ImKris Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 OK LS Advisors, Newest problem and I need your expertise ASAP! Since reading the journal and having everything out in the open, things have been progressing nicely between my daughter and me. I went to the book store and purchased a real journal along with a pen and some chocolates. I gave them to her and let her know that I believe in journal writing and I believe in the privacy of a journal. I let her know that had I known the notebook that was left WIDE open on her bed was her personnal journal, I would have closed it and left it alone. Now that I know what her journal looks like, I will leave it alone. However, what is ...IS and from now on she should consider herself not trusted. She agreed to this and accepted the book with a hug, kiss and thank you. Well, Two days ago my daughter asks me what my schedule is because I just started a new job and the training hours are crazy. I let her know that I'm working late on Wednesday but that I'm off on Thursday. I ask her why she wants to know. She says she was just curious and I ask why and she says she just is. I tell her as she slinks back upstairs that she better not make any plans without discussing them with me or her father first and she says OK. Well I am not up for five minutes this am (Thursday) when she drops on me that she is bringing the boy home today off the bus and that we are going to dinner with him so that we can get to know him. (The BOY is the one that a couple of weeks ago I learned that my daughter is obsessed with and he's a loser messing with my girl plus another girl on the side. I learned this because I found a notebook that I presumed was a school notebook and it turned out to be a journal which blew my mind and changed my little girl into a little woman in ten minutes.) I looked at my husband and ask him since when are we TOLD and not asked? He said he thought I knew and that he was sorry he missed the bus on this one. What the HELL am I suppose to say to this kid when he walks through my door this afternoon!?! I am so P.Oed it isn't even funny! PLEASE All ADVISE IS NEEDED ASAP!!!! Please! I can't stand that she dropped this on me and walked out the door to school! She friggin' gets away with this every time and I've had it! I always feel like she puts me on the spot and there's not a damn thing I can do about it! Well by GOD there is something I can do and I am hoping someone will be able to let me know what they think it should be. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Don't make dinner for him, don't take him out to meet him. This is crap. You're the parent. She doesn't dictate the rules and plans, or does she? Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Easy, tell your daughter to reschedule since she didn't even bother to tell you. Tell her, she has to ask for BOTH your permissions, not just her dads. Even better, tell her YOU will decide when you want to meet the boy and that you will let her know, if ever. Tell her, last time you checked, you were the parent. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
jade_nc Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 i don't have teenagers, so maybe i'm totally off base with this.....but it seems to me that this is YOUR home. You are allowed to determine who visits, and when. i think if you allow your daughter to dictate to you when she's going to have a guest and what your plans with that guest will be for the evening, then you aren't being her parent. as far as what to say to him - tell him like it is, make sure that your daughter hears your explanation as well....and then take him home. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Honestly, I'd say that meeting this boy is more important than your daughters lack of consideration. You can teach her how to be more mindful of others another time. Meet this boy. Link to post Share on other sites
lexnmike4enomore Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 I agree with Tiki and Bronze. It seems like she knows she can tell you what to do since you don't put your foot down and tell HER that you can't cook for him tonight. When she told you that, you should have said you had plans and since your daughter didn't tell you, that she needs to ASK you when the next convenient time to have him over for dinner. Seems like she's the one wearing the pants in the mother/daughter relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImKris Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Don't make dinner for him, don't take him out to meet him. This is crap. You're the parent. She doesn't dictate the rules and plans, or does she? That's just IT! She drops this kind of crap on me at the last minute. After she told me she literally walked out the door to school, there was no time to discuss it, no time to tell her that this wasn't going to happen today. Now I'm stuck with this boy coming to my house and WHAT!?! I would have prevented it if I could have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImKris Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by lexnmike4enomore I agree with Tiki and Bronze. It seems like she knows she can tell you what to do since you don't put your foot down and tell HER that you can't cook for him tonight. When she told you that, you should have said you had plans and since your daughter didn't tell you, that she needs to ASK you when the next convenient time to have him over for dinner. Seems like she's the one wearing the pants in the mother/daughter relationship. Listen, She got away with manipulating me this A.M. I know this. Thats why I need your advise, please give me advise on how you think I should handle this afternoonwhen they get off the bus and walk into our home. All is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 The only way to know what your daughter is doing is by knowing her friends. I honestly think you're going to make a big mistake if you shut this dinner thing down because you're angry at her lack of consideration. This is the first chance for you to meet him and you're going to allow her inconsiderate attitude to override reason? Teach her manners another time when you don't have to sacrifice meeting him. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by ImKris Listen, She got away with manipulating me this A.M. I know this. Thats why I need your advise, please give me advise on how you think I should handle this afternoonwhen they get off the bus and walk into our home. All is appreciated. At dinner, explain to both of them that while he is welcome to come for dinner, it would be appreciated that notice is given in advance. Explain that telling you the morning of is unacceptable. Explain that the next time they both plan an event together, if further notification isn't provided, then the event will be canceled. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 I understand that you will royally embarass her if she does bring this boy from school, on the bus. Soooo, seeing that you can't do squat to cancel the plans, or that you didn't speak up this morning when she barked out the orders (because it would've taken half a second to say "NO!")....you may just want to have him for dinner. Then when he leaves, have a L-O-N-G extensive talk about who makes the rules, who's the parent. I'd even go as far as to say to her that this was done because you realized how sh*tty it'd be to force him out of the home. But next time, she needs to give you more notice and ASK. Sheesh! Link to post Share on other sites
lexnmike4enomore Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 If its not to late, tell her that you have plans tonight and that she is going to have to reschedule. Tell her that you life doesnt revolve around her plans that she drops on you the last minute. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by ImKris OK LS Advisors, I learned this because I found a notebook that I presumed was a school notebook and it turned out to be a journal which blew my mind and changed my little girl into a little woman in ten minutes stop trying to make it seem so innocent. if you read the journal, you read the journal. [i looked at my husband and ask him since when are we TOLD and not asked? i remember saying this to you the first time you posted, and you had some sort of excuse. i don't know what to tell you, but it doesn't seem like this is a new problem. who are you worried about pissing off? the boy? your daughter? you should be more concerned with how she acts towards you and find a way to stop it. i am sure the boy can eat elsewhere. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by ImKris Listen, She got away with manipulating me this A.M. I know this. Thats why I need your advise, please give me advise on how you think I should handle this afternoonwhen they get off the bus and walk into our home. All is appreciated. Don't wait till the afternoon. Do this, call her school and ask to speak to her. Tell her what I said before and hang up before she can say anything. If she has the gall to still show up with the boy this afternoon, kindly tell the boy to go home and sit your daughter down, WITH your husband, and have a long talk with her. Speak to your husband after you call your daughter at school. Tell him that he needs to get involved too. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by ImKris Now I'm stuck with this boy coming to my house Use that to your advantage if its something that can't be avoided. You won't solve this problem by avoiding it or restricting your daughter from seeing him. I'm not saying be permissive and accepting - I'm saying get yourself on the inside and tackle it from that angle. Gather up as much information as possible. Tell the kid you want to meet/talk to his parents. Get yourself all into it and ask, ask, ask. Your daughter laid this unfairly at your feet. I expect she thinks you'll reject it, get angry and in turn give her all the 'justification' she needs to continue being sullen, angry, disrespectful and secretive with you. Just be very, very, very interested. The type of thing it sounds like she has going on with this boy doesn't flourish well with maximum parental involvement. As for what to do at this very moment, if you can pull it off in enough time - is there any way you can get this kid's parent's number? I'd be calling and saying "Hi, this is Girl's mom - I just wanted to let you know that I won't be able to have Boy over this evening since we have other things planned. Would you mind letting Boy know if you get a chance to talk to him today and maybe we can set it up another time?" Also, make that call Bronzepen mentioned to your daughter. Between one or both of those phone calls, maybe you can put off this evening's visit and start setting up a gameplan to tackle it from the inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImKris Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 Pocky and L, and everyone else who posted, Thank you! You have narrowed down how I need to look at this and deal with it. I went to my new office today and picked up an application response form! LOL I'm going to revamp the questions and slide them into our conversations. I am going to let this boy have dinner with us. My daughter is actually going to be the one to treat! I just pulled $ from her savings account. I can't wait to thank her. Because god knows I didn't have a chance to budget going out to dinner this week. I plan to use the hours he is with us to ask him about himself, his likes and dislikes, school, sports, etc. I'll let him bury himself. Then when we take him home, I will have a talk with my daughter about respect and dropping crap on me when I'm not even awake! Thats been a problem since birth! We've been so lax with her because she's never given us concern til now. It's like she turned fourteen and life has been hell ever since. My husband and I need to be more firm and more involved with her. They should be here in about twenty minutes. Cross your fingers for me. I'll post outcome. Thanks for all advice!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by ImKris It's like she turned fourteen and life has been hell ever since. Mom? Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by ImKris My daughter is actually going to be the one to treat! I just pulled $ from her savings account. I can't wait to thank her. Because god knows I didn't have a chance to budget going out to dinner this week. Perfect! That was clever! Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Perfect! That was clever! very clever... but if this girl wants to see this boy so badly that she's bullying you around about it and lying and being disrespectful... if she really going to care about the money? i'm serious, i don't know what she's like with her money, so maybe she'll be pissed...but maybe it won't make a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 When I was fourteen the world revolved around me. It wasn't about bullying my mother (or anyone else) or trying to be the boss - it really was that I was oblivious to anyone else but myself. I can't imagine that I, much like this girl, am the exception to the rule of how fourteen year old girls act. While I maintain the idea that she should confront the daughter and point out why she was inconsiderate, I don't understand why some appear to be so shocked and irritated at the behavior of this girl. My mother still tells me that once I turned fourteen I turned into a little bitch.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImKris Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 Good God they're here.... He's QUIET apparently nervous, ya think? My daughter keeps nervous laughing around the whole thing, she's showing him the house and stuff. I just begged my husband to hurry up and get home. I'm not quite sure what to say to this kid. I asked him if he knew what I was thinking about all day, My daughter had to tell him to say, "What?" and I said that I didn't think he'd have the balls to show up. I'm impressed! I let them both know that I have much to say to them today. They are going to watch One Flew Over The CooKoo's Nest in our living room where I am stratigically placed sitting at the computer with what appears to be a lot of work to catch up on. HEE HEE HEE! Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 i was a little bitch too... i turned out okay i guess, still bitchy at times, maybe most times. i don't think anyone is so "shocked" at the girl's behaviour, i even stood up for her the during the first post a while back, saying i used to BE that 14-year-old. it's that this mother is complaining about it, yet letting her walk all over her and then complaining again... seems she's getting a little better though. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by ImKris Good God they're here.... He's QUIET apparently nervous, ya think? My daughter keeps nervous laughing around the whole thing, she's showing him the house and stuff. I just begged my husband to hurry up and get home. I'm not quite sure what to say to this kid. I asked him if he knew what I was thinking about all day, My daughter had to tell him to say, "What?" and I said that I didn't think he'd have the balls to show up. I'm impressed! I let them both know that I have much to say to them today. They are going to watch One Flew Over The CooKoo's Nest in our living room where I am stratigically placed sitting at the computer with what appears to be a lot of work to catch up on. HEE HEE HEE! so...what were you thinking about all day? and did you tell them your daughter is treating tonight, so the boy actually has her to thank? or are you waiting until after? Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by ImKris OK LS Advisors, Two days ago my daughter asks me what my schedule is because I just started a new job and the training hours are crazy. I let her know that I'm working late on Wednesday but that I'm off on Thursday. I ask her why she wants to know. She says she was just curious and I ask why and she says she just is. She lied here because the next thing is . . . Well I am not up for five minutes this am (Thursday) when she drops on me that she is bringing the boy home today off the bus She knew full well why she was asking you for your schedule I have a 21 year-old-daughter. I know what a teenage girl is capable of (and I also remember what I did when I was that age). I would meet the kid at the door and say, "I'm sorry. I was not privy to the plans, so there won't BE any." You need to take back control. Edited to add: Oops, I guess he's there and my "no dinner" comment is too late. Good luck. I have a feeling that you might need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 There is an old saying: "Keep your friends close......and your enemies........even CLOSER" You shoud want to meet this kid that your daughter likes. Goodness.....at least she's wanting to bring him home! Would you rather that she goes behind your back and starts lying to you about where she is just so that she can meet him secretly and do all those things that you don't want her doing? I do not blame you for being upset about the fact that she TOLD you rather than asking but.......tee, hee, heeeee I really love the fact that you took money out of HER account to pay for HIM..,.......That! was genious!!!!!!! Good Luck! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
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