is something wrong.

 

So rather than sit there and wonder what is going on, approach him and ask him what is up.

 

This is you future. Take control now before you find yourself legally bound to someone you don't want to be with.

[norajane]

3. I have no idea of how this even came up but he asked the question whether or not I'd be ok if he hung out with another girl if I were away on vacation or something...and asked if giving a foot rub would be exceptable (mind you I really don't even get foot rubs, he only has 1 girl that he's friends with since college) - I guess I just though this was really wierd. There are no girls he hangs out with - so who / why would he ask this??? We are together always, and the girl the only girl he's friends with is my friend also ( I don't think anything is going on with her at all ) we always hang out together. Just wondering what's up with the wierd question.

 

That would upset me...footrubs? He's being very specific about a hypothetical question, isn't he? I mean, why footrubs?

 

Did you ask him why he was asking you this question?

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Porn? Ok, I can see that as a 'thorn in the side' issue.

 

2. Adult personals? I would bet he has profiles up, you just haven't found them yet. People might browse one out of curiosity - I've looked at AdultFriendFinder and AshleyMadison before with no intent of doing anything except looking at what they are all about. I once browsed Yahoo personals in my area just to see what sort of guys around here would post up a profile, and if I knew any of them. I certainly didn't have cheating on my boyfriend in mind. But several adult sites like that on a consistent basis? You only do that for one reason: to check your profile and see who is sending you messages and 'winks', and reply back to them.

 

3. Take it from a former big time cheat. You only ask 'hypothetical' questions like this when you've already done the deed, and want to feel out what sort of response you'll get should you get caught. If he continues, and you didn't catch him the first time - he'll simply deny that anything happened before you gave him permission. If you do catch him, he will angrily remind you that you gave him permission (of course, while denying that he already did it without your knowledge). Your guy knows quite a bit about manipulation and lying. He's pulled that one off like a charm. Note you are focusing on the fact that you don't know of any girl he would be with, while completely losing sight of the fact that said girl has already been interacting with him. My guess, anyway based on what you have posted about him.

 

4. Ah... the bachelor party. And a three day one at that! You can bet every penny you have that he had some sort of sexual interaction with either strippers, or girls that he and his buddies picked up while barhopping. I know some strippers personally, and have plenty of male friends who are quite frank about what goes on at bachelor parties. For the right price, you get whatever you want, and it won't be prancing around in panties and no top. They are full service prostitutes, for the right price. Your fiance pulled another classic cheater move: finding some way to turn this on you, and make it your fault. Again, he pulled it off like a charm, because on some level you still believe his story.

 

I don't even have to address the erasing of the history/emails part. Any seasoned cheat does that. Heck, even the noob cheaters do that - at least the ones who don't want to get caught. You want to know what is going on with his computer? Get yourself a keylogger. I bet you'd be surprised at what you see. Just be careful - never, even go looking for something if you don't think you can handle what you might find.

 

It would be interesting to see how he would react if you told him that you would marry him on one condition: that he submitted to a lie detector test. If you are good at bluffing, you could really make him sweat and squirm. He would bluster, rage, yell, pretty much everything except actually take the test. You know why? I think its pretty clear why.

 

I wouldn't suggest marrying this guy. Breaking up with him would be dodging a lifetime of bullets. The cheating is pretty bad, but that daily lying and manipulation will wear you down. Marrying him will be like starting out slow and tapering off.

[lindya]

This is insane - her fiance is cheating on her and trying to cover his tracks, and you criticise *her*? Snooping is wrong if unprovoked, but if there's legitimate strong suspicion (which there clearly is here) then it's 100% justified. And to criticise it is one thing, but to call her obsessive? How dare you!!

 

Harshly worded, but I have to agree.

 

When you get a dodgy instinct about someone who's important to you, you don't instantly say "I've got a bad feeling, so the relationship's over." Instead, you investigate that suspicion a bit. You can do that by talking to the person. Problem is that unless they have the maturity and emotional intelligence to hear your concerns without throwing out "you're insecure" jibes, that might not pan out too well. They might even use the expression of your concerns as a licence to cheat, then blame you for it.

 

So to cut out all that potentially harmful (to you) crap, I say snoop. There are probably millions of men out there who feel that they have a great marriage, and are convinced their wives trust them 100% because they don't ask questions which could be construed as mistrustful. They don't need to. If the wives have a suspicion, they check it out by discreet investigation - thus preserving their husband's pristine image of them, while avoiding the dangers of burying one's head in the sand. This is maybe one of the many reasons why our parents' and grandparents' marriages lasted. We're all so open, healthy and balanced these days...yet so many of us are alone. How did that happen?!

 

Snooping doesn't mean giving yourself free rein to rifle through everything personal and private to your partner. It just means investigating those things that seem to have a red flag attached to them. Then, if you find out something that confirms your suspicions, you can make an educated decision about what to do with the relationship, or how much trust you want to continue investing in that person.

[vivi]

So many red flags I don't know where to begin.Do NOT let the momentum of the wedding party stampede you into a marriage with mistrust. This man will not be faithful to you and you know just enough now to torture yourself about his future actions. Don't do this to yourself. Go to the Infidelity board and look at what your future could hold....and you're deluding yourself if you think this will go away once you've got the ring. Cheaters are very creative in their cover stories.

[sally4sara]

 

 

4. Ah... the bachelor party. And a three day one at that! You can bet every penny you have that he had some sort of sexual interaction with either strippers, or girls that he and his buddies picked up while barhopping. I know some strippers personally, and have plenty of male friends who are quite frank about what goes on at bachelor parties. For the right price, you get whatever you want, and it won't be prancing around in panties and no top. They are full service prostitutes, for the right price. Your fiance pulled another classic cheater move: finding some way to turn this on you, and make it your fault. Again, he pulled it off like a charm, because on some level you still believe his story.

 

 

I WAS a stripper for 2 and a half years. I worked bachelor parties. Yes, we had plenty of requests for more than just the dancing, but neither I or any of the girls I worked with provided more than dancing. I was offered extra money from $50 to $10,000 for anything from a naked massage to full on sex and turned it down flat. Most agencies and clubs will fire your ass over that and strippers make waaayyyy too much money to risk it for some jerk who wants to betray some poor girl wanting to marry them! What good is even $500 dollars for something illegal going to be against the $2000 a week she can make indefinately anyway?

 

Likely, the show started, all his friends were whooping it up and even if he was wanting to honor your wishes, he had three days of them to get through. He didn't want to "ruin" everyone else's good time and catch a bunch of flack from them. So to not be a downer, he let the show go on as it would and asked them all to pay him back by making sure you didn't find out. He is so worried you will that he is further covering his tracks by deleting emails. Guys are way more about avoidance tactics than anything else. Its almost like they'd rather die than have you mad at them and hurt, esp if big plans are coming up.

 

The foot message thing......that sounds sneaky. I would need to know him better to suss that one out.

 

The personal sites; an above poster is correct, you get better access to porn if you join some of them and some sites do pop up personal sites affiliated with them.

[woodsfield]

4. 3 day bachelor party? Honey, I have to think it was wall to wall sex. I am not joking.

 

i had a three day bachelor party and there was no "wall to wall sex". just a bunch of booze, laying on the beach getting a really bad sun burn (perfect for the wedding next week), a casino boat trip (where i actually made money) and a short, very blurry trip to one strip club that was full of bikers; seriously...the whole place was wall to wall "Georgia Outlaws".

 

more humourous than sexual. not all guys need one "last stand".

 

i don't know about this guy, but he seems a bit suspicious.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I've known legit strippers, I've known strippers who were legit, but would accept cash in exchange for blow jobs or hand jobs in the "private room" of the club (and yes, the owners had a "what we don't know won't hurt us" policy in one of those clubs), and I've known legit strippers who kept it legit in the club and prostituted on the side - including off site bachelor parties. There's no telling if this one was above board, below board, or simply an escort and not just a stripper.

 

None of that really matters though - what matters is that it was not a simple matter of dancing around in her panties, and the fact that he felt compelled to lie about it and have all of his friends lie about it too suggests that he wasn't hiding just a simple bottomless dance either.

[woodsfield]

and asked if giving a foot rub would be exceptable (mind you I really don't even get foot rubs, he only has 1 girl that he's friends with since college) - I guess I just though this was really wierd.

 

sorry...missed the foot massage part....not exceptable!

 

just watch "Pulp Fiction" and see the scene where Jules Winfield and Vince Vega have the discussion about whether or not foot massages mean anything.

 

if you haven't seen it; would a guy give another guy a foot massage? me thinks, HELL NO!

[stace779]

Wow. Well I don't snoop for the fun of it. I found Porn internet history by accident and wanted to see how often he was looking at it, especially because at the time we were not having sex that often (still once a week) but compared to two or three times and I was trying to figure out if that had anything to do with. . . He said that he's never been to adult personals website that it was most likely a pop up. now, my guy friend did say that it's possible it was a pop up but i think it's strange the "night i'm gone" their are cookies of fling.com adultfriendfinder.com and cams.com and if they were pop ups their would be some internet history which there was not. So was it an intense night of looking at porn and he deleted all of the history and the adult personals were pop ups or was he looking on there - I don't think he has a profile on any of those sites.

 

He has never given me a reason to think he's cheating on me - like i said we are always together he talks on the phone in front of me and does not leave the house to run around or anything like that and that's why i'm having a hard time with this. Maybe he just has a porn addiction ( i know his dad does) but my guy friends have all told me that all guys look at porn.

 

The question about giving a girl a footrub - that really bothers me. And it might be that it already happened but when? There are no girls that he's friends with other than the one and I know nothing is going on with them. I imagine though that if it happened the girl would be calling him and they would be hanging out - and this is not the case. So it was a strange question.

 

I'm really torn. He treats me like a queen, he's very into me, makes me feel really special and he is a good guy. I'd like to think he did not cheat on me at his bachelor party but it bothers me that he lied about it.

[norajane]

The question about giving a girl a footrub - that really bothers me. And it might be that it already happened but when? There are no girls that he's friends with other than the one and I know nothing is going on with them. I imagine though that if it happened the girl would be calling him and they would be hanging out - and this is not the case. So it was a strange question.

 

He mentioned vacation. When was the last time you were away, like for a weekend or business trip or vacation? When was the last time he was away?

 

He's done this. No one asks if you would be ok if he gave footrubs to some other women unless he's done it. He doesn't need to have a steady girl for that - he could pick someone up in a bar and give her a footrub that night at her place, among other things. Or maybe it's someone from work, and they got a little cozy at some point when you weren't around.

[stace779]

The stripper came to his brothers bar. His brother owns a bar in SC and I guess the stripper came at 8. he said that she said it was her first time - which is most likely a lie. And, i guess there was suppose to be another stripper but she got in a car wreck.

 

So what I'm hearing is that the question about a foot rub - not innocent and that most likely he messed around on me at his bachelor party... why would he want to marry me if he wants to do these things?

[stace779]

What if he is innocent? Am I throwing away something that might be the worst decision? how will i know for sure if i don't have proof? I'm so torn

 

If he treated me badly it would be a completely different story but he doesn't. We have been peas in a pod since day 1

[stace779]

sally4sara - Do all guys want more than just dancing? What percentage of guys would you say cheat at their own bachelor party?

[directx]

When I went. I never wanted more than dancing and i would never sleep with a stripper.

I never really heard about any of my friends do that either (though I am sure it happens)