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Chardonnay Renée 3rd July 2017 11:04 PM

Wedding dates clashing with major social/sporting events
 
Hi everyone,

This post is about a cousin of mine whose wedding date has been scheduled for the 29th September, 2018. Why is this date significant? Well, this date will almost certainly clash with the AFL Grand Final which, save for a handful of occasions, is held on the last Saturday of September.

The AFL would be Australia's equivalent to the NFL in America. The Grand Final is essentially Australia's Super Bowl. It's a day so sacred for sport lovers that in Melbourne, the state government actually made the Friday preceding it a public holiday, just so the public could attend the parade through the city.

I knew my cousin was getting married, but I didn't know the date. Personally, I could live for one year without watching it or partying at a function that my husband is normally invited to by business colleagues.

When I opened the invitation and saw the date, I immediately knew there'd be trouble with that date. I told my husband and he got pretty riled. He said: "**** that, you'll be going by yourself. WTF was that woman thinking when she chose that date?"

I told him to calm down and not get mean about it. He said "Stupidity gives me the ****s. Anyone who plans their wedding day on Grand Final day is either a moron, selfish or a selfish moron." He then started insulting her husband-to-be, who he's never met, saying stuff like "he's whipped mangina" et al.

I'm not really sure what do. My cousin is will upset if I decline without good reason, yet I don't really have a good enough reason. RSVP date isn't until June next year, but I'm no doubt going to talk to her on Facebook and IRL many times before then. OMG, this is so awkward.

d0nnivain 4th July 2017 7:56 AM

Pick which is more important to you & go to that, your cousin's feelings be damned. If you want to go to the wedding & let your husband go to the game, do that

Personally I'd never schedule a wedding on Super Bowl Sunday. I even delayed my mother's wake / funeral by one day because I didn't want people ducking out to watch a football game. Had she been alive my mother would have been one of the one's watching the game.

Almost every day will have conflicts. You simply have to make a choice.

Never tell her you picked a sport over her. Just say you had a conflict.

CautiouslyOptimistic 4th July 2017 8:03 AM

I wouldn't get my panties into a twist just yet. Maybe they will find a way to play the game at the reception. You could even jokingly suggest that to her, although I'm sure scores of others will be, too! :)

With that said, hopefully it's not a bad omen. I got married on the first day of fishing season, which caused some grumbling and complaining among the men on my ex's side of the family, and my marriage didn't last ;).

Chardonnay Renée 5th July 2017 8:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by d0nnivain (Post 7356152)
Pick which is more important to you & go to that, your cousin's feelings be damned. If you want to go to the wedding & let your husband go to the game, do that

Personally I'd never schedule a wedding on Super Bowl Sunday. I even delayed my mother's wake / funeral by one day because I didn't want people ducking out to watch a football game. Had she been alive my mother would have been one of the one's watching the game.

Almost every day will have conflicts. You simply have to make a choice.

Never tell her you picked a sport over her. Just say you had a conflict.

See, I don't even know what I'll be doing in late September this year, let alone next year! I am irritated that my cousin could be so daft as to not understand how organising your wedding day on Grand Final day is such a no-no.

I can live without watching it, and I can even live without going to any functions related to it. But I really don't want to go to the wedding without my husband.

I called my Dad today and asked him what he thought, as he's into football as well. He said he was "floored" by the date, but that family is more important than a game, so he'll get over it.

My Mum isn't into football and doesn't get why my husband is so angry - she said she'd know better herself than to have a wedding on that date, though.

I told my husband that I will be going, and that while I get that he's irritated, could he please reconsider as I don't want to go by myelf. He flat-out said no!

My Mum is currently staying with us, and she tried to convince my husband to think about it. Hubby sat next to my Mum, put her arm around her and said: "Sandra, you know that you're my favourite mother-in-law, but... not on your life, or anyone elses."

My Mum pouted at him and said he'd be missed. Hubby smiled at her and made a flippant comment about how he'd he a misery guts and bring everyone down and "you'd all be wishing I hadn't come after all."

I guess it's set. I'll wait to RSVP. I'm still not sure what excuse I'll use for why hubby won't come. I told him he left me in an awkward position. He sarcastically responded saying he'll "ring my cousin and tell her she's a dumb arse - that'll alleviate the awkwardness."

My husband... he's one of a kind! :love: :mad: :eek:

CautiouslyOptimistic 5th July 2017 8:22 AM

You're husband is not being very mature about this, sad to say :(. I hope he hates the teams that make it to the game, and it's as boring as hell! :)

Chardonnay Renée 5th July 2017 8:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic (Post 7357077)
You're husband is not being very mature about this, sad to say :(. I hope he hates the teams that make it to the game, and it's as boring as hell! :)

My husband is one to dig in his heels and be very stubborn. He can be very arrogant when people do things which he perceives as being stupid.

We both support the same team, with said team being second on the ladder. There's a fair chance the team will be there or close enough over the next two seasons.

That's not really the point, though. If our team was last, and his two most hated teams were playing-off, he'd still want to be with his mates, drinking and partying.

d0nnivain 5th July 2017 9:46 AM

If your husband's plan is to watch it on television, then he should suck it up, go to the wedding with you, then duck out to watch the game either in the bar in the facility or in your hotel room. If he has actual tickets, well, that may be a different story.


Yes, your cousin is daft for not realizing what date she picked. But like your dad said, she's still family & it's only a game.

Globug 5th July 2017 12:29 PM

It is over a year away. Things can change. It is good you have made your decision to be there for your cousin & you never know your DH could change his mind last minute if he isn't pushed into it. My DG is the most stubborn man too & our whole fall / winter social life is planned around when his team is playing, but he has made allowances for me last minute too.

central 5th July 2017 12:39 PM

How close to your cousin are you? How well does your husband know her, if at all? If he doesn't know her well, why should he care much about attending her wedding, especially as he hasn't even met the groom? I'd be reluctant to go to such a wedding even if I didn't have any other priorities, but might to support my wife. If it were my own cousin, I might not go if we weren't close, or if going would involve expensive travel. If it were someone I knew well and liked, I'd make the effort to go - apparently that does not apply here.


Regardless, he is being ungracious about it all, even if his wish to do something else is valid.

Chardonnay Renée 5th July 2017 4:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Globug (Post 7357329)
It is over a year away. Things can change. It is good you have made your decision to be there for your cousin & you never know your DH could change his mind last minute if he isn't pushed into it. My DG is the most stubborn man too & our whole fall / winter social life is planned around when his team is playing, but he has made allowances for me last minute too.

I have until June 1 next year before I have to RSVP. Hopefully hubby knows what his plans are by then and hopefully his plans don't tickle his fancy enough to make an exception. I'm really not all that hopeful, though!

Chardonnay Renée 5th July 2017 5:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by central (Post 7357347)
How close to your cousin are you? How well does your husband know her, if at all? If he doesn't know her well, why should he care much about attending her wedding, especially as he hasn't even met the groom? I'd be reluctant to go to such a wedding even if I didn't have any other priorities, but might to support my wife. If it were my own cousin, I might not go if we weren't close, or if going would involve expensive travel. If it were someone I knew well and liked, I'd make the effort to go - apparently that does not apply here.


Regardless, he is being ungracious about it all, even if his wish to do something else is valid.

I grew up in the country and so did my cousin. We are actually the same age and along with being very close, we boarded at the same school. She stayed in the country whilst I moved to the city for my career.

My cousin later moved to England for a while where she met her fiancé, also an expatriate Australian. They moved back for good fairly recently as they plan to have children. I plan on catching up with her soon.

My cosuin and I are fairly similar in temperament, but we've chosen completely opposite men to marry. My husband is an alpha male who struggles to identify with men who aren't like him, while my cousin's SO is an art curator and dance coreographer.

Purepony 5th July 2017 5:15 PM

Complete sidenote but your dad sounds like a real man because family comes first and your husband sounds like a jack because he prefers the game than to spend that day with you

Chardonnay Renée 29th September 2017 4:59 PM

So, today is the AFL Grand Final, or the Super Bowl equivalent here in Australia. Our city's team, the Adelaide Crows, has made it through to the Grand Final.

My husband, through some of his contacts, managed to get an invite to a corporate section which includes drinks and nibbles. All he needed to pay for was flights to the host city (Melbourne) and accommodation.

Anyway, as I took my husband to the airport yesterday morning, he kept reminding me how he will not be going to the wedding (I haven't done the RSVP yet) because there's a very real chance the Crows might be back again next year.

I informed him then and there that I've already accepted that he's not going and that I will just tell them in due course. He then starts up again about how stupid my cousin is for even booking her wedding on Grand Final day!

By this point I was getting a bit irritated. I told him that I don't deserve to be made to feel bad and it's not my fault that she booked her wedding on that day. He told me to stop being defensive! WTF!?

The thing is, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I do get that he has a point. The date annoys me on a personal level just slightly. I enjoy my football as well!

However, I'm a forgiving person who understands that the organised date is through pure ignorance and nothing else. My husband's attitude with everything is that stupidity is never an excucse, especially if it impacts others.

I've told my husband before that being an arsehole is even less of an excuse than ignorance, as ignorance isn't something people can help in the moment, yet being an arsehole is knowing better but choosing to be mean.

He just responded with: "whatever" then kept going on about how my cousin's fiancée is a "door mat" and "soft" and other insults.

I told my husband to stop or he can get an Uber back from the airport as I wouldn't come and pick him up.

He stopped after that thankfully. I just don't get why he needed to be negative when he was heading off for one of the most amazing weekends of any football supporting person's life.

Just personally I would have killed to go where he's going. However, very limited spots through corporate sponsors were always going to be limited only to the persons who conduct business. An equivalent package would costs thousands!

I'm consoling myself with heading back home to my parent's property with the boys. My parents are putting on a big banquet at their house with the whole family. It should be a fun evening, especially if we win! :D

introverted1 29th September 2017 5:18 PM

Are you certain there's no valid reason why your cousin selected that date?

Regardless, if you prioritise sports over your cousin's wedding, then decline. This isn't your hill to die on, nor your issue to address, imo. Your cousin is presumably a grown woman who can manage her own choices.

Chardonnay Renée 29th September 2017 5:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by introverted1 (Post 7427361)
Are you certain there's no valid reason why your cousin selected that date?

Regardless, if you prioritise sports over your cousin's wedding, then decline. This isn't your hill to die on, nor your issue to address, imo. Your cousin is presumably a grown woman who can manage her own choices.

I have not asked her directly. However, discussion amongst family is that there's no objective reason for why she has booked it on that date. It's just seemingly a random date in Spring.

I am going to the wedding, so is all of my family. It's only my husband who won't be coming as he refuses to go both on principal and because there's a chance our team will be competing again.

Whoknew30 30th September 2017 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chardonnay Renée (Post 7427352)
So, today is the AFL Grand Final, or the Super Bowl equivalent here in Australia. Our city's team, the Adelaide Crows, has made it through to the Grand Final.

My husband, through some of his contacts, managed to get an invite to a corporate section which includes drinks and nibbles. All he needed to pay for was flights to the host city (Melbourne) and accommodation.

Anyway, as I took my husband to the airport yesterday morning, he kept reminding me how he will not be going to the wedding (I haven't done the RSVP yet) because there's a very real chance the Crows might be back again next year.

I informed him then and there that I've already accepted that he's not going and that I will just tell them in due course. He then starts up again about how stupid my cousin is for even booking her wedding on Grand Final day!

By this point I was getting a bit irritated. I told him that I don't deserve to be made to feel bad and it's not my fault that she booked her wedding on that day. He told me to stop being defensive! WTF!?

The thing is, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I do get that he has a point. The date annoys me on a personal level just slightly. I enjoy my football as well!

However, I'm a forgiving person who understands that the organised date is through pure ignorance and nothing else. My husband's attitude with everything is that stupidity is never an excucse, especially if it impacts others.

I've told my husband before that being an arsehole is even less of an excuse than ignorance, as ignorance isn't something people can help in the moment, yet being an arsehole is knowing better but choosing to be mean.

He just responded with: "whatever" then kept going on about how my cousin's fiancée is a "door mat" and "soft" and other insults.

I told my husband to stop or he can get an Uber back from the airport as I wouldn't come and pick him up.

He stopped after that thankfully. I just don't get why he needed to be negative when he was heading off for one of the most amazing weekends of any football supporting person's life.

Just personally I would have killed to go where he's going. However, very limited spots through corporate sponsors were always going to be limited only to the persons who conduct business. An equivalent package would costs thousands!

I'm consoling myself with heading back home to my parent's property with the boys. My parents are putting on a big banquet at their house with the whole family. It should be a fun evening, especially if we win! :D

"You're a forgiving person"...there's nothing to forgive. I'm a HIGE football fan & would be bummed if I had to go to a wedding on Super Bowl BUT I understand that others don't plan their life around sports.

Your H is selfish & you enable it by even suggesting someone else is rude bc their life doesn't revolve around a bunch of rich athletes that don't even know your names. This is a situation of "do what you want" & not worry about what your husband. You're upset bc you don't want to go without your husband, which he nothing to with your cousin or the date she picked. None of this is anyone's problem or fault but you & your husband's.

Your cousin or her husband aren't ignorant...it's sounds more like projecting your issues on to others. Finale advice...stop telling your husband that other's are ignorant bc hes not the center of the universe bc people don't consider his feelings when making their life plans...do you guys as a couple call every single person when making life plans to ask them what date works best for each & everyone???

BaileyB 1st October 2017 8:17 AM

Your husband refuses to go based on "principal" - because your cousin chose to get married on the same day as a major sporting event?? Come on.... contrary to what he may believe, the world does not revolve around him...

I'm sorry, you say your husband is "one of a kind." I would say that his behavior is entitled, selfish, immature, and rude. HE, is the person behaving rather ignorantly, in my humble opinion...

Sorry. To each their own... I would enjoy the wedding very happily, without my husband, if I was you. Who knows, your family may be very happy that your husband chose not to attend, as well.

Chardonnay Renée 2nd October 2017 6:37 AM

Well, this morning I picked up a rather grumpy hubby from the airport.

Our team had been comfortably dispatched by the opposition which kind of spoilt the party he'd hoped to have over the weekend. By the look of him, though, he appeared seedy enough that at the very least he'd had a decent crack at drowning his sorrows.

I informed my husband that in his absence I had formally responded to our wedding invitation, with the intention of everyone minus my husband attending. His response: "good" in a less than solemn manner.

So, that's that then. It's all settled. I'll attend the wedding with my boys, who'll both be in the "terrible twos" by that point in time. However, I've been assured that there'll be no shortage in people wanting to help out with them.

I get that my husband is being silly. I know him better than anyone. He has his faults, but I am no way an enabler of his behaviour when it's inappropriate. I pick him up on stuff, but at the same time I'm mindful about coming across as a nagging shrill all the time.

Thank you for all your honest responses.

Renée.

BettyDraper 2nd October 2017 4:07 PM

CR, forgive me for saying this....I feel like you're very patient for tolerating your husband's personality. Based on everything that you've posted, he seems very rude, arrogant and self centered. Your feelings are not overly important to your husband. It's all about him and his needs.

My husband loves baseball. I can't imagine him prioritizing a World Series game over a family event.

I don't know if your husband was always this cantankerous or if success brought out those aspects of his personality. When I read your posts, I see a lot of justifying and rationalizing his behavior. It appears that your boys and the lifestyle which your husband provides are some very compelling reasons you stay in your marriage. If that's the case, please be aware that I'm not judging you because I completely understand how affluence can be attractive. You are also the mother of two sons and children often keep couples together.

Chardonnay Renée 5th October 2017 3:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BettyDraper (Post 7429286)
CR, forgive me for saying this....I feel like you're very patient for tolerating your husband's personality. Based on everything that you've posted, he seems very rude, arrogant and self centered. Your feelings are not overly important to your husband. It's all about him and his needs.

My husband loves baseball. I can't imagine him prioritizing a World Series game over a family event.

I don't know if your husband was always this cantankerous or if success brought out those aspects of his personality. When I read your posts, I see a lot of justifying and rationalizing his behavior. It appears that your boys and the lifestyle which your husband provides are some very compelling reasons you stay in your marriage. If that's the case, please be aware that I'm not judging you because I completely understand how affluence can be attractive. You are also the mother of two sons and children often keep couples together.

Hey Betty,

I don't know that I'm all that patient. I can get pretty angry! LOL!

It may not be a false equivalence, but if your husband were to have access to a ticket to World Series game, would that change his mind? I mean, partly my husband's issue is "out of principle", but the other part is that it's also our team potentially playing and he will probably get another ticket through his business associates.

We've gone over my hubby and his selfishness before. There's no doubt he can be selfish at times. Just not all the time, though. He is caring and generous with his time and money to friends and family, but it always has to be on his terms.

My husband has not changed since I met him. Having a successful business hasn't changed him at all. From my perspective I'd just like him to credit me a bit more for his success as I put a lot on the line myself, worked hard and sacrificed, because I believed in him and his success.

I don't feel like you're judging me, but what I'm going to say is intended to be said as a general comment and not directly in response to what you've said.

Many people mistake attraction to affluence as a kind of "gold digger" trait. I find my husband attractive because he is the ultimate alpha male. It's his stregth, intelligence and capabilities which I'm attracted to; the same ingredients which is generally required for success.

When I see my husband working, when I see my husband helping his mates build stuff, when I see my husband as the dependable person who everyone asks for help because "Matty will know", it's kinda sexy. :love:

The thing is, my husband isn't all that subtle, never has been and never will be. If it's one of the few things I'd change about him, it's his hubris. To people he does not like, he loves to shove it in their faces just how good, successful or what not he is compared to them.

However, for the people he does like, he likes to maintain a friendship dynamic where he's in control and where he's calling the shots. He'd never be friends with an absolute equal (not that there's too many around) as he wouldn't like being challenged.

My husband was never going to work for someone else as he couldn't handle having a boss. He doesn't see himself as answerable to anyone. In times gone by, he always worked hard so his bosses loved him anyway. But it was the autonomy and complete control over every work situation which he ultimately craved.

Being with my husband is often a compromise. I have to compromise part of myself. The way I see it is that all relationships require compromise to work. If I'm going to have to compromise, I may as well be adequately compensated.

I guess, one nagging little thing which does build up as resentment at times is that I don't think my husband shares my "compromise model" where he buys into an equal compromise for the purposes of a zero-sum game. As such, he certainly doesn't appreciate the fact that I compromise a lot for him.

elaine567 5th October 2017 5:29 AM

You are playing with fire here.
YOU chained yourself to a tiger and have persuaded yourself he is a pussy cat.
This is a guy who is basically not a good person.
He is only "nice" on his own terms, otherwise he is NOT nice.

The trouble with guys like this, is that the moment he realises he doesn't actually like you or that he would rather be with someone else, or that you are not making enough compromises FOR HIM, or that you cannot be "controlled" to his satisfaction, then he will make your life a living hell.

All those "ultimate alpha male" traits, all his "strength, intelligence and capabilities", all his rudeness, arrogance and need for supreme control will be aimed at you.
You will then see the fangs and claws of the tiger.
He will no doubt try to fight you to the death too.
It will not be a fair fight as he NEEDS to win.
You may lose everything, including your children.

So instead of sitting there as Queen to his Royal Highness, it will be you that will then be the muck he scrapes off his shoe.
Be very careful here, do not lose yourself in his "madness".
Make sure you have your ducks in a row and have adequate funds laid by to fight him if you ever need to.

BaileyB 5th October 2017 7:38 AM

Indeed, a man who is caring and generous, but only "on his terms" is not a caring or generous man.

A man who likes to "shove the fact that he is successful he is in the faces of the people he doesn't like..." Well, that's not a good man.

This is a man who thinks that he is better than everyone else, doesn't like to be challenged, and thinks that people should accommodate to him.

No, he could never work for another man. His ego wouldn't allow it.

You call him an "alpha male." Perhaps that's an accurate descriptor, but is he a good man? I suppose it all comes down to what we all "value" most in a man. But, if you are happy with him, that's all that matters. Best wishes.

Whoknew30 5th October 2017 2:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chardonnay Renée (Post 7430967)
Hey Betty,

I don't know that I'm all that patient. I can get pretty angry! LOL!

It may not be a false equivalence, but if your husband were to have access to a ticket to World Series game, would that change his mind? I mean, partly my husband's issue is "out of principle", but the other part is that it's also our team potentially playing and he will probably get another ticket through his business associates.

We've gone over my hubby and his selfishness before. There's no doubt he can be selfish at times. Just not all the time, though. He is caring and generous with his time and money to friends and family, but it always has to be on his terms.

My husband has not changed since I met him. Having a successful business hasn't changed him at all. From my perspective I'd just like him to credit me a bit more for his success as I put a lot on the line myself, worked hard and sacrificed, because I believed in him and his success.

I don't feel like you're judging me, but what I'm going to say is intended to be said as a general comment and not directly in response to what you've said.

Many people mistake attraction to affluence as a kind of "gold digger" trait. I find my husband attractive because he is the ultimate alpha male. It's his stregth, intelligence and capabilities which I'm attracted to; the same ingredients which is generally required for success.

When I see my husband working, when I see my husband helping his mates build stuff, when I see my husband as the dependable person who everyone asks for help because "Matty will know", it's kinda sexy. :love:

The thing is, my husband isn't all that subtle, never has been and never will be. If it's one of the few things I'd change about him, it's his hubris. To people he does not like, he loves to shove it in their faces just how good, successful or what not he is compared to them.

However, for the people he does like, he likes to maintain a friendship dynamic where he's in control and where he's calling the shots. He'd never be friends with an absolute equal (not that there's too many around) as he wouldn't like being challenged.

My husband was never going to work for someone else as he couldn't handle having a boss. He doesn't see himself as answerable to anyone. In times gone by, he always worked hard so his bosses loved him anyway. But it was the autonomy and complete control over every work situation which he ultimately craved.

Being with my husband is often a compromise. I have to compromise part of myself. The way I see it is that all relationships require compromise to work. If I'm going to have to compromise, I may as well be adequately compensated.

I guess, one nagging little thing which does build up as resentment at times is that I don't think my husband shares my "compromise model" where he buys into an equal compromise for the purposes of a zero-sum game. As such, he certainly doesn't appreciate the fact that I compromise a lot for him.

Compromise & enabling are two different things. When you call people ignorant or are arrogant enough yourself to behave as you forgive them bc they didn't take into account your husband's love for sports, isn't being much different than your husband.

I don't think it's something to get divorced over but I hate when women in private help to build a arrogant man's ego & then act like they're in shock that he behaves a certain way towards them & or others...well he's got a wife agreeing that others aren't as smart as him bc they think differently. Why wouldn't he be arrogant? I would NEVER allow my husband to think anyone is beneath him bc they didn't take him (when he's not even blood family) into account when planning their wedding. Even if he didn't go (I could care a less) but I would make known he's the ignorant & arrogant one, no one else.

This is like the logic of a mother that has a spoiled child that she complains of but continues to spoil them & pretends she's not part of the problem. If you're the one always "compromising" (which isn't compromising IMO it's called enabling) & blowing up his head by making him think others are beneath in their logic...what makes you think he's going to respect you when you make it easy for him not to respect others?

I grew up in a male dominated family of a lot of arrogance & none of them pull anything like this with me bc I've learned.:.men like that will treat you as good or bad as you allow as a woman. He repeats the behavior bc he gets what he wants out of it with no real consequence...so why wouldn't he?

BettyDraper 5th October 2017 5:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chardonnay Renée (Post 7430967)
Hey Betty,

I don't know that I'm all that patient. I can get pretty angry! LOL!

It may not be a false equivalence, but if your husband were to have access to a ticket to World Series game, would that change his mind? I mean, partly my husband's issue is "out of principle", but the other part is that it's also our team potentially playing and he will probably get another ticket through his business associates.

We've gone over my hubby and his selfishness before. There's no doubt he can be selfish at times. Just not all the time, though. He is caring and generous with his time and money to friends and family, but it always has to be on his terms.

My husband has not changed since I met him. Having a successful business hasn't changed him at all. From my perspective I'd just like him to credit me a bit more for his success as I put a lot on the line myself, worked hard and sacrificed, because I believed in him and his success.

I don't feel like you're judging me, but what I'm going to say is intended to be said as a general comment and not directly in response to what you've said.

Many people mistake attraction to affluence as a kind of "gold digger" trait. I find my husband attractive because he is the ultimate alpha male. It's his stregth, intelligence and capabilities which I'm attracted to; the same ingredients which is generally required for success.

When I see my husband working, when I see my husband helping his mates build stuff, when I see my husband as the dependable person who everyone asks for help because "Matty will know", it's kinda sexy. :love:

The thing is, my husband isn't all that subtle, never has been and never will be. If it's one of the few things I'd change about him, it's his hubris. To people he does not like, he loves to shove it in their faces just how good, successful or what not he is compared to them.

However, for the people he does like, he likes to maintain a friendship dynamic where he's in control and where he's calling the shots. He'd never be friends with an absolute equal (not that there's too many around) as he wouldn't like being challenged.

My husband was never going to work for someone else as he couldn't handle having a boss. He doesn't see himself as answerable to anyone. In times gone by, he always worked hard so his bosses loved him anyway. But it was the autonomy and complete control over every work situation which he ultimately craved.

Being with my husband is often a compromise. I have to compromise part of myself. The way I see it is that all relationships require compromise to work. If I'm going to have to compromise, I may as well be adequately compensated.

I guess, one nagging little thing which does build up as resentment at times is that I don't think my husband shares my "compromise model" where he buys into an equal compromise for the purposes of a zero-sum game. As such, he certainly doesn't appreciate the fact that I compromise a lot for him.

Most women are attracted to handsome Alpha males. However, a man who has too much Alpha in him will not be pleasant to live with.

Since you mentioned compensation, it looks like your lifestyle is worth being treated the way you have lamented on this forum. I don't judge you for that because the allure of a privileged life is a siren song for many women. Lord knows that I put up with some reprehensible behavior from my husband in the past but then I didn't know that we would get to a place where I didn't have to work.

The difference is my husband doesn't behave in an arrogant manner. He carries himself with a quiet confidence. I am submissive towards my husband because I trust him to make decisions which will benefit the both of us. I don't always like every choice my husband makes but we do discuss them before he makes the final decision.

Life is a series of compromises and so is marriage.

BettyDraper 5th October 2017 5:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BaileyB (Post 7431051)
Indeed, a man who is caring and generous, but only "on his terms" is not a caring or generous man.

A man who likes to "shove the fact that he is successful he is in the faces of the people he doesn't like..." Well, that's not a good man.

This is a man who thinks that he is better than everyone else, doesn't like to be challenged, and thinks that people should accommodate to him.

No, he could never work for another man. His ego wouldn't allow it.

You call him an "alpha male." Perhaps that's an accurate descriptor, but is he a good man? I suppose it all comes down to what we all "value" most in a man. But, if you are happy with him, that's all that matters. Best wishes.

Sometimes I think that many people confuse the term "Alpha" with "A-hole."
They aren't the same. An Alpha male is confident enough to consider the needs of others. He doesn't need to bully everyone into doing whatever he wants all the time. An Alpha male inspires respect. An a-hole inspires resentment and indignance.

BaileyB 5th October 2017 6:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BettyDraper (Post 7431565)
Sometimes I think that many people confuse the term "Alpha" with "A-hole."
They aren't the same. An Alpha male is confident enough to consider the needs of others. He doesn't need to bully everyone into doing whatever he wants all the time. An Alpha male inspires respect. An a-hole inspires resentment and indignance.

Indeed. I think sometimes people use the term "Alpha male" to excuse what is sometimes, just really poor behavior.

In my book, an Alpha male can have strength, be a "man's-man," and still have the confidence to consider other people. A man who is a leader for his family - he cares for his wife and teaches his children the things they need to be successful in life and be good people. A man who treats everyone he meets with respect - whether that person is their best friend or the waiter who served his dinner. This kind of man, will have the love and respect of friends and family. He will be the kind of person with whom people want to spend time and want to call "friend" - because he makes people feel good about themselves when they are with him.

I wonder when I read your post OP, just what exactly is this man teaching your children? Is he teaching them to treat people with respect? Is he teaching them to consider the needs and feelings of other people? How is he going to respond, when his children grow up and test the limits - challenge him and his "authority" - as all children do? Just things to think about as you explain and excuse his behavior...

TunaCat 6th October 2017 7:54 PM

If I were with someone that put a higher priority on a sporting event than a family wedding, I would seriously question why I was with that person.

For me, family trumps sports. Every time.

LivingWaterPlease 6th October 2017 9:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elaine567 (Post 7430989)
You are playing with fire here.
YOU chained yourself to a tiger and have persuaded yourself he is a pussy cat.
This is a guy who is basically not a good person.
He is only "nice" on his own terms, otherwise he is NOT nice.

The trouble with guys like this, is that the moment he realises he doesn't actually like you or that he would rather be with someone else, or that you are not making enough compromises FOR HIM, or that you cannot be "controlled" to his satisfaction, then he will make your life a living hell.

All those "ultimate alpha male" traits, all his "strength, intelligence and capabilities", all his rudeness, arrogance and need for supreme control will be aimed at you.
You will then see the fangs and claws of the tiger.
He will no doubt try to fight you to the death too.
It will not be a fair fight as he NEEDS to win.
You may lose everything, including your children.

So instead of sitting there as Queen to his Royal Highness, it will be you that will then be the muck he scrapes off his shoe.
Be very careful here, do not lose yourself in his "madness".
Make sure you have your ducks in a row and have adequate funds laid by to fight him if you ever need to.

^
This, Chardonnay.

Chardonnay Renée 21st October 2017 9:32 PM

Thanks for the replies. A lot of what has been said, I disagree with. A handful of times I had managed to get halfway through a reply before deleting my post for fear of being accused of being an enabler or just making excuses for some of my husband's behaviour.

I can see the sense in a some of what has been said, though. I do try to look at the situation as someone who isn't in the situation would see it; I would probably think similar thoughts in some instances, too.

The thing is, in my defence, I don't just let things slide with my husband. However, if I agree with some aspects of his opinion, saying that I agree with him on that particular aspect doesn't make me an enabler for other aspects of his poor behaviour.

I'm not going to go on the defensive and disagree with him for fear of his propensity to take a more extreme view on something and run with it. I agree where I agree and I disagree where I disagree.

I do have it in the back of my mind, though, that if we get to the point where we're so combative due to disagreeing all the time, things could spiral quickly. I'm not the argumentative type, but to be honest neither is my husband.

So long as my husband is talking to me, I have something to work with. For the most part I can successfully reign him in. I beleive I balance it well and get the best out of him, as I don't overdo the nagging, but I don't let him get away with blue murder, either.

My husband is a good man who just needs a nudge in the right direction sometimes. He's fiercely independent and works his butt off, first and foremost to provide for his family. He loves his boys and spends as much time as practicable doing all sorts of things with them.

Yeah, sure, there's things that frustrate me about him. There's aspects about him that also worry me. One day will the house of cards come crashing down if I don't delicately balance getting the best out of him so he can willfully provide the emotional needs I have?

A lot of you are probably thinking he's this cold, passive-aggressive psychopath who's played me for a fool and is using me for some kind of end game which, when realised, will render me as nothing more than used toilet paper.

I know him better than anyone I believe, and I don't feel that it's the case at all. My dad is usually a good judge of character, and he seems to like him. Sure, some of the issues we've had would probably not go down so well with my dad, but they're our issues which we're working on.

Every successful couple has issues, including issues which if their parents knew, wouldn't be happy about. I do feel as though my husband is committed to the bigger picture; working together for a better "us".

I can't help if he's a little selfish at times. I can't help it if he is impatient at times, especially behind the wheel. I have, however, mitigated many of those issues, issues which have resulted in him reigning in his own behaviour because he doesn't like the consequences.

All in all, both myself and my husbands combine to create a hodgepodge of idiosyncratic issues which translate to a complicated but manageable relafionship. Sometimes rewarding, sometimes frustrating... my husband can be many things, but I still love him warts and all.

P.S. He doesn't really have warts. :p


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